| back home 12/29/2002 after 17 hours of flight.. i am back to NYC now. i remembered one of my friend used to tell me how he felt about NYC the moment he stepped out of the plane. JFK is somehow an older airport then the rest of the airport in Asia, and with construction going around it. with old and dim street light.. bald trees... cars covered with road grime and salt dust, feeling a little down in this big city here. Pudong airport in Shanghai is very new and pretty, it shines with pride of billions chinese people. but the software ... the people are not up to certain standard.. on both side of the straight. same as in taipei.... they all dressed nicely yet from the way they walk and talk.. you could tell they still have years to catch up.. but can you believe it? people in shanghai are actually much more polite then those in taipei. I am seeing the familiar road signs again, all in English. The goose down jacket that I got in Shanghai can finally be worn. It was so hot in Taipei during the winter yet it was not as cold in Shanghai; therefor it laid in the bottom of my suitcase, till now i am back home. home sweet home. i had been dreaming about going home since the 2nd week i was in taipei. taipei is a tiny little city where all the scooters and cars trying to squeeze in. it's a very confusing city. shanghai felt like NYC, with nicely defined skyline and the feeling of an international city, yet i dreamed of coming back to NYC even more, on my big queen size bed in my high rise apartment within changning district. "guandi bar and loundge" in both taipei and shanghai felt the same...crowded and packed with singles seeking for their next fast food type love... .. but they are never as trendy as "Cafe Wha" in the villiage, soho.. i walked back into my room. it felt like deja vu.... was i gone for half a year? or was i just awaken from a vivid dream where feeling of being a part of my culture still carries on my shoulders.. and in my pocket. i am having problem with my identity now. am i chinese? everywhere i went in china, cities by cities.. shanghai, nanjin, xuzhou, to beijing, tianjin, jinan, jining.. i am an outsider and i am supposed to pay premium for everyting or i will be lied or cheated up on.am i taiwanese? falks in taiwan told me my mandarin was not the same as them.. in that little island where the whole population is less then the city of shanghai.. and they divide themselves into the south and north... and to them... i am an outsider too i wished them good.. teaching them things i think how it shall be done.. have an international view toward the world. yet i was yelled at and they told me to go back to america... mao's RMB mixed with jiang's NT... along with those thick coins i got from Hong Kong are heavily sinking in my backpack, and they made all kinds of noises as i climbed back to my litte nest in the 2nd floor of our house. and i am not even american yet.. or am i? having a citizenship don't mean nothing.. 20 years in nyc don't mean nothing and years of years of education plus thoughts don't mean nothing to a lot of "americans" but at least they don't try to cheat me out for nothing.... nor they try to fake anything.. to lie to me. lying in my own bed.. i start to wonder if i really want to be chinese... or taiwanese.. or whatever! i am so tired.. i have seen so many ugly side of them.... and i am supposed to be proud of my background.. as i had always thought. they have no idea how proud i am to be chinese.. taiwanese.. yet.. i felt like i just climbed out of the icy water where i had spent my last half year in.. shall i not give them up at all? i started to wonder. i don't know.. i feel so tired.. i just want to sleep ... under my New York sky..the same location where the orion should be in winter time. and don't wake me up the next day.. i need to change the air in my smoke infested lungs with brisk new york chilly winter air.. i am just so tired..... |
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