lipstick

she took me out last weekend. 2 days in a row. we drove all the way across bronx to fort lee, new jersey.

she told me the tofu casserole were the best. as her shinny silver bimmer slice through the air on washington bridge, i noticed something between the passenger seat.

it's a purple lipstick.

"i never knew you wear this kind of color" i asked her.
she looked at me... silenced for a moment. the ac was really blowing out icy cold air. the techno music from the cd player faded into the background.

"it was not mine" she said.
"my husband had been using my car for the past few weeks. i saw that last week in my glove compartment" she said.

shit.. i blew it again. i asked something i should not. me and her both knew that for some part of her life.. we just didn't want to touch.

sometimes i wonder.. why did she ever get married at all? was it really as what she told me "we are more like friends.. he would never turn his back on me... and because i did not love him that much.. i can deal with him a lot better then i deal with you"

it sounded as i had something to do with her. but didn't i? almost 10 years of on and off relationship did a lot to us.. especially to her. she would never be the sweet and naive girl i knew when she was 17 and i.. on the other hand, would never be that little cocky young man who was not afraid of anything. we had both aged well. yet we both lost what we believed in. we thought of marriage before but i was normally the one in fault. the reason? i was not ready at all. but now look at me.. i am an old fart who knows nothing better then i was 23. who is going to want me anyway?

i still can not accept the truth that she married him. i asked myself thousand of times why and i had looked for that answer all over the place yet i had never realized that answer was right here. i was the problem of our relationship.

i remembered that we took a trip to one of the major city in east coast years back. we both needs to get away. she had decided to marry him already by that time. her engagement ring that shines on her finger hurt not only my eyes but my heart.

"i guess this would be the last time we can be together" i told both of us. it was the first time that i opened myself completely to someone who was so closed to me yet never trully understand me. sometimes i hate myself being like this. i could never be able to do things right until it is too late. we laughed in the car.. talked about our life and reviewed what we did when we were together while driving on I95, we bought lots of little desert and sodas like we were going to a trip which we hope we would never have to head back. it was a special and meaningful trip.. as to put a period in our relationship; that just belong to both of us as a secret that we would carry it into our graves.....

i still remembered that i had told her.. one of the reason as her fianc� told people around him.. that he married her was because she was rich enough.. plus he needed to have a legal status here. and he does not love her at all! i was so mad when i heard that and told her. but all she said was "i knew"

did he love her? does he love her? i do not know and i am not here to answer that question. but i can not stand that he left her alone in her big empty house eating instant noodle nights by nights while dancing her fingers on computer keyboard.

she is very lonely.... yet she would never admit it.

" i got you here to talk to, coffee"

that is all she would say to me when i was angry about how her husband treats her.
i feel guilty a lot of times when i look at her life. i could have done something but yet i did not. i could have been the one like in movies... stand up in her wedding ceremony and yelled.. "i disagree with the marriage"...

but where was i? riding my motorcycle on the highway and try to dig out all the memories that we used to have.. in all these different places over the city.
"at least we are still good friends, aren't we?" she smiled and said. why does her smile always look unhappy?

"yes we are. and nothing can ever change that. we grew up together and we had shared our life togehter" that was the only thing i could ever say to her.

i grabbed the lipstick and i really really wanted to through it into hudson river. but she looked at me.. and i realized.. she does love him.. she forgives him. just as she had forgave me before.

after all.. it's just a little lipstick.. isn't it?