| # 9 train runs from south ferry to van courtland ave bronx. the train pass through famous places from the financial district to harlem. it's a local train that takes about 1 hour to complete it's journey in the rush hour. the sky is gray, like the dead fish that turns up in Hudson river.... pegions were walking on the street in a zig zag pattern. somehow i felt that they really need scarves. ha.. how funny would it be for pegions to wear scarves. wait.. why did i think of scarves? was it because it was so cold and the typical north eastern winter wind had gone mad, or was it just me feeling cold? The largest trinity church in the world.. it stood on the corner of broadway and 120th street. the air felt like thousand of knives cutting and slicing the air up... razor sharp. i had a mission... or things to be done... or things to be cleared? i was just like a prisoner on the death row... walking toward his excusion? i should say.. the excusion was done.. and i am walking back to the subway... walking? or perhaps i was just floating? they say a body without a soul is worthless.... i felt so cheap.... like a newspaper that dated weeks ago.. discarded.. then the strong wind was carrying it sky high... then falling on the cold NYC road that fulls of potholes. hitting hard.... it snowed last night... very very early in the morning.... the bell had rang.. and there were no one answering the door. no more greeting smiles.. just the dark winter night sky that teared with shiny white powder. no big round eyes looking deep into the soul......... and now the soul had been lost. the hair catched the snows.. it turned into icy rain drops.. that seeped through scalp and through the brain like thousands of little needles. smoke never helped.blowing out smoke sure did nothing good at all. but if one got nothing to cling on to .. smoke might just serve the purpose...... it's the library.. standing in middle of the street. serve both as the temple and the boiler room. the temple.. for the one with the big eyes that rediscovered herself again..... boiler room.. for the stupid old one. it was the landmark for the one who had gone free.... as the bird..... the bird with pretty eyes. the stupid old one was doomed to suffer with endless pain.... the road back to the subway never seemed so long and lonely.. as the old one had walked pass it 20 min ago. was it really my fault that i never talk about what was in my mind? or was it my fault that i like to get thing done then just say it? why couldn't anyone understand me...? or perhaps i should always be the one to reveal myself? what happened to actions are louder then words? was having things planned out in one's mind and then go for that goal less important then saying sweet things? does love always had to be spoken out loud? does being busy in one's life means less loving provided to the love ones? as for men, they should be able to provide shelters for the love ones.. but what is the fundation of love if none of safety and financial securities were provided? does love have to be the first priority in a men's life in order to get women to understand that they do love them? as the #9 train rocked all the way downtown....one's heart sunk to the botton of east river...below all the rocks... was it ever clear? no... were there loves invloved? YES! lots of it.. but they all got wasted on the old stupid one........... shhhhhhh... no more but.... when love ended... there was no explain needed.... it's not easy to say " i don't love you anymore cause i have someone else in my mind" but instead saying " we have different persoanlity and we are better apart from each other" true love can wait.. and love is not conditional... isn't it? if it turns bad with in a very short period of time.. maybe it never was..... it was so simple yet it took a lot of people tons of time and tears... what is the point? wait.. maybe there are no such thing as true love.. it is always conditional.... it's the end... that is all... or is it? feeling depressed is not an option. 12/20/2000 is the end really the end? why am i blaming on others when i am the one who is to blame? 12/22/2000 a quote from a friend who read it: "maybe you kind of regret certain things that you lost.. just because you didn't speak up" "maybe... you didn't think you have the right to say anything" "maybe...you lost the loved one because you don't think you can provide the security" " and you let go.. so she can find a better one" "and you are right.. being busy does not mean you love someone less" "and action speaks louder then words" "i feel that you regret you lost that someone you love" 12/22/2000 |
| # 9 train |
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