The Testament

 of

 Dr. Mirabilis:

 

A Strategy

 for the

Age of Chaos

 

by

 

Charles W. Cosimano

 

 

 

 

  Charles W. Cosimano  1994

 

 

 

TABLE OF CONTENTS

1.        INTRODUCTORY                                                                               

 

2.        METAPHYSICS OF EVIL                                                          

 

3.     OF EVIL AND EVIL DEEDS                                                          

 

4.     OF HENCHMEN AND OTHER ASSISTANCE                     

 

5.     OF SMALL AND GREAT EVIL                                                      

 

6.     OF BECOMING EVIL                                                                

 

 

7.     WHO IS DOCTOR MIRABILIS?                                              

 

8.        HISTORICAL SECTION                                                          

                A.        BLACK KNIGHT                                                               

                B.        PIRATE KING                                                                              C.    DUGPA                                                                                 

                D.        SNIDELY WHIPLASH                                                 

 

 

9.     THE RITES OF CAPTURE                                                    

 

 

10.   THE FIVE PARTS OF CAPTIVITY                                      

 

 

11.   THE CLASSICAL IMPERILMENTS                                      

 

                A.        RAILROAD TRACKS                                                      

                B.        BURNING AT THE STAKE                                      

                C.        DYNAMITE                                                                                 D.        SAWMILL                                                                  

                E.        FEEDING THE DAMSEL TO THE ANTS           

                F.        DROWNING                                                             

 

 

12.   MANUAL OF STYLE                                                                    

                A.        BONDAGE TECHNIQUES                                                       

                B.        TRANSPORTATION                                                

                C.        STORAGE                                                                

 

 

13.        IMPERILMENT TIES                                                             

                A.        RAILROAD TRACKS                                                      

            B.  BURNING AT THE STAKE                                       

                C.  DYNAMITE                                                                

                D.  SAWMILL                                                                

                E.  ANTS                                                                          

                F.  DROWNING                                                               

                G.        GAGGING                                                                  

                H.        BLINDFOLDS                                                              

 

 

13.   VILLAIN STUFF                                                                          

 

 

14.   CALENDAR OF VILLAINOUS DAYS                                    

 

INTRODUCTORY

This is the path of true Evil.  I write this in my six thousandth year in the home I lived virtually all of my present life in.  I have studied and sought this path for over five thou-sand years, since the days ofmy youth when I realized that goodness was for those weak both in mind and in spirit.

For that reason, I for a time, did obeisance to Satan, believing that by such meritorious action, I should become a devil in human form.

I have meditated on the works of the great ones.  I have studied the lives of Louis XI, Pope Alexander VI, his son, Cesare Borgia, Tomas de Torquemada, John Calvin, Vlad Dracul, Tanchelin, Louis XIV, Aaron Burr, Aleister Crowley, Joseph Mengele, all the great men who have done so much to increase the suffering of orphan humanity.

It is to their memory, and to the memory of St. Conrad of Marburg, the patron saint of villains, that I dedicate this volume.

 

Doctor Mirabilis

METAPHYSICS OF EVIL

There is rational of Villainy, not merely of crime, for while all criminals are Villains, not all Villains are criminals.  Quite the contrary.  Many of the greatest deeds of wickedness have been performed by those individuals whose probity in the eyes of the law was unquestioned, even by their victims.  Yet, in spite of that fact, it must be stated that the frail mortals who seek to legislate for their betters, for it must be admitted that the legislator is among the lowest of the human species, have never understood the high calling of Villainy and have ever attempted to stand in its way, thus forcing the man who would follow the true path of darkness to stand outside the law.

In view of this, there is the temptation to link the highest calling to the actions of the petty miscreant who is only capable of robbing some worthless wretch of his life savings.  Fie upon such foolishness!  The true Villain is one who, secure in the knowledge that he is a part of the great chain of being, will undertake to bring chaos into the world, cause suffering on a massive scale and in general make life worth the trouble of living.

So we must begin this noble and instructive treatise by considering the nature of evil itself, not merely as the opposite of good, but as a pre-existent quality, the summam malum, if you will, of all human behavior.  A ding an sich which manifests itself through the activities of those who heed its glorious call.

But at this point we must clear up a misconception that may emerge in the mind of the literate reader.  We will not concern ourselves with the illiterate ones.  It must not be supposed for even the barest second that we hold to the peculiar theory so popular in late classical times, which stated that evil was a physical substance.  No wonder the Empire fell!  Evil is not a thing.  It is, rather, the manifestation of the primordial darkness from whence sprang the universe itself.

In the beginning, as we all know, there was nothing but darkness.  The great explosion, the ultimate violence which created the universe, time, space and all therein, had not yet occurred.  And the first cause, if you will, the first intelligence which made the whole thing go boom, was the Lord of Darkness.  How could it be otherwise when Darkness was all there was?  And of him came his fellow Lords of the Night, self-made, creatures of power.  And for reasons which we cannot even speculate upon, they conspired to create Light, the manifestation of weakness, to oppose their strength.  Who knows?  Maybe they were bored.

And thus the great Blast took place.  And out of that gigantic conflagration, the universe and Light were born.  And of the Light came another, far inferior form of intelligence, the Lords of Light, who believed themselves to be self-made, but were, in fact, merely the demented creations of the Lords of Darkness, who made them to be their playthings.

But the Lords of Light persisted in their foolishness, as they do even to this endarkened age, rejecting the wisdom of the Darkness and choosing to exhault in its place the madness of light and its corresponding principle of weakness.  And to mask the truth, which they can never admit, not knowing it themselves, they created the beings, perhaps beasts would be a better word, called by men Heroes.  And these Heroes were given the illusion of strength to counter the true power of the Darkness.

The Lords of Darkness were amused by the new game, but disturbed as well, for the Heroes worked their false strength with such cunning that they feared that the race of men should be forever lost to the falsehood of Light and be seduced into the paths of weakness.  It was out of that fear that the Lords of Darkness created the Villains, who would forever stand against the heroes and make humanity realize that weakness is a disease and that compassion, its symptom, is as a lie, an illusion, a foolish dream and by opposing, end it.  And the Villain must always win, for there is no way for the Hero to even have a hope of triumph unless he becomes like the Villain, to use the force of Darkness to his benefit and thus become one with the Darkness itself.

But why must the Villain, who is strong, be considered evil and the Hero, who is weak, be considered good?  It is only through the success of the Great Lie, worked upon the minds of men by the insane Lords of Light.  The definition that they have driven into the foolish hearts of men is that Light is good and Darkness evil and they have been so successful in that striving that they have not only made themselves to believe it, but all other men do as well, and thus, we, who, in spite of our higher allegiance, are nonetheless men, must adhere to that definition until the forces of Light are destroyed and Darkness once again reigns supreme in the universe.

Ours is, after all, the superior way.  The Darkness which we serve is the first cause, the true Creative Force out of which came all there is.  Light, being the mere creation, is far inferior and cannot be other in spite of the Great Lie.

This the reason that by allying ourselves to the Lords of Darkness we partake of their strength and their wisdom, unlike our adversaries who follow a weaker path.  Those fools who follow the path of light, have no such great resource to draw upon, save that small hope of Darkness in the black hearts of mankind.  Heroes are weak, being themselves followers of the principle of Ultimate Weakness.  It is the desire of the Lords of Light that men should remain powerless, while the Lords of Darkness give strength to whomever calls upon them and follows them in the way of the Shadow.

The Lords of the Light thrive upon ignorance, for is not knowledge strength?  And wisdom, that goal of all true men, comes from knowledge.  The word of Darkness is strong, far superior to the silence of Light and thus is it not true that where the book-burners hide, are not the followers of Light among them?

Ignorance, on the other hand, produces weakness, just as it produces foolishness and the Hero is always an unlettered beast, who has no ability but in his overdeveloped muscles.

Out of this must come conflict.  The Light cannot withstand the Darkness which surrounds it and absorbs it.  The Light cannot bear the Truth that it too is of the Darkness.  But the Darkness and its Lords are patient and can wait while we, their chosen ones, the Villains, do the Great work and drive the forces of Light and Weakness from the world.

 

OF EVIL AND EVIL DEEDS

All philosophers write of the problem of good and evil.  Primarily, they wish to address the question of how one is to be a good man in evil times.  In this, they are mistaken, for if experience teaches anything, it is the good which is to be avoided and the evil which is to be embraced.

As it is written:

 

"Straight from the shoulder,

 I think like a soldier,

 I know what's right and what's wrong.

 I'm the Original Discriminating Buffalo Man

 And I'll do what's wrong as long as I can."

 

When one hears those stirring lines, the heart thrills with joy.  Were it only that simple.

All societies use the concept of good and evil to enforce conformity.  Therefore the surest way to evil is to discover what constitutes conformity and then do the opposite.  If a quality of the personality is regarded as virtuous, cast it from your life and if a quality is regarded as a vice, amplify it, uplift it, practice it and enjoy it.

It is in seeking to know what is considered good that many a budding Villain falls by the wayside, for in that search, they fall prey to the insidious nature of goodness itself.  They catch the dreaded (by all followers of the true path) disease of conformity.  They begin to seek the acceptance and approval of their fellows for its own sake, rather than as a cloak to cover their own dark deeds.

While the distinction may be obvious when reading about it, it is far less so in practice.  The company of others is very attractive and few indeed are those who can withstand total isolation from any length of time.  Only those of great spiritual power are usually capable of such a feat.  It is very unwise to assume that merely because you have chosen a path that places you beyond the common ruck that you have automatically become superhuman.  While we may all look forward to the next step of human evolution--Homo Horribilis--when man shall truly be wolf to man, it is with our present condition that we must deal.

All evil must produce a feeling of suffering in its victims.  There must be pain of body or mind or both, for as it is written:

"What doth it availeth a man if he kill the whole world if it dieth without pain?"

The work of the Villain, therefore, is to cause human pain.  You must study hard this work, for it is not sufficient to merely injure the body of your victim, you must damage the soul as well.

What is it that causes most people to suffer?  Fear.  For we know that it is the fear of something which is far worse than the thing itself.  Take Death for example.

In and of itself, death is far from terrible.  The human condition is such that in almost all cases, it is preferable to life.  Yet all sane men fear dying.  Often this fear is the result of base superstition, tales of punishment in an afterlife, for example.  But usually, the real fear is not of death itself, with its total cessation of suffering, but rather of dying, for as the saying goes:

"Death is always quick, but the road to it can be exceedingly slow."

But death is not always the greatest fear.  There are the classical phobias: heights, confined places, water, etc.. There is the fear of poverty, humiliation, social isolation.  And, most powerful of all, fear of injury to loved ones.  Not for nothing is it said "He who loves leaves hostages to fate."

It is for that reason that the true Villain is of a loveless breed.  The less one has to lose, the greater one's courage.

For that reason, the weakest and most helpless of people are always those with the strongest emotional ties.  These are the ones who you will find the greatest joy in attacking.  It is one thing to torture the parent.  It is quite another to torture the child in the presence of the parent.  This is a basic fact to which all of the great evildoers in history will attest.

Therefore, one of the first actions of a Villain must be to learn of the fears of his victim.  Never forget that the fear of pain is often harder to bear than pain itself.  The wise interrogator knows this, as does the capable dentist.

As a Villain, you must cast out all fears from your life.  You do this in order that your enemies may not be given some hold over you.  You must value life so little that you can look a robber in the eye and say "Go ahead and shoot."

To some, this may seem to be an unnecessarily harsh view.  And their reasoning must be considered.  To be evil is to be truly alive.  It is to be unemcumbered by the weaknesses of our fellow men.  And one can hardly live to the fullest if one is dead!

But as all social control is based on fear, the one who is not afraid is the one least able to be controlled.  This you must never forget.  Society has no defense against one who is truly willing to die.

Fortunately, however, our great work rarely requires such extremes, for as it is said:

"He who fights and runs away, lives to fight another day."

Yet this is the whole of the matter.  All Evil is based on the suffering of our fellow men and our Villainy is based upon our capacity to inflict pain and to enjoy inflicting it.

It is this very ability to take our pleasure in the pain of others that gives us our strength.  For we feed upon that which weakens the lesser breeds of humanity.  Consider this:  Who is more likely to survive?  Will it be the one who shares his food, or the one who hoards it?  The answer is obvious.  But there is one beyond these, who manages to appear to do good while really doing harm.

Study well the ways by which men are deceived.  The wise Villain teaches his child the mores of his society, not that he should be so foolish as to accept them himself, but rather to learn that people's values are levers by which they can be manipulated.

And remember, the stronger a quality which resides in a person, the more likely it is to become a weakness.  A man who is truly honest is the one who is easiest to cheat, for being incapable of cheating others, he is unlikely to expect it to happen to himself.  But the most damning and damaging weakness of all is guilt.  Guilt is the direct result of the presence of a conscience.  It is the controlling element in the hands of good-doers by which they seek to maintain the power of the weak over the strong.  All True Villains are totally bereft of conscience.

It is not easy to attain this perfect state and no one who tells the truth will make light of the difficulties that you will face.  But you must make the attempt.  It is only power that separates the Villain from the common ruck, the power of his mind and of his character, dominated by the sheer, unyielding ruthlessness of his personality.

Consider if you will the parable of the Wise and Foolish Soldiers.  In Vietnam, there were two American foot soldiers, each in a different unit.

The unit with the First Soldier found itself under enemy fire and huddling with a group of civilians.  A grenade fell among them and the Foolish Soldier unthinkingly threw himself upon it, saving his comrades, but at the cost of his own life.

The unit with the Wise Soldier was in a similar circumstance.  But in this case, the Wise Soldier threw one of the civilians on the grenade, saving himself and his fellows at the cost of a total stranger.

In the above story, the Wise Soldier was no less courageous than the Foolish Soldier.  He merely was able, in the emergency, to call upon his superior character, schooled in ruthlessness, to make the right decision.  He did not hesitate to think, but instinctively sacrificed the weakest of the party that he might survive.

For as it is written:

"What profiteth a man, if he save the whole world and loseth his own life in the process?"

In other words, if you are beside a river and a small child falls in, you let the little bastard drown.

Now, let us consider the making of an evil deed.

You have seen blind people.  Who has not?  With their staggering around and tripping people with stupid canes, they should be exterminated.  And in more civilized societies they would be.  But you must remember that our society values weakness.  It has lost the capacity to enjoy another's pain.  Hence, people place an inordinate value upon the well-being and happiness of of those whom nature, in his greater wisdom, created to be despised.

This being the case, society, in its foolishness and vain sympathy, has given the True Villain an obvious target.  Therefore, you must first study this victim.

It cannot see.  This means it has no sense of direction and no warning of danger except that which can be heard, felt or smelt.  The most simple act then, can take on far greater significance.  All the Villain need do is give the disgusting creature the wrong directions.  At the very least, it will staggering off not knowing where it will end up and at best it may be hit by a car or even, if you are very lucky, fall off a cliff.

Thus you may see, that by preying upon the weak and useless, you may cause great annoyance to the strong.  One should not rob from those who are rich, for at most you cause them only a mild inconvenience, at greater risk to yourself as they often have the means of retaliation.  But when you steal from the poor, you cause great and lasting suffering.

Therefore, let it be your guiding principal that all actions taken in the name of Villainy be directed against those who are too weak, either in resource or in spirit, to defend themselves or to retaliate against you.

OF HENCHMEN

AND OTHER ASSISTANCE

While it is generally assumed that a Villain will work alone, that is not always the case.  Many operations call for the aid given knowingly or otherwise of others.  Consider the great evildoers of our own century.  Could the genius of a Mengele flower as it did without the help of so many?  How could Stalin, on whom be peace, have carried out his purges, which rid Russia of so much surplus population, alone?

The truth of the matter is that we need henchmen to carry out the day-to-day tasks of our Art and finding the right ones is a task of consummate importance.

You must always choose your henchmen with the task he is to fulfill in mind.  You would not, for example, recruit some unlettered brute of a truck driver to do your accounting.  Neither would you expect your accountant to do your strong-arm work for you.

A henchman must be able to keep his mouth shut.  This is  very important, for obvious reasons.  He must also be able to perform his assigned tasks quickly and properly.  It should never be necessary for a Villain to have to clean up the mistakes of his henchmen.

It is a good idea to pick henchmen who admire you, though it is not necessary for them to burn incense in front of your picture as was once required by a certain mayor of Chicago, but he also wore women's underwear.  It is sufficient that they make their girlfriends available to you.

Henchmen should possess a modicum of courage.  There are few things more embarrassing to a Villain than to have his henchmen run away like Arab soldiers being attacked by a mop wielding Israeli cleaning lady.

It must be impressed upon your henchmen that it is not proper for them to steal the Villain's silverware.  As most henchmen know nothing of wine, however, it is not likely that you will have to fear for your cellar.  The plate is another matter and you should never let the henchmen find the key.

By the wise recruiting of your henchmen, you may save yourself much extra labor.  They can be used to lay the groundwork for your significant deeds; foreclosures, betrayals of all types, distressing of damsels, or they can be set to tasks of minor evil but of great utility such as poisoning school lunches or setting fire to nursing homes.

The henchman should also possess detailed knowledge of the tools of Villainy.  He should, for example, know something about explosives, not only their manufacture and use, but also which type is proper for the deed being contemplated.  he must also know something about knot tying and, for that reason, the best henchmen are found to be ex-boy scouts and these are usually found outside of pool halls or Nazi Party headquarters.

There are other skills as well that are good to find in a henchman.  Computer experts are always in great demand.  Any henchman who can work on a car is worth three suicide epidemics.  Carpentry, skill with tools or weapons, all are highly desirable.

Henchmen should be clean and sober, at least most of the time.  A henchman who uses drugs is as useless as a 10-day-old baby.  This is because while they are never the intellectual equal of a Villain, the henchmen must still, if necessary, be able to think quickly and act in the best interests of the Villain.  If his mind be befuddled by strong drink or strange chemicals the henchman cannot work effectively.

There sometimes arises the question of the wisdom of using henchwomen.  This is a serious matter which requires careful study.

On the whole, women are rarely to be trusted.  She who protests her love today may be the one who turns against you tomorrow.  However, as we are Villains and not monks, such relationships and their accompanying dangers would seem to be inevitable.  And having one around gives you someone on whom to practice your knot-tying.

Bikers, welfare mothers, and union members make very poor henchmen.

OF SMALL AND GREAT EVIL

Just as there is the distinction between great and small men, so is there the distinction between great and small evil.

As the great man becomes a great Villain, causing tremendous and creative suffering to the mass of worthless humanity, so the small man becomes as a union member and never rises above the level of a petty thief.

While it is true that Villain may lie, cheat and, on rare occasions, steal, his real work lies in bringing mortal sorrow, with skill and with brilliance.

Consider, if you will, the nature of the opportunities.  The small man who, let us say, works in a hospital as an orderly, will steal small articles from the patients and then boast of his takings at the local bar.  It is only a matter of time until he is caught, fired, and subject to retribution.

But the great man, who is in the hospital as a doctor, has no time for such pettiness.  Rather he waits and prepares for a proper opportunity which comes in the form of a child dying of a rare disease.  An autopsy is performed and the doctor, very carefully, arranges to have parts of the child delivered to the grieving parents, in so doing making certain that no blame falls upon himself.  The news of this gets out and all who hear of it are shocked and dismayed, except for his fellow Villains who see the story on television and wish that they had thought of it.

All great evil produces admiration.

If you think about it, it is the Villains of history who are the most remembered.  They are the ones who inspire envy, for the doers of good, all of them, prove to be weak creatures, fit ultimately to be spat upon.  If one looks at the suicidal megalomania of Jesus, the despicable ideals of Ghandi, and, even as I write this, the pitiful psychosis of a Mother Theresa, it becomes obvious why any man with more than an ounce of guts in him will choose to admire and emulate the doers of evil.

Therefore you must concentrate upon doing great deeds.  While the low-bred urban youth will spit in the soup of his betters, the Villain will poison the water supply of an entire city.

When embarking upon a course of action, give careful thought to what you are about.  Will the act cause but a minor annoyance, or will it so disturb the peace of the community that distracted citizens will look beneath their beds for fear of what may be hiding there?

Remember that is not necessary to harm the body if you are able to kill the soul and the human soul is made to be killed.

Reconsider the lesson of the first chapter, that an evil practiced upon the weak is greater than one practiced upon the strong.  That being the case, choose your targets with that in mind.  The choice of a target is more important than the choice of method.

In order of importance, the best targets for ordinary evil are:

1. Children

2. Any with a handicap

3. The old

4. The poor.

For High Villainy, the best targets are:

 

1.        Damsels

2. Any institution upon which the health or livelihood of a  community depends

3. Religious leaders

4. Political figures.

Most of the time you will leave the ordinary acts of evil, such as stealing from an orphanage, to your henchmen, while reserving the higher targets for yourself.  The methods of dealing with the first group are usually quite simple and may often be used on the spur of the moment.  Dealing with the second group is more difficult and, in the case of the Damsel, a veritable art form.

Always strive towards greatness in both thought and deed.  There is no surer way to avoid the small evil than by the avoidance of being a small man.  See yourself as an actor upon the stage of human history.  Recognize in yourself your own power.  Cast out all fear, but retain prudence and circumspec-tion and be able to tell the difference.

In achieving this end, it is well to study the oriental classics, particularly the writings of Confucius and the I Ching.  While these works attempt to emphasize the disease of goodness, they nevertheless recognize the fundamental difference between the great and the small.  By learning to see that difference, you will be able to decide which action to take, which action will cause the greatest suffering to the greatest number.

Another source of greatness in evil lies in the creative soul of the Villain.  While much of the material in this manual may seem like a list of hard and fast rules, they are, in truth, only suggestions, guides along the path of wickedness.  For, as it is written:

 

"For the true Villain, the only rule is that there are no rules."

Rules, regulations, ordinances, all things meant to be slavishly followed, are the very stuff of weakness.  It is the followers of goodness who would seek to so control their fellow men.  And it is only weak, those attached to goodness as an addict is attached to his drugs, who fall into that trap.

Never forget that it is only the weak who fall into the pit of order.  Rules are an essential of that abyss, and it is for the small man, whose only desire is that one day shall be exactly like the day before, who desires and tolerates it.

The Villain, who is exceptional in the superior sense, hates order, and will do all that is within his great power to accomplish its downfall.  He is a creator of chaos.

Disorder is therefore the hallmark of the wise evildoer.  There must always be about you a certain unpredictability.  People may be able to set their clocks by you, but they cannot predict you laughter or your rage, and they cannot tell if one is masking the other.  True greatness always has about it the quality of a mask.

OF BECOMING EVIL

It is not enough to merely wish to be a Villain.  One must set one's mind to it, put the gears in motion as it were.  As it is written:

"Evil is who evil does."

Therefore, you must train your mind to the doing of evil deeds.  You must study the works of those who have gone before.  True, not everyone can be a Mengele or a Borgia.  But everyone can try.

Once you realize this fact, you should begin at once to think of yourself as a Villain.  This is the first step, for nothing is as important to being as knowing the self to be.  The mind must be brought to the full realization of its potential for badness.

Begin by driving the weaknesses of fear and compassion from you.  Fear is relatively easy to rid yourself of, for with each success you will become more and more confident.  Compassion is another matter entirely.

First, you must understand that not all compassion is detrimental.  Hitler loved animals, as do all great doers of evil.  We respect their ruthless innocence, what Lord Satan calls their inability to be corrupt.  It is compassion towards our fellow humans which is dangerous.  Why is this?

Compassion is linked to conscience and conscience kills, quite literally.  Any possibility of guilt becomes a festering sore in the subconscious mind.  This sore will grow until it will cause you to make a mistake which may very well prove to be fatal.  Hence, by ridding yourself of the disease of compassion, you may begin to kill your conscience before it can kill you.

Fortunately, we live in a time when this is surprisingly easy.  The very forces that the powers of good depend upon to weaken and enslave humanity may, if properly used, be turned to our own dark end.

Consider if you will television.  The doers of good, despicable slime that they are, believe that by showing true and graphic scenes of human suffering; fire, flood, famine, etc., they will awaken a strong, sickening compassion in the viewer.  And, all too often, they are correct.  Most people lack the ability, at first exposure, to withstand the sight of such things.  They make the terrible, but natural, mistake of putting themselves in the position of the victim.

But, after a certain time, nature, outraged by the schemes of goodness, takes a hand to correct the mistake.  For the more times a person is exposed to an image, no matter how shocking, the less impact that image has.  And the very medium of television has provided us with a way of desensi-tizing us even faster.  It has given us the laugh track.  If a person is trained to see human pain for the source of enter-tainment that it is, half the battle is won.

Therefore, if you are troubled by thoughts of compassion, make a tape of recorded laughter and play it at the sight of every televised tragedy.  Very soon you will be immunized.

As you lose your vulnerability to ravings of the broad-cast journalist, you will discover a new power entering your life which will significantly alter your relationships with your fellow humans.  This power is nothing more than that firm-ness possessed by all strong individuals.

You may help yourself along in this way by consciously choosing to identify with the Villain in popular fiction.  When you do this, you become the one who controls how you respond to the work rather than the creator of the work himself.

Being a Villain is, in the final analysis, nothing more than taking control of your own life and flying in the face of convention.  By learning to avoid, and ultimately despise, the forces that control the lives of lesser men, you, as a Villain, will become stronger than they.  See yourself as the one holding the whip.  Be the one holding the gun.  Despise anyone who advo-cates weakness in any of its guises.  And do no good to any man except that it ultimately lead to the greater hurt.

Learn to look upon your fellow humans as the lion looks upon the lamb--as dinner!  Be the predator traveling disguised in the midst of the prey.

Meditate upon the nature of evil and why you have chosen it as a path.  Clear your mind and see the flow of the forces of nature.  Learn to discriminate between the strong and weak, the great and the small.

You have made your choice and said to the universe, "Evil, be thou my good."  Now you must follow the course you have chosen in life.  You must never waiver, never dither, never entertain a second thought or vain regret.  You must be what you have become.

WHO IS DR. MIRABILIS?

To record the biography of Dr. Mirabilis would require us to cover 5000 years of human history.  So to make what is a long, albeit incredibly interesting story, shorter, though still incredibly interesting, Dr. Mirabilis has been credited with changing the course of the Euphrates River, thus making the fertile crescent infertile, giving wrong directions to Noah, thus causing the ark to run aground on top of a mountain, persuading a whole bunch of Egyptians to build a giant statue of a lion with his head on it, and not tell anyone who it is a statue of, thus driving archeologists nuts, telling King David that Bathsheba was leaving the window shade up in her bathroom, telling Socrates that there was money in philosophy, and inventing China.  At that point he decided to retire.

Fortunately he did not stay retired long.  He came back and persuaded Nero that the only way to get urban renewal for Rome was to have a bonfire in its honor.  He is also credited with Nero's unique way of lighting his garden in the evening.  The Doctor then went to the Christians and gave them the idea that burning people was even more fun than burning books.

After this, he got of politics for a while and did some traveling, where he taught a Hun named Atilla how to ride a horse and pillage.  Then he retired again and went to Scandinavia to do some fishing.  While there, he helped Vikdun the Crazy to build his first boat.  Vikdun, being crazy, did not know what to do with it, so Dr. Mirabilis suggested that he travel south to see what was worth stealing.

While sailing in the Persian Gulf with a thoroughly lost Vikdun, he ran into a camel driver named Mohammed and we won't go into what he told him.  Then they sailed further southeast and ended up in India, where the Doctor helped the good Brahmans solve the problem of excess widows.

Eventually the Doctor settled down and built himself a castle on top of a hill, where he could distress the local damsels in comfort, wear nice, black armor and think of new taxes for the peasants.

After a few centuries of this, he started a whispering campaign about witches being in the neighborhood.  He even was so kind as to loan the local inquisitor his private dungeon.

Things got boring again, so he went back to sea and took up piracy for a while, made enough money to buy some railroad stock and at the same time find uses for the tracks that no one had ever thought of before.

If the truth be told, however, the Doctor finds the present age almost boring.  It is difficult to be a villain when every evening the news shows things that make his worst efforts seem silly by comparison.  This being the case, he has decided to have a little fun with his art and confine himself to the fine and ancient art of distressing damsels and generally giving people a good shock every now and then.

HISTORICAL

SECTION

THE BLACK KNIGHT

It is only fitting that we begin this study of villainy by looking at the most famous and in many ways the most fabulous villain of all, the Black Knight, that great servant of Darkness and archetypal distresser of damsels.

It can even be said that the term "Villain" was first applied to this worthy by his opponents, who, lacking the words to express their outrage and indignation, could only compare his behavior to that of their serfs.  Hence the term "villein" became the title Villain and a badge of shame became a mark of great honor.

The Black Knight is an individual who figures in all medieval legend under various names.  In fact, he is based on any number of historic characters, some of whom could be very nasty indeed, though he is more normally associated with the Arthurian legends.  His character is connected with his black armor and his dark castle with its well equipped and occupied dungeon, so let us examine him further.

The practice of wearing black armor was, in fact, highly practical.  By painting his armor black, the knight could usually travel alone, without the burden of a squire, who could require almost as much feed as the horse, squires being notorious for their youthful gluttony.  The squire had many duties, among them keeping the knight's armor shiny and free of rust.  This last feat was accomplished by the difficult, arduous and decidedly unknightly task of placing the armor in a barrel of sand and rolling it around until the metal was polished.  Painted armor stayed sound without all this trouble and black seems to have been the only color available.  In point of fact, black armor was favored by a number of warriors who were decidedly not of our glorious number, such as Edward the Black Prince, who could certainly have afforded the care and feeding of a squire.

The association of black armor with evil comes from a number of causes.

First, the squireless knight was usually in some need of funds, often being the younger son of a poor baron, so in order to get money, he would hire himself out as a mercenary, never considered a virtuous occupation and especially not by the peasants and merchants he lived off of.  It was that or rob human people.

The word "blackmail", for example, comes from the black armor worn by border reivers on the English-Scot boundary.  There was also a famous group of mercenary cavalry in Germany known as the Schwarzreiters (black riders) who were extremely good fighters but not very nice people.

The association of black with the robber knights led to the same association with the robber barons, whose armor was generally not black.  From them we get the image of the dark castle on the high, craggy hill overlooking the smoke-filled valley populated by terrified but honest (hah!) peasants.  Of course, any well placed castle would be on a high, craggy hill, the better to avoid being attacked.

The Black Knight, in addition to robbing and pillaging, was an expert at the art of distressing damsels, who would be treated in accordance to their rank in the well-ordered society of the time.  The Royal Damsel, usually a princess, had to be chained with golden shackles and lodged in a tower.  She would be invited to dine with the Baron, but would always refuse, waiting to be either ransomed or rescued, one of which would always occur.  The Baron rarely acted alone in such matters as the distressing of Royal damsels was always an act of war.

The encaptivation of such a damsel required an elaborate etiquette which sometimes necessitated much preparation.  Medieval armies usually did not stock gold chains.

The Baron was require to make the encaptivation himself with as little violence as possible and remove his helmet when announcing to the damsel that she was his prisoner.  The damsel, for her part, was permitted, nay required, to insult the Baron and his ancestry, though the Baron could retaliate by threatening to toss her elderly nurse to the foot-soldiers.  It could become very complicated and noisy, with the Baron trying to get his helmet off, the damsel protesting and the elderly nurse screaming.  After a day of this, even flogging the peasants could hardly settle the Baron's nerves.

If the damsel was of noble birth, she would be treated with much the same dignities as the royal damsel, with the exception that her chains did not have to be of gold and it was not necessary to lodge her in the tower, even though sticking her in the dungeon was considered very bad form.  She too could be ransomed or rescued, if her family was powerful enough.  If no such aid was forthcoming, however, the Baron found himself out on a bit of a limb, for he was then expected to either find her a suitable husband or even release her as a gesture of good will.  It was considered very, very bad form to drown her in the moat or sell her to the Turks.

Once the damsel got below noble grade, however, things became progressively less pleasant for her, though more entertaining for the Baron.  If she was of what could be called the middle grade, being the daughter of a fat merchant, she could at least hope for ransom or maybe even marriage to a poor knight in the Baron's service.  Her treatment in captivity, however, could never, ever, be that of a person of blood.  For example, she would probably be taken in a raid upon a party of travelers.  As that meant they had to go some distance back to the castle, she would be permitted to ride, but with her hands tied behind her and her feet tied under the horse.  If the party were more than one night from the Baron's castle, she would spend it tied up with the horses, being fed only after the knights and squires and often subjected to rude stares and nasty comments.  No rape was permitted, however, as that would deter the family from paying ransom.

Upon reaching the castle, she was usually lodged in the dungeons, though in one of the comfortable cells, maybe even one with a window, there to await her fate.  If she was so unfortunate that no ransom would be paid, or so ill-favored that none would take her to wife or mistress, she could be disposed of by selling her to a Saracen or even drowning her in the moat.  At times a Baron with a sense of humor would rid himself of such a damsel by stripping her and leaving her bound outside a monastery as a gift for the surprised monks.

The worst treatment was reserved for damsels of the lowest grade, the peasants.  In fact, there was some debate as to whether a peasant wench could be called a damsel.  She would usually be taken during an attack on her village, marched back to the castle barefoot, her hands tied behind her and pulled along by a rope around her neck, usually well used and abused by the troops along the way.

Back in the castle, she would be deposited in the deepest, darkest dungeon, chained to the wall naked or in her shift.  When her amusement value ran out, she could be charged with witchcraft and it was considered quite proper for the Baron to supervise the torture, though he would not soil himself on her otherwise.  When she could no longer be entertained in this manner, she was then burned at the stake and her ashes dumped in the moat.

The concept of the black-clad figure as the representative of evil is not limited to the medieval environment.  It adapts well to all settings, in particular to motorcyclists, science-fiction characters and even heretical Theosophists.

PIRATE KING

"War makes thieves, peace hangs them."  That was the way piracy was described by the British with their usual stuffiness.  Well, a pirate could be nothing more than a thief, but on some rare occasions he was known to rise to the level of the highest villainy, becoming almost as terrible as the Black Knight and thus assuring himself a place in the legends of all men of the sea and lot of good movie roles as well.  I refer, of course, to the pirate captain, as there is no question in my mind, or any other authority on the matter that the crew of a pirate vessel was as stupid and brutish and dirty as any collection of union members.

Piracy itself is an ancient and respected form of evil, which is as old as the first boat and still continues today in the waters off Bermuda and Asia as the savage heathen who populate those regions vainly attempt to imitate their more civilized predecessors.  We will not concern ourselves with the activities of the barbarian, but rather with the civilized sea rover of centuries ago.

A pirate needs a ship, usually a galleon, a loyal crew, a treasure to bury when he gets old and the map to another treasure left by some illustrious forebear.  He is invariably well dressed, his hair neatly clubbed, a rapier or saber at his side along with a brace of pistols, as opposed to the cutlasses and belaying pins of the crew.

His ship is clean and trim, thanks to his tireless efforts and the worship felt for him by the crew.  Every day he would stand upon his quarterdeck, spyglass in a well-manicured hand, looking out on his home, the sea, assessing the speed and cargo of his prey.

That prey would almost certainly be a fat merchantman, riding heavy in the water, loaded to the plimsol line with gold of the New World or jewels and spices from far India.  the pirate captain would smile his smile, or sneer his sneer and give the order to turn about, make ready and run out the guns.  And, above all else, make certain that old Jolly Roger was hoisted in the breeze, flying high in the wind and not hanging as still as a gibbet on Execution Dock.

His skill at seamanship was a great as his nastiness, for he usually began his career as an officer in the Royal Navy and his first task would be to take the wind on his victim, increasing his speed and tactical position.  Driven by the gale, he would proceed to overhaul the merchant ship.  There would be a short battle, in which the superiority of his ship and crew would be made obvious when compared to the lackluster and weak performance by the merchant crew, besotted by rum as they were.  Why, they would put up such a poor fight that you would have thought them a pack of landlubber actors, playing on the stage, rather than desperate men fighting for their very lives.

But the battle, if it could be called that, is soon ended.  The crew of the merchant ship is tied up on deck and the pirate crew cares for its few wounded and begins the laborious task of transferring the cargo, the sale of which will buy rum and women for the crew, guns, powder and shot for the ship and maybe a new snuff-box for the captain.

This happy task complete, the pirate crew must now settle down to the disposal of the merchant crew.  There was no question that they must die; the only problem remaining was in the manner with which they should be sent to the great port in the sky.  There were several approved ways of dealing with this problem.

First, and most common, they could be made to walk the plank, that being an ancient and honorable pirate custom.  After all, the sharks deserve a good meal.

Second, they could be locked in the hold of their ship and scuttled with her.  Aye, 'tis true that the death of a ship was a painful thing for any man of the sea and pirates, captain and crew alike, wished it did not to be so, but what be must be.

Third, they could be bound to kegs of gunpowder and blown up with their ship, but powder is a precious thing and only a very rich captain would opt for the last.

That was the way of ordinary piracy.  But, on rare occasions, the pirates would discover a damsel among the passengers of the ship.  Now the usual rule was that passengers died with the crew as there was little use for them but to be dinner for the jellyfish.  But, shiver me timbers (whatever in hell that means), a damsel was a different keg of minnows, a rare treasure indeed, albeit a hazardous one for the men might grumble that women be bad luck aboard ship (as well as anywhere else) and she certainly did no good for the last one.  Still, the captain would remind his crew, the forms must be followed if one is to be a villain and not a steel-worker.

The damsel was never to be scuttled with the ship, so she was put to one side to watch the fate of the crew of the merchant vessel.  She was now a prisoner of war and had to be dealt with in one of the following ways.

She could be brought back to port with ship.  If the captain were to decide upon this, she would be taken below deck, stripped of her finery (which would be sold anyway), clapped into irons and fed on weak gruel and hardtack.  The mate may suggest that she be given a taste of the cat on her fair back, so as to teach her the manners appropriate to her new position, and entertain the crew as well, but the captain would refuse as that would hurt her selling price.

When the pirate ship was about to reach port, the damsel would be brought into the air and bound to the main-mast so that the bidders could examine the merchandise.  If she were well formed, she could bring the price of a new cannon.

If she were so unfortunate as to go without any buyers, even the local tavern owner not wanting her, it was then permissible to rape her and feed her to the sharks.

DUGPA

Of all the Villains that you will try to study, the Dugpas of Thibet are among the weirdest.  In fact, if it were not for their being so extremely terrestrial, it would be tempting to lump them in with the Little Green Men and the other science fiction villains, so unusual is their power.

The first thing you must know about the Dugpa is that in spite of the writings of Madame Blavatsky and her trans-Himalayan deimgods called the Masters, the Dugpa is not always a Villain, but thanks to the redoubtable Theosophist and her followers, the term has come to mean, at least to the uninformed, a particular variety of Black Magician who dwells in the hidden mists of Thibet, at least before the Chinese came and imposed the religion of ping pong and ill-fitting jackets.

The Dugpa is a rather interesting character.  For one thing, he does not usually distress damsels, which would seem to make his villainy rather boring, but rather seeks to distress anyone who will get in his way of attaining great mystic power.  As, by definition, he already has such power, the entire enterprise may seem a bit superfluous.

But our Dugpa carries on.  He summons demons to do his bidding and sends hail and landslides to those who have opposed or offended him.  In his scarlet robes and red hat, the symbol of his office, he spends hours, days in silent meditation, studying the very forces that control the universe and how to best make them serve his own purposes, purposes which are as shrouded in mystery as the mountains of his realm.

To become a true Dugpa is the work of a lifetime.  The aspirant begins usually as a small boy apprenticed to a great and wise teacher.  As he progresses, he is sent off to various lamaseries to study under other great and wise teachers and ultimately becomes one himself.  A true Dugpa is always ready to teach his knowledge to others, for by spreading it around, he increases the honor which accrues to himself.  In that sense, the Dugpa is the most generous of all Villains.

The western equivalent of the Dugpa is the notorious Black Magician, who likewise utilizes his mysterious powers to bring about certain ends.  As times have changed, these individuals have mechanized their art and utilize such devices as are commonly called Psionic to increase and magnify their reign of ultimate terror but the basic ends remain the same.

SNIDELY WHIPLASH

Much of what we will now consider is the result of the tireless and evil efforts of those brave malefactors of the past whose names have been forgotten, but who still manage to leave a great legacy in the legend which has become personified in the one whom we will now consider.

Snidely Whiplash is a generic name for the generic Villain.  He has become a comical figure in his black top hat and cape, twisting his narrow but waxed mustache as he went about his daily business of foreclosing on widows and orphans, giving liquor to the alcoholics and tying fair damsels to the railroad tracks.  Comical?  Yes, because he is of an age that has become comical in itself, a period of that preposterous, lunatic Queen, Victoria, whose greatest personal achievement was in being the grandmother of Jack the Ripper (on whom be peace).  A time when men wore silly hats and smiling was forbidden by an act of Parliament.

Aided by his trusty henchmen, who were not very well educated, coming from such places as Liverpool and Stockport, Snidely would dedicate his skills to the joyous task of making life utterly miserable for everyone around him, something like Queen Victoria herself.

And this is one of the strange facts about Snidely.  He has his roots in the 19th century businessman, who dressed and acted much as he does.  His costume is that of the prosperous, Calvinist entrepreneur of the time and his behavior, as Dickensian as it is in many ways, is typical of the period.  He would never, in his wildest imaginings, imperil a damsel in the same way as the Black Knight, nor would he have the same degree of honesty in his evil.

But, for all that, it must be said that Snidely certainly knew how to enjoy himself.  Think of it.  Can there be any pleasure greater, any experience more warming to the dark recesses of the soul, than to see a see a stupid, ill-educated, obviously working class woman with her dozen ragged children, standing in the snow falling on Christmas Eve, watching with tear-filled eyes as her family is evicted from their tenement?

Is there no better way to spend the holidays than by visiting a sick employee in the hospital, bedded down and beset with worries about his debts and wondering how to afford the Christmas Goose and telling him he is fired?

And what expectation can be greater that which came from standing behind a shrub, watching the damsel writhe on the railroad tracks, waiting for the train?
This is truly the stuff of high Villainy.

THE RITES OF CAPTURE

There is a serious disagreement about the procedures involved in the taking of the damsel.  The anti-traditionalists of the modern school are of the opinion that the capture is a relatively simple matter.  In their view, the Villain assigns this task to the henchmen, who proceed to hit her over the head with a large, blunt instrument and drag her unconscious form to a waiting vehicle.  In some cases, drugs of various kinds are used, the chloroform-soaked pad being the favorite.  But the end is always the same.  The damsel is out cold and thus unable to properly appreciate the fate that awaits her at the villain's lair.

The traditionalists approach the taking of the damsel in a much different way.  To them, even this mundane necessity is a sacred act and the ritual form must be followed.  Their reasoning implies that the capture must be accomplished without violence as that would undermine the sacramental character of the action.  While on the surface, it is difficult to justify this view when the ultimate fate of the damsel is considered, it is, nonetheless, a point worthy of consideration.

As the traditionalists would have the taking assume the form of a ritual action, there have arisen a number of acceptable forms that this may assume.  The common quality is that the damsel must be bound and the binding accomplished as quickly as possible.  There is no place in the capture ritual for the elaborate bondage so essential in imperilment.  It is sufficient that the wrists be confined, for as it is written in the Book of Chermosh, "Speed be of the essentialness of all essentialness and much rope taketh much time."

The formal rite begins with the damsel and the Villain at some distance from each other.  The Villain must approach the damsel from either the front or the rear, the Ordinances of Zortal expressly forbidding a sidelong approach.  The most common and therefore the most proper methods of capture are variants of what has come to be known as the Standard Arrest Ritual, which has been made famous by so many television cop shows and has come to be regarded by the traditionalists as the perfect technique.  It is accomplished as follows.

The Villain comes up to the damsel and announces that she is his prisoner.  This method has gone out of favor and now the Villain will find some excuse to engage the damsel in conversation before the capture.  In any event, once the capture is announced, the damsel is bound and taken away in one of the approved methods.  The binding used is normally handcuffs, but a short strap or thumbcuffs may be used, for which method see The Book of the Capture of Billie Sue Rock, which is considered by all authorities to be the standard source on the fundamentals of this technique.  In desperate situations, cord may be used, but only as a last resort.

As to the rituals themselves, the are as follows:

1.  If a wall is convenient, the damsel may be spread out against it facing it.  Her hands are then cuffed behind her back by taking the left hand from the wall and bringing it behind her first, locking the wrist, and then bringing the right hand back to be locked.  If a strap is used, both wrists are brought back simultaneously to be bound.

2.  If no wall is handy, and you are not likely to be carrying one around with you, The damsel may be stretched out on her stomach on the ground, provided she is wearing nothing expensive, and her wrists bound the same way as if facing a wall.

3.  If neither of the above is appropriate to the situation, the damsel may be simply handcuffed and led away.  In this method, the hands may be confined in front of her.

In the capture techniques, there is also the question of whether or not to use a gag or a blindfold, or whether the damsel should merely be bound.  This, of course, depends upon your situation.  You would not wish to gag a damsel in a crowded store, but in a vehicle, it may become necessary.  Also, while a blindfold is not necessary, as the damsel is not supposed to be coming back, it may prove useful.  You must learn to use your own evil judgement in these matters.

There is also the argument which rages over the comfort of the damsel.  The anti-traditionalists contend that this is a matter of no consequence, as what discomforts that may attend upon her capture are nothing compared to the discomfort involved in a successful distressing.  While the argument has merit, there is something about it which seems improper.  Villains, are, after all, not thugs and we should give some consideration to our victims.

THE FIVE PARTS

 OF CAPTIVITY

I.  The Capture.  This is covered in detail under the appropriate section in the Manual of Style.

II.  Transportation to the hideout.  This takes place immediately after the capture.  For that reason, the Damsel is not usually bound in any complicated manner, but is usually blindfolded and sometimes gagged.

III.  Storage.  At the hideout, or any other location, the Villain prepares for the imperilment of the Damsel.  The imperilment may take place at the same location or she may prepared to be taken to the place of imperilment.

IV.  Transportation to the Imperilment Site.  The Damsel is usually tied in a more complicated manner and always blindfolded.  A gag is sometimes used depending upon the situation.

V.  Imperilment.  The Damsel is bound in the appropriate manner and any equipment necessary is set by the Villain, who then leaves her to her fate.

THE

CLASSICAL

 IMPERILMENTS

RAILROAD TRACKS

The role of the Villain requires that certain set and established forms, sanctified by the passage of generations of evildoers, be followed when distressing the damsel.  When you tie her to the railroad tracks, you are making yourself part of grandest tradition of Villainy and thus it is necessary that you do it correctly.  There is only one proper and correct way to attach the damsel to the railroad tracks and you must study the manual of style well to learn it.  There are also a number of seriously wrong ways to do this and even a British method which is worst of all.

The correct position is as follows:  The damsel is bound with her arms at her sides and her legs together so that her body will form a straight line.  She is then laid across the tracks so that her head will rest on one rail and her feet will rest on or point to the other, depending upon how long she is and the gauge of the trackage.  In the execution of the position, it is never possible to use too much rope.  This is the only correct method of binding the damsel for this form of imperilment.  It is never, but never, proper to bind the hands together, either in front of her or behind her back.  Likewise, you must only use rope.  Chains, fishing line or any other material must never be used, as they look very uncreative, to say nothing of foolish.

Above all else, you must be very careful to avoid the British Heresy, so often condemned by the Board of Villainy as being the least desirable of any technique.  While this dreadful method has a certain visual attractiveness, it is totally inappropriate for the railroad imperilment.  It seems at times that the poor crumpet bakers were so shocked by the mislaying of their empire that in the process they managed to lose sight of the True Path of Darkness and at the same time totally forget the proper way to tie the damsel to the railroad tracks.

The foolish Britishers tie their damsel across the tracks, but in a cruciform pattern, so that the head rests on one rail and the arms are stretched out on either side and fastened down at the wrists.  The ankles are tied together at the other rail.  Aesthetics aside, there is an obvious disadvantage in this position in the fact that damsel cannot be bound until she is in position and with a train coming, every second counts.  In the correct tie, her arms may be confined well in advance and it is only necessary to tie her legs at the site.

In addition to the method of binding, the rules of Yorgo the Atrocious state that the damsel should be clad in a specific costume.  Thus costume should consist of a long, archaic dress, but in certain emergency cases the rules may be set aside in this manner.  It is also never proper to gag or blindfold the damsel once she is on the tracks, for she must be able to see the train coming and scream for help.

When binding her, remember that it must be done correctly from the very beginning, for as any child who has ever distressed a baby sitter knows, it is difficult to tie her arms at her sides and have the rope stay in place.  There is nothing more embarrassing for a Villain to tie a damsel into a pleasing package and then have her loose in a manner of seconds.  Something like that can cause hypertension.

When selecting the spot on the tracks themselves, it is a good idea to use a length of trackage that is far from the yards, so that the train will be traveling at a great speed.  It is also good to choose a spot near a turn so that the engineer will not have time to stop.

While you may stay a while to gloat, it is good form to leave before the train arrives, not only for the sake of avoiding detection, but also because the end of the pleasant exercise can be quite messy and Villains are notorious for their well fed and slightly delicate stomachs.

BURNING AT THE STAKE

This is an imperilment that has truly been blessed with antiquity, being as old as the discovery that fire could cook people as well as dinner which was often one and the same thing in those days and still is in certain far off and uncivilized areas of the world.  It has remained popular ever since.

You begin this happy exercise in arson by tying the damsel to the stake in accordance with the Rules of Yorgu as set down in the Manual of Style.

Once she is bound, the actual burning takes a little work to get right.  In most theatrical presentations, the damsel is seen standing upon a pile of kindling.  In point of fact, this is not the way to do it at all.  The wood is to be piled up around her at least to the level of her waist.  That is the usual method.  The Scots, for example, always short of dry wood and trousers, would set the victim in a barrel of pitch and light that, but this method is generally disapproved of because it is messy (you can't touch pitch and not get your hands dirty), burns too fast and in general spoils the fun.  On the other hand, the savage American Aborigines overdid matters.  They would strip the damsel stark naked and, making hundreds of pine slivers, use her for a human dart board first, then set fire to the slivers and the kindling.  At times, a stake was not available and a ladder, of all things, was used to bind the victim to.  In this case, the victim was either tied and kindling piled as in the normal stake procedure, or a large fire was created and the victim tied to a ladder off to one side, which was then dumped into the fire, victim and all.

To be done in properly, the damsel, having been bound and covered with wood, is left and fire started by a time mechanism which can be simple as a candle in a can of kerosene.

DYNAMITE

A most excellent and honorable means of imperilment is that of blowing up the damsel so that she is almost miraculously transformed from a living, breathing female into little bits of human flesh, flying in the air like a snow storm.  The notorious Regulations of Orvin even went so far as to call this the original Big Bang, but Orvin was always noted for his lack of reverence.

The most striking difference between the other traditional imperilments, such as tying to the railroad tracks and burning at the stake, is that there is no fixed rule of procedure.  The only requirements, according to the Ordinances of Remy are that the damsel be well secured and that the timer or fuse of the explosive device be prominently displayed.  For suggestions on methods of binding, see the Manual of Style.

While this imperilment can be performed outdoors, it is considered best to work inside, preferably in an old building belonging to some unsuspecting senior citizen, though caves and old mine shafts have also been used.

As the title of this section suggests, the preferred explosive is dynamite, though any suitable blasting substance will do.  Gunpowder has been used to evil result, but you must place the damsel on the barrel itself for it to be effective.  Nitroglycerin is decidedly not recommended as it is too dangerous to work with and a nuclear warhead, while fun to play with, may be overdoing matters just a bit.

There has been one recent development in this imperilment which is of note and comes to us from our sheeted brethren in the Middle East, that being a variant on the truck bomb.  In order to do this, the damsel is secured in the back of the truck along with the explosives and sent up with the outside target.  For details on this new technique, you should look at the article in the Jan. 1986 Monthly Wickedness entitled "The Damsels of Allah", by Mahmud Al-Fazool.

SAWMILL

This enjoyable distressing method is now in serious danger of becoming extinct as sawmills are becoming few and far between, what with wood being replaced by plastic, or worse, by cardboard.  You should not despair, however, for if it becomes necessary, you can build a good facsimile using a power saw and conveyor belt, which, after all, is all a sawmill really is.  For the details of construction, you should refer to Evil Made Easy by Douglas Turnscrew.

For the proper binding technique, consult the Manual of Style.  It is important to use the proper materials, however.

First, you must tie the damsel with rope.  Never use chains because they can wreck a saw blade faster than your assistant can stop the equipment.  Leather straps have been used, but never seem to come in the right lengths, are a bit expensive and can gum up the machine.

When tying the damsel down, she must be on her back with her head pointing to the blade.  I know this cuts down on the fun, but w do not want her legs freed before the blade gets to her body.  It is not proper to use the Connie Mortensen Tie.

One final note, the Villain should never stay around to watch after the device is turned on as the end result of this imperilment is as messy as the railroad tracks.

FEEDING THE DAMSEL

TO THE ANTS

No this has nothing to do with feeding your hungry relatives, unless they happen to be blessed with six legs.  Staking the damsel out over an anthill is a very unpleasant technique and is usually reserved for a particularly annoying damsel.  Its origins are said to date from just after the sinking of Atlantis, but as our only source, The Book Baglu, does not mention it, we are forced to assume that such belief is the barest of conjectures.

The principle behind this mode of imperilment is based on the well-known behavior of ants at a picnic.  And it is really very simple to accomplish.

The Damsel, wearing a minimum of clothing, is staked out over a convenient anthill, in accordance with the Manual of Style.  A little sugar is spread over her and the ants, sensing that luncheon has been served, will come charging forth with little napkins hanging beneath their little chins.  I did say it was unpleasant.

It is also permissible, even admirable, to use this basic tie with only the very hot sun to do in the damsel, especially if you are in the middle of the desert.  In fact this is probably the only thing having a desert around is good for.  An excellent account of this technique is to be found in the memoirs of Abdul Ben Sufad the Thoroughly Dreadful.  This valuable work has become somewhat rare of late, so you may want your henchmen to steal you a copy, preferably the 1887 illustrated edition which has very nice leather binding and gold lettering.

A little reminder.  Once the damsel is staked out, other things may come to mind.  Control yourself!  The ants do not care whom they nibble on.

DROWNING

Occasionally, it becomes necessary, for various reasons, to eliminate the damsel by the use of a surfeit of water.  If you are going to use subaqueation, you should be aware that there is a danger of acting too quickly and thus spoiling the full enjoyment of the imperilment.  An incident comes to mind immediately that occurred a few years ago when a villain noticed that the particular damsel had the habit of swimming in rather deep water.  He procured a midget submarine and some scuba gear and when the damsel was having her swim, came up under her and shackled a two ton rock to her ankles.  It worked, of course, but the creativity of the scheme somewhat failed to offset the rapidity of the results.

There are two basic methods of drowning.  One may either dump the damsel into the water or let the water cover her.

The methods of binding are covered in full in the manual of style.  You must remember, if a damsel is going to be dumped into the water, it is best to use a small weight, not enough to drown her quickly, but just enough so that her end is inevitable.  In that way, you can have the joy of watching her struggle, unlike our over anxious colleague.

My personal preference, however, is to put her into a dry tank and fill it, letting the water cover her, inch by inch.

MANUAL

OF

STYLE

BONDAGE TECHNIQUES

Having captured the damsel, in accord with the methods set down in that section, the next matter to consider is that of her transportation.  It my be necessary to blindfold and/or gag her and this must considered in advance.  If either of these is decided upon, see the appropriate comments on technique.  But once the damsel is at the hideout and awaiting imperilment, there is the matter of storage to be considered.  Following this, there is the transportation to the site of the imperilment and finally the imperilment itself.  All of these stages require certain types of tie.  A tie that may be appropriate for storage may be totally improper for the imperilment chosen.

Without question, style of any sort is a branch of esthetics and it is to that subject which we appeal when we wish to decide upon the proper tie for the damsel.  After all, it is not merely sufficient that she be secured.  Any common miscreant can do that.  She must look nice as well as helpless and the more creatively this can be done the better.  Never forget that the process of tying changes the appearance of the damsel and, to a certain degree shapes not only her body, but the way she reacts to her environment. Therefore you must take the following facts into consideration before binding her.

a. When her wrists are tied behind her back, the damsel will tend to lean forward while walking.  If she compensates for this by pulling her spine straight, her shoulders will pull back.

b. If the damsel's wrists are tied palm-to-palm in front of her, the hands will be pushed away from the body and the elbows will tend to pull towards each other.

c. The converse of the above is true if hands are tied palm-to-palm behind the back.  In this case the elbows will be pushed apart.

d. If the wrists are crossed in front of damsel, the elbows  will be pushed apart and the hands will lay flat.

e. If the hands of the damsel are tied over her head, the positioning of the hands determines the stance. If the hands are tied palm-to-palm, her back will be forced into an arch and the face will turn up, while if the wrists are crossed, the spine will not curve.

f. It is considered highly improper to suspend the damsel by her wrists tied behind her back.  It can damage the shoulder muscles and is very painful.

g. If you are using a single strap to tie the wrists, as in an capture, the hands should be tied palm-to-palm if in front and crossed if behind her back.  If the hands are behind her back, the strap should be placed vertically over the wrists rather than horizontally.  You must never, ever, under any circumstances, combine straps with rope.

h. If you are going to tie her ankles as well, you should try to use a single strap.  There are those who will use two straps for the ankles, one strap across the ankles themselves and then a shorter one in between the ankles over the first strap, but this arrangement is nowhere nearly as attractive as a single strap and provides little extra security.  It is better to use cloth straps rather than leather, because the holes in a leather strap are never spaced properly, leaving the tie too tight or too loose.  If you are going to use leather straps, it is best to use ones with the holes no more than a half-inch apart or the type with locking hasps.

i.  Remember that if the Damsel is both blindfolded and gagged, she will not be able to communicate.  That means that if she is tied in a stationary manner, such as to a chair or tree, she will, in effect, be more a piece of sculpture than a person.  You must, therefore, take care to consider her role before doing both.

TRANSPORTATION

Transporting the damsel can present certain problems.  These result from the fact there are always those annoying busybodies to whom the sight of a tied female is a cause for concern.  The transportation tie, must, therefore, be put together in such a way as to remove suspicion of wrongdoing, making the situation theatrical rather than threatening.

For most transportation work, the 1/2 r-r tie is probably the best method available.  Based on the standard Railroad Track Tie, (see below), it is, by its very complexity, a guard against interference.

As good as the r-r tie is, however, it has certain limitations, one of which being the amount of rope you have to use and work involved in putting it together.  If you wish the same degree of complexity, but also want the damsel's wrists behind her back, the Japanese Tie is an excellent method to use.  The shoulders and elbows are tied in the same manner as the 1/2 r-r tie, but only two turns are made at the elbows.  This will leave a length of cord hanging behind the damsel at the center of her back.  The damsel's wrists are then tied behind her with this cord.  If any remains, that rope is pulled up to the elbow or shoulder rope and knotted behind her, thus pulling the wrists into the small of her back.

If you are distressing a very flexible damsel, the back-prayer can be quite attractive.  The hands are brought up behind the back so that her palms are together and her fingers pointing up towards the shoulder blades.  Her wrists are then tied in position and held there by a cord around the wrists, body and upper arms.  If you wish, you may tie the thumbs with a narrow cord.

If you wish your victims hands in front of her, tie your victim's hands palm-to-palm in front of her.  Run a longer cord under her elbows behind her back and pull the ends across at the middle of her back, tying it there.  Bring the ends around her front and back again to tie in back.

A traditional method of tying the Damsel has a drilled or notched stick is placed behind her back and her arms are brought forward under the stick.  The wrists are lifted and tied in front of her.  The arms, near the elbows are fastened to the stick.

If you wish to restrain the wrists of the Damsel behind her back but with some greater security than merely binding her hands and the Japanese Tie is just a bit too much work, tie the hands of the victim behind her back in a parallel tie, with the cord vertical over the wrists and cinched in between them.  Tie a long rope around her waist and knot it in back, with some rope left over.  Tie this rope around her wrists to hold them at her waist.

The wrists may be bound far behind the back of the Damsel for a visual effect by attaching them to the opposite elbows. First determine if the wrists of the victim can be made to reach the arms above the opposite elbows behind her back.  If the victim is fat, this may not be possible.  Once you have done this, bring the right wrist over the left elbow and tie it in place.  Repeat the procedure with the left wrist and right elbow.

If you are going to use any metal ties, the appearance factor must again be considered.  When using handcuffs it is a good idea to add something to them.  They can be locked to a chain or belt at the waist.  If her wrists are locked in front of her, the waist chain can be combined with a chain going up to and around the neck.  This will prevent the hands from being lowered as the chain at the waist prevents them from being raised.  You must not use this method if her hands are locked behind her back, however, as in that case the tension of the chain would be on the front of her neck and possibly choke her.

Wrist shackles look very nice, much nicer than handcuffs.  they can be connected to any length of chain, though a chain longer than one foot would defeat the purpose of the tie.  It is also possible to use locking leather cuffs instead of metal wrist shackles with a chain in between them.  The type with a simple hasp coming through holes in the leather are best because they are both simple and cheap.

Thumbcuffs have a subtlety of appearance which belies their effectiveness.  They are usually used with the damsel's hands in front of her.  You should be aware that the compres-sion on her thumbs can be severe, so use some caution.   Like-wise, it is best to only use the thumbcuffs with the wrists tied palm to palm.  This will prevent her from accidentally pulling on her thumbs and injuring herself.

The Siberian Chain is a very good device for close confinement of the wrists.  Seen from a distance it can look like jewelry.  It may also be combined with the thumbcuffs.  When put on it is best to have the wrists crossed.  In that way, the binding is less obvious than if the hands are bound palm to palm.

To get back to rope, if you do not want to go to the trouble of the 1/2 r-r, or the Japanese ties, and the back prayer is not possible, despair not.  There are a number of other confinement procedures which can be used to evil effect.

In the double hammer-lock, both arms are tied to the opposite shoulder so that both wrists are pulled up.  For the details on how to accomplish this, look down to the one arm behind the back tie in the storage section.  Once you have the wrists bound, tie another rope where the arms meet, if possible.

It is not always necessary to tie the wrists of the damsel.  the thumbs can substitute quite nicely.  They can be tied either in front of her or behind her back, but the Villain must practice this technique in order to gain the proper degree of security.  Use thin cord, such as heavy twine or boot-laces.

The elbows can also be tied effectively.  Tie a long rope around them behind the damsel's back and cinch it well to keep it from falling.  This will limit the movements of her arms to a little bit forward.  If the wrists are tied in front of her, pinioning the elbows will pull the wrists into the stomach.

The straight-jacket tie is quite simple.  With the damsel standing, cross her arms in front of her and tie the elbows together.  Now tie a cord to one wrist and bring it around her back to the other wrist, tying it there  securely.  This can also be done with the damsel's arms behind her back.  In that case, you would tie her wrists first and then secure her elbows.

There may be times when you might wish that the damsel were put together differently.  The most serious difficulties arise when the damsel is on the large size and has a short arm-to-torso ration.  When that is the case, it is sometimes impossible to use the type of tie you would prefer, such as in the case of the unfortunate imperilment of Sue Hartlein.  In that instance, which every aspiring Villain learns of at his father's knee, the damsel was quite round and her distressers, a band of young and inexperienced Villainesses, had planned to tie her hands behind her back.  There proved to be a serious difficulty with this scheme, however, when they discovered that their victim was so constructed that her wrists would not reach together behind her.

STORAGE

When you are at your hideout, you will naturally want the damsel to stay put.  If you are out of doors, you can always attach her to the nearest tree.  The Burning At the Stake Tie is excellent for this, but if you do not wish to go to that much trouble, it is permitted to simply tie the damsel with her wrists around it.  If she is facing the tree, it is sufficient to tie only her wrists, but if her back is against the tree, you must tie her ankles as well.  For further details, The Capture of Karen Wade is considered the standard source and a copy may be obtained by writing the Villain's Institute, 835 Benedict Arnold Dr., Washington D.C., 10017.

If you do have a tree or post handy, you may tie the Damsel on her knees with her back to it.  Help your victim to kneel with her back pressed up against the post.  Tie her wrist together behind the post and bring her ankles together behind it.  Cross her ankles and tie them.

If you are inside, it is unlikely that a tree will be available except at Christmas and you would not tie her to an evergreen anyway.  Therefore, you will probably be forced to tie her to a chair.  According to the ancient Rules of Orzbad the Horrible, you must never tie her hands behind her back before putting her into the chair, but you may tie them in front of her.  If the chair has arms so made that the ropes can pass through them, you must tie her wrists there.  If there are no arms, you should, if possible, tie her wrists behind the chair.  The other cords holding the body to the chair will depend upon the design of the chair and cannot be discussed here.  The ankles must always be tied.

A word of caution.  The chair must always be stronger than the damsel.  If it is not, you may become a very embarrassed Villain.  For the details of what can go wrong, you should read the hilarious monograph, The Christine Majul Disaster.

On the subject of storage, every so often something strange will turn up on the archives of Villainy.  One such instance is an odd little work entitled The Tale of Connie Mortensen, which explains in detail the tie method which has come to be called by her name.  You use it with a bench, such as one would find with a picnic table.  The damsel is laid upon her stomach along the bench with her arms hanging down.  The wrists are crossed and tied under the bench.  Then the ankles are tied and roped to the bench.  More rope is added at the waist and knees and then rope is tied to the ankles and led under the bench to the wrists, and there it is tied in such a manner as to pull the arms back slightly.  According to the Tale, it is strongly recommended that the damsel be barefoot for this tie , though as the toes are not tied, the reason for this injunction is not clear.

If no props are available, you can put the damsel into the full R-R tie, but she will have to lay down on her back after it is finished.  If that is too much trouble, the standard hogtie will work quite well.

Lay the damsel on her stomach and tie her wrists behind her back.  Tie her ankles together and bend her knees so that her feet come towards the hands.  Then tie her wrists to her ankles.

If you have a barefoot damsel, and no bench is nearby, you may use the traditional English Witch Swimming Tie.  The damsel is seated on the ground with her legs crossed, or maybe her arms are crossed.  Anyway, the right thumb is tied to the left big toe and the left thumb to the right big toe.

It is also possible to tie her in the manner of a calf at a rodeo.  This is done by first tying her wrists in front of her and her feet together, then bending her forward to tie her wrists to her ankles.  This tie may be modified by bring the knees up between her arms and inserting a stick between the knees and the elbows, forcing her to sit in place.

There are times when you may want the Damsel to be able to perform certain simple actions but still be secured.  If that is the case, you may tie one arm behind her back with this method and leave the other one free to sign the papers. Choose which hand is to be bound and then tie one end of the cord around the wrist and pull that wrist up behind her back as far as possible.

Bring the cord around neck, to cross her body between the breasts.  Hook the cord under the elbow and return it the wrist, tying it in place.

IMPERILMENT

TIES

RAILROAD TRACKS

You must begin with the right equipment.  For her arms and upper body, you should have two lengths of rope, about 25 feet each and couple of equal length for her legs and ankles.

With the damsel standing, loop one cord around the upper body and shoulders above the breasts, knotting it in back.  Let the cord hang, then loop once around her arms at the elbows.  Bring the cord under the rope at the back and loop again in the opposite direction.  This will pull the elbows in tightly.  Loop the cord around the elbows as many times as you can and still end up in the back.  Knot the cord to the vertical rope in the center of the back.

Take the second rope and tie one end to the end of the first rope.  Now bring it down and loop it once around the wrists and body.  Take this cord under the back as you did at the elbows.  Loop around the wrists and body several times and cinch at one wrist, looping and knotting between the wrist and the body.  Bring the cord to the center of the back and make quick knot at the center rope.  Repeat the cinching at the other wrist.

If enough cord remains, pull it around her front and tie it to the first wrist.  If not, bring the remaining cord to center rope and tie it there.  Her arms and wrists are now secured to her sides in a firm, self-supporting arrangement.  This is called the half-railroad (1/2 r-r) tie.

Once you have tied her arms, you tie her legs with at least one long rope.  You begin by knotting the end of the rope to the wrist cord at the back and winding it at the thighs, knees and ankles, looping and knotting it as you did at her elbows to prevent slippage.

When she is laid on the tracks, the damsel is fastened in place by two short cords, one tying her down at the ankles and one over her throat.  You must be very careful when you fastens the throat cord as you do not wish her to choke before the train arrives.

BURNING AT THE STAKE

The damsel must be tied with her back to the stake.  Her wrists are tied behind the post and then her ankles are tied together.  Having done this, take a long rope or chain and hang it from behind the stake over her shoulders passing in front, so that the lengths are equal when they are allowed to hang free.  Bring these so that they cross between the breasts and then down so that they meet behind the stake.  Knot them in back and decide if they are long enough to finish with.  If they are, bring them down and around so that they cross at the knees and then back to meet behind the stake again at the base.  Knot again and loop the remaining rope around the stake and her ankles, tying the ends.

If a second rope is required, the first being too short, loop the first rope around the waist of the victim, tying it in back.  Take the second rope and tie it also at the waist of the victim with the ends hanging in back.  Now tie this rope around the legs and ankles of the victim, as previously described.

If, however, a ladder is being used in this imperilment, you tie her to it on her back, with ropes holding her down at her shoulders, waist, knees and ankles.  You will use separate lengths of rope for each of these, tying around the victim and then to the ladder itself.  Her ankles must be bound together and then tied to the rung she will stand on when the ladder is raised.

The hands of the damsel may be bound in several ways.  Her arms may be stretched out and her wrists tied to the ladder over her head, the hands may be tied palm to palm in front of her and her arms tied to her sides at the elbows and then to the ladder, or her arms may be tied back around the ladder and her wrists bound behind it.

A variant of this tie can be used for transportation work.  The rope is doubled and the bend placed behind her neck.  The two ends are brought over her shoulders and crossed in the same way so that they meet behind her back.  They are knotted there and brought around her waist and to the back again where they are used to tie her hands behind her back.

DYNAMITE

As this imperilment usually takes place indoors, the damsel is usually tied to a chair, as in storage.  She may, if gunpowder is being used, be tied to the barrel of the explosive itself and this requires some doing, as barrels are not really designed to have damsels tied to them.

Make the damsel kneel facing the barrel and tie her wrists behind her back.  Tie her ankles together and then run a long rope around her body and the barrel at least twice.  Run another long rope around her legs, as near the knees as possible and the barrel.

SAWMILL

Tying the damsel to the sawmill is an art that is almost lost.  Essentially, she is tied and then laid on the sawmill conveyor belt.  Begin by tying her wrists crossed in front of her.  Now tie her shoulders and elbows as in the Railroad Track Tie.  A couple of more cords at the thighs and ankles should finish the job.

ANTS

The Ant Feeding Tie is nothing more than a simple version of staking the damsel out on the ground between four stakes.  You will need four tent stakes, four short lengths of rope and one damsel.  The stakes are placed firmly in the ground and the damsel tied spread-eagled between them.  For that reason, it is a good idea measure her first so the stakes are the proper distance from each other.

There are those Villains who prefer to tie the damsel's ankles together and attach them to one stake.  While this is technically acceptable, it has unfortunate religious implications for some.

You may vary this technique by tying the thumbs and big toes of the damsel to the stake instead of her wrists and ankles.

DROWNING

When Tying the damsel prior to drowning her, you should decide first how she is to be subaqueated.  If she is going to be dumped into the water, her hands and feet must be tied, her wrists behind her back and her ankles together.  The weight is usually attached to her ankles.  If she is going to walk the plank, only her hands are tied and the weight is attached to her waist.

If she is going to covered slowly by water rising in a tank, she should be tied to a ring in the floor of the tank, usually by her ankles.  In this case, it is considered proper to chain her ankles to the ring and handcuff her.  In fact, the handcuffs may seem superfluous, but it is a rule that the ankles are never tied without the wrists being tied as well.

GAGGING

There are, sad to say, times when we have the dreadful misfortune of finding ourselves with a noisy damsel, or worse, one in the habit of complaining about everything.  Either the ropes are too tight, or the tracks are too cold, or something.  Shameful as it is to say, there are even those damsels who are so ingratious as to cry for assistance!  It is not like the good, old days when a damsel considered it an honor to be distressed.

When you are faced with this problem, there is no point in trying to reason with her, for damsels, by virtue of their being of the Light, are incapable of responding to rational argument.  No, you have no choice but to silence her in as effective a manner without compromising your mission.  This is an important matter and your henchmen should be well trained in the art and does not hurt for you to supervise them as well.

When gagging a damsel, it is necessary that you avoid choking her.  This means that everything you put into her mouth should be positioned in such a way as to not get into her throat.  You should avoid any cloth that has loose strings as they can get into the windpipe with disastrous results.

The one form of gag that must be avoided is the old movie routine of tying a cloth over her mouth.  This will silence her for a total of three seconds.

A very effective gag can be made by threading a strap through a small rubber ball.  This will effectively silence any damsel, but there are two drawbacks with this type of gag.  The ball must fit properly!  If it is too large, it will not get in and your damsel will be chattering away in no time.  If it is too small, it will come out as fast as it went in.

The strap should be of cloth or rope for the same reason that we avoid leather ties.  The holes never fit right.

An even better silencer is made by attaching a sponge to a strap.  The sponge is dampened and forced into the damsel's mouth, filling it without any danger of choking her.  the strap is then tightened around the back of her neck.

You may also tape her mouth shut, in which case you should use duct tape rather than the more common adhesive tape.  The duct tape is more resistant to moisture and will not come loose as readily.  The tape may also be combined with a ball if the ball is the proper size.  In this case you will strap the ball in the damsel's mouth and then tape over it, completely covering the mouth.  Note.  If the damsel has a stuffed nose, never use the last method.

Another gagging method to avoid is the thick, wooden rod tied between her teeth.  This can be very bad for the teeth if it does not fit properly and if she should be rescued you would not want her to have large dental bills.

BLINDFOLDS

There will come a time in the course of Villainous events that will have you not wishing to have the damsel see where she is or where she is going.  When that time comes, a blindfold is in order.

Before we begin, there are two problems with blindfolding the damsel which must be avoided.  First you must be very careful not to pull the damsel's hair when blindfolding her.  This is considered very bad form and you should avoid all such indelicacy.

Second, you must never put a normal blindfold on over contact lenses.  This will cause the damsel significant and unnecessary discomfort.  It is considered proper to as if she is wearing any first.  If she is wearing contact lenses, you may still render her sightless by the following method.  Procure a Ping-pong ball, available from your local Chinaman.  Split this ball down the seam so that you have two, perfect, half-spheres.  Place each half over one eye and tape them both into place.

For any other damsel, you may blindfold her by the usual means of tying a cloth over the eyes.  Your henchman should keep a bandanna in his pocket for just such a purpose at all times.  If you wish something fancier (and what Villain does not) you may wrap an Ace bandage over her eyes.  This is a very effective method and is highly recommended by all authorities.  It is also something of a favorite with Spanish soap opera directors, who usually have some damsel with eye trouble.

For transportation, you may blindfold the damsel by taping gauze pads over each eye.  This will keep them closed and make her look as if she has suffered an accident.  A pair of large sunglasses over this arrangement can be a good idea as well.

Sleeping masks work very well, but you should avoid the leather models sold in adult toy stores.  They look awful and often do not work very well.

A final arrangement, if you have the time, is to use a pair of welder's goggles painted black.  These can also be used over contact lenses and it is a good idea to keep a pair in your supply cabinet.  Aethelwold the Horrible always made it his custom to carry a pair around with him.  Unfortunately he was never very good at hiding them and the local damsels, being thus forewarned, became much harder to find.  In fact, it is said that you could always tell if Aethelwold was in the area because all the damsels would be running from the direction he was at.  Aethelwold compensated for this problem by equipping his henchmen with large nets and what are now known as skate-boards, and, while this arrangement allowed him to distress his monthly quota (a hideous custom, now happily discarded) he managed to look rather silly in the process.

If the Damsel is going to be blindfolded for any significant length of time, it may be best to use a hood.  This can be nothing more than a dark bag of cloth or paper which is placed over the head.  A pillow case will work quite well.  The most important thing to remember about using a hood is that you must not obstruct her breathing and you must be aware that a hood can cause a claustrophobic reaction in some victims where an ordinary blindfold will not.

VILLAIN STUFF

Allowyn's Necklace:  A strangling device which tightens a chain around the neck with each breath.

 

Anlace:  A long, wide-bladed dagger used as a sword substitute in Renaissance Italy.  A favorite assassination weapon of the period.

 

Brank:  Sometimes called the "Scold's Bridle", the brank was a common method of punishing noisy women in the colonial period.  It consists of a metal frame with a gag attached which is locked over the head of the victim.

 

Choking Pear:  A gagging instrument used when burning witches.  It is a pear-shaped metal tool that is inserted in the mouth of the victim and then screwed open, forcing the jaws apart.  It is usually too extreme to be used in ordinary villainy.

 

Command Unit:  a; The headquarters staff of the Villain which transmits his directions to the henchstaff.  b; A mobile unit from which the Villain directs the activities of the henchstaff.

 

Dacoit:  Burmese criminal, a henchman usually used by Dr. Fu Manchu (peace be upon him).

 

Ducking Stool:  A device for cooling the overheated.  It consists usually of a chair attached to a pulley or lever over a pool.  The victim is strapped into the chair and dunked in the water.  Sometimes the device is in the form of a teeter-totter, in the which case the victim is strapped down along the plank, head towards the water.

 

Finger Pillory:  An ornate piece of furniture used to punish erring servants and school-girls in 18th-19th century England.  The fingers of the culprit were locked into the instrument and the victim was then simply forgotten for a while.

 

Halifax Gibbet:  An early Guillotine.

 

Human Battery Power Unit (HBPU):  A device for hooking the energy field of a victim into the Psionic discombobulator for increased power.  A painful device, its use is sometimes, though not always, fatal.

 

Hypnoglobe:  A light globe which causes the victim to rendered more suggestible.

 

Inorcism:  The act of casting a demon into a person, usually by the means of the Psionic Discombobulator.

Nine Masters of the Night:  A semi-mythical group of High Villains whose task is to create chaos in all societies.

 

Nuclear Intensifier:  A device consisting of an Orgone Box and a small amount of radioactive material.  The action of the box intensifies the effect of the material so that it is possible to give an entire city radiation poisoning without the actual source of the radiation being detected.

 

Malayan Deadfall:  A tree trunk held over a trail by a trip mechanism.  When the device is tripped, the tree falls crushing whatever it lands on.

 

Psionic Amplifying Helmet:  A helmet designed to amplify and direct the psychic energy emanating from the wearer.  It is an essential component of the Psionic Discombobulator, though it may also be used independently.

 

Psionic Discombobulator: a psionic weapon which can either place suggestions in the mind of the target or disrupt events around the target.  It may be used on individuals, groups, buildings or geographic areas.

 

Punjab Lasso:  A strangling cord, usually made of soft rope or cloth favored by the Thugs.  It is used in the manner of the garotte.

 

Revolutionary:  A psionic device which causes the body of the victim to turn against the person himself, thus causing a slow and extremely unpleasant death by gradual suicide.

 

Siberian Chain:  A short chain with two rings, one at one end of the chain and the other a short distance from the first.  It was originally used, not in Siberia, but rather in Germany before handcuffs.  It is now commonly found as part of magic acts because it can be put on in a way as to be escapable in a matter of seconds.  Used properly, it is very difficult for the victim to escape from.

 

Sinister Men in Black:  Agents of the Nine Masters whose task is harass those who become to interested in UFOs, thus casting suspicion on legitimate researchers.

 

Tepaphone:  A psionic device for transmitting the concentration of the fire element to a target person or area, causing tremendous destructive potential.

 

Thumbcuffs:  A bondage device used to confine the thumbs of the victim.  It is normally used with the hands in front of the body and is commonly used in conjunction with the Siberian Chain.

 

Transmuter:  A psionic device which takes the emotions of a subject and changes them into raw, psychic energy which can then be transmitted by means of the psionic discombob-ulator.

Witch's Cradle:  A sensory deprivation and bondage device.  The victim is strapped into a swing and hooded.  Twenty minutes in the cradle will cause total disorientation.

 

Z-Ray:  A variant of the Psionic Discombobulator designed to cause mass suicide.  Developed during the First World War by the Germans, it was, for some mysterious reason, never used.  For details on the concept, see The Terror, by Arthur Machen.

 

Zayat Kiss:  The bite of a poisonous oriental centipede.

CALENDAR

 

 OF

 

 VILLAINOUS

 

DAYS

JANUARY

    4: Bashi-Bazouk Day

   16: Ivan the Terrible crowned

   19: Edgar Allen Poe birthday

 

FEBRUARY

    7: Wanton Destruction Day

   11: Torquemada made Inquisitor

   14: Massacre Day

   19: Xotar Day (Feast of the Four Weapons)

   22: La Voisin Burned (famous French poisoner)

   25: Martian in the Iron Mask day

 

MARCH

    1: Mars Day (sacred to the god of war)

    8: Tar and Feather Day

   15: Ides of March

   16: Joseph Mengele birthday

 

APRIL

    1: April Fool's day

   11: Founding of Atlantis

   15: Titanic sinking day

   20: Hitler birthday

   22: St. George's Eve

   26: Chernobyl Blew Top

   30: Walpurgis NIght

 

MAY

    3: Machiavelli birthday

    6: Sack of Rome, Hindenburg burns

   25: Evil Day

   27: Bismarck Sunk

   29: Fall of Constantiople

 

JUNE

    2: Marquis de Sade birthday

   25: Feast of St. Vlad the Impaler

   30: Tunguska Meteor Day

 

JULY

   18: Crusaders take Jerusalem

   25: Dr. Doom Day

   29: Rasputin birthday

   30: Feast of St. Conrad of Marburg (patron saint of bad        people)

 

AUGUST

     6: Bomb Day

   25: Feast of the Incarnation of the Antichrist

   27: Krakatoa

 

SEPTEMBER

    2: September Massacre Day

    9: Capt. Bligh birthday

   17: Feast of St. Peter of Arbues (famous inquisitor)

   25: Destroyer Day

 

OCTOBER

    1: Atilla the Hun birthday (traditional)

    8: Chicago Fire

   12: Crowleymas

   15: Nietzche birthday

   Sunday before Halloween: Black Sunday

   31: Halloween

 

NOVEMBER

    5: Guy Fawkes day

   25: Feast of St. Catherine (patron saint of executioners)

 

DECEMBER

    3: Bhopal Gassing Day

   15: Nero birthday

   28: Dead Innocents day