Chapter 1: Impossible Thinkings *Buffy* Angel had been acting a little off this week, I don't know what was going on with him, but I didn't like it. It was getting hard for me to be with him, I mean its always been hard, but it seems like he was less there than usual. Angel had been distant since the whole him and Faith thing happened, which was my fault, but still seeing them together was scarey. I guess I just wish things were as it was before we did the nasty. I guess I don't know what my love is feeling anymore. I can't read his mind for heaven's sake I wish he would just tell me, I know he loves me, but he could show it once and a while. //Its impossible.. Its impossible to love you If you don't let me know what you're feeling It's impossible for me to give you what you need If you're always hidin' for me I don't know what hurt you I just wanna make it right Cos boy I'm sick and tired of trying read your mind// I pushed the thoughts out of my mind and thought of happier thoughts, like seeing Angel. Him and I were doing the usual routine tonight, patrol. I couldn't wait to wrap my arms around him and hold him tight, being away from him for even one day hurt. I loved him so much. I walked to the Crawford Street mansion and saw him sitting by the fire reading some old musty book. "Hey there," I said. "Buffy.." he whispered. "That's what I hear my name is," I commented and went to sit next him, "Whatcha readin' big guy?" "Oh, just some old book," he retorted. Something was wrong with him he was way off, and major cryptic, I didn't like it. When he put the book down on the slate tile he looked up at me and he smiled, it was one of those sad soft smiles. He always does them, but happiness is not in his eyes this time. A pang stings my heart at the site in his eyes, he looks so melancholy, and it was almost unbearable to look at my lover. I decided to put off asking him about what was wrong until we were on patrol. "Sounds like fun," I chirped. "Yeah," he just sighed and stood up. "Alright, lets go than," he took my hand and we slowly strode out of the big mansion. I saw on the way out my English notebook that said `Buffy and Angel Forever'. I had wrote that on the manila paper the day before when I came over Angel's and we hung out and I ended up falling asleep there. This morning it felt so perfect with me in his arms, but something from then until now, I was so confused. "Yea, thats your's right?" he quizzed me. "Yeah, unless someone else has the name Buffy and she loves Angel forever and you've been cheating, I mean." He chuckled softly at my off hand comment. It was music to my ears, him chuckling, I loved when he chuckled or smiled. When he did it made me feel like I had done something right in the world, that I could make someone with that much greif be happy for one moment. And we all know that I've caused him a "moment of true happiness" and that didn't turn out well. I picked up the soft back red notebook with my free hand. He glanced over at me now and then as we walked along the cracked walk way in the manison. It was so quite around us you could hear a pin-dropped and it seemed if either one of us talked the Earth would shatter, that is just how much tension there was. "We have to find out were these baddies are, Angel." "What exactly are they again?" he asked quizzically. "Vampies, Mr. Photographic memory," I smiled and hit him playfully. "So mabye we should go through the sewers to make time easy, I can get around there." He said. "Good thinkin'," I beamed. *IN THE SEWERS* Angel and myself walked noncholantchly down the merchy sewers. "I can't believe it Prom is tomorrow, did you pick up your tux yet?" Angel looked at me like I was four, "Yeah, of course I did Buffy." "Good boy, now you get a treat," and I kissed him on the cheek. Just then a vampire had come out of no were and attacked Angel and myself. "Look out!" I yelled to my lover and kicked the vampire before he touched Angel. He hit me back and I almost tobbled over. Angel took over from there, punching and kicking with aglity while still keeping his resolve face. He got hit back and winced and finally yelled at me, "STAKE!" I threw a perfectly sharp stake towards his hand just hoping that it landed in his hand and not his heart. He staked the vampire with one swift movement and threw the stake back to me. "Thanks," he gave thanks to me. "Anything for my man," I smiled. "Buffy..." he looked up at me. "Yeah?" "The prom is tomorrow." "I know silly, I told you that already." "Its so.." "FUN!" I pirked up. I saw his face soften and become sad. I knew something was wrong and this was the time to ask. "What's wrong?" "Nothing," he shot at me. "That's a something face." I retourted. "Buffy.." "What?" "I've been thinking.." he paused and looked down, this couldn't be good,"Things between us have been going so well, but I don't think that we should be together anymore. I'm leaving you." "Is this because what the Mayor said to us? Becuase I thought we went over that, Angel." I said and I felt tears sting the back of my eyes. "He was right.." //It looks as though you're letting go And if it's real, Well I don't want to know// "No, he wasn't, Angel." my tone was harsh. "Buffy, you deserve someone that can give you more. A normal life. Someone who can make love to you and you deserve someone who can take you into the light. I can't do that. Don't you see we're not meant to be?" //Someday we'll know If love can move a mountain Someday we'll know Why the sky is blue Someday we'll know why I wasn't meant for you// "Angel, what are you saying you don't want to be with me?" I quivered. "Yeah, I'm saying I don't want to be with you, Buffy." "How could you? You once asked me if I was your girl and I said always. That wasn't a lie, I won't be able to have a normal life I am in the darkness, so we are meant to be." "No we're not." He said coldy. "And I'm asking you this, Are you still mine?" "Forever, but that doesn't mean anything," he stated. "Yeah, I think it does. Do you reall not wanna be with me in your heart of hearts?" I was asking him this question becuase I knew his answer was that he wanted to be with me, and i knew he couldn't lie to me. "I don't," he said and looked away with one quick glance. A tear grazed down my face. "After the asecion, I'm gone, I promise, but until then I have to stay and help." He stated and was ready to turn around. "Oh great I can't even have a normal break up." He didn't say a word back to me just walked away in the opposite direction. I looked at the notebook in my hand and just walked back up into the night. *** I walked amlisy until I decided to go to Willow's. I knocked on the door softly, I knew my make-up was a mess from the tears that had fallen in the last 40 minutes. With 3 knocks Willow appeared at the front door, "He...Buffy? Whats wrong?" My ushered me in her house and we walked up the stairs. "He's leaving me" I sadly stated when we reached Willow's flower covered bed. "Angel?" she asked like it was anyone else ever. "Yeah." "Why?" "He said that I deserved more and that all I saw in my future was him and that he couldn't give me everything I wanted. But all I want is him, so he can." I cried. "Maybe he's right, Buffy." she smiled sadly. "I know he is but, I can't breathe Will, I feel like I can't breathe." I sobbed and my head feel to her lap and sad shaking rasped through my body. The only thing I felt at that moment was heart broken as Willow stroked my hair softly like Angel had done for me countless times. //You and me We used to be together Every day together always I really feel I'm losing my best friend I can't believe This could be the end It looks as though you're letting go And if it's real, Well I don't want to know Don't speak I know just what you're saying So please stop explaining Don't tell me 'cause it hurts Don't speak I know what you're thinking I don't need your reasons Don't tell me 'cause it hurts Our memories They can be inviting But some are altogether Mighty frightening As we die, both you and I With my head in my hands I sit and cry// TBC...