thoughts3.page

Thoughts 10/24/01-Present

10/24/01 It all comes pouring down

I guess that everybody has to pay for their sins. I guess that I did today. It is raining now, and the rain is massive. I mean, Plymouth Road made my car bottom out in the floor (or so it seemed). I've dealt with it before, only in the summer. I didn't expect it now. But, it was torrential, and it made me wonder, who is this for?

The other thing that happened was that I was on time for work, and even in time to get Wendy's...if Hill Aud. did not have something going on. I swear, I couldn't park to get to the League, or get through traffic to get to work. This, in addition to the rain, made me late.

It seems that somebody needs to be punished, I wonder if it is me. I mean, I had to run in the rain, drive in the rain, get held up by traffic, etc. Or, am I being too selfish as I am not the only one who went through all of that.

For the rest of this column, I will attempt to rehash what I was feeling on that fateful night when this website crashed. It better not again.

When I was writing that night, I was writing about how unsympathetic I was right at that point because Shoshana had just written about how upset she was. She was upset at something vague that she wouldn't disclose on her livejournal, but she would hint at it. This made everybody who read it feel bad about themselves and, thus, I decided that I wouldn't be vague again when it came to that sort of thing. However, everybody seems to be worrying about what NIN song they are. Weird.

So, I was saying how I keep finding it harder and harder to feel sympathetic for people, especially her. She would always find something to complain about or try to evoke sympathy for. Panic attacks, deadlines, work, constant depression, etc. I think that alot of it is for attention. She needs a good therapist or something, because she has a serious depression problem, and, imho, its getting out of hand. She even lies sometimes about what becomes of some of her situations. For instance, the night that she had a panic attack in my room. She told somebody that I and Joe refused to call an ambulance. FUCKING BULLSHIT. We offered to, and she flat-out refused. I mean, that was probably the end of the end, then Burning Man, which I won't expand upon because it would take up like 10 columns or something. (cont)

I wish this could the last of my Shoshana rants. I hope she figures out that its not only me who is getting bored of her charade. And I don't care who reads this, these are my thoughts. If you don't like them...don't read.

ENOUGH

For the rest of this column I will be happy. I don't want to be bitchy, but I figured out, with Derek, that the original purpose of this journal/website was to get my thoughts organized onto something tangible. Well...if this is tangible. The journal was meant to get things out into the open that I would feel bad about saying in person. It gives people time to react to what I say. So, I am coming back to it.

Also, Derek is such the geek, and that is meant in a good way. He brings out the geek in me sometimes too. He wrote a paper on the personification of HAL. It was a good paper. It needed to have more details so it could be put into Wired. In this paper, he blended filmic properties and geek culture. It was a fun read. I hope that the GSIs appreciate it.

Today's thought: "Cause I'm an asshole." - Denis Leary

10/25/01 A Warm Place
Well, its fucking freezing outside. This just started today after yesterday's torrential downfall. I was out in a t-shirt and sandals. Fuck Michigan weather. But, I survived, and its even made me a bit sleepy. Especially now that I am warm.

Other than that, today has been a good day. I found out that some third cousin or so is having her fifteenth birthday, and its a big deal with Mexican/Hispanic culture. Not with American, i can tell you that. But, they are having some major celebration. I talked to my Dad, and that was fun.

Also, tonight was an adventure. It started with me trying to do homework, then discovering that it is due Monday! Whoo hoo! Then, I had to go deliver keys to my friend, because he had locked his inside his car. I drove them up, but he wasn't there. He was held up by one of his professors. And, then I was supposed to go see Mulholland Drive again with Derek and Andrea (I thought he said Brent, but that would have been just as cool). Either way Andrea called in sick, which was kind of sad, but I and Derek had fun.

I showed Derek the movie Heathers (see favorite movies) for the first time. It is such a great movie, it is soooo funny. It has such quotable quotes, i need to start using them: "Fuck me gently with a chainsaw," "If you want to fuck with the eagles, you have to learn how to fly," etc. The plot rules too. It made me feel better for being an outcast when I was in high school. I would give this major credit for my survival.

But, after Heathers, I and Derek went out to Pizza House, and we had fun. We talked about random shit, and i wasn't depressed at all. I feel that I can be happy if I just set my mind to it. We talked about our parents, how we were raised. It was a nice day to escape from the realities that oppress.

Speaking of Heathers, I listened to the commentary track, and it seems that they did not understand, anymore, what makes the movie work. Frequently, the writer Daniel Stern, would be overly-self-critical and in disbelief. He couldn't believe what they got away with, nor why it works. One of the things that sticks out in my mind is the "ich luge" bullets scene. It was his major complaint. But, I think that there is no real way of getting through that scene when Veronica was so against muder at that point. And it added surrealism to the movie.

Also discovered was the original ending. They were to show Veronica blowing herself up, but it gave hints to the school blowing up by showing the dead people, and having everybody get along together. How nauseating. People criticize the used ending for being a cop-out, but I think the real ending was as well, and maybe if they showed the wreakage of the school and faded with that, would it have worked.

In Kubrick class (I love that class) we discussed Barry Lyndon. The professor solidified my point that the movie was a 3-hour long painting. Bauland said that Kubrick wanted to make something beautiful. Well, he did. And that's all it was. But, I can't appreciate still art really either. The movie is seriously beautiful, and if you can get past the pacing (I suspect that it was this movie that caused everybody to say that Kubrick liked slow-pacing, when only this and Lolita are truly slow) check it out. Me, I can't deal with it yet. Maybe when I get old and my mind turns to waste. I forgot what else we talked about, but it didn't hold my attention too well, as I wasn't interested in the movie or its subtle points, like even the worst of Hitchcock was.

Today's thought: "I don't patronize bunny rabbits." - Heathers

I am so happy that I got an acting crew for the new movie, although I only need three actors. So, the only thing with this movie is that I need to find like 4 or 5 house parties to film in. Maybe we can convince some of the people we know to have a party. Mayb I'll include a fraternity party as well, and get permission from J to film at DKE. I dunno. But, either way, filming starts next Saturday night (Friday is My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult).

I am kind of surprised Andrea agreed to be in my movie, as it does have one really slutty/racy scene at a party. It was wrtten in good fun, but it is a bit extreme, And, why is my cable going in and out. I dunno.

Also, yesterday was RHPS at State Theater, with Shoshana as Janet. She saw me today in the afternoon, and was amiable toward me. That was pleasant for a change. And I think we're still friends because I haven't completely condemned her. She was good in it, and I had fun.

Last night was also the night of two parties. One was Clay's PJ party, which I attended from 10:35-10:55 and had a beer, and the other was Jenna's party, which was over by the time we got there. So, we hung out there, and then went to Pizza House for some food. Whatever happened to Fleetwood? (cont)

Another thing that happened was I realized how out of shap I have become since I stopped working out. I need to work out tonight too. But, I got cramps from the bike after 20 minutes. And, I don't mean the workout burn, but serious workout cramps. I also found out that working out gets you drunker faster, so I decided to work out before going to the parties tonight.

My finale to the night came at 4:30 in the morning, when I left my room, locking my keys in there, to go to the bathroom. So, I couldn't get in, and my alarm went off full blast at 8:30 in the morning. It work up the connecting room, so I could get in and shut off the alarm, and go to bed. Whee!!!

Preview of tonight: Party at Carries (I think I should know her, but I don't really), Party at Tess's boyfriends (but I don't think that I am going to go), and all night gothic rave that might be interestting.

Oh, and I forgot the paragraph where I was late for work because I forgot I was working. I was supposed to be working, but I didn't get there until 10-til 6 (as opposed to 5:30). OOPS.

Today's thought: "No, its my sister's bas matzvah." - RHPS call-back

10/27/01 FUCKED UP
Well, last night was a very interesting night, if I do say so myself. Last night really started when i woke up and was greeted by people in a few minutes. Then, I went with Greg apartment hunting. Apartments are butt-fucking expensive. I saw one for $1050/mth, and it was a goddamn single. A SINGLE!! Rape me. Then there was a huge double suite like thing for $1015/mth. I wouldn't mind that, except it is + electricity and food and cable. I can't live without cable. So, then I went home, and hung out with Derek, which was cool. We talked about how I think DPS sucks for getting people in trouble for drinking, but he, being against alcohol, said that half of him was like its against the law, and the other was like but the gov should not tell people how to live their life if they are not hurting anybody else. I like alcohol. I think I depressed him last night because I feel the need to get plastered this weekend, or at least a little tipsy.

So, we hung out, then I talked to Graves and Jordan, the stars of my next movie. Actually, this is humorous because Derek submitted the script for me to M-Flicks. But, anyways, they are my actors, and Andrea is my actress. (cont)

So, she becomes depressed, doesn't communicate to anybody, and pouts through the concert. She moves for one song (After the Flesh), and then sulks again. Then, we get in the car, and she starts crying and having a panic attack (at least that's what it sounded like). I am not going to take her to a hospital in Detroit because if i did, i would just leave her there. So, Derek asks her if she wants to go to a hospital, and she says no. I think she cried when she was done. Neither I nor Derek pay her much mind during the ride. And, today, she writes in her journal: "Fuck Life."

Then, tonight she completely fucks me over by stealing my actress away when the party starts getting jumping. We were going to head out to another party, but she talks to Andrea about her panic attacks (I think) and how people deal with them. (I really shouldn't be writing this, but I swore i wouldn't self-censor) Andrea is like me in that, when she is depressed/sad, she goes and hides from the world, ad doesn't want anybody for comfort. Shoshana needs attention. During an attack, the victim just asked her if she was crying, and she was ticked by the little response. She is so bi-polar it is not even funny. She needs an institution. I think she can't deal with anything. Her drugs (she needs 5htp constantly as well as uses other), her this that the other. I feel bad if it a serious (cont)

out of her control that she is depressed over (court costs), but if they are minor (work sucks, harassing customers, homework), no sympathy from me. I don't look for any. I just need somebody to bitch at, and if I get a response that is adverse, I will push the topic and get into an argument. However, the argument makes me happy in it of itself. I hold no grudges if I don't get any sympathy.

But, I digress, I couldn't film last night because Andrea was taken by Shoshana, and that puts me another day behind schedule. If you question yourself why I am friends with her still, I am REALLY starting to ask myself the same question. When she is happy (which is less and less) she is a very cool person to be around. Sometimes, she is even annoying in a good way. But when she is depressed...oh everybody must be depressed with her, and it starts a cycle because they get mad at her for making them depressed, etc. etc. She needs to go away and find something other than people dependancy to feed off. And she wonders why her other friends ditched her. Makes me wonder if they set that all up for the point. I am mean and selfish.

Today's thought: "Always look on the bright side of death, just before you draw your terminal breath." - Monty Python

11/03/01 Life With Hell
Well, I wish I could stay with the fact that I was going to stop writing about Shoshana, but...here we go again. She fucked me over tonight as well as last night. Last night was the concert for My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult. I really love that band. The music rocked. the band looked cool, the female singer looked like a realistic version of LOA leads, and it was fun. Their set was a skull with headlights for eyes with two racing flags branching off it. This took place at the Majestic Theater, and nobody was dancing, or even moving for the most part, but I am generalizing about the first 2 rows. Behind the first 6-7 rows people were dancing and moving and enjoying the sights.

Well, in my car it was I, Derek, and Shoshana. Shoshana was happy the first time. Just before TKK came on, she got really sullen and depressed. She NEEDS to be the center of attention. Before the band came on, she was the center of the circle. Then she wanted to be up by the stage, thus not the center anymore. And, when I got a better standing point than both her and Andrea, she got really bummed. This may be because i CANNOT see her as sexy, since I know her. I commented on how the band may throw her back if she climbed on stage.

Inc. I call Andrea or she calls me, and we talk. We talk about various things including Derek's journal entry (mainly because I am the closest to him of us three). We kind of figure out that among us four, I am the most apathetic, most evil, least emotional person of the group. Then Andrea is coming a semi-close second. The other two are the nice emotional types with Shoshana being on the extreme side. No wonder we're getting along the least. Oh, and there was a discrepancy between what Sho said Sat night, and Andrea says SUn. Sho said that she talked with Andrea for 3 hours about andrea's probs. Andrea said that she was nicely telling Shoshana her side of everything. So, we figure Derek's next on the talk list anyways.

So, I am about to do errands (everybody is gone, whew!) when Derek IMs me, FUCK. Oh well I needed to talk to him about stuff. Miscommunication abound in that conversation, and so I leave. I go on my errands, and tell everybody to meet me in the Mug. Well, we're late because Andrea was late in her shower, and we go to the theater. Before this, Shoshana calls, whining because I won't pick her up. I tell her tough, she can walk or drive. She said that Greg had stated interest in coming, but Greg said that she hadn't asked him until it was almost time to leave. She lies so badly. (cont)

So, (i need better conjunctions) we go to the theater, where we don't see Shoshana or Greg. They went into the 8:15 show, but we didn't get there until 8:23, and we weren't going to miss the Star Wars trailer. So, we go to the 8:45 show. She leaves a message, but we all go back to our respective homes and then she gives the talk to Derek over IM. I dunno if this is better or worse. I think it is better because you can still use your computer during her dramatically long pauses (she needs a better script writer or director) and you can't hear her crying (very badly i might add, no oscar for her). But, he said every now and then she would pop up messages of depression. Well, I have a song for her...it may have helpful hints for her. Track 10, Demon Knight soundtrack: Gravediggaz, "1-800-Suicide." That was mean, but I don't care.

Today sucked too, but it was nowhere near as bad as the weekend. And I got my power plug for my CD-RW. YAY. To get back to HW.

Today's thought: "I hurt myself today." (dedication)

"I don't control minds I free them." - Star Trek V

11/05/01 Jerry Springer as Ringmaster!
I feel as if I am the ringmaster of our circle of friends. Especially yesterday. Fuck did the shit hit the fan in 24 hours. Lets start with right after I posted. At 4 am, Shoshana comes in NEEDING to talk. She hadn't read my post yet obviously. She tried eking out some emotions out of me. Like that was ever going to happen. I basically said that "Hey, don't cry at me anymore. You were once welcome to, but that is long ago." SO, basically I kind of dumped her on Derek as a last resort. I feel bad, but it is true. He is her last hope in all honesty. I stopped caring. I am pretty sure that Andrea has stopped caring. And Derek is borderline. Then she said that she had a sense of foreboding about the group. This means that she will be excluded if she doesn't shape up. Maybe she is clinically depressed or bi-polar. I'd say she needs medication, but she is so hopped up on various pills and drugs that it wouldn't be such a good thing.

So, anyways, the conversation fades into general chit-chat. Which is much better. We talk about Andrea's and Derek's problems and then classes and such. Whatever. SO, I get up the next day, and start fucking around on the computer. We, as a group (fuck) are going to see Monsters

upgrade the memory to 192 MB. That is triple what I have right now. In preparation for doing this, I will reformat the hard drive. That is going to be a big overhaul, and this is going to be cool. My computer will run faster and everything will be nice and neat and shit. I love reformatting my hard drive. It is so fun.

Also, tonight at the library was bizarre. I started with some techno, then gradually moved through rock and industrial. Eventually I played Skinny Puppy. That was cool. I am also obsessing over the Mortal Kombat: Annihilation soundtrack. I am totally replaying track 8: Juno Reactor, "Congo Play" or something like that. It fucking rocks. It is great to drive to. It has a driving beat and it just pumps out the sound.

So, at work, and the end of my shift, this girl comes in to debate. I think that was her whole intent. She said that she came by at 11:59 yesterday (when I wasn't working) and that the library was closed. So, she couldn't return her movie. She then was trying to get out of the fine, but later said that it wasn't the money that counted, it was the principle. Yeah, like that is going to make me believe her or release her fines. I want money. I am a dirty rotten scoundral who wants his christmas bonus. So, I was mean and told her that she couldn't prove her case and such.

I also found out, exam in math is on next Monday. That means, I will have to go to office hours to get some explanations for Chapter 4 and why it sucks so much. IT SUCKS IT SUCKS IT SUCKS.

Well, I guess I am cutting this short to go to bed.

Today's thought: "That is the most pretentios crap I've ever heard." - Time Code

11/06/01 Time Code
Well, here I am, just finished watching 'Time Code.' If you are an aspiring film editor, you should really enjoy this movie. This is the movie which is filmed in four continuous takes and then slammed into the four corners of the screen. The sound mix is the only editing that they do for you. On the DVD, you are even allowed to choose your own mix, but the music stays the same. And, I was thinking. Why can't I see life like that? Why, when I close my eyes, can't I see Shoshana in the upper left, Derek in the lower left, Andrea in the lower right, and Greg in the upper right (or somebody else...my own choice). Then I could tell who was lying, and who wasn't. It would be kick ass.

Also, avid readers of this column may not know this but I will be in a play at the good 'ol UofM. The play is R.U.R. (Rossum's Universal Robots) and I play Fabry. It is a rather sizable role for an aerospace engineer and a first time actor. I couldn't go to tonight's rehearsal, nor tomorrow's because I couldn't find a replacement for my work at the Bursley Library. I feel really bad since I am the least experienced, I am sure, but I couldn't help it. I also found out that my computer (please don't get angry and freeze) will cost $70-80 (cont)

11/10/01 Prelude
Well this weekend has rocked and sucked at the same time. Just letting y'all know I am still alive. Also, fun fact: throughout Fear and Loating in Las Vegas, Johnny Depp has a ring of white powder on his nose. Only noticable on the big screen.

Today's thought: "There goes one of God's prototypes, not fit for mass-production." - Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

But first, I have to pack. I pack and my Dad comes online. So, I talk to him, and feel bad because I had to do homework yesterday instead of going to my cousin's 15th birthday party. Very big in Mexican culture, but I'm more American, so I didn't get it.

Anyways, I leave to go to the party, and I get there. I have a few drinks, and talk to people. Currently it was only two people i didn't really know, Jessica, Jenn, Becky, chris, Ryan, and some guy i forot and two girls I know, but I am not sure their names. I get there, and it is the usual chill talk party. Jessica is being stalked by this Kroger bagboy (22 yr old) that she went on a date with, only to find out he has a fiancee. Now that's humor. But he stalks her by saying that he walked by her apartment and such before. So, we prank them a few times. That was fun.

Speaking of scary stalker types, Jenn is in some sort of mind-fuck relationship with Austin. He has been calling her his girlfriend. And he has said that she is unresponsive to his attempts to make conversation. He has tried to make out wih her, but she has refused. However, at the party, before Austin arrives, Jenn confides in I and Becky that Austin is being psycho scary stalker type. He is practically obsessing over her. (notice the obsession parallels in my life). (cont)

He goes to her house and lies on the floor not talking for hours at a time. He doesn't talk to her even about things he knows about. She is worried that it will turn scary soon. She says that she doesn't want a relationship. Well, Becky leaves the Audtin talk to me. I have talked about so many fucked up relationships that I don't want one for myself anymore. Leave me the fuck alone people. Anyways, Ausin gives conflicting stories. I told him that they need to talk about where they both were in their respective places in relationships. Add to this that Austin has never had a girlfriend, and it sounds almost like Middle School type antics. Hopefully I know enough from WOM and movies to know what to do if I ever have one. So, the night ends, and i go home.

I think that I will leave Saturday and Sunday for my next column, mainly because i am running out of room. But I saw Waking Life, and you should too.

Today's thought: "look to the right." - Waking Life

11/11/01 Circles
Why does live seem to keep repeating itself, and don't give me that shit about if you don't learn from history you're doomed to repeat it. I hate you all. Well, at least the ones who say that. Screw you guys, I'm going home.

Sorry about the delay. Well, Friday was the day from Hell and yet not. It all started (wavy flashback lines) when I went to work. I went to work and in 5 minutes, crises popped up. There was a girl in the editing room who didn't have a key, or paperwork, then she deleted a F/V 200 project while she was at it. Terri Sarris was also there, and very pissed off. Then people were calling wanting their camera longer, even though they had it for 8 days. Fuck them. Then some guy came in drilling me on filming techniques. I guess he was a b-school person, so it was ok, but im an aero eng, so...

Then, after that I go to see The Hudsucker Proxy. I love this movie, some don't agree, but... So, we (Derek and I) go to see it, only to find out that it is cancelled. Two for two eh? But at least I got to hang with Derek and that was fun. Although I didn't get to hang with him too much as I had a party to go to in Wixom.

But, at least i was up front with Becca about it, and she was understanding and stuff. So, she is trying to help me with it. In the meantime I have this nasty cold or allergies or some fucking shit where I am constantly coughing and making hacking sounds. I dunno.

So, play rehearsal ends, and I find out that the person at the library who works from 4-12 was in a car accident. So, she needs people to take her shift. I take her shift from 6-8. That was eventful because Bethany went shopping. She bought fucking shit. I mean the worst possible shit you can think of. The Wedding Planner, Sister Act 2, Michael Jackson's new CD, Britney Spears new CD. Ack Ack. Now its my turn. Bwah hah hah. As a library, we should not only be giving the customers what they want, but encouraging them to try new things. Try intelligent things, not the new Julia Roberts movie (who can rot in hell for all I care).

So, I, Mikhael, and Brandis all agree that she bought shit. Pure, unadulterated shit. And no rap, but I am not going to buy any either as I don't know anything about it. You'd think that the people would buy what they specialize in, i guess she specializes in crap. So, we talk, and i leave. I go to the Mug because I finally get to eat. Damn I was hungary, you get that way after not eating all day. (cont)

So, then I meet up with Shoshana. She seems happy. She is a bit rude though. At least in my opinion. I think I wrote on the Final Fantasy incident during the summer. I will check again to make sure. But, she isn't a very courteous abuser of friends' privileges. Her main worry is whether or not she'll get in free. I wanted to see the movie with Derek, but our schedules are incompatible this week, as most weeks. Hopefully he'll see it Wednesday. Maybe he'll rant in his journal, its not my place. But, we see Waking Life. That is a great movie. Waking Life is a world of dreams. It is a movie where the actual film was digitally drawn over, and everything is talked about. It has a very "Slacker" feel to it (see the movie if you haven't). I highly recommend it to the introspective viewers out there.

So, then it ends with me finally focusing on the homework and getting it done and shit. I hate homework.

Tonight I saw ACO, more on today later.

Today's thought: "I knew we'd be getting into that rotten stuff pretty soon." - Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

11/12/01 Drugs?!
So Saturday is dedicated to homework, that I never really understand. I hate all of my homework. But, I get home from after the party and just sit around trying to focus. I can only focus under pressure. I have a midterm tomorrow and whatnot, but I am writing this. Whatever.

Anyways, so I sit at home, and wait anxiously for midnight to show up. Midnight is the presentation of one of my all-time favorite movies: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. The movie rules. Derek said that he was feeling a bit tired, but it was tought shit for him as he had to see it on the big screen, and he did come with me. It was a fun experience, and the movie is awesome. Psychadelia and powdered noses. Actually, not noticable on the small screen, but obvious on the big is the cocaine powder ringing Depp's nostrils throughout parts of the movie. It was a very nice touch. So, the movie ends and I go back home.

Sunday comes along, and it proves to be a busy as fuck day. I start by going to rehearsal only to be told I can't act. No shit sherlock. I've never been in a play before, I am an aerospace engineer, I've never taken acting classes before, and acting in a movie is totally different than a play. (cont)

Last night I also wrote my paper for Full Metal Jacket. I wrote it on escape and death, and the only way out of the war is through death. I used color and camera angles and movement and all kinds of cool stuff. It hearkens more to my old style than anything else. I also studied for my midterm, which is on Thursday instead of Today, which I thought.

But, today sucked ass. First I get up for class, thinking I am having a midterm, and it turns out that there is not a midterm. So, I sit through the review session, and get a little bit out of it. Then, that ends, and I go to eat. There is nothing good to eat. Then, I go to class. Class is OK, if a little boring for ACO. I find out that there was no 21st chapter in the original British version of the novel, which is a good thing. Then I get my paper back, and I get a C. His biggest complaint was that I went over what he talked about in class. M.F.er. I had written the paper on Sunday, and he talked about the names in class on the day before the paper was due. It was a hectic week that week, and the paper is poorly written, and he probably sees it as written the night before. Essentially that is true, as I wrote it on the last possible night that I had time to write on it. So, I am going to his office hours tomorrow. Then, I go home to find that my friend Lisa is in town (stopped by while I was at class), and I am guessing that she is a bit depressed.

I don't want to talk about her relationships with her. In fact I am so sick of relationships that I do not want one of my own right now. Fuck relationships. They only bring suffering. Then I find my phone is somewhere lost in the expanse of my room, I need to find it. So, I nap, and have to go to a one-on-one rehearsal with Becca. It was very helpful, and so far is the highlight of my day. I had to miss Shrek, which pisses me off. Then, I went and got Wendy's to find that there was some Texas college movie about racism. It was purely offensive as the whites, blacks, hispanics, and asians were all stupid. They all wanted to be judged equally and shit. I laughed, was insulted, and left.

And, now I am at work, wondering was this really my day? Has it been this bad already? What is going to come next? Am I going to have to rewrite my FMJ paper? Many questions to ponder on this sucky day from hell.

Today's thought: "If disfunction is a function, then I must be some kind of genius." - Pitchshifter

11/13/01 Is the thirteenth unlucky now?
Well, yesterday was pretty cool. I did my homework, and was understanding most of it. Although, I think I did it wrong. Fuck. Oh well, its Aero 315. I have to go see my Aero 225 prof because he marks you down 4 points every time I didn't show my work. M.F.er. Do i need to write down the ratio each and every time?? But last night was A Clockwork Orange. That is a great movie. It always puts me in a good mood. Alot of the students dont understand it, or don't want to be in the right mindset for it. Alex is my hero. He is evil, but he is an attractive evil, and we all come to like/love him. If we didn't, the story would not have as much gravity as it does.

Then, discussion went surprisingly well, as most of the people in my group liked the movie. I also had a fight with one of the students at the screening over whether or not the movie needed to address the 21st chapter. I don't think that the 21st chapter is any good, nor is it necessary. It is a way for Burgess to come to terms with the amount of violence that he writes. And, he condemns the movie because he cannot come to terms with the reality of the violence he created. His stylization seperates you from the violence. Kubrick's pulls you in, and makes you witness it.

Avid readers, I know that you know that i am not a push-over, and in fact, especially during the summer, I have time to plot revenge. So, I call Greg. I feel bad for using him in such a way, but he did get a free movie out of it, and i like hanging out with him (i guess that is a benefit for me, but oh well). So, we go to Taco Bell, and see the exact same showing as the one Shoshana was planning on seeing. And, I don't call her. When I called into work, which I had to do, I only asked permimission for myself and one other (Greg), and I wasn't going to go over more. So, twists of fate, we get in line (with our Taco Bell cups no less) right behind them (well, a couple of people behind them). Shoshana sees us, and asks if she can get in for free. Of course, I, being the asshole that I am, not to mention being hurt by the fact that she was trying to use me, said no. I had already called in, and only said two. She asked why I hadn't called, and I claimed last minute decision. *bullshit* Then, she asked what we had been doing, and I say, oh "guy stuff." And Greg says "guy food for guy stuff." Greg is funny. But, then, we went into the theater, and we sat down where there were not enough empty seats for the four of us, so they couldn't sit by us. Not like I cared anyways. I was still pissed. I dunno why she is such a bitch someitmes, but she can be. Sometimes she is cool, but one of the most annoying things is she thinks she is polite.

For instance, she sent an e-mail (of apology?) to Derek, after my last post. She wrote that she didn't mean to seem like she was only using him for his tickets and stuff like that. Then, in her second paragraph, she says that she still considers him just a nice guy, and not a friend.

Back up: remember the post of Derek and Shoshana talking until 6am on a Thursday? Well, apparantly during that night, she says that she really doesn't consider him a friend, so much as just a nice guy who is compassionate to anybody. That was aggravating after listening to her bitch for 4.5-5 hours, I can imagine.

So, she apologizes about that (she heard through Andrea I imagine), except she doesn't. She considers him a nice guy who listens because he is nice. And, she wants his free tickets. Fucking bitch. She also wamted to see ACO, but didn't want to (claimed she couldn't) pay, so called Derek up the last minute to ask him (before the e-mail). No let's hang out, just I want in. In the meantime, Derek and I saw "The Man Who Wasn't There." It was great, but he didn't care for it too much. more later.

Today's thought: "It's called tact you fuckrag." - Scream

11/18/01
Well, here I am. I was depressed until I found the song I was looking for. Tone on Tails - Go! You know, the one that goes ya ya ya ya ya ya y-ya ya. I dunno, i like the song, its from my past. So, what's happened since Wednesday. Well, I kind of almost aced my math midterm, but i fucked up the first question. I did the E.C. though he probably won't like my answer enough. Amd I bet I fucked up other things. I also made my list of things to buy for the library, and it includes Juno Reactor. YAY! So, Thursday night I spend talking to Andrea and Shoshana, and I see Derek in class. I dunno, it was a there kind of week. Although some interesting things did happen.

Well, first lemme tell a story from the past. This is the Final Fantasy story I promised last post. In July, Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within was released. I and Shoshana had set a date to go, kind of. So, on that day, I call her, and she is like, well I wanna go still, but I am gonna hang with Jenna before hand, so if you do go, call me before you go. I ask her if I can go with her to hang with Jenna, and she says no. She said that it was sort of a girls night and they were talking of girl things. But, that I can still give her a call, and get her in free.

So, the rest of the weekend was weird. Friday I went to rehearsal, then I and Derek went to Citi Club. That place is my haven from the world of the normal. I need to go there more often and just dance. It's only $4 to get in, so its not horrible expensive. That's where I heard the afore mentioned song (Go!).

Saturday was The Man Who Wasn't There. I love the Coen Bros. They tell really good sordid tales. I mean, this one is one of the best film noir pics ever, especially in recent years. The only thing is that it is relatively slow moving, but I don't begrudge it for that. It is about a plan going awry, a plan of easy money, murder, sex, obsession, lies, and a bit of Lolita thrown in for good measure. I highly recommend it.

In other news, I personally think that I am doing a better job in R.U.R. I feel bad that I missed last night's rehearsal. But, I had class that I couldn't miss. I am going to talk to Bauland and see if I can meet next week with the Tuesday discussion group, but I still won't make it to rehearsal until long after 9, like 9:15, 9:20, and right now rehearsal is scheduled only until 10. I WILL see Full Metal Jacket this year. I WILL NOT miss it for anything. This will be my third or fourth attempt at watching this movie on the big screen. I still haven't because of sell outs or

extenuating circumstances.

So, the library has some cool shit now. Juno Reactor, Manson, Godhead, Linkin Park, Basement Jaxx...I am so happy. I get to listen to it tonight. Speaking of the library, I discovered that the bane of my library existance, Makhael, is in the same discussion section as Andrea. He used to be loud and opinionated, btu now he is quiet. He keeps saying how he relates to the GSI because he is from the ghetto. How fucking pitiful is it when you depend on your skin color for your personality?

And, finally, the Continuing chronicles of Shoshana. Apparently Sunday night around 4:30am, she calls Derek to clarify that she does not think of him as a friend, but as a nice guy. Lemme repeat: "It's called tact, you fuckrag." I told Derek, next time she calls in the wee hours of the morning crying he should hang up, or at least slam the phone against the desk and hang up. Especially if he isn't her 'friend.' Maybe being a nice guy is better than being a friend...heh. She should clarify that one.

Today's thought: "You should never underestimate the predictability of stupidity." - Snatch

11/20/01 Reformatting finished
YAY! I finished reformatting my computer. It was feeling very sick because I hadn't done a complete wipeout in 1.5 years. Now, normal people would be like, you actually erased your whole harddrive?! And, I have to say this has been a long stretch since I have. It needed to be done. The registry must have been the length of the next Tom Clancy novel. Probably more interesting too.

I've decided to reformat every 4 months now, whether i needed it or not. i just have to remember all of my drivers and such before i kill everything. That was a major problem this time around, was that I didn't have all of the correct drivers and such, so I had shitloads of exclamation points in my system file. Then, Compaq customer support tells me the wrong audio card. I was lucky enough to find out what my video card is before I did all of this. So, in essence I reformatted 3X. Now, all I need to do is download a DVD played, and a DivX player. I also need to go get my memory, for I can finally upgrade. Yippee!!! The thing is I spent like 14 hours trying to do this simple 1.5 hour operation that would have been alot quicker if I dealt with smart people over at Compaq. It would have been nice to have good support.

I don't feel like being in my room, or at school or even in Michigan. i have been around here too much. I have been doing too much, and now I am burned out. And, why am I in aerospace engineering? Why aren't I a film student? Is it because I love math? Is it because my parents want me to? I do love math and find it ridiculously easy. I dunno. I just feel mssively dissatisfied with my career choice. Maybe I need to workout more, but I can't seem to encourage myself enough to get out there. Everytime I do, something always gets in the way of my workout schedule so I can't workout. It seems to make me happier and give me more energy. Energy. I need more of that.

I envy some of my friends. I envy Andrea because she is smart and talented in the field of film and video. I don't know where she is headed, but I am sure that it is not a desk job. I envy any arts student (performing) or anybody who is not taking a desk job. That is what it feels like i am preparing to do. I mean this is a field where you sit behind a desk and calculate every little thing. I don't want to do that. i want new and exciting things behind every minute. Maybe I should beat myself and go workout more to get myself through this trudgery so I can go work in the field. Maybe that's it, I don't know what the job will be and I am scared. More likely I am scared of being

holed up behind a desk wasting my life away. I want a better life.

So, on the lighter side, I am in a play this weekend. Its called RUR. E-mail for details. Sorry, but I am really depressed right now. I need to have better thoughts. I'll be better in a few days. just leave me alone. *sigh*

Oh journal, oh wheel of life. what thoughts are you bringing me. I want to leave.

I out.

11/29/01 Done?

Well, here I am, sitting at my keyboard. I don't want to go to any of my classes anymore. I don't really want to be in a play anymore. I really don't want to be in mIchigan anymore. I really need to go somewhere else. maybe I should have considered MIT a little bit more seriously. Who knows? All I know is that I am seriously thinking about taking my truck and running away from home. Running away seems like a good possibility for me to prove that I can be social. That I can be the great person that I might be. I may learn a bit about real life. My plans, I don't have any. I was just thinking about heading south (for winter is a cold time to sleep in the car) and getting a job somewhere. Seeing if they will pay me under the table. Then, staying long enough to get the taste of the culture before moving on. There are many states I don't want to go to, but many I do. So, I dunno. I really need to do this. I do not feel like i have lived yet. And what is living? Is it what that 5% of the population does while I am sitting here mulling over the fact that I don't take enough risks? Is it just going out there and experiencing everything, damn the consequences. I don't know. But I do know that i don't feel like being here.

And, on Sunday, other people weren't as up to par as they usually were. John seemed exhausted and such, and he is the best comic actor in the play, IMHO. So, I dunno. You should have come to see it, if you didn't.

In other news, today is a day marked by stupid people, at least here at work. It feels so good to be right when other people suck. So, I left the library WITH MY BOSS, and made photo copies of the CDs leaving a patron in here. Upon our return, she was pissed at me for leaving, and I was like "i was doing work." She then proceeded to look for her M-card, and had forgot it in her room. Irony works so well. Then, she comes back, and half-heartedly apologizes, only to find that she forgot to return The Truman Show. She owed $4 on the movie, and she was ticked at that. Of course, with her earlier display, I wasn't going to release her fine. bwah hah hah. So, then she tries getting on my good side by talking about A Clockwork Orange, and how her boyfriend liked it, but she couldn't watch it. I was thinking about bringing up the humor in the rape scenes, but though better. So, in the end, she checked it out on her friend's account, which is generally a bad thing for the friend. Also, yesterday, at work, I get a call from what sounds like a sorority girl, you know how they have those sounds you can just tell. If she wasn't, I'd be surprised.

Apparently, she had recieved an e-mail that said that she had a DV cam on her account, but she claims to have returned it. i didn't get a name or anything because we had like 20 people in the lobby at the time, and we had two people working out the different problems. She was like, "since i haven't recieved a return call, I assume that everythnig is ok, and I called at 9 am." i was like, fuck off you doss cunt, we're busy as hell, and nobody has called you because nobody has had a chance to follow up on the situation. She was pissed, but i hung up on her.

And, in final news, Derek's site (i hope not because of mine, watch the numbers fly!) is attracting too many people. It has like 325 people logged in at one time. That really sucks. I feel bad for derek. this is what he has wanted, but yet it isn't. he wanted modest numbers, but I don't think he ever wanted something where he could go to jail or get his internet taken away. he is capping off the numbers at like 50 or 100, and it is always too busy to do anything. And, some asshole actually requested rap and R&B. Morons.

Today's thought: "These are people of the land. ... You know...Morons." - Blazing Saddles.

12/04/01 better, but stupidity still reigns
Here I am at work, procrastinating my paper. I am writing on Eyes Wide Shut. I don't like the paper. I have to fill in 5 pages of tripe. I need to spread my words. I think I am having two foci on the paper, and this might not be good.

Anyways, on to the rest of my life. That last post was really strange. I know why I did it, and I thank you all for your concern. I was OK the next day of so. I think the fact that I was dehydrating myself didn't help my situation. So, I give a big warm-hearted thanks to those who cared enough to write, and such.

This weekend I was in R.U.R. I sucked. I think my best performance was on Sunday. Though, the best overall performance was Friday night. Saturday night sucked, as I was flubbing my lines everywhere, and totally killinf everything. It was tripping galore that night as well, including two trips, and a knocking into a bench, which led to a broken glass. I was one of the trippers, and I caused the other. I acidentally connected the lamp and the knob thingy too well, and it wouldn't disconnect, thus creating a low line, tripping people trying to walk in the general direction, oops.

diet and exercise routine. Great. Just what I needed, a guilt trip. Then, I haven't gotten ahold of my father, who seems to be MIA, and I still haven't gotten the registration for the truck or my tuition. I do wish he'd be more responsable. But, where do you think I get it from? On top of this, I am starting to hate my classes again. I have been going, and don't plan on stopping this semester.

Add to this, the stress of my jobs, and a social life. And, the fact that I have no music for my homework at home. I am in hell. I have to settle to waking up to my CDs at home, i have no more weird Rexradio industrial.

And, Andrea said she has very few stable relationships. She laments this, and I worry that she doesn't consider my friendship stable. I am just as paranoid about that type of thing as she is. But, at least I am making up with Shoshana (made up?). I like hanging out with her, as long as we don't have depressing conversations. I have enough problems of my own thank you.

People in the general world don't like me, but what's new. I need to go hide and diet and workout and come out somebody who has a decent body and good health. But, at least I am not sick like Derek. Poor derek, he seems to be having some sort of permanent illness.

In better news, we did finally order from Baker and Taylor, but in depressing news, have not recieved a confirmation. I am worrying that all that info is lost. Hopefully not, but still. And, I am becoming friends with Justin. Hopefully we can hang out eventually. He is the partying type, whom i need more friends of. I want to go to a party, or at least drink myself into oblivion. Maybe ill do that tomorrow night. Fuck my early wake up call.

And, in more better news, I am also learning Maya. Wheeee! I like Maya. We are making a demented seal. I am thinking, if I get good enough, I will make it bounce a baby instead of a ball, and have the baby drown. Im demented like that. Grrrrrrrr.

So, I hope I have better things to say next time. Maybe things will look up, but I am guessing not. I am soooooo bummed. Oh well, violence always cures that, and I have much violence at home, maybe Ill just watch Being John Malkovich. Laughing at others depression seems to help.

Today's thought: "Nothing helps a bad mood like spreading it around." - Calvin and Hobbes.

01/29/02
Back in the Doldrums

I really should be updating this fucker when I am happy, but instead you guys get to hear the angst of my life. So, in the past two months, I have been happy generally. Going to City Club more often, hanging with Andrea, although she is getting depressed lately as well. I dunno, maybe its the weather. Maybe I am sick. X-mas was OK. A bit dull, but I wanted that. I want a dull life on break. But, I got a bike, which I intend on using more often, if only i could get my ass moving in the morning. I have used it a few times.

So, depressing things abound lately. First, my computer takes a Hard Drive crash. No more home computer for Chris. No more late night talks (unless i am at work) online, no more this that or the other. At least until i buy another HD. Also, B-movie festival fell through last minute, which pissed me off to no end. I really wanted to go escape in a theater for a day. And see Pink Flamingos. Maybe there'll be a good movie in Birmingham on Friday. Friday is also Fargo and Saturday is The Wall.

Sunday, I found out my Uncle has diabetes, full-blown. So, I got a lecture about my

be cool. Shoshana will be there, and Derek is coming. First time for him. Tomorrow is Super Bowl Sunday (commercials!!!!). I will be going to work at the library from 8:00 on. I wish there was a sober person to drive me.

Also of note, later this month Static X, and Carl Cox are coming in to detroit. YAY! I love Static X, and Carl Cox. Shosh expressed interest in the latter, Andrea and derek in the former. Graves in the latter. Speaking of Graves, he is so weird. He loves coding, but nothing else. He is the biggest Microsoft fanatic. I dunno, I think he loves Microsoft more than his mother. I also think that he only does sex in the missionary position. He is experimental only in one way; drugs. I guess that's kind of cool and all, but I think that experimenting in drugs and techno only is kind of strange, at least it is atypical. I wish I could get him to expand his horizons, and Derek has since given up on him.

More days of suck have also happened since my last entry. My M-Card broke, and the fuicking bitch at the Entree Plus office was like, no you can't have the same picture. Everybody knows that that picture was a source of pride and joy, and probably one of the few documents that still reminds everybody of the time I had red hair. Not to mention it was a joyous picture. But, my new

picture is all pissy and angry. I dunno, I rather thought it was fun to try and break the camera (or at least the camera lady) with my glare.

In final news, if you know any females that I don't know, please tell them that they can be in my next movie. I decided that I want to do the next movie not the one I just recently wrote, but the one which has like 10 characters. I figure I can at least film half now and half later. I need 5 girls in it. I don't care if they are older (not above 25 though), and there is no nudity requirements. Unlike the men, whom I need a few of as well. I really would like to populate my movie with the beautiful types mainly because everybody in the movie is ugly on the outside. So, I need 5 females and 5 males.

Today's Thought: "That's when you know you found someone special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably share silence." - Pulp Fiction

02/02/02 Fun typing date alert!

I have been losing my mind lately. I hate having no computer. So, in the past few days, I have hung with Derek alot. Its hard not having AIM. Damn fucking addictions. I am also starting to manipulate shit on Photoshop just for fun/out of boredom on his computer. Like, I am doing Sylvia's picture again. I am giving her a kick-ass background, and I hope she likes it. If not, we can always change it back to your basic white.

I get a hard drive on Tuesday, which means that by Wednesday I should be back up and running. I can't wait. I have been hanging with Derek because my room is boring without my computer. I don't have any good music that isn't on my computer, i have to do homework, I don't have normal means of communication and I am starting to feel like a leech. I feel so bad. He feels like he has to entertain me or something, but I told him he doesn't. He can just fall asleep on the couch for all I care, as long as I can have good music. hehehe. Actually, he is good company, and i need more friends that I can just hang around in silence.

Pink Floyd's the Wall is tonight, so that will

Yep, it was just me and Shoshana. It was fun though. Dark-ish club (seemed tons brighter since last time i was there, but still very cool until the end) called Wired. They had these green lasers that were fun. The DJ was really cool until the end when he started playing all of these female singer pop-techno songs that all sounded like a cross between Amber and Kernkraft 400, until Kernkraft dropped out. The other thing that started bugging me was they started using a strobe like light that only flashed 1-2X per second. Very annoying on the eyes.

Then, we played in the park. They have a section of the park that is made up like a road with stop signs. That was fun, Shosh rode in a car and on the slide. We went under the lighted tunnel. Then, we went off to City Club. We had been dancing at Wired for 2.5-3 hours, then we go to City Club from 3-4:30 am. That was fun. Then, stupid me went East instead of West to go home, and didn't realize anything because of a fucking detour. When my gas tank was almost empty was when I noticed where we were, so I was 80 miles away from AA. FUN FUN FUN. Fuck,

City Club was good at the beginning. A nice mix, went from good techno to some gothic back to techno back to gothic then to crappy techno. CRAPPY TECHNO. Jenine should

die a horrible death. I know more better songs than her. Not to mention, it feels that CC is being turned into a techno club. And, while I don't mind techno, as the previous bar experience should tell you, there is a time and place for everything. I wanted less techno and more guitars and industrial. Skinny Puppy, Ministry, Wumpscut, dark tones. GRRRRRRRR. And when the dance floor was thinning out, the music got worse, so when we had room to dance, there was nothing to dance to.

Now, I am realizing I haven't gotten out of bed yet (hell, I have only been here for less than 12 hours and downloading music and stuff), and have not eaten yet. Wednesday, I and shoshana plan to go to see The Business of Strangers and then go to the Necto. If they still have their rewind wednesdays. Other plans for the week haven't been made, except Static-X is on Saturday, Carl Cox is next week, and I finally got ahold of J last night. He better fucking call. I like hanging with people who aren't like the Cambridge people once in a while. Oh well, time to go to work.

Oh, and Derek, yes we were leaving you alone because we thought you were mad at us. At least that was my reason, I was gonna call for Justins ph.#. no room for TT.

02/10/02 mmmm...K

This week has been weird. I finally got my Hard drive back in business. YAY!!!! It seems to be working perfectly after a long ass adventure of trying to uninstall Win2000 without a boot disk and a bottable WIn98 disk. And, I added some patches, so it hasn't fucked up lately. This is a good thing.

Also, this week, I think that the month of November and December hit me kind of hard so I decided to be social this month. So, I have been in Cambridge house lately. I should find more friends to hang with, but I just generally am an anti-social person. Oh well. But, the thing is, we always either gravitate towards Graves' room, or more recently, Derek's room. Derek doesn't seem to be happy about this. I know it feels good to have some time to yourself and such, but I like people coming over. Except when I am majorly in a state of depression. But, he doesn't seem to depressed, just overwhelmed by people and attention.

So, there is that. Also, last night I went to Canada. Didn't drink much. I had a Coors Light (a misinterpreted order of Goldschlager, but oh well) and a shot of Goldschlager. Shoshana had a Long Island.

a good night. (BTW, Austin, I got you a shirt).
We then went home. We also stopped at a lot of porn places. The porn videos were fun. Lots of great and some disturbing titles. Grandpa and a teen type videos and such. whee. What was fun was some of the places had family videos then lube and sex items.

Monday we walked around alot. We made our first stop at the Empire State Building. I also believe that this was the night we saw Storytelling. I love Todd Solondz. Grr Michigan theater for getting it after I paid $10 to see it b/c they weren't. We also went to Toys R Us where they had a ferris wheel, which I would ride with Shoshana later in the week.

Tuesday we stopped at MoMA (Modern art). Very cool stuff. Some of it was very chaotic and cool looking. We also saw Stomp tonight. yay percussion. I think we stopped at kim's this day (A video store).

Wednesday we finally met Shoshana. We walked around alot. We tried to find places to escape the cold. Toys R Us was cool, especially with the Ferris Wheel. Then we met with her cousin. I had some happy cookies her cousin made. Shoshana got her belly button pierced. I love the piercing. Very cool looking. And we stopped at some cool places. Shoshana also

found her way to a fetish party and made some connections. We saw ground zero tonight as well.

Thursday was lazy day. We got in the city late and saw rent. Thank you Shoshana and Jenna for getting there earlier. Front row and center seats for $20. Sigh. After that we went to Jenna's place to chill, then we headed back home.

Friday, we started kind of late and then tried to go see something. We decided that we didn't want to see what was out there, and ended up seeing Scratch. What a cool documentary. But before that we ran into Shoshana and Jenna and we went to a drag restaurant called Lucky Cheng. Good food, expensive as all hell though. Shoshana and Jenna got tickets to Justine's (an S&M place) because the waitress didn't tell them that the bar drinks were cash only. Then we saw RHPS in NYC. The crowd was so small. They said that they had been selling out all week too. Then I went to Vinyl by myself because we had to leave in the morning. Derek wanted some sleep. I got home around 7. I also saw the sunrise from the L. And then we came home by Saturday evening.

03/04/02 New York good stuff
Well I am back from Spring Break. I promised myself I would start with the good news. Everything started off great. We drove (we being Derek and I) to New York on Saturday. We arrived late night where we found Mrs. Graves. She is such a cool lady. She likes my pseudonym "Crazy Chris." Since Graves wasn't home and we didn't want to disturb the house, we stayed in, and I installed Office on my computer.

Before we left for the trip, I had to reformat my hard drive due to technical difficulties with installing my CD-RW. But, it is installed now and I have burned 20+ discs. More to come.

So, getting into New York was fun, I love driving through their freeway system. I am such the A-type personality. So, on Sunday we met the Graves family, and they had a family dinner. It was so cool, it was like my family. Chaos. Everybody talking at once, being occupied by something or another. I felt right at home. And when they tried to give directions, just take it all in, then interpret everything later. Yay :).

Also on Sunday, we went to see the Upright Citizens Brigade. My heros. Only Amy was there that night, but everybody was having

it comes to recieving...well. I dunno, its kind of like my Grandma. I make fun of my parents and they rip on me all the time, and my Gram will try to jab, and i wll do the same. But, I think my mind is too vicious for Gram, so she feels bad, which makes me feel bad.

So, Derek is feeling bad because we make fun of him, and I feel bad for that. Even though I seem to be in the minority on many of my opinions, I make my voice seem as authoritative as possible. And, I do listen to some of his opinions, though I may disregard them at first. I have a huge ego and I don't automatically take everything in. Im weird like that.

But this whole thing stems from Derek being a Star Wars fanboy liking Ep. 1, while I respect the first series, but think that Ep. 1 is a POS. And, I will make fun of Ep. 2 if it deserves it. Same with Shoshana, who is more sci-fi than I, and he felt we were aiming it at him and SW fanpeople in general. But, we were more critizing the fact that Ep. 2 will probably be a POS like Ep 1 because Lucas sucks my ass-mar and should just donate his money to movies.

He also seemed dejected at lunch today, mainly when the conversation turned to drugs. That was kind of my fault, and he hates drugs. But,

oh well. On his LJ, he felt bad about not going to smoke Cigars with Justin at La Dolce Vita. He didn't go because he didn't want to hear me bitch. But, the reason I bitch is he complains about people smoking cigarettes or anything else other than Cigarsand drinking. This backwards mentality makes me cringe, and also makes me think that he is another senseless victim of the media, in that Cigars are less harmful than anything else, and that they are classy or something. I dunno.

Either way, I am dwelling again, and feeling bad. I need a more halcyon lifestyle, but that will never happen. We're in real life. :) But, I have been happier of late. Not caring, no stress, liking my chaos. My only lament is I haven't worked out. Maybe I should just dance for an hour around 2 am. It may help me sleep at night. :). I like dancing.

Which reminds me, we went to Space, a crappy club in NY that was way too expensive for it's own good. Remind me never to go there again. Crappy music (House), but Derek liked it, shows that were dumb, crappy guys with glowsticks. All the makings of a bad club. Why can't Motor have the size of a club of Space. That would rock my world.

04/24/02 Happy but bitching
Well, school is almost over. One more final that I don't give a shit about. But, I am so happy. I am becoming a projectionist at AMC Livonia 20 this summer. That'll be fun. I am also going to be working at the library.

But, I wonder if I and Derek aren't growing apart or something. He seems to be going deeper into his shell, and it is really strange, especially since he seems to have more and more friends. But, more and more things are bugging him as of late. I dunno what to do. He doesn't want to talk to me, mainly because my way of dealing with my problems are belittling them. So, that's how I am able to deal with others's problems. I want to help him, but what to do.

One of the weird things is he takes everything so personally. Most of my friendships are based on animal instincts, mutual mocking, and having fun/sharing tastes, etc. I dunno, I make fun of Shoshana, expecting her to make fun of me. I make fun of Derek expecting him to make fun of me. Shoshana takes the abuse, expecting to be able to give it back. But it is all in good fun, at least that's what we think. But, Derek can dish it, but when

at my place, but it is kind of out of the way. I think it would be fun though.

All of my work places are kind of boring. The most entertaining one seems to be the projectionist one. The library is getting frustrating. I hate high schoolers. And I am back at LSA Media again, but that is slow.

I keep thinking about making a movie, but I don't have the gumption to start it. I feel lazy. I also missed my workout because I went shopping for sheets that fit my bed. Why can't the workout place be open late at night.

I suspect I am grumpy because I am tired and I am tired because I haven't been working out regularly. And, not eating right. I am also thinking of going to Meijer's tonight, but my car is kind of far away. But, it gives me something to do.

I also don't know how to be social. Maybe, if I just went out to the Diag and held a sign "Will you be my friend?" that would work. Heh, yeah right. I wish that Ann Arbor had more than just the Necto and the Firefly Club to go to after hours. Maybe I will go to Firefly tonight, but I don't know where it is, and it is almost midnight. I think it is down by the Fleetwood

So, Summer has been dull. My website is past 1000 now. Whoopee. I need a life. If anybody reads this and can act and wants to act and is in the AA area, please don't hesitate to write me. I need 5 guys and 5 girls (preferably btw the ages of 20-26). It won't be a long movie. Maybe I'll make some posters and put them up around campus or something.

Anyways, I am outta here.

06/18/02 Underage blues
Well, its summer. Everybody else is 21+ and here I am, underage, and suffering. Derek is 21. He is going to get drinks tonight. I remember him once saying that he wasn't ever going to drink again, even after he turns 21. While I am all for him drinking, he better not complain about anybody else drinking, even in excess. I hate hypocrites.

He does complain about stuff like that too, and it ticks me off sometimes. He gripes about people not respecting others (a true statement) and alcohol being the root of all evils. Or at least most of the ones in college. (Note: I am only slightly exaggerating here).

And, every now and then I notice more hypocritical stuff about him and I get tired of it easily. Why do people have to be of the type "do what i say not what i do."

Anyways, in other news I went to a party last week. That was a fun party. But, I got there late as there was a stopped train on the tway over. GRAWR to stopped trains. I was the last one to arrive and I was only there for an hour and a half. This was also due to work. I wish I could have been there earlier. I am thinking of throwing a party

But, when I get home from work, I hear the story. Derek laments the fact that Shoshana got mad at him for moving her shit. And, I get mad at him too. He complains that we "don't respect him and his standards of cleanliness." You know what: 1) We DON'T have the same standards of cleanliness as him, and 2) without him telling us what's bugging him, how are we supposed to know? He doesn't communicate anything, and he lets things bottle up until he finally ges royally pissed off and moves something that is not his.

I keep telling him, he needs to vocalize when something is bothering him. He says that if something is left for over a week on a surface that should be clear, it becomes clutter, and he can then move it. FUCK THAT. A table is supposed to be immaculate??? Apparently for him it is. Now, its not like we have any food stuffs lying around. Some crumbs on the floor maybe, but we don't have a vaccum. It's just stuff lying around, but far from forgotten.

Both I and Shoshana had parents who would actually come in and start cleaning out rooms if they deemed it to be worse than their standards. We both hated it. So, we never thought we would have to deal with again. But, how wrong we were.

The other thing is that he doesn't realize how

inconsiderate he is. He thinks that he is completely in the right. I think that he just likes to be self-suffering. Hence, my intro with the hatred of gothic culture. They like to bring their misery on themselves then blame other people for it. He takes on too much and then blames everybody else for not doing anything.

They are so whiny and self-centered it is irritating. The other goths that I am familiar are pretty hypocritical. More of the do as i say, not as I do type. It is so irritatting. I wish that they would just do as they claim they do. I wish that they could be much cooler.

And less whiny.

Today's thought: "Take pleasure in my hurt." - Oh My Goth

06/25/02 Communication: Oh My Goth
I'm starting to resent the goth culture. Or at least the people that act really goth. Derek is one of them. He is starting to become whiny, self-centered, and completely blind to everything around him. GRAWR.

Last night, without any advance notice, Derek has a "dinner party" with Justin. So, he cleans up the place more than normal. Now, both I and Shoshana like clutter. Organization sucks. And, we both hate having somebody touch our shit.

So, in order to clean for the "dinner party" he clears off most of the table. Before this, Shoshana has a sewing machine and fabric covering parts of the table. Thisapparently has been bothering Derek. But, for the dinner, he pushes it to one side of the table.

The problem is, Shoshana was in her room when he did this, and he never asked her if he could move it. He also never told her that it was bothering him that it was there, and he never told her that he was having company, and to please move your stuff. So, she gets mad, and shows it obviously. By the time she sees it, Justin is already over, and she doesn't want to start a fight...neither does Derek.