1. Don't call. EVER.

2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun

to let her figure it out by herself.

3. Lie.

4. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic

and unoriginal, such as "spike"

5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell

them you mailed it to them/already gave it to them.

6. Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyone

about it.

7. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to

answer, a grunt will do.

8. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter

what, it isn't your fault.

9. Lie.

10. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women

than baths.

11. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help

- don't ask. People will think you have no penis.

12. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.

13. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone,

use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises

are permissible.

14. TWO WORDS: Hack and spit. (Big loogies means a big

penis)

15. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his

name in urine.

16. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her

best friend. She will then see what she's missing and

love you for not giving up on her.

17. Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.

18. Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your

girlfriend picked it out, and it will cramp your style

on picking up chicks.

19. Lie.

20. Deny everything. Everything.

21. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about

her. Especially female friends you suspect may have a

crush on you. (Probably all of them - you're a man

remember?) They really want to know.

22. Don't have a clue.

23. If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.

24. No means yes.

25. Yes means no.

26. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will

shrivel. You may get sick or even die. This is one of

the most important rules.

27. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible

positions and locations.

28. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak,

sex often signifies the end of a relationship.

29. Feelings? What feelings?

30. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than

you at something, either pretend it's not true or kick

their ass.

31. Lie I tell you!!

32. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are

backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If

you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a

loophole for escape. Example: Question: "Honey, will you

take me out for a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you

can guess how many sperm I produce each day."

33. Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to have

sexual meaning. Twist.

34. At any given opportunity, point out how things look like

various genitalia. (If, by chance, you have Play-Doh,

make sure you make a replica of your penis. Exaggerate

the dimensions by 25%).

35. Lie.

36. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about

saying it.

37. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not

satisfy you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not

worth it.

38. Diss your girlfriend. Beg and plead until you get her

back. Diss her again. Repeat cycle.

39. Lie.

40. Apologize whenever it's expected. NEVER mean it.

41. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.

42. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget

trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day

and eye color.

43. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they

can't see you.

44. It is never your duty to take responsibility for your

actions.

45. Create new words and phrases to describe genitalia, sex,

semen, etc.

46. Lie.

47. Play with your food only if you are in a public place

with people you don't know.

48. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place

with people you don't know.

49. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are

doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.

50. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without

virginity.

51. You are male, therefore you are superior.

52. Agenda for a typical evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play

with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.

53. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they

get to please you.

54. Don't ever notice anything.

55. If you're going out with someone but you love someone

else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are

going out with falls in love with YOU, and then tell

56. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.

57. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.

58. Lie.

59. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then

technically you've done nothing wrong.

60. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what

do you have to cry about, anyway?

61. If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I

don't know."

62. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.

63. Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.

64. Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear

this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go

ballistic.

65. If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive

around until a parking spot right near the door opens

up. If this takes hours, so be it. You will have the

coveted "door spot" and others will worship your skills.

66. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement.

Laugh long, laugh loud, laugh heartily.

67. Lie.

68. If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about

how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this

huge favor you've done for them at least every 5 minutes

for the rest of their life.

69. 69

70. If you do something really mean to a girl, and she

doesn't want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened.

If she still doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "is

something wrong?"

71. Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want

to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy

image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be

your friend.

72. Lie.

73. If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the

conversation, tell the girl how many different dorms

you've been laid in.

74. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to

leave for a few minutes and when you come back, you want

her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave, and go into her

dad's room and tell him he should go check on his

daughter. Then drive like hell. (True story.)

75. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with

someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you

know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.

76. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and

twenty girls on top.

77. Default facial expression: blank stare.

78. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them

up your butt. Then, whenever you need a good excuse, you

can pull it out of your ass.

79. If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want

to do, first try your manly best to get out of it. If

that doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked

to do, but complain that you don't know how to do it and

continuously ask questions on how to do each little

part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish

the job in the most half-assed way you possibly can and

then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you I couldn't do it."

Eventually, people will stop asking you to do things.

80. Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me

Badd, or Oldies.

81. Beer. Then more beer.

82. One word: FOOTBALL!

83. Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we

don't want the inferior of the species to get to

reproduce ever, do we???

84. Discuss your pecs at every opportunity.

85. LIE.