The Inebriation Scale

0- Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1- Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of
well-being.

2- Beer warming up head. Crisps are ordered. Barmaid
complimented on choice of blouse. Barmen complimented on nice
trousers.

3- Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks
are filled with random letters and numbers.

4- Barmaid complimented on choice of bra/Barmen complimented on his
boxers. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps.
Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of
crisp one by one.

5- Have brilliant discussion with a guy at bar. Devise fool-proof scheme
for winning lottery, sort out cricket/tennis/football problems. Agree
people are same world over except for the bloody French.

6- Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on beer mat.
Realise that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you
love them. Ring girlfriend/boyfriend to tell them you love them and
they still have an amazing arse.

7- Send drinks over to woman/man sitting at table with
boyfriend/girlfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love
on five beer mats and frisbee them across the room.
Boyfriend/girlfriend gets pissed off. You buy him a Long Island
Iced Tea.

8- Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots
of people say yes. Go round the pub hugging them one by one. Fall
over. Get up.

9- Head-ache kicks in. Beer tastes off. Send it back. Beer
comes back tasting same. Say "that's much better". Fight nausea
by trying to play poker machine for ten minutes before seeing out
of order sign.

10- Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at
all four barmen. Talked down by barmen's wives, who you offer to
give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner
of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11- Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door.
Sit and take stock. Realise you are sitting in pub cellar, having
taken a wrong turn. Vomit. Pass out.

12- Put in taxi by somebody. Give home address. Taken home.
Can't get key in door. Realise you've given address of local
football club. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass
out again