Summer Games for Smoking Ladies

WELCOME to the very first SGSL, Summer Games for Smoking Ladies! The sun is shining, it's almost too hot here at the Old Smoke Ring Stadium, and the air down there is already grey from cigarette smoke, believe it or not. I've never seen so many smoking women at the same time in my life. Fortunately for all of us in here, a wind make all the cigarette brand flags move at least a little every now and then.
As all our viewers probably already know, this sports event has already received plenty of criticism and the rumour says the security organization has spent more money than the Olympic Summer Games in Atlanta because of the anti-smoking organizations almost rabid attempts to stop the games. Even I was attacked by one of those fasci... sorry, PEOPLE I mean, when I was parking my car, but fortunately I had my smoking wife with me as my personal body guard and she formally emptied her lungs into the guy's face before crushing her cigarette butt out in his hair.

Anyway, let's forget about those negative happenings and go over to today's games. One thing that's more complicated than in "normal" competitions is the doping. Each and every participant has been checked - no medicines, drugs etc classed as doping are allowed, and two poor girls have been sent home already. But, what's different is the nicotine level - noone that's going to run, jump or whatever is allowed to go out there on the big, green lawn without having enough nicotine in the blood. No fakers, no party smokers that've never thought before of actually inhaling the smoke are accepted - I was one of the journalists allowed to visit the test room actually, and I saw more than ten beautiful young women chain smoking in panic because they were afraid the nicotine from their breakfast cigarettes would be gone already. The dark 400 metres runner, Dianne Wooners, coughed so much because of her hard smoking so it was hard for the doctors to do the blood-test on her. After the test, I asked her how she manages to run that hard with her smoker's cough.
- "I drink a lot just before the race, and I try to cough as much as I can before, to clean my lungs", she laughed. - "I know I can't beat Marlene Ottey and those others who are the nation's best runners, but I prefer my cigarettes while they prefer being on the top, simple, isn't it? They cry if they don't win, I get winded, I cough and wheeze after the race, then I light up and I'm happy again!"

What a girl, I say! Wish there were more like Dianne, and today there actually are. Enough about doping and all that stuff, because it's time for the very first contest in the very first smoking females games - and it's the famous 100 meters race. From the left to the right: The already mentioned, lovely, beautiful, Dianne Wooners, waving to the audience with her cigarette dangling from her lips. Next, Mary Shears, ha-ha-ha, did you see that? Mary's always been a funny one; instead of waving or something, she just sent out a triple nose exhale to say hello to her fans. Ana Ramirez removes a cigarette from her lips and coughs for a while, and the fifth runner is Donna Ryder-Cortez. Let's focus on Donna while they're warming up and finishing their cigarettes. Donna is just 17, but the official age limit for the Games is 21, however the managers decided to give out ONE, exactly one, wild card for which there would be no limits whatsoever, well except for that it must be a woman of course. Donna was known to be one of the fastest runners in her school's entire history, but the last six months, she has developed some lung problem and she has, at least in periods, had a chronical cough. She was told to quit smoking, but I've been told her depression because of her problems made her increase her smoking instead. Just two months ago, she was up to at least two packs per day, but the last three weeks she's managed to go down to less than one by filling her cute little mouth with North European wet "snuff" tobacco instead. I must say I prefer seing her exhale smoke from her sick lungs rather than watching her let that black junk drool from her lips. No, I'm exaggerating of course.

It's time to start - ready... steady... FALSE START on Shears. Ha-ha, these games are really different! As you saw, Mary's cute little coughing fit ended in a deep, almost violent hack that shook her little body and made her take a step, involuntarily, forward and over the white line! She now cups both her hands up over her nose and mouth and tries to clears her throat by coughing the hardest she can. "Ready"... Oh, Mary still keeps her hands over her nose and mouth, she can't stop her cough, can she? "Steady"... come on, give the girl a chance at least... "GO", they're starting the race with one girl totally unprepared. Fantastic, the poor Donna Ryder-Cortez, who I saw almost coughing her rattling lungs up at the hotel yesterday evening, is the leader. She's hardly expected to be able to compete at all, but she's... she's going to win... NO, even more fantastic, Mary Shears has come from behind, passing the others, you saw that she was still coughing when the race started, and... Shears is number one - what a finish. Little Donna is number two, and she looks terribly sad. Mary Shears has already put her arms around the little and, now, constantly coughing girl and they both cough in each other's arms. Actually, all the five are trying to catch their breath between the hacks now. Dianne Wooners is even trying to light herself a cigarette between the hacks, but it's almost impossible. I'm trying to get an interview with the winner, but there are lots of journalists everywhere now... there's Donna Ryder-Cortez, let's see if we can have a word with her. Hi Donna, I thought you were going to win actually, that would've been almost a miracle wouldn't it?
- Yes (wheezing cough)... yes, (she whispers), but I know Shears is stronger, but the others... they should (more wheezing cough) be stronger too.
Yes, I know, that's why I called it a miracle. I mean, if Shears' coughing fit in the beginning had lasted only a few seconds longer, you would have taken it! Your wheezing lungs and your chronical cough is actually a better team than what the other girls can come up with. Well, dear viewers, I guess we'd better leave Donna for a while now, she's coughing too badly to be able to talk. Here's Ana Ramirez. Ana, a girl with lung problems and everything, and to be honest, you never had a chance - what happened?
- Well, when I noticed she was that fast, I of course had to speed up but I immediately got too winded and my chest started to wheez. Last week, the effort started off a coughing fit for me, so I didn't have the guts today simply. She's worth it, you know, she needs it. You know, for a girl like her this can be her only race today, that effort might have been too much for her lungs. Just look at her, she's still coughing and her face is more blue than red now. It's a miracle if she's able to run 400 meters at two o'clock, and if she'll start, she hasn't got a chance then. That's not an opinion, it's a fact. Thanks.
Well, you heard her - and I believe her. At least I wouldn't disagree until she's left for the dressing room, I saw the fire in her eyes, and being beaten this way certainly had certain effects on her temper. According to the papers, she was last week accused of burning a man on a restaurant with her cigarette, so I'll better stay a few meters away from her now until she's calmed down, ha-ha-ha.

- SORRY? (The latin-american temper of the 20 years old, tall, dark and beautiful Ana Ramirez has waken up, since Ana heard every word).
- Oh, sorry, Ana, I was just kidding, he-he-he-he... please, Ana, what are you..."
The reporter tries to move away, but Ana is too fast, grabs his arm and blows her smoke in his face from very close. She drags on her cigarette, inhales but starts to hack and then coughs the smoke directly in his face before releasing his arm, turning around and leaving the place. The other journalists don't say a word, they just try to pretend like they aren't there.

WELL, he-he, that's what I call a woman! I hope my wife didn't see that, she might learn from it! Wow, what a girl. I've managed to get used to my own chain-smoking wife, but this was something new. Now, let's go to the pole vault because it's time for the first trial. Now, this is really a matter of concentration, and it's more smoky down there, outside, than in the local waterhome in my hometown. The girls are simply too nervous to be without a cigarette for more than 30 seconds in sequence, it seems like. I don't know if it's the nerves or the cigarettes or what, but the tall, blonde Marina McAuley is clearing her throat, coughing, clearing her throat, coughing all the time while preparing for her first jump. She tries to wait until it subsides, but I fear she'll run out of time soon. There, she goes and... she's going to manage - NO, what happened? I think... I think a new coughing fit made her lose her concentration up there so she touched the bar with her feet. I would so much like to get an interview with her before that coughing fit stops, but I have to get over to the start of the 10.000 meter race. If anyone of you out there thought you would find the least heavy smokers here, you're wrong. Martha Scott, who's taking her overall off now, is literally a chain-smoker from what I've heard, and these days she has to interrupt more than three races out of five because she gets too winded or starts to cough. Last week, she had to leave the tracks on the second last lap, she fell down on the grass and hid her mouth behind her hands and coughed until the other had finished the race. Her coach came to her assistance and tried to make her stand up already after a few seconds but she coughed so she had to sit down again. The coach then tried to lift her up and almost carry her back to the tracks and she took a few steps still with her hand over her mouth before stumbling and lying down again. They had to carry her back to the dressing room, because the running together with that coughing fit was too much for her, she was completely exhausted.
But today, here she is again, waving to her audience with her cigarette. She tries to talk to her neighbour, which is "Rattling Rebecca". After the race, I won't have to tell you where she got that nickname from, just listen. I said tried to talk because Rebby is busy with clearing her throat with a big handkerchief over her mouth. She's quite old compared to the rest, she'll be 37 this year, and she's known as a heavy smoker since at least ten years back. Sorry, I'm talking too much, the race has started. Just watch this, aren't they incredible? Rebecca starts the race still trying to clean her smoky chest in that handkerchief. There, she throws it away and one of the officials picks it up. I'm not sure because it's hard to see from here, but I think he puts it in his pocket, do you know why? I'll tell you. You probably know that some people can pay almost anything for clothes, shoes, underwear, anything that has been used by a pop star, or a famous actor or actress and so on. It's same with Rebecca Schumacher's handkerchiefs. She begins and ends almost every race with coughing in a handkerchief before throwing it away, and some people are almost crazy about the thought of having a handkerchief containing Rattling Rebecca's cough. She even got an offer from some smaller media producer to act in a video called "Rebecca Coughs for You" or something which she rejected for the moment, but asked them to contact her again later when she had thought about it. Ohhh, poor Martha Scott. She gets a coughing fit after the first lap, and she can't keep up the pace anymore, but she goes on at least. Over to the long jump meanwhile. I'll keep away from it a little, because the first contestant is my favourite again, Ana Ramirez. She doesn't look like a thunderstorm anymore and... hey, she's smiling at ME, giving me a sign to come over to her... wait a second, where's my gas mask? Don't tell me I left it at the hotel, I remember using it there during my little wife's morning cigarette. Just kidding, hope she didn't hear THAT...
- Sorry, Mr... (Ana looks at the reporter's badge) Turner, I wasn't in my best mood, I tried to keep my smoking down before that 100 meters race so I wasn't really myself, you know, but now I've basically been filling my lungs for 40 minutes without interruption, so... I'm the glad and kind Ana again, the tall, dark beauty smiles.
- No problem, Ana. Dear viewers, let's all wish Ana good luck. Ana, long jump has never really been your favourite, has it?
- No, it has never worked, but I've trained a lot and I hope my cigarettes will help to relax and concentrate.
I'd better let you go on with relaxing then so that nothing will disturb your concentration, thanks a lot. As we call can see, Ana closes her eyes behind me and cups her hands over her mouth and nose, breathing deeply. This is because Ana's heavy smoking makes her throat sensitive to the air, which maybe is a little too dry for her today. By letting her long, Hispanic nose inhale her smoky, humid breath that gathers in her hands, her throat will get a perfect mix of fresh air combined with her own, much more humid, exhaled air. It's a trick she learnt from her mother, from I've read. Whooo, what happened? There goes Ana's concentration I guess because just two meters from her feet, Martha Scott leaves the 10.000 meters race, falling down on the grass here just beside us, coughing with a sound more like it was one prolonged, never-ending wheezing. Ana looks upset and calls for a doctor, falls down on her knees to try to help the poor Scott, who's coughing so her lungs will break any second. Rattling Rebecca, who's leading the race so far interrupts it to help. Listen to her rattlings, by the way, dear viewers, just listen! Oh, she's fantastic - she asks Ana Ramirez for a cigarette, gets it, lights, takes a deep triple drag before continuing with the race, because the doctors are here to help Martha Scott, who's now being given oxygen. - Ana, how do you feel now?
- Terrible, Ana says sobbing, she sounded so... Oh, her lungs... Poor Martha, she couldn't breathe. Oh, I must calm down and concentrate, where's my cigarettes?

Let's have just a quick look at the pole vault before moving over to the finish of the 10.000 meters, where Rattling Rebecca has lost her position, and I doubt that she will be able to avoid being the last one after her interruption. Deanna Watson, you're the coach of at least three of the competing girls here in the pole vault, how are your girls doing today?
- Well, Christine is already out, she's very good but since she started to cut down on her smoking, her concentration is completely gone. The other two are going a bit better, but not good enough to get any medal.
So what are you going to tell Christine then? To go back to her smoking?
- Well, that's the fastest way for her to get back to her old capacity. She almost has to win her university summer games next month to get a scholarship she needs to be able to continue studying, so I think it's her only choice.
Thank you, Deanna Watson. Now, the 10.000 meter race is finished, and Catty McShane did it again. It's the second time this month that she wins the 10.000 meter, and, as last time, she celebrates her triumph by smoking a double directly after. Poor girl, she's completely exhausted, her face is dark red, but she's so happy. Her timing is perfect, did you see that? She drags on her cigarette, let her heavy breath inhale the smoke, immediately exhales again, time after time. She'll finish those two cigarettes in 30 seconds, I think. Rebecca, what happened? You were leading until Martha Scott's accident.
- Well, (Rebecca rattles before turning her head and coughing deeply), these days I usually don't last for more than three laps before my rattling cough stops me. Today, I held out much longer when I had a look backwards to see where the others were. Then I saw poor Martha fall down and instinctively I left the tracks to run over to her. I know how her cough sometimes almost kills her, and I just had to try to do something. I'm not called Rattling Rebecca for nothing, and I sure know how to spell "smoker's cough", but still I can't compete with Martha in that sport...

I think we'll go back to the pole vault and the long jump before it's time for the javelin. Of course, we'll also try to have a word with the doctors about Martha Scott. I hope she'll soon be back up here again. But what's happening now, no more collapses, I hope. No, it's Ana Ramirez again, she must have forgotten to smoke again, because her famous explosive temper is here again and she's arguing loudly with the referees at the long jump. Her dark, latin-american eyes are sending out flashes in all directions, she's throwing a water bottle after one of the officials trying to calm her down while mixing shouting and coughing at the referees. What's it all about? I think she's angry for losing her concentration after Martha Scott falling down at her feet and coughing her lungs up at her, but what's the poor referees got to do with that? Oh, what a temper she has, but she's beautiful when she has it, don't you think? She's now coughing too much to be able to shout but she manages to press some words out, but I don't understand enough much Spanish to tell what she's saying. Anyway, the words are probably unsuitable for TV anyway. Ana Ramirez, do you have time for a short interview, what's going on?

(The tall, explosive young woman approches me and the camera, coughing and coughing. Her eyes still looks like if they can break a diamond into two parts but when I talk to her, her anger disappears and she starts to cry)
- I'm telling them I need five minutes break, I'm still upset for what happened here with Martha Scott, but they just say I have to jump now, and I can't...
(Suddenly the young woman's long arms are around me, but then she grabs my arm and wants me to follow her down her private dressing room for an interview and that's hard to resist... I tell the camera guy to have a coffee break and switch off the microphone. Ana Ramirez takes a pack of cigarettes from her bag, still weeping, and starts smoking eagerly. She smokes and smokes and smokes, mixing it with lots of shorter coughing fits, before we do something I'm glad my wife can't see in the camera...)