Chapter 1: Impossible Thinkings

*Buffy*

Angel had been acting a little off this week, I don't know what was

going on with him, but I didn't like it. It was getting hard for me

to be with him, I mean its always been hard, but it seems like he

was less there than usual. Angel had been distant since the whole

him and Faith thing happened, which was my fault, but still seeing

them together was scarey. I guess I just wish things were as it was

before we did the nasty. I guess I don't know what my love is

feeling anymore. I can't read his mind for heaven's sake I wish he

would just tell me, I know he loves me, but he could show it once

and a while.

//Its impossible..

Its impossible to love you

If you don't let me know what you're feeling

It's impossible for me to give you what you need

If you're always hidin' for me

I don't know what hurt you

I just wanna make it right

Cos boy I'm sick and tired of trying read your mind//

I pushed the thoughts out of my mind and thought of happier

thoughts, like seeing Angel. Him and I were doing the usual routine

tonight, patrol. I couldn't wait to wrap my arms around him and hold

him tight, being away from him for even one day hurt. I loved him so

much. I walked to the Crawford Street mansion and saw him sitting by

the fire reading some old musty book.

"Hey there," I said.

"Buffy.." he whispered.

"That's what I hear my name is," I commented and went to sit next

him, "Whatcha readin' big guy?"

"Oh, just some old book," he retorted.

Something was wrong with him he was way off, and major cryptic, I

didn't like it. When he put the book down on the slate tile he

looked up at me and he smiled, it was one of those sad soft smiles.

He always does them, but happiness is not in his eyes this time. A

pang stings my heart at the site in his eyes, he looks so

melancholy, and it was almost unbearable to look at my lover.

I decided to put off asking him about what was wrong until we were

on patrol. "Sounds like fun," I chirped.

"Yeah," he just sighed and stood up.

"Alright, lets go than," he took my hand and we slowly strode out of

the big mansion. I saw on the way out my English notebook that

said `Buffy and Angel Forever'. I had wrote that on the manila paper

the day before when I came over Angel's and we hung out and I ended

up falling asleep there. This morning it felt so perfect with me in

his arms, but something from then until now, I was so

confused. "Yea, thats your's right?" he quizzed me.

"Yeah, unless someone else has the name Buffy and she loves Angel

forever and you've been cheating, I mean."

He chuckled softly at my off hand comment. It was music to my ears,

him chuckling, I loved when he chuckled or smiled. When he did it

made me feel like I had done something right in the world, that I

could make someone with that much greif be happy for one moment. And

we all know that I've caused him a "moment of true happiness" and

that didn't turn out well.

I picked up the soft back red notebook with my free hand. He glanced

over at me now and then as we walked along the cracked walk way in

the manison. It was so quite around us you could hear a pin-dropped

and it seemed if either one of us talked the Earth would shatter,

that is just how much tension there was.

"We have to find out were these baddies are, Angel."

"What exactly are they again?" he asked quizzically.

"Vampies, Mr. Photographic memory," I smiled and hit him playfully.

"So mabye we should go through the sewers to make time easy, I can

get around there." He said.

"Good thinkin'," I beamed.

*IN THE SEWERS*

Angel and myself walked noncholantchly down the merchy sewers. "I

can't believe it Prom is tomorrow, did you pick up your tux yet?"

Angel looked at me like I was four, "Yeah, of course I did Buffy."

"Good boy, now you get a treat," and I kissed him on the cheek.

Just then a vampire had come out of no were and attacked Angel and

myself.

"Look out!" I yelled to my lover and kicked the vampire before he

touched Angel.

He hit me back and I almost tobbled over. Angel took over from

there, punching and kicking with aglity while still keeping his

resolve face. He got hit back and winced and finally yelled at

me, "STAKE!"

I threw a perfectly sharp stake towards his hand just hoping that it

landed in his hand and not his heart. He staked the vampire with one

swift movement and threw the stake back to me. "Thanks," he gave

thanks to me.

"Anything for my man," I smiled.

"Buffy..." he looked up at me.

"Yeah?"

"The prom is tomorrow."

"I know silly, I told you that already."

"Its so.."

"FUN!" I pirked up. I saw his face soften and become sad. I knew

something was wrong and this was the time to ask. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he shot at me.

"That's a something face." I retourted.

"Buffy.."

"What?"

"I've been thinking.." he paused and looked down, this couldn't be

good,"Things between us have been going so well, but I don't think

that we should be together anymore. I'm leaving you."

"Is this because what the Mayor said to us? Becuase I thought we

went over that, Angel." I said and I felt tears sting the back of my

eyes.

"He was right.."

//It looks as though you're letting go

And if it's real,

Well I don't want to know//

"No, he wasn't, Angel." my tone was harsh.

"Buffy, you deserve someone that can give you more. A normal life.

Someone who can make love to you and you deserve someone who can

take you into the light. I can't do that. Don't you see we're not

meant to be?"

//Someday we'll know

If love can move a mountain

Someday we'll know

Why the sky is blue

Someday we'll know why I wasn't meant for you//

"Angel, what are you saying you don't want to be with me?" I

quivered.

"Yeah, I'm saying I don't want to be with you, Buffy."

"How could you? You once asked me if I was your girl and I said

always. That wasn't a lie, I won't be able to have a normal life I

am in the darkness, so we are meant to be."

"No we're not." He said coldy.

"And I'm asking you this, Are you still mine?"

"Forever, but that doesn't mean anything," he stated.

"Yeah, I think it does. Do you reall not wanna be with me in your

heart of hearts?" I was asking him this question becuase I knew his

answer was that he wanted to be with me, and i knew he couldn't lie

to me.

"I don't," he said and looked away with one quick glance.

A tear grazed down my face.

"After the asecion, I'm gone, I promise, but until then I have to

stay and help." He stated and was ready to turn around.

"Oh great I can't even have a normal break up."

He didn't say a word back to me just walked away in the opposite

direction. I looked at the notebook in my hand and just walked back

up into the night.

***

I walked amlisy until I decided to go to Willow's. I knocked on the

door softly, I knew my make-up was a mess from the tears that had

fallen in the last 40 minutes.

With 3 knocks Willow appeared at the front door, "He...Buffy? Whats

wrong?" My ushered me in her house and we walked up the stairs.

"He's leaving me" I sadly stated when we reached Willow's flower

covered bed.

"Angel?" she asked like it was anyone else ever.

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"He said that I deserved more and that all I saw in my future was

him and that he couldn't give me everything I wanted. But all I want

is him, so he can." I cried.

"Maybe he's right, Buffy." she smiled sadly.

"I know he is but, I can't breathe Will, I feel like I can't

breathe." I sobbed and my head feel to her lap and sad shaking

rasped through my body.

The only thing I felt at that moment was heart broken as Willow

stroked my hair softly like Angel had done for me countless times.

//You and me

We used to be together

Every day together always

I really feel

I'm losing my best friend

I can't believe

This could be the end

It looks as though you're letting go

And if it's real,

Well I don't want to know

Don't speak

I know just what you're saying

So please stop explaining

Don't tell me 'cause it hurts

Don't speak

I know what you're thinking

I don't need your reasons

Don't tell me 'cause it hurts

Our memories

They can be inviting

But some are altogether

Mighty frightening

As we die, both you and I

With my head in my hands

I sit and cry//

TBC...