She picks up her organizer, with the drawing of blue bears and hearts on the smooth shinny plastic cover; and then she glided her long fingers over the cover of the organizer, and then something floated up in her mind.
She flips the page to this week, searches the column with a little star next to it. �May 12th 2002�. Her heart pounds faster and she feels as if thousands of butterflies are trying to get out of her body as her sight lands on that day.
Wrote with her favorite green pen; a line of words that looks so out of place with her neat hand-writing scattered on the same page.
�Dear, I don�t know if I am still with you when your birthday comes. If I am not with you today, I want to be able to say I love you for the last time; even if it was only in writing.�
She looks on the little note on that date for a few second; then she feels really dizzy with memories rush into her brain like an express train fly pass local stops. The loud background noise is fading away while her mind travels back to the end of last year��
~~~~~~~~~~
They were all standing on the line trying to get into a New Year eve party while chilly wind was throwing millions of little needles punctured through their coats. It was never her idea of going to any Asian party since she never dated any Asians at all. But her two friends were all dying to meet someone new after their relationship didn�t work out so well. She didn�t know when her friends started to talk to these people on the same line behind her and she did not remember who had made that decision to go to karaoke with them. She was going to go back home and celebrate New Year alone after they had realized they could never be able to get in the club with such a long line.
She did not know when did she realized that guy with glasses had kept on paying attention on her. All she knew was she kept on bumping here eye sight with his. It looked like he had spent all his attention on her. From the time they were sitting in the upper level of UFO karaoke bar drinking Zima bottle by bottle while screaming happy New Year to sitting right next to him and sinking herself into the comfortable leather sofa and watching her friends sang and flirted with these new friends; she kept having these weird feelings in her stomach, and she felt something warm and familiar had kept following her like air. But it was not so obvious. When she wanted to catch that feeling floating in the air, it disappeared into the corner of the room like it had never existed.
She had been experienced with relationships several times, but always with people in music industry, and only with white European guys. It was very different to be with group of Asian guys. It was not like she had no one chasing her. She always had tons of Asian admirers in school since she was the best in Julliard. The night ended with all of them happy and exhausted, phone number changed and friendship bonded. But somehow she had a feeling that was not the end of it. Something else had grown in her mind.
He called her and her friends several times after New Year. But she knew he would always try to talk more in dept with her then to her friends He had sat up a few more group gatherings with both of their friends. The group of people spent several great nights seeking different adventures in NYC. That club 89 with co-ed glass door restroom was fun; Kavehauz (Caf� House) on Mercer Street with great Jazz band and shots of Jack Coke was very trendy. (That was when she noticed they both drink the same stuff.) Mid-night snack in a restaurant hidden under the dark alley of Chinatown was just pure adventurous. The cheesecake with cappuccino in the city founded on the lower east side store was the best she had ever tasted. But what attracted her most was this warm and sweet feeling surrounded her when he was around. He took care of everyone and make sure everything was just perfect with all his/her friends.
She started to feel her friends looked at him differently. At the beginning, she thought it was such a good idea if any of her two best friends could be able to go out with him. But later on as she talked to him more and more in the deepest nights in her newly moved in apartment above Harlem while looking through condensation on her bedroom windows; she felt that it must be calm and peaceful if she could be able to fall asleep in his arm while listening to all those little stories in his life on a raining night.
She doubted herself for having those feelings as when he started to get serious with her. She thought she would never go out with anyone else beside white European musicians, as they are much more romantic and talented. Ordinary guys could never be able to attract her attention what so ever. She kindly refused to tell him that she had any special feeling toward him but as good friends several times when he asked her. But each time when she told him that, she could see deeper and deeper sorrows buried in his eyes, which dissolved her lonely heart piece by piece; yet she never had the courage to clarify her feeling toward him.
When her friends told her that he had finally given up on her. She felt relieved at the beginning as she did not have to face her strange feeling toward him but putting all her attention on the recital for her graduate degree coming a months later. But when the night came, she looked at the phone while sitting on her bed. And when the first sun ray crawling toward her cold feet, she realized she had done nothing but thought of him for the whole night.
On the same Friday, as they would normally go out in the group, but for this time, there were only 3 of them; her 2 best friends and herself. She knew she would be ok if she won�t be able to see him anymore. All she had to do is diverging her attention to her music and out partying. So here they were, waiting on the line trying to get into another Asian party again.
