dearbabyblue

Thanks for all the special attention you had given me. It was great to have someone as nice as you to pretend to be my love and wrote me messages here. It had kept my hope alive and my spirit high for the past month. I had dreamed of seeing her a lot lately and it reminded me how I had spend my past couple birthdays with her.

But reality is reality and I try not to face the fact that me and her are just not going to be together anymore. I had called and asked her to come back to New York City for more then a dozen of times. I even had the ring she asked ready for her. But I can't really do anything if I am not what she wants anymore.

I was amazed that she would ever read this BBS. I had never told her that I wrote anything online since she was never happy of me writing anything for anyone else to share except her. I don't know why I ever see you or think of you as her.

I got really really frustrated and sad when someone I thought was her never showed up on my birthday. I could not sleep well for that whole night and thought she would show up anytime at my doorsteps. I sat at my usual spot, in front of my computer right next to the window, so I can be able to spot any sound and movement outside of my house. But as you know, there were none for the whole night.

The night was like water in the lake in early January. bone chilling cold.... But never as cold as that night I waited for her for hours for her to drive back from Jersey. She shut down her cell and got back with a car full of smell of alcohol. It was my first heart broken night from her knowing she was lying to me for seeing someone else.

Our relationship were never as smooth as others. We only enjoyed a month of worry free happiness being together then something horrible had strike my life and ever since then, my life had been in hell. (I try to write that story down, but only get to a little part of it and I could not continue to do so. If you care to read a part of it, it was posted on this BBS a long time ago under the name "nightmare".)

She could have left me at the time since we only knew each other for a months when that thing happened. But she stayed and supported me so I could be able to face the worst nightmare of my life. She had quit her last semester of college just to be with me and care for me when I was down. I would even say I owe my life to her. I would have killed myself if it was not her being there supporting me. After my trouble was gone, the mental damage to her were so great that she had to see a shrink and take drugs to cure her for being depressed.

By walking into my life, she was one of the best thing that had happened to me. I beg you not to ruin it even though she is not with me anymore. Please do not use this to hurt my feeling since it is the weakest and one of the saddest link in my heart.

If you really want to talk to me, please let me have a way to find you. Let's not go around in a circle anymore. I know you are not my duck so you don't have to hide anymore.

You can e-mail me if you want to. Or call me. I am sure you have my #. Or at least let me have your e-mail address so I would do the first move.. what do you say?

best wishes

coffee