ROSS: No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know, how should I know?
CHANDLER: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... (the others stare at him) Did I say that out loud?
CHANDLER: Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out.
ROSS: Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought the ticket.
CHANDLER: The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake.
RACHEL: Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone.
JOEY: (PAUSE)....Are we still talking about sex?
CHANDLER: Yeah, it's like when you're a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm.
ROSS: That's funny, that, no, because, uh, our parents actually did, uh, send our dog off to live on a farm.
MONICA: Uh, Ross.
ROSS: What? Wh- hello? The Millners' farm in Connecticut? The Millners, they had this unbelievable farm, they had horses, and, and rabbits that he could chase and it was- it w- .....Oh my God, Chi Chi!
JOEY: Hey, that woman's got an ass like Carol's! .......What? I thought we were trying to find stuff.
RACHEL: Come on, you guys can pee standing up.
CHANDLER: We can? All right, I'm trying that.
ROSS: He could never get a woman like that in a million years.
CHANDLER: Thank you, buddy.
PHOEBE: Oh, oh, but y'know, you always see these really beautiful women with these really nothing guys, you could be one of those guys.
CHANDLER: You know, on second thought, gum would be perfection. 'Gum would be perfection'? 'Gum would be perfection.' Could have said 'gum would be nice,' could have said 'I'll have a stick,' but no, no, no, no. For me, gum is perfection. I loathe myself.
CHANDLER: So you don't think I have a, a quality?
LOWELL: Speaking for my people, I'd have to say no. By the way, your friend Brian from Payroll, he is.
CHANDLER: He is?
LOWELL: Yup, and waaay out of your league. (Exits)
CHANDLER: Out of my league. I could get a Brian. (Brian enters behind him) If I wanted to get a Brian, I could get a Brian. (Sees him) Hey, Brian.
CHANDLER: And this from the cry-for-help department. Are you wearing makeup?
JOEY: Yes, I am. As of today, I am officially Joey Tribbiani, actor slash model.
CHANDLER: That's so funny, 'cause I was thinking you look more like Joey Tribbiani, man slash woman.
RACHEL: Pheebs, I can't believe he hasn't kissed you yet. I mean God, by my sixth date with Paolo, I mean he had already named both my breasts! ...Ooh. Did I just share too much?
ROSS [annoyed]: Just a little
RACHEL: Okay. Now this is just the first chapter, and I want your absolute honest opinion. Oh, oh, and on page two, he's not 'reaching for her heaving beasts'.
MONICA: What's a 'niffle'?
JOEY: You usually find them on the 'heaving beasts'.
RACHEL: Alright, alright, so I'm not a great typist...
ROSS: Wait, did you get to the part about his 'huge throbbing pens'? Tell ya, you don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those!
JOEY: Hey Ross, listen, you know that right now, your baby's only this big? (measures about 2 inches with his thumb and index finger) This is your baby. (in baby-like voice) Hi Daddy!
ROSS: (waves) Hello!
JOEY (in baby-like voice) How come you don't live with Mummy? (pause; shows Ross less than amused) How come Mummy lives with that other lady? (pause; Ross still looks less than amused; Joey smiling) What's a lesbian? (playfully hits Ross)
ROSS [to Monica]: Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good!
PHOEBE: All right. Now we need the semen of a righteous man.
RACHEL: Ok, Pheebs, you know what, if we had that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place.
CHANDLER[in his new office]: Well?
PHOEBE: Wow! It's huge! It's so much bigger than the cubicle. Oh, this is a cube.
CHANDLER: Look at this! (he opens the curtain to a view of New York City)
PHOEBE: Oh! You have a window!
CHANDLER: Yes indeedy! (they look outside) With a beautiful view of...
PHOEBE: Oh look! That guy's peeing!
ROSS: I don't know whether he's testing me, or just acting out, but my monkey is out of control. But, he keeps erasing the messages on my machine, supposedly by accident.
RACHEL: Oh, yeah, I've done that.
ROSS: And then, like three days in a row he got to the newspaper before I did and pee-ed all over the crossword.
RACHEL: I've never done that.
JOEY: I'm takin' Ursula tonight. It's her birthday.
ROSS: Whoa. What about Phoebe's birthday?
JOEY: When's that?
ROSS: Tonight.
JOEY: Oh, man. What're the odds of that happening?
CHANDLER: There it is [when Joey finally gets that twins have the same b-day].
RACHEL: Mmm-hmmm. Oh, so typical. Ooo, I'm a man. Ooo, I have a penis. Ooo, I have to win money to exert my power over women. (hands over her money)
MONICA: You know what? This is not over. We will play you again, and we will win, and you will lose, and you will beg, and we will laugh, and we will take every last dime you have, and you will hate yourselves forever.
RACHEL: Hmm. Kinda stepped on my point there, Mon.
ROSS: Well, I think it's perfect. Y'know, it's just gonna be the two of us, she spent all day taking care of my monkey...
CHANDLER: I can't remember the last time I got a girl to take care of my monkey.
ROSS: Anyway, I figured after work I'd go pick up a bottle of wine, go over there and, uh, try to woo her.
CHANDLER: Hey, y'know what you should do? You should take her back to the 1890's, when that phrase was last used.
JOEY: Will you grow up? I'm not talking about sexy stuff, but, like, when I'm cooking naked.
PHOEBE: You cook naked?
JOEY: Yeah, toast, oatmeal... nothing that spatters.
(A pause as they look at Chandler)
CHANDLER: What are you looking at me for? I didn't know that.
JOEY: Where've you been?
ROSS: At the vet.
CHANDLER: She's not gonna make you wear one of those big plastic cones, is she?
ROSS: She says Marcel's humping thing's not a phase. Apparently he's reached sexual maturity.
JOEY: (To Chandler) Hey! He beat ya.
[Ross walks in with an earring]
CHANDLER: You do know that band Wham broke?
[Ross tries talking about Emily]
JOEY: Whoa, don't be trying to talk normal with that thing in your ear.
[Ross is leaving]
CHANDLER: Make sure you wake me up before you go-go.
JOEY: So, tell me. Was it like you and Chandler, and then you and me, or you and me and Chandler?
RACHEL: He, he, he. You know what?
JOEY: What?
RACHEL: There were times when it wasn�t even me.
SUSAN: You get to be the baby's father. Everyone knows who you are. Who am I? There's Mother's Day, there's Father's Day, there's no... Lesbian Lover Day.
ROSS: Every day is Lesbian Lover Day.
PHOEBE: This is so great.
ROSS: You wanna explain that?
PHOEBE: I mean, well, 'cause when I was growing up, you know my dad left, and my mother died, and my stepfather went to jail, so I barely had enough pieces of parents to make one whole one. And here's this little baby who has like three whole parents who care about it so much that they're fighting over who gets to love it the most. And it's not even born yet. It's just, it's just the luckiest baby in the whole world. (pause) I'm sorry, you were fighting.
CHANDLER: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?
RACHEL: What did you just say?
CHANDLER: (panicked) ahem... um... Crystal duck.
RACHEL: No, no, no.... the, um, the... 'love' part?
CHANLER: (stuttering incoherently) F-hah.... flennin....
RACHEL: Oh.... my God.
CHANDLER: (rubbing his temples) Oh, no no no no no....
JOEY: (pats Chandler on the leg) That's good, just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time.
JOEY: That's how they do pants! First they go up one side, they move it over, they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear. What? Ross, Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how they measure pants?
ROSS: Yes, yes it is. In prison! Whatsa matter with you?
JOEY: What? That's not? Oh my god.
CHANDLER: Carol, Carol? I was just wondering if Joey could ask you a question about breast-feeding?
CAROL: Sure.
JOEY: Ok, I got one, I got one. If he blows into one, does the other one get bigger?
JOEY: I went out a couple of times with this girl, really hot, great kisser, but she had the biggest Adam's apple. It made me nuts.
CHANDLER: You or me?
ROSS: I got it. Uh, Joey, women don't have Adam's apples.
JOEY: You guys are messin' with me, right?
ALL: Yeah.
JOEY: That was a good one. For a second there, I was like, "whoa."
CHANDLER: C'mon, there's nothin' to see, it's just a tiny bump, it's totally useless.
RACHEL: Oh as, as opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?
JOEY: I can't believe you. You told me it was a nubbin.
ROSS: Joey, what did you think a nubbin was?
JOEY: I don't know, you see somethin', you hear a word, I thought that's what it was. Let me see it again.
ALL: Yeah, show it. Show it. The nubbin, the nubbin, the nubbin.
CHANDLER: Joey was in a porno movie.
ALL: Huuh.
CHANDLER: If I'm goin' down, I'm takin' everybody with me.
JADE [on phone]: Oh, Bob, he was nothing compared to you. I had to bite my lip to keep from screaming your name.
CHANDLER: Well, that makes me feel so good.
JADE: It was just so awkward and bumpy.
ROSS: (silently mouthing) Bumpy?
CHANDLER: Well, maybe he had some kind of uh, new, cool style, that you're not familiar with. And uh maybe you have to get used to it.
JADE: Well there really wasn't much time to get used to it, you know what I mean?
CAROLINE: I assume we're talking about the baby now.
JOEY: Oh, yeah. He's got that great baby smell. Get a whiff of his head.
CAROLINE: I think my uterus just skipped a beat.
JOEY: (to Chandler) What'd I tell you? What'd I tell you?
CAROLINE: I think it's great you guys are doing this.
CHANDLER: Well, we are great guys.
CAROLINE: You know, my brother and his boyfriend have been trying to adopt for three years. What agency did you two go through?
ROSS: Rach, I got a message from you. . . . . Who's Michael?
RACHEL: Oh my God. Oh my God Ross, no, hang up the phone, give me the phone Ross, give me the phone, give me the phone, give me the. . . [jumps the couch and lands on Ross's back, finally getting the phone from him.]
ROSS: You're over me?
RACHEL: Ohhhhhhhh God. [climbs off his back]
ROSS: Wha... you're uh, you're, you're over me?
RACHEL: Ohh, ohh.
ROSS: When, when were you... under me?
CHANDLER: "It was summer, and it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely grey couch. 'Oh, look,' cried Ned, and then the kingdom was his forever. The end."
CHANDLER: Ya know I remember my father, all dressed up in the red suit, the big black boots, and the patent leather belt, sneakin around downstairs. He didn't want anybody to see him but he'd be drunk so he'd stumble, crash into something and wake everybody up.
RACHEL: Well, that doesn't sound like a very merry Christmas.
CHANDLER: Who said anything about Christmas?
ROSS: She's dating. She's dating.
CHANDLER: Yes, yes, but did you see who she was dating?
ROSS: What do you mean?
MONICA: Do you not see it?
ROSS: See what? I don't know what she sees in... innn that goober. And it takes him, what? Like... like... I don't know, uhh... uhhh, hello.... a... week, to get out a sentence.
CHANDLER: Yeah, it's annoying, isn't it?
ROSS: ....................Yeah.
MONICA: Ross, I thought you were over this.
ROSS: Look, that has nothing to do with this, ok? She's my ex-wife. If she were marrying a guy, none of you'd expect me to be there.
JOEY: Hey, if she were marrying a guy, she'd be like the worst lesbian ever.
JOEY: Chandler? What're you still doin' here, I though you guys took off.
CHANDLER: Oh, no no no, she took off with my clothes.
JOEY: Are you naked in there?
CHANDLER: Not exactly. . . I'm wearing panties.
JOEY: Huh, you uh, you always wear panties?
CHANDLER: No, no, this is the first time.
JOEY: Wow, talk about your bad luck, I mean, the first time you try panties and someone walks off with your clothes.
JOEY: Hey, this is a little extra somethin' for uh, ya know, always bein' there for me. (hands Chandler a jewellery box)
CHANDLER: Wow, I don't know what to say. (opens the box and pulls out an incredibly gaudy gold bracelet) Wow, I, I don't know what to say.
JOEY: Heh, what d'ya say?
CHANDLER: I don't know. It's a bracelet.
JOEY: Isn't it? And it's engraved too, check it out.
CHANDLER: (reads) To my best bud. (puts it back in the case) Thanks best bud.
JOEY: Put it on.
CHANDLER: Oh, now? (puts it in his desk drawer) No, no, I think something this nice should be saved for a special occasion. (sets a chair in front of the drawer)
JOEY: Oh, no no, that's the beauty part, it goes with everything. (gets the bracelet from the drawer) You put this on, you're good to go. (puts the bracelet on Chandler) Ohhh man, you are so wearin' that bracelet.
CHANDLER: I so am.
JOEY: You have any idea what this'll do for your sex life?
CHANDLER: Well, it'll probably slow it down at first but, once I get used to the extra weight, I'll be back on track.
PHOEBE[steps in front of tv]: We have got to get you lazy boys out of these chairs.
CHANDLER and JOEY: Hey, woah, hey, woah.
PHOEBE: You know you should go outside and be with the three-dimensional people.
JOEY: No, inside good, outside bad.
PHOEBE: You guys are so pathetic, I, oh, OH, XANADU! OH.
CHANDLER: She's one of us now.
CHANDLER: Well don't you see how gross that is? I mean that's like you using my toothbrush. (Joey gets a sheepish look) You used my toothbrush?
JOEY: Well, that was only 'cause I used the red one to unclog the drain.
CHANDLER: Mine is the red one! Oh God. Can open, worms everywhere.
JOEY: Hey, why can't we use the same toothbrush, but we can use the same soap?
CHANDLER: Because soap is soap. It's self-cleaning.
JOEY: Alright, well next time you take a shower, think about the last thing I wash and the first thing you wash.
ROSS: (On the phone) Wait hold on Tony, hold on. (answers second line) Hello. Hi, yeah no, she's right here. Um hold on. (gets first line) Hi Tony, can I call you back? That's uh, that's my sister's boyfriend.
MONICA: Give me that.
ROSS: OK.
MONICA: Hi sweetie, look before I forget, did I leave my diaphragm at your place? [pauses] Hi mom. (she starts throwing oranges at Ross who's looking pleased with himself)
CHANDLER: So, when I woke up this morning, he'd stolen all the insoles out of my shoes.
MONICA: Why?
CHANDLER: Because he thinks I slept with his ex-girlfriend and killed his fish.
PHOEBE: Why would you kill his fish?
CHANDLER: Because sometimes, Phoebe after you sleep with someone, you have to kill the fish.
CHANDLER: Eddie, do you remember yesterday?
EDDIE: Uh yes, I think I vaguely recall it.
CHANDLER: Do you remember talking to me yesterday?
EDDIE: Uh, yes.
CHANDLER: So what happened?
EDDIE: We took a road trip to Las Vegas man.
CHANDLER: Oh sweet Moses.
MONICA: So on this road trip, did you guys win any money?
EDDIE: Naah, I crapped out, but Mr. 21 over here he cleans up, 300 bucks, check it out he buys me these new shoes, sweet huh?
MONICA: Nice.
EDDIE: Yeah. Well see ya upstairs. See ya pals.
PHOEBE: Is anyone else starting to really like him?
PHOEBE: Yeah, I talked to my grandma about the Old Yeller incident, and she told me that my mom used to not show us the ends of sad movies to shield us from the pain and sadness. You know, before she killed herself.
PHOEBE: Yeah. So um, did he ever talk about me, Phoebe?
FRANK: No but he didn't really talk about anything.
PHOEBE: Oh.
FRANK: Except stilts.
PHOEBE: Stilts?
FRANK: Yeah, he loved stilts. One time I was upstairs, I was stealing cigarettes out of my mom's purse, and uh, all of a sudden I look over and there's my dad's head bobbing past the window. He just had this big smile on his face and he was waving 'cause he was always happiest when he was on his stilts.
PHOEBE: Wow.
FRANK: Yeah.
PHOEBE: I don't know what to do with that.
FRANK: Me neither.
MONICA: Alright. If you guys don't want it to be special, fine. You can throw any kind of party you want.
(Joey is staring at Monica's fake breasts)
MONICA: Joey they're not real. I start miles beneath the surface of these things, ok, they're fake. See (squeezes her breast) honk honk.
CHANDLER: Wow, it's, it's like porno for clowns.
RICHARD: Ok. Ahh. One of my things is, I always separate my sweat socks from my dress socks.
MONICA: What if they get mixed up?
RICHARD: Boy I would just uh, I would freak out.
MONICA: You would not. I can't believe this. I hate this, you're too normal. I can't believe my boyfriend doesn't have a thing. My boyfriend doesn't have a thing.
RICHARD: See, if anyone overheard that, I didn't come off well.
[Phoebe and her boyfriend are waving good bye with oven mitts on their hands]
RICHARD: Wow, it's like an underrated puppet show
PHOEBE: It's such a shame you can't see what finger I'm holding up.
RACHEL: Ya, know what Barr, I'm not gonna leave. I probably should, but I'm not, see 'cause I promised myself that I would make it through at least *one* of your weddings. See now, tonight, all I really wanted was to make it though this evening with a little bit of grace and dignity. Well (laughing), I guess we can all agree that's not gonna happen. There's nothing really left to say except....(starts singing) "Her name was Lola. She was a showgirl. With yellow feathers (band joins in), feathers in her hair, and a dress cut down to there. She would..."
ROSS: Marenge
RACHEL: (singing) "...marenge, thank you honey, and do the cha-cha. And while she like to be a star, Tony always tended bar. At the, wait, wait, everybody.."
ROSS: Everybody!
CHANDLER: Okay, you know, you know when your in bed, with a woman.
ROSS: Hmph.
CHANDLER: And, ah, you know, your fooling around with her. And you get all these like, mental images in your brain, you know, like Elle MacPherson, or that girl at the Xerox place....
ROSS: With the belly-button ring? Oh, muhawa!
CHANDLER: I know, And then all of the sudden your Mom pops into your head. And your like 'Mom, get outta here!' You know, but of course, like, after that you can't possibly think of anything else, and you can't, you know, stop what your doing. So it's kinda like, you're, you know. You know...(Ross just stares at him). You don't know!
ROSS: Your Mom, your telling me, your telling me, about your Mom, what is the matter with you?
CHANDLER: You said...
ROSS: I said 'share' not 'scare'. Go sit over there! (Chandler goes over and sits at a table and puts his head down).
JOEY: What's a matter Ross? What you're nervous about your speech?
ROSS: No! Do you wanna hear it?
JOEY: Am I in it?
ROSS: Uh, huh. Yeah, right after I thank everyone for giving money to the museum, I sing a song about the wonder that is Joey.
MONICA: Okay, all right, how's this? 27. Italian-American guy. He's an actor, born in Queens. Wow, big family, seven sisters, and he's the only....boy. (they all turn and look at Joey) Oh my God, under personal comments: 'New York Knicks, rule!'
JOEY: Yeah, the Knicks rule!
CAROL: Oh please God, let there be a song.
ROSS: There was no song. (to Monica) There was no song!
MONICA: (singing) 'I am Bea.'
ROSS: Okay.
MONICA: 'I drink tea.'
ROSS: Okay, that's, that's enough. (retreats to the bathroom)
MONICA: '....Won't you, won't you, won't you.... '
ROSS: (coming out of the bathroom) Won't you dance around with me.
CHANDLER: Well, we have a deal, where we each get to pick five celebrities that we can sleep with, and the other one can�t get mad.
ROSS: Ah, the heart of every healthy relationship. Honesty, respect, and sex with celebrities.
MONICA: So, Chandler, who�s on your list?
CHANDLER: Ah, Kim Basinger, Cindy Crawford, Halle Berry, Yasmine Bleeth, and ah, Jessica Rabbit.
RACHEL: Now, you do realize that she�s a cartoon, and way out of your league?
CHANDLER: I know, I know, I just always wondered if I could get her eyes to pop out of her head.
ROSS: My marriage, I think my marriage is um, is kinda over.
PHOEBE: Oh no! Why?
ROSS: �Cause Carol�s a lesbian. (Phoebe is shocked) And, and I�m not one. And apparently it�s not a mix and match situation.
PHOEBE: Oh my God! I don�t believe it! Oh, you poor bunny.
ROSS: (sets out a bunch of shot glasses and starts to poor himself a drink, many drinks) I�m an idiot. I mean shoulda seen it, I mean Carol and I�d be out and she�d, she�d see some beautiful woman, and, and she�d be Ross y'know look at her, and I�d think, God, my wife is cool!
PHOEBE: Aw! Hey, do you think that Susan person is her lover?
ROSS: Well, now I do!!
Italicized words are the people thinking
ROSS: So I told Carl, �Nobody, no matter how famous their parents are, nobody is allowed to climb on the dinosaur.� But of course this went in one ear and out.....
RACHEL: I love how he cares so much about stuff. If I squint I can pretend he�s Alan Alda.
MONICA: Oh good, another dinosaur story. When are those gonna become extinct?
CHANDLER: If I was a superhero who could fly and be invisible, that would be the best.
GUNTHER: What does Rachel see in this guy? I love Rachel. I wish she was my wife.
(Joey is singing in his head.)
PHOEBE: Who�s singing?
JOEY: All right, ladies and gentlemen, let�s poke. (they start to advance the giant poking device) Steady. Steady. Okay, a little higher. Careful of the angle. Okay, okay, we�re approaching the window. Thread the needle. Thread the needle.
(They thread the needle and start poking him, he then stirs.)
PHOEBE: He�s alive! He�s a-live!!!
MONICA: And yet, we�re still poking him.
JOEY: Okay, retract the device, retract the device.
ROSS: He does not look happy.
RACHEL: Hey-hey, now he�s showing us his poking device.
JOEY: Hey, that�s never gonna make it all the way over here, buddy
MARGHA: (coming over) The game is over, we eat now?
CHANDLER: No-no-no-no, the game�s not over, we�re just switching teams.
JOEY: Yeah, Chandler finds me so intimidating that it�s better if we�re on the same team.
ROSS: Right. Okay, let�s play. Let�s go.
CHANDLER: No ah, hold on a second Joe, where do Dutch people come from?
JOEY: Ah well, the ah, Pennsylvania Dutch, come from Pennsylvania.
CHANDLER: And the other ah, Dutch people, they come on from somewhere near the Netherlands, right?
JOEY: Nice try. (to Margha) See the Netherlands is this make believe place where Peter Pan and Tinker Bell come from.
ROSS: Well hey, who did these resumes for ya?
CHANDLER: Me! On my computer.
ROSS: Well you sure used a large font.
CHANDLER: Eh, yeah, well ah, waitress at a coffee shop and cheer squad co-captain only took up so much room.
Joey: Man, I remember the first time I saw that girl Katherine, after we broke up. She was just walking with her friend Donna, just laughing and talking. God, it killed me.
Chandler: Yes, but you ended up having sex with both of them that afternoon.
Joey: Sorry, I just, any excuse to tell that story y'know....
CHANDLER: All right fine, don't do anything, just sit here and talk to us, meanwhile she is talking to him about you. And he's being Mr. Joe Sensitive, and she starts thinking 'Maybe this is the guy for me, because he understands me.'
JOEY: And before you know it, she's with him. And you'll be all, 'Ohh, man!' And he'll be all, 'Yes!' And us, we'll be like, 'Wh-whoa, dude.' And pretty soon you'll be like, (sadly) 'Hhiii,' and, and, and, 'I can't go, Rachel and Mark might be there.' And we'll be like, 'Man get over it, it's been four years!!'
CHANDLER: He paints quite a picture doesn't he?
MONICA: So we can be friends who sleep together.
RICHARD: Absolutely, this will just be something we do, like racquetball.
MONICA: Sounds smart and healthy to me. So um, just out of curiosity, um, do you currently have any other racquetball buddies?
RICHARD: Just your dad. (pause) Although that�s actually racquetball.
JOEY: Okay, it was like four years ago. Okay, Ginger and I had gone out a few times, and then this one weekend, we went up to her Dad�s cabin. Just me, her, and her annoying little dog Pepper. Well that night, I cooked this really romantic dinner....
MONICA: You gave her food poisoning!?
JOEY: I wish. No. After dinner, me, her, and Pepper all fell asleep in front of the fire. Well I woke up in the middle of the night and I saw that the fire was dying out. So, I picked up a log and threw it on. Or, at least what I thought was a log.
PHOEBE: Oh my God!! You threw Pepper on the fire!
JOEY: I wish. See, I guess another thing I probably should�ve told you about Ginger is that she kinda has a ah, artificial leg.
(Phoebe and Monica both stand up and gasp.)
MONICA: Oh my God! Joey, what did you do after you threw her leg on the fire?
JOEY: I ran!!
JOEY: Yeah, for sure. Okay. Probably want the first thing to be, never open your eyes. Y'know, because you don�t want to be doing something and then look up and see something you don�t want to be seeing.
CHANDLER: Yeah. Good call, nice one. Hold it!! Hold it! What if me eyes are closed, and, and my hand is out there.... (holds his arm out and pretends to grab something with his hand.)
JOEY: Ah!! Okay! Eyes open at all times! Oh, hey, how do we decide where we... (clears throat) y'know each would, (clears throat again) y'know (pause) be?
CHANDLER: Right. Right. Well ah, y'know we could flip for it.
JOEY: Yeah, I guess, but what�s like heads and what�s tails?
CHANDLER: Well it you don�t know that, then I don�t want to do this with you.
ROSS: Gunther! Gunther. Gunther, please tell me you didn�t say anything to Rachel about me and the girl from the Xerox place.
GINTHER: I�m sorry. Was I not supposed to?
(Ross turns around and sees Rachel sitting by the window. She is just glaring at him.)
[Phoebe puts the car in gear and starts to back out.]
Phoebe: Okay. (The car moves a few feet and sputters to a stop.) Oh, no!
Rachel: What, what�s it, what�s going on?
Phoebe: Yeah, this has happened before.
Rchel: So you know how to fix it?
Phoebe: Yep. Put more gas in.
HYPNOSIS TAPE: Cigarette�s don�t control you. You are a strong, confident woman, who does not need to smoke.
JOEY: (He�s recorded his voice on the tape) Joey�s your best friend. You want to make him a cheese sandwich everyday. (he laughs) And you also want to buy him hundreds of dollars worth of pants.
(Chandler wakes up and stares at the tape.)
JOEY: God, I just, I hate her! I hate her!! With her, �Oh, I�m so talented.� and �Oh, I�m so pretty,� and �Ooh, I smell so good.�
CHANDLER: I think somebody has a crush on somebody.
JOEY: Hey, Chandler, can we please stay focused on my problem here?! Y'know?
CHANDLER: I�m talking about you. You big, big freak.
JOEY: Oh. (realises) Ohh. Ohh, you�re out of your mind.
CHANDLER: Hey, you have nothing but talk about her for the last 48 hours! If you were in a school yard you�d be pulling her pigtails and pushing her down now!
JOEY: Oh, yeah?! Then how come I keep thinking about her in all these sexual scenarios and stuff huh?!
JOEY: (on phone) Well, so anyway Beth, what I�m saying is I should�ve considered your feelings before I went home with you that night. I�ve ah, I�ve recently learned what�s it like to be on your side of it, and I�m sorry. So, do you think you can forgive me? (listens) Great. Thanks. Okay, bye. (He sits down and crosses out something, and dials the phone again.) Hello, Jennifer? (listens) Oh hi, Mrs. Loreo, is Jennifer there? (listens) Oh, she�s not home huh? (listens) Well ah, actually I kinda need to talk to you too.
RACHEL: What thing? What is this thing?
ROSS: I was kinda, supposed to be on TV tonight for The Discovery Channel.
RACHEL: Oh my God!
ROSS: Yeah.
RACHEL: Ross, why didn�t you tell me that?
ROSS: Eh, �cause I knew that if I told you, you�d make me go, and I knew you needed someone to be with you tonight. Come on. Come on.
RACHEL: I cannot believe you.
ROSS: What?
RACHEL: That is the sweetest thing, I just....
(They both look at each other for a while)
ROSS: (breaking the silence) You should get some sleep.
TOMMY: (noticing the chick) Ooh, hey! Hey, there little fella. (picks up the chick) Mr. Fuzzy-Man, how are you doing? (starts to pet him) Aww. (The chick poops on his hand.) Eww! Oh! Eww! Gross! Idiot!! Stupid little, fuzzy, yellow creature!! Oh look at me, I�m so cute, I�m a little chick who�s disgusting! God, you�re so stupid, how are you not yet extinct!! (the duck wattles behind him and quacks) (to the duck) Quack-quack, quack-quack!! What are you quacking about?! Dumb Donald Doo-Doo!!
(The gang is staring at him through the doorways.)
CHANDLER: Step away from the duck.
TOMMY: Ooh, sorry little Mr. Chic-A-Dee, sorry you went doody in my hand! (starts to walk out and stops) (to Rachel) Well, I guess we�re not going out anymore. Whaa!!!
DR. RHODES: Well that's not a third nipple.
ROSS: No?
DR. RHODES: First of all, it's on your ass.
ROSS: Well then, what is it?!
DR. RHODES: Wait a minute, hold it. (He goes to the door and opens it.) Johnson! Will you come in here a moment?
DR. JOHNSON: I'm with Hamilton!
DR. RHODES: He's good with rear things, bring him in too.
JOEY: Check it out, he�s winning! Pete�s winning!
MONICA: Really?!
JOEY: No-o-o!!
TV ANNOUNCER: Uh-oh, Bruiser has Becker on the canvas and is going for his favourite area.
ALL: Oh! Oh! (they all recoil in horror)
PHOEBE: Wait, if that�s his favourite area, why is he being so mean to it?
ROSS: Well, this is ironic. Of your last two boyfriends, Richard didn�t want to have kids, and from the looks of it, now Pete can�t.
RACHEL: All right! Ross, do you think it�s easy for me to see you with somebody else?
ROSS: Y'know, hey! You�re the one who ended it, remember?
RACHEL: Yeah, because I was mad at you, not because I stopped loving you!
ROSS: You still love me?
RACHEL: Noo.
ROSS: You still love me.
RACHEL: Oh, y-yeah, so, you-you love me!
ROSS: Noo, nnnnn. What does this mean? What do you, I mean do you wanna, get back together?
RACHEL: Noo! Maybe! I, I don�t know. Ross, I still can�t forgive you for what you did, I can�t, I just, but sometimes when I�m with you I just, I feel so...
Ross: What?!
RACHEL: I just, I feel, I-I just...
ROSS: What?
RACHEL: I feel...
(Ross leans in and kisses her. They both look at each other for a moment, and then embrace in a more passionate kiss, only to be interrupted by Joey and Chandler coming outside.)
RACHEL: At the Copa, Copa Cabana (everyone joins in) The hottest spot north of Havana. At the Copa, Coo-pa Ca-ban-a, music and fashion were always the passion, at the Copa....
RACHEL: I'm an assistant buyer!