| dear d, i know i might never have the guts to send this letter out, but there are things that stuck in my mind like a frozen concrete in water bucket.. including today, we had only know each other for a bit more then 2 month, 68 days to be exact. and i know i might just be one of these guys you are using in order to get rid of your loneliness. but to tell you the truth, i don't really care. for all those nights i had held you in my arms, i knew you were still thinking of him. i understand that i was here just for temporary, but yet i couldn't help myself falling in love with you. when i kissed you while you had closed your eyes, i couldn't stop wonder if you were thinking of me or him. i know when you were hurt by him, you would call me in the middle of the night and talked to me endless on the phone, or ask me to drive you to fort totten to see whitestone bridge and throgs neck bridge. i knew that was the heart broken place that you gave yourself completely to him...sometimes i wish the sun would never come up and i could have you in my arms forever. i wanted to tell you how much i love to have you right next to me, even if i was not the one in your heart. i wanted to tell you how much it meant to me to spend every second with you, even if you wish he was the one right next to you. i understand i would never be the one to replace him, i could never be able to do all the sweet little things what he could have done for you; i knew all i could be able to provide for you would just be a shoulder for you to lean on when you cry. i understood that you loved him dearly. you often worried for being with me, you had gave up the chance to wait at home in case he called. i understood that i might never be able to see your real smile as if you had smiled to him. but yet.. i kept on lying to myself that i would eventually have a chance with you.. and deep in me i knew such a chance would be smaller then fishing a needle from the ocean. yet.. i had fall for you... i did not care.. i did not care if all my friends called me a fool, i did not care if i could risk my job for being late day by day just for staying with you night by night keeping you company. i would not care if the next day he showed up in your front door and ask you to give him another chance and you would never call me again. i would not care if i am just a little step stone for you to pass this time... dear d.. i would not care. you had changed a bit since last week.. your smile did not show so much sorrow as the first day i saw you in the park. you had talked less about him and last night you did not even mention his name but staring and listening to the falling rain for hours. your hands were not so cold as it had used to be. you felt so distanced.. or perhaps you were never close to me at all? i had a feeling.. he is back, isn't he? it's time for me to leave.. isn't it? i am seeing you again, tonight. i would not know what to say if you were to tell me you won't see me anymore. i know i can never be him.... i just want you to be who you are and love what you choose. i would still dream of having you in my arms and try to warm your little hands. i would still dream of the first day i see you. i just want you to be happy again.. with or without me. i would still dream... saying good bye is such a hard thing.. but yet.. saying goodbye to someone you love just seems so impossible, therefore, i would just tell you so long, my love. please don't look back. but in any rainy spring night, if you ever feeling lonely again, think of that little cup of coffee that used to warm your heart. so long.... love always, f |
| a letter 2001/04/08 13:28:26 |
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