Hellfire's previous thoughts: 01/09/01-current

01-09-01
Well, here we go again. Two topics for today: homosexuality and egotism.

I guess that I will start with my ego. I can make a good transition to it. I had a friend read my previous thoughts, and he commented on the fact that I used non-existant words. Hypocriticality is apparently not a word, yet it precisely defines what I wanted to say. Hypocrisy was not thoguht of, mainly because it wasn't exact enough. As an engineer, I think that I can make up new words, as long as the rest of it seems ok.

Now, that's ego. Saying that I am the master of the whole english language takes alot of guts. I can create words with a touch of my keyboard. And they are correct dammit. So, anyways I have a big enough ego to be secure in my sexuality. And, I flount my security in the forms of talk and motions that could be construed as homosexual.

Which leads me to my other topic of the day. First...it's story time. On Saturday, I kissed a guy...on the cheek...for five dollars. If it was on the lips, i would have gotten liquor. The story is that we went to a party where I didn't integrate myself, and it was small. It got kind of boring, as I didn't talk to anybody but the people I came with. So, my friend, noticing I was bored, made a bet with me to give me alcohol if I would kiss another of our friends on the lips. So, being secure, having a big ego, craving alcohol, and knowing it to be entertaining, I went up to him, and kissed him. He dodged too quickly, and i only got his cheek, and five dollars. Also, he was talking to a girl, who was not sending signals, and she was freaked out.

So, the thing that got me was the homophobia of the situation. The kissee is not exactly the most homophobic guy I know. That would be taken up by the romantic. (Hey, if you can guess who is who according to my pictures, I will mention your name...and you can't know me). While I didn't expect to be well recepted, most people are getting more and more homophobic, i dunno if it is for humor, or effect, but... Then again, I am usually the instigator of this, so I am kind of biased in my opinion.

P.S. Send me responses and requests for topics. And comments to anything. Just write me, I promise to respond.

Today's thought: "If there's anything more important than my ego around here, I want it caught and shot now!" - The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

01-15-01
Sorry I haven't written in forever, but I have been extremely busy. I have started a workout regiment. Which I desperately need. I also have been working, going to class, doing my homework, and trying to be active in my fraternity. And they say I am an introvert.

Actually, I am one of the biggest introverts if I don't know anybody or am uncomfortable. If I know you, I am an extrovert. No doubt about that. Hell, I'm writing to you, ain't I?

So, interesting things to write about this week. First, Friday was a good day. Everything good happened on Friday. It started good by me going to class, kept going good, I slept, and worked out, and finished good, I had a swell night (with the exception of a bad movie watcher...i dunno if that will be further expanded upon). Saturday I had a good day, I bought a new wardrobe at Value World. Great store, then drank a case of lemonade. Got a nice buzz from that. Sunday was an interesting night that may need expansion. And today was a good day.

But, I am getting kind of tired. Its like almost four am. So, I will stop writing now. Deeper conversations will happen tomorrow. I am still debating btw family matters or social thoughts or private issues. Tell me what you want you ingrateful little...

Today's thought: Conversely, everything happens inconsequentially.

If that sounds deep, it's because i used big words.

01-22-01
Well, I have so much to tell you guys about today. I honestly don't know where to start. I guess that I should really start with the weekend, and work from there. This weekend, I went to Lansing. I went to MSU. This weekend, I also got pierced. I got two piercings, one in my left ear (12 gauge, ring), and one in my right eyebrow (16 guage curved bar). I think i should have gone colored, but that's for later.

Anyways, I like the way that piercings look. They have a very distinct style and set of commands that go with them, especially if not the ears. The tongue and the belly button or somewhat close, but not completely. So, I got a piercing. Me, the fratboy. The non-typical, break down the walls of the stereotypes person. But, I think the way I look.

However, a couple of others do not feel the same way. They are called conservatives. One had a more joking reaction to the piercings (much like my hat, if I mentioned it before), but the other one went flying off the handle. He is what I would consider an ultra-conservative who is opposed to so much non-vanilla. He is totally unaccepting of anything different. I think that it is a phobia, but he claims that he isn't scared or threatened by it. (I thinketh the lady doth protest to much.)

So, he said that the piercing reflected badly not only on me (who doesn't seem to have a problem with it), but on him, and the whole fraternity for a) accepting alternative styles, and b) hanging out with them. Think of the irony of that statement. IOW, he is saying that its better to be a well-standing citizen of the 50s standards and a stereotyping biased asshole than to be a frowned upon accepting citizen of other cultures that are not what he belongs to. That just seems to strike me as kind of disturbing in this day of age. That kind of belief system will lead to hatred and bigotry of not only your friends, and the people whom you associate with, but the world in genera, causing you to become a bitter old man against youth. I hope I never hate youth culture.

And, some final words. I don't have anything against preppy culture. If I did, I would be undermining the fraternity, and bringing the whole system to its knees. But, I am bringing in guys...making the effort to at least...all while not completely conforming. What is it about non-conformists that scares everybody else? Is it just the fact that we're different, or is it that they are afraid that we can't be just written off. A phobia of some sort. So, if you don't want to know me anymore, then don't, but if you do, then do. Just don't shove your all-american shit-for-brains 50's-culture stereotypical narrow-minded values in my face, and ask me to accept them, if you can't.

Today's thought: "See, you're afraid that they won't take you, you don't belong, so you have to just dump all over it." - The Breakfast Club

01-23-01
Some cool advance news. First, my cousin Andrea will be a guest writer for my thought page sometime soon. Hopefully tomorrow. This is good, because it keeps this thing updated more frequently. This shouldn't be common. Also, today's topic comes courtesy of Derek Camp (www.janusmachine.com).

Today's topic: music and descriptions. As some of you know, I have semi-diverse music tastes (no country thank you). There was a song, a fluke I thought, that I would describe as hard or scratchy, especially by the end. The song is "Closer to God" by NIN. This is the first track on the single. Today, D-Camp thought of a song by Front Line Assembly (Bar Code, and Mortal from Hard Wired) as wet. So, I have come up with some terms that I would generally use to describe a song, or music.

Wet. Characterized by sounds that are short and high. The go high in the end, and taper off in tone and pitch quickly. Sort of the "Squish" sound of slimy aliens, or soapy hands. Examples: Mortal and Barcode by Front Line Assembly

Hard. Characterized by single short sounds. Not fluid. The song is basic with stacatto words over a staccato beat. Maybe one other layer, but generally those two layers. If it is rock, the drums are generally tied in with the bass for the sound. Everything works together in one pattern. Examples: Run DMC's It's Tricky, Ministry's Just One Fix, Marilyn Manson's Irresponsible Hate Anthem.

Smooth. Sounds that lead to one another, and are generally tied together. They have no real distinction in the song itself. Also, very refined in the studio/post mixing. Generally used in techno. The words also flow into the song as well. Examples: Underworld's Born Slippy, KMFDM's Magalomaniac, Coolio's Sumpin New, 2 Live Crew's Pop That Pussy.

Bouncy/Spongy/Rubbery. The song has two sounds two it. Generally it has a constant smooth sounding sound. And then it has an overlaying constant sound above it. Generally easy to dance to. The sounds are never completely stacatto, and the overlaying sounds drops out intermittently. Examples: MARRS's Pump Up the Volume (extended), Basement Jaxx's Red Alert, Daft Punk's Around the World, Nellie's Country Grammar.

So, tell me if these are true, and if the examples are even representative of the tangible sounds that I have described.

Today's Thought: "The truth is, I thought it mattered---I thought that music mattered. But does it?" - Brassed Off

01-24-01
There are so many topics to discuss. First, I want to talk about confidence. This is all about a girl I know. She is cute, and is a tomboy, of sorts. She is intelligent, but has a sever lack on self-confidence. I am trying to figure this out. Maybe, with permission, I will reveal who the character is, and my thoughts on potential causes. But, for now, I will leave it as anonymous and refer only to situations in generic names and terms, as I usually do.

This girl is intelligent, and interesting. One of my male friends talks to her frequently, and they haven't seen each other in the flesh yet. Yet, she doesn't have the courage to IM him on her own initiative yet. As far as I know, she hasn't been on a date, and she doesn't seem to be enthused about it. I can't complain about that, except for the fact that I want SEX, so I have to try, at least for a date. However, she doesn't want sex, so much as she wants a serious relationship.

I am also going to teach her how to dance. She claims that she doesn't know how to dance, and, therefore, ineffective at picking up guys. I told her I would teach her how to dance. I would even teach her how to grind, and feel kind of sleazy. God knows that I have felt degraded several times, but I kind of embrace that sleazy feeling, as everybody should.

Maybe all of these feelings are just my aggressiveness forcing their way onto somebody else who is close to me. However, I still think that it is necessary to survival to be brave and bold. Its necessary to not alienate yourself from society. But, I could be wrong.

An instance of this is a continuation of monday's topic. Apparently, the subject has flipped out since then at nothing. This is kind of disturbingly satisfying and funny, yet sad and depressing. I don't know why yet. I need to examine my feelings on this latest development before I write too deeply on it, but I hope somebody recognizes my feelings on the subject.

Today's thought: "Well, that's essentially how I feel about life. Full of loneliness and misery and suffering and unhappiness, and its all over much too quickly." - Annie Hall

01-29-01
Sorry for delay. Heavy topic.

I still don't know where to start, so I will take the March Hare's advice, and start at the beginning. K, first, I am a dangerous person to know, emotionally. Stop! Don't argue with that! And don't acquiesce too easily. I have been related with three incidents of depression since Thursday. The first bout was over IM. The second bout was in person. Now THAT was depressing. And the third was over IM.

This should tell me that IM is definately one of the most imperfect communication tools, or my friends just don't know me as well as I had hoped.

To start with the first one, one of my friends was depressed on Sunday, and so I was feeling concerned. But, I let him cool off, and asked him about it on Thursday. He related his stories to me, and instead of being a good listener (not saying anything decent afterwards), I sort of passed my non-judgement, and reacted to it. It was very disturbing to see myself like that, and apparently I had disturbed him too. I think that it got too deep, simply becuse I want everybody to know their own emotions, and to try to find my own through them. The emotions won't be identical, but they need some sort of reflection for knowledge. I won't go into specifics...at least not today...about the whole conversation, but I think that it was a bad thing, and wanted to apologize publicly, if he even reads this page.

The second happened drunkenly. This will definately be a bigger topic of conversation soon, but needless to say, I don't think I helped the situation much. Can't apologize though because I didn't ask for it, and I wasn't trying to fan the fire.

The third also happened over IM. This is related, just a tad, to the first. It had more to do with me putting my foot in my mouth over protections of friends than anything. But, people don't quite have the nuances of speech on IM. The smileys don't cover all of the bases. The thing is, that the third sort of got mad at me b/c of his feelings. I sort of don't know how to choose my words wisely, and many times they come off blunt, and more extreme than the situation really is. I apologize for this conversation as well.

So, I want all involved parties to IM each other, and even me saying that they read this, or something. I hope no emotions were hit too harshly, and I want to apologize again to them all. And, let me restate two things. 1) Tone everything I say down, because i talk at 11/10 (volume). 2) Nobody has been forced to do anything, and have never felt obligated (or so i hope) to do anything they never wanted to do.

Today's thought: "You're going to listen to something I said? Haven't I made it abundently clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don't know shit." - Mallrats

02-05-01
Well, I am really having qualms about tonights topic, as to whether or not to do it, so as usual I will plod through this thing.

Some people just do not get me. Apparently they do not read this column, or they just plain do not get me. The thing is, some people think that i latch onto stuff, and over-exaggerate it. Maybe, I tend to fixate on something that isn't even there. This is true. However, what some don't seem to realize how serious I am (or am not). I take everything to the extremes, but never mean anything by it.

Its storytime: Once upon a time, I did an immature thing. I was too intent on dementing a mind, and sort of forgot about everything else. Thus, maybe denying a chance of one of my friends. Then, the next week, she appeared again, but this time it was him that didn't pick up the signals. Or, at least that was mine and a friend's vision of teh scene.

So, I ragged on him for it, and kind of keep it up, a little. But, the thing is, nowadays (prolly for the past month), i haven't cared or thought about it in a serious light. However, now the friends thinks that I exaggerate and do stuff like that.

The other thing is that I am a nosy person. Honestly, I am really nosy, and I tend to put it where it doesn't belong, trying to get everybody's life story. Not that it will make a different in how I act toward them, but just to pass the time, or to make a joke or two. However, I wonder what people think of me. It is kind of a self-centered thought, but I will never be able to stop being curious. I like killing those damn cats.

I dunno, maybe this is a running contrast to my friends webpage. (we seem to be on emotionally polar opposite ends, he wrote happy, i am writing depressing, he writes depressing, I write happy, i dunno). But, what I really wanted to say was that if I have offended anyone, then fuck off. Tell me what i have done, and answer me truthfully. Go back and read the blue thought on page one of previous thoughts. I really mean that one.

And, I wonder who will take this seriously, and who thinks that i am fucking with everybody's mind. I have an ego the size of new york, yet sometimes, i have a shell as fragile as an egg.

What do you believe to be the true me?

Today's thought: "Of course I'm serious, and don't call me Shirley." - Airplane

02-08-02
I hate this time period. I have too much to do. Film a movie. 2 assignments. Four midterms. Party, and just altogether wreck havoc. But, enough about shallow bitching.

Now, for a prime example of why I don't date. Overheard on the bus was a conversation between two sorority girls. Generally I mind my own business on the bus, but this time, their voices and words were so intrusive that I couldn't help but overhear. The first thing I heard them say was something about how girl#1 hates her history class. She hates it because it is so hard because they actually ask details about World War II. Imagine that, historical details about an important event in American culture. They then went on to talk about how "rad" some guy was. His red shirt was "so radical" at a party, and he was just a "totally radical" person. He was also "totally stereotypical of the fratboy image, being tall, semi-built, and handosme. Too bad he's dating one of our sisters." Imagine, radical and stereotypical merging onto one body.

That is the intelligence that I try to avoid, and thank god that I didn't know them. If i knew them, I would have slapped them for being so stupid. I slap guys for the same reason, so this is not just a misogynistic reaction.

Next, we watched Carrie in my horror class. This was a movie that made me feel catharsis in high school. I could relate to Carrie, and thus took pleasure in the climax. Now, I can relate to both sides, and it scared me. It scared me that I would feel the need to laugh at Carrie, and that I could relate to her as well. I wish that humanity wasn't all that it was, but c'est la vie.

It's also coincedental (sp?) that Janus Machine has a topic on Columbine. The whole thing reminded me of Carrie and how she killed off her whole school. It also reminded me of a short story I wrote in high school. I am still trying to find it. It was almost exactly like the Columbine killings. I'll put it up eventually.

And finally, I am getting a roommate next year. Expect many more interesting postings. However, we have such opposing personalities and tastes that we need two seperate rooms for us. One for each. But, the only room in there is held by somebody who wants to keep it. We can rightfully take it away, but he made catches. I still don't know what I want to do, but I have this feeling that if we don't get that room, we will end up at each others throats, killing each other. So, if that is the case, and I or him don't end up in jail on charges of assualt, it will be a miracle.

Today's quote: "They're all gonna laugh at you." - Carrie

02-10-01
Sometimes, I wish I had more emotions, or less walls. Sometimes, I wish I could handle myself when seperate from myself. Sometimes, I wish a lot of impossible things. But, none will happen.

Let's start with an e-mail. I sent out an e-mail about a possible recruit to the whole gang, and since he has alot of info public (without asking him) i gave that info, and said that they could also contact me, if they were going to be a little nervous. To which, a bitter 5th year senior replied that we should just ask the pledge about himself. Well, duh. But, it was an attack against what I said. So, I replied (though this time, I did not do it publicly), by saying that he should just keep quiet about any criticisms until he helps us out this year.

This was sent privately, and I am toying with sending this e-mail publicly, just to see what opinions are on it. This is because I just recieved a call before dinner, that was him being mad at me. His most common words were "just keep your mouth shut" and "you don't know how much i have been through in the past four years." To which i reply, I DON'T CARE. I JUST DON'T CARE. So, he can shove it until he hits his tonsils for all I care.

He's obviously mistaken me for somebody who cares. Somebody who care about him or what he has to say. I don't care about him or what he has done for the fraternity. I kind of wish i did, but i have no emotions sometimes. Thus, the relevance for the first paragraph. Kind of a prelude. I just think that while I am not right all of the time, neither is anybody else, and I will call you on it, and expect to be called on it too. I expect fights, just keep them sane or rational. And, if you are going to take the aggressive standpoint against me, kindly learn how to argue without shutting anybody else off mentally. The argument held on Thursday night (different) at least kept me interested in what he had to say, so I could counter it, and i respect that. However, today's argument was something that I would have done in HIGH SCHOOL.

Reflection time: I like confrontations. They make me shake a little. Make me nervous. But make me ready for the real world. Hell, most of what I write emerges from confrontations at some point. Maybe I need to look more into why I like them. Is it some sort of pseudo-macho facade that I put on? Do I consider it fun for some other reason than sadism? Or is there something else underneath, some primal urge. Something competetive. I dunno. E-mail me if you have any ideas.

Today's thought: "Do you think people like me care about things? Maybe people like you shouldn't get close to people like me." - Twilight

A prelim:
These are what I would have liked to post during Spring Break. Maybe after a Strawberry Daquiri w/ a 151 floater, 6 kamikazes, 1 shot of aftershock, and 3 of goldschlager, these may be just tonight, but I dunno. They do reflect the spontaneous thoughts of my self. I was on Spring Break in the Bahamas, in Freeport, and Port Lucaya.

2-26-01
Well, its 10:26, and have just witnessed a wet t-shirt contest which ended with "only double D" chantings, and listening to booty music all night long. I am on the beach and that's all I want. Maybe without even a book to read (ed's note: I was at a bar on the beach), I need to be lost in my drunken thoughts. Maybe not too drunk as I am writing this on a bar napkin. The beach is so peaceful. Is that what I want life to be?

After having a sobering (?) conversation, I decided I don't know what life is all about. Everywhere I look, I see people who seem to be happy with their station in life. They know what they want, and what makes them happy. To quote a U2 song, "I still haven't found what I'm looking for."

I think that the American Dream is a crock of shit. Why? Why should I toil hard in grade/middle/high school just to toil hard in a good college? Why should I toil so hard in college just to succeed in a career?

After inspirations ranging from 10th grade to tonight, I have decided to search the world. Do I want to be an engineer and work a menial job? Sure my field intrigues me, but so do movies! Is it enough to live vicariously through movies? Why am I like this!

Do I want to murder, maim, have sex, do drugs, and have friends simply to fill a vod? I am happy and content with my fraternity and station in life, but not satisfied. Is that all I want out of life? Is satisfaction just a miserable feeling accredited to literature? I have a shit truck and am about to do what Mr. Prieskorn once suggested. (ed's note: Mr. Prieskorn was 10th grade teacher)

He told about his friend who, one day, took off and libed off the lam. He would work for rent, and gas, and live off what menial jobs he found. I dunno if this is bad or good, but I am desiring this. Maybe in Europe. I need a green card.

Maybe there is something more to life tha this. Maybe I just need to get high or laid. I dunno. Maybe thes (sic) fill the hole that "civilized modern society" leaves.

Strange thoughts on this late night in Freeport to paraphrase my 10th favorite movie. I decided to forget everything until next weekend, but I can't. I think the rest of this weekend will be filled with more sex and drunkenness. Will I enjoy it?

Today's thought: "I think I need to make a decision." - Run Lola Run

02-27-01
Disclaimer:
Actually I wrote this on the 28th, but at 10:30 when I woke up, so these thoughts belong to yesterday.

Real life metaphors/symbols, do they exist? Is so, could they mean different things for different people? This is one of the things in life i have been thinking about. From my new pair of shoes (which I have inteded to write about) to a simple lighthouse, can symbols exist? I say yes.

Background:
For some reason, on the trip, I haven't been dancing. Maybe its the music (although I kind of like the Casper Slide), I dunno. Take risks. I did and attempted to fail at swing dancing with a girl named Andi. She kissed a friend, so I went atop. There I talked to an agreeable friend about life. I think, not sure yet, I will take a year off, drive with the truck, and live life. Maybe this will lead me on the road to fulfillment.

The biggest obstacle will be my parents. Should I tell them? I dunno. I will be back in a year. But for symbolism of lighthouses, this was seen on the Booze Cruise. (such a cut little rhyming game...gag!). For one of my friends the lighthouse meant one thing. When you looked at the lighthouse when it went out, and came back, the light movied. We were on a ship. But, his symbolism was that it was his life. You looked straight at something and it was somewhere else the next time you saw it. I saw it representing my life, just a brief flash in the dark quickly forgotten.

So, after the cruise, we hook up with the girls from the cruise. I talked to one and ended up going home with her. This was after alcohol and a night walk on the beach where we were accosted by a cop.

The night was imperfect in many ways. 1. IMHO, clockblocking occurred left and right by my friends. I and her could never quite be alone, or at least with only the other couple. 2. My personality. I can't say no to friends, or make a first date move. Especially with a time limit.

So, I spent the night with he, and, now, here I am, a little more confident than before, but feeling no better.

Today's thought: "I want to know everything. I want to be everywhere. I want to fuck everyone in the world. I want to do something that matters." - nine inch nails.

02-28-01
What goes around comes around.

Where to start? Where to stop? Let's start at the beginning and continue with as little acidity as the day brought. Needless to say, this is being written the next day after toning down some of the feelings.

I woke up to hammering, and not in my head or bed. And, it wasn't my bed that I woke up in. Whose was it. It was a girl's bed in a different hotel. She was a nice girl, a RN, but I was nervous. Call it the long-time jitters. The hammering was from some sort of construction work. Looking out the window, the hotel was crumbling and dirty, much like my life.

Later, we awoke again, and went to the hotel where we found out that we were forced to stay inside because we were locked out. Watched "Heathers" on USA. Heavily edited, which was frustrating. Saw unedited version just two weeks ago for class. Got free dinner, got alkie. Went to club with aforementioned females.

Why was I doing this? I just wanted a one-night stad. But, well, I dunno. I hate myself for not keeping myself in check. But, as the world turns, it is impossible to stay in one spot without moving. She has taught me stuff about people and the world.

She was sociable. She would hold almost flirtacious conversations with total strangers. She went for people who weren't of her usual type. She was bold. She was drunk/stupid.

Interlude:
I know a guy who talks silly. He could sell refrigerators to elephants. He is kind of like me. All day, he mocked me, and tried to undermine my confidence. I understand why, ut... Well, I guess that it got to me after a while. My confidence was shot. I have become the ginny pig. I see the parallels to my past experiment (written at the beginning of this webpage). And, i won't let it happen.

Well, he came over and started talking to us. He basically insulted/joked about me in front of her. I was mortified. She was beiln a talker also. Talked to other interesting guys. But at 12, her friend and mine went for a walk on the beach. They didn't come back for an hour. Bars closed, and my friend talked me and her to go to Club 2000.

As I am writing this, I see another symbol, take it for what you will. Ink has traveled up the point of the pen I am writing with making a hair line crack in my self.

When we got there, she danced with a native. Well, not danced so much as dry-fucked. They also went and talked in a secluded corner. This would not have bothered me if there were more girls there (there weren't), and if we (friend) had not bought her a drink. Is she responsible, or am I, or is my friend? I dunno, but we ditched her there with dreams of rape and murder dancing through my head. Shocked? I didn't think so. I am mysogynistic. But I didn't drown...in alcohol at least.

Today's thought: "Noone's to blame. Noone's the same. Open my eyes. Wake up, wake up, wake up in flames. It took you to make me realize. Smashed up my sanity. Smashed up integrity. Smashed up what I believed in. Smashed up what I believed in. Smashed up what's left of me." - nine inch nails

03-02-01
note: this was written after the fact for reasons which will become overtly obvious.

Requiem for a Dream
I woke up this morning depressed, angry, and yet i was the placator. Why? Well, i woke up in a room with an angry bear. Figuratively. I had to placate his emotions regarding the roommate that wasn't here. He went back with the one girl from two nights ago. However, they were sposed to be gone by 9:00. He was missing at 11:00 still.

As the day progressed, people worried about him. I didn't. But, then again, I didn't care for various reasons. I figured that the Club 2000 girl had been beaten or raped or murdered, or more or less desired so. I figured that she would have bitched to him about it, and that I would have gotten shit for it. I got myself all angry for it, and could see her crying on his shoulder. She was that types of girl i imagined.

So, I got angry for no reason, and beat myself up emotionally for it. He was supposed to be my brother and friend, yet i was treating him as a total stranger, which i found out he isn't yet is. Figure it out for yourselves. So, i spent the day reading and writing. Not too much thinking though.

We came back, still no sign of him. What an asshole!! And they had dinner waiting for us at the place of infamy. Anyways, we drove there on scooters, where we were hustled by a con artist worse than the Ann Arbor hippies. He was nice until we gave him a dollar. He demanded 10!! And he made us do that.

That scenario finished with him getting his ass beat by a bodyguard. Screw da police we'll do it ourselves. And we got the 10 dollars back. So, mulling around, moping, feeling sorry for myself, I didn't dance that night. Felt a certain animosity, hatred for humanity when lo and behold the missing finale shows up. Yippee. So, I hang around then go back to the hotel.

My anger had tapped off almost on sight, as soon as I figured out that I wasn't going to get in a fight, but I still had some self-loathing to get over. So, I went home. I didn't start drinking. Then around midnight I started polishing off 2/3 of a liter of vodka. The liter was $10 for Skyy. I also sat in a hottub. That kind of made my confidence levels go up. But, I don't remember half of it. I remember going to the bathroom, and starting a conversation about comic books (don't ask the topic), then going to the hottub. I don't remember anything else. I remember going to bed at 6. The vodka gone. Checkout was 11 am. I was still drunk and puking. I puked in a cab even. "Please take your merchandise with you." On the boat i felt queasy at times, but did not puke. I slept though, which made me feel better.

Why did I drink? You figure it out.

Today's thought: "My advice to you is to start drinking heavily. Better listen to him, Flounder, he's in pre-med." - Animal House

03-14-01
Here we go, I am back in regular mode. In other words, I am speaking in the present in retrospect and such. So, there was a date party that was scheduled for last Friday. I wasn't going to go to it, but it was rescheduled for this week. I was going to go to it. Then it got revamped to a mass date, skip the party. I'm not going to go to it again.

But, more on that later. Remember the girls from Spring Break? How could you not? But, anyways apparently that friend wasn't going to go to the date party last weekend because of his girl from the Bahamas. Now, how whipped is that? He also said that he would feel uncomfortable going with somebody else. Me, I would just prefer to get my own girl.

But, apparently the two are coming up here for the weekend. I want to go on the date party again. And this time with a real date, or at least a sleazy one. The other thing I would do is wonder if she required a date for the party. Now, that would be fun, and ignore her all night long talking to other girls. Maybe even leaving her there. HEH. But, alas, you can't do that at a mass Date, Mongolian BBQ and Comedy Club. It just wouldn't work as well. Maybe if it was a date PARTY... And, the making out heavily would be kind of awkward with the people I know.

Why oh why do I have to meet girls with fucking boyfriends. One girl that I would like to go out with has a boyfriend, so that is off limits. Maybe I will persue her anyways. i dunno. But she is fun to talk to. I feel like such a shit.

So, anyways, I decided that I am going back to my old self times ten. I just need to sit back and allow myself some slacker time to regain my old misogeny. I used to be worse. I used to have no respect for women, and now I do? I need to go back to having none. The thing is I am still very misanthropistic which is rare for men in this day of age. But, that is fun. I just need a set of balls in order to act upon this. Is it too late to make a New Year's Resolution?

If not, I want to make one. I will not be walked upon by others. There, how is that for a New Year's Resolution? I think that it is wonderful, and most would agree with me. But, what if I reworded it and said that I will become meaner to everybody and start acting out on all of my animalistic impulses and say whatever is on my mind. I have become soft in my autumn years. (That was sarcasm folks).

Today's Thought: "I realized what was living behind that boy's eyes was purely and simply...EVIL!" - Halloween

03-15-01
Revenge!
Well, I think doing all nighters have taken their toll on me. Here I am, sick. I was feverish all day, now I am feeling better, but think that it may be from being awake all day. So, here's to late nights.

Another form of revenge is happening. This is revenge of the bitch. Why o why does she have to come here? I wish I could just take off and come back when she's gone, yet I want to be there just to be in her face. I would be as rude as possible. Would anybody object? Not if they have read this, they wouldn't.

More on offensiveness. Revenge of the movie. Last week in class we saw one of the best movies: The Doom Generation. We saw it in a class that is all about Hollywood movies, and forces us to look at the way Hollywood has constructed the way we are. The class is Teen Horror and Sex Comedy. So, we have watched the classics (Porky's) and the new ones (American Pie). This is a great class because it shows what indepents are doing in offense to this.

The Doom Generation is the result of the independent circle. We watched the 85 minute uncut version as opposed to the 72 minute Rated R version. Yes, 13 minutes were cut out. The movie is vicious and offensive, but it has a message that it beats you over the head with. Why does it feel the need to do that? Because you would never get the message in subtler ways. We are so inundated by Hollywood cinema that we choose to accept that as being reality.

So, in discussion I have a real oaf of a student in there who believes that everyhing he says is right. However, when you argue with him, he denies everything you say. For instance, he gave an example of a "good" movie (as opposed to The Doom Generation which is a "bad" movie). I hated the film. It didn't shock me, was boring, and brought nothing new to the screen. I have come to not trust Oscars, so I don't care about the Best Picture award (if it goes to Traffic, the TV will probably end up broken.) The movie was basically like any romance where one can't deal with the love of the other, and slowly comes to terms wih it, It has been done before (starts with The Shop Around the Corner, and has continued with racial motifs). He would refuse to believe that it was old hat. Even the hermaphodite had been done 20 years before (Pink Flamingos had a great hermaphodite in it, proud of his/her sexuality).

But most hated The Doom Generation as well. I think that the movie was funny, and was blatently over-the-top, so much so that you can't take offense to it. Others saw it as being offensive the fact that it tried to offend the public. I think I am jaded, was not offended by even Pink Flamingos. But, eventually people acknowledged the fact that it was a good movie because it did what it set out to do, which was to offend the general public. But, it was a rather hostile discussion, and lecture.

Today's Thought: "I feel like a gerbil smothering in Richard Gere's butthole."

"Why don't you go passionately fuck yourself." - The Doom Generation

03-19-01
Eyes Wide Shut.
Dodging bullets left and right. Hrumph. Well, as most know the fraternity clock is ticking and louder than ever. Yes, I know it sounds like a mother talking to her daughter, but its true. {Censored}

So, anyways, you may not like me because you don't know everything about me anymore do you. Well, hahahahahahaha. I decided that to put every one of my thoughts on here would be a bad idea. At least that way, nobody can tell what I am going to do. I am changing back into my old sheltered self.

My eyes used to be wide shut. What is the meaning of that phrase? I believe that it is you can be oblivious to the obvious while totally immersed in something. Something so obvious to you will never show itself because of the biases that you carry.

Now, how does that apply to me? Well, after a discussion with the resident drunk, and some time to think, as well as time to sleep. *yawn* I have decided what needs to be done, and I think that I know how to go about it.

But, anyways, this will be a short one b/c of time restraints, and nobody will fuck with me with the less that they know.

Today's thought: "Goddamn the torpedoes, its time to run away with the side show." - MDFMK

05-07-01
Yay, its summer, and im back.on the webpage. I lke my webpage, and I like summer, although there is nobody at the fraternity house. Nobody is even awake, and its only 3 am. jeez. Whatever happened to life begins at 3 am? I wish I was back at the dorms with the network. It is very moody and can go up or down at the drop of a hat.

So, I ended up with an 'A' in my Teen Horror and Sex Comedy class. That was fun. Next semester: Kubrick. I can't wait to see A Clockwork Orange at the Michigan Theater again. Everybody who reads this, and is in relative close proximity to Ann Arbor, should come, every Monday night at 8:30.

So, getting on with things, I went to my first rave last night, and it SUCKED. One room, not great music, and not great lights either. They couldn't even afford the lasers like from Gags and Gifts. The music frequently changed to low energy beats, and there was alot of treble and no bass in some parts. Grrrr, trance is not good to dance to.

I decided I kind of want to volunteer at dancesafe just so I can help out, and so I can go to raves. I think it would be fun to go, and feel good about helping the community. The ravers need to know what they are ingesting, I think.

Also, I am trying to get a few jobs which have good discounts. I have one at Showcase, which is good, but I need to get at least one or two more. I am hoping for the Hot Topic job, and for another job, maybe at Krogers. I need a food and drink discount. Not to mention they sell alcohol, which I am sure I could get away with selling to myself.

I highly recommend coming and seeing the room next week. It should be clean by then, and Fanton will be out after Monday. Speaking of rooms, what the hell do you do with stocked up sodas and stuff. Currently they are filling my closet floors. I dunno, the fridge is full as well. Small fridge.

Nothing much to report other than those mindless things. I am doing a bit of intelligent discussing with Shoshana, such as the intimacy of oral sex vs genital sex. Not to mention the disgust factor. Like we urinate out of our dicks, so why is it less intimate to put it in the mouth rather than the vagina?

I eed to get started on being addicted to Final Fantasy, because I just got Joe's Playstation. That'll be addicting. Damn dogs and their grandparents.

Anyways, not much of intelligence to say.

Today's thought: "Because going down isn't a big deal! I used to like a guy, we'd make ou, and sooner or later I'd go down on him, but I only had sex with the guys I loved." - Clerks

05-20-01
Well, I had a kick ass weekend. For semi-details, check out derek's (aka decampitate) live journal. He came and visited me. I was supposed to go to Tool with him, but alas, I had to work. And work ended at 8, so I was bored off my ass for the night. I did not like Friday at all. Grrrr, until Derek came and visited. That was fun. But Saturday was better.

It started with going to the Comicon in Novi. We saw lots of interesting things there, and I even made a purchase of Braindead (British, uncut version of Dead Alive). I saw Playboy's Miss 1967 (unfortunately for brief flash, envisioned her nude), Lou Ferigno, and the make-up King of Splatter, Tom Savigini. Interestingly enough, he referred to Peter Jackson films as the Bern Hur of splatter films. I wanted his autograph, but the pictures were expensive, I also saw a comic called The New Bondage Fairies. Boringly dark. But I had fun there, and I got to see some things I had never seen.

I guess I should write on some recent events. My future roommate wants me to put his name on the answering machine even though he isn't living here. Even though he MAY live here SOON. Very very Maybe. I am also writing a short screenplay, but can't write it tonight, not in mood. I have to be happy to write it. Tonight was mainly sad and dark. I ate by myself at Big Boy, I worked for 8 hours, and I listened to Eminem's "Stan." Very very sad song about the state of the world.

I so badly want to write on some of last night's discussions, but I can't due to many factors including parental units reading webpage. But, I guess I can go over some things I learned. Last night was Shoshana's B-Day celebration. Some people recieve things differently. For instance, almost everybody in the party had taken a Kevin Sandler class. He picks some movies out of the blue: "The Doom Generation" and such. But NBK was recieved as being a movie that makes you aggressive when its over by at least one person, and as a cathartic view by another.

More interesting things to write about come courtesy of Derek's journal. He wrote on how somebody shot themselves after being arrested for rioting. He said that it was a sad state of affairs. Yet, I think about pulling the same stunt. I want to do something outrageous, and illegal then kill myself. Make a minor impact on somebody hopefully, though it will be highly doubtful.

I guess thats why I would love to make films as a dream job. I want to disturb as many people as I can while I am alive, and can do it through mass media, like film. Use it for the good and the bad, but make people see how dark can be funny and light can be dark etc. all at the same time. Never show what's already been showed, but make it your own.

Today's quote: "Birds have always amazed me...maybe someday I'll kill one." - Baxter

P.S. Movie reviews coming up.

05-24-01
What a fun week.

Yippee. I just had a fun week in Livonia, with my truck in the shop, unable to go anywhere. I suppose that I could have called one of my old friends and had them drive me around, but I dunno. I was feeling lazy, and unsociable. I guess that's the way you get when you are doomed to a week of hell. For Christ's sake, my days consisted of Kids in the Hall, court shows, Jerry Springer, and even Lifetime. Yes, I watched "The Real Blonde" today on Lifetime, which isn't the type of movie on that channel, it should be on Bravo.

So, I am back in Ann Arbor, and nobody is online. I guess I am feeling a bit sorry for myself, but that's normal. Shoshana at least missed me. But, my roommate came back this week. I dunno if I like that. More on that to come. I kind of wanted one last summer of slobbery and solitary (one last fling). But, I guess I ain't getting it. Crap.

Reading D-Camp's reviews strike me as sad, and I want to go have fun over there, at least during the week, but I guess that's out of the question. I work for 10 hours tomorrow, and 5 on Sunday. Oh well, DEMF is close enough to have fun, as well as Becky and Jessica's party.

Well, I tried some weird test online. A Triadic Enneagram test. Here's how it breaks down:
I am a five
Primary Intelligence: Mental
2nd - behavioral

Coping Style: Competency
2nd - Reactive

Social Style: 1st - Assertive
2nd Withdrawn

Hierarchical Style: Control
2nd - Ideals

Actually the five has the social style of withdrawn. I think that Ideals are more important than control, or at least as important as. But the rest seems to be accurate. It says that I am a deep thinker, and know things better than you, so ha.

Anyways, according to all the little info centers, I am quiet and intellectual. Generally I hate socializing, and never talk (if average to unhealthy). I like having friends in groups, and hate having them mix. I am greedy, and hoard knowledge as well as money. Famous 5s are David Lynch, Karl Marx, Steven Hawkings, MAYBE Albert Einstein, and SIgmund Freud.

Just a little knowledge. If you know what you are, e-mail me or something. That would be very cool to learn about my friends.

Also, I promised movie reviews, but they will come on my next update.

Today's thought: "See that clock on the wall? In five minutes you're not going to believe what I just told you." - Blue Velvet

06-12-01
Sorry about not being in contact with anybody who reads this. The internet has een down since the last time I updated, pretty much. I mean, its just the worst thing. So, we have a new thing, so the internet is back up. But, the cable modem is pretty touchy, which bugs me. I hope that it won't be like this all the time.

Anyways, I have that job at Hollywood now, and the job at Showcase. So, I am in control of the movie industry in Ann Arbor. I am having fun because Shoshana and Andrea are here, I love them two, and I can do whatever I want.

Anyways, looking at the cable modem now, it keep going back and forth between working and not working. I like the pagebuilder because I can do it while having touchy shit. Looking at the modem, it may go boners evrytime a computer is turned off. That is going to suck so badly. Maybe I'll hook into the Bursley netwok or some oher network frequently. That would be very cool.

So, over the past few weeks, I have: gone to a Christian rave held in the Ann Arbor Hands on Museum, seen A Midsummer Night's Dream, and just hung out around here. It is a very cool life. I wish that I could do this for the rest of eternity.

Anyways, I am sure that you will all be interested to know that I seem to be the most shallow and flighty person around. I keep forgetting to do stuff, and various other such things...I am quite sure that you all know what I am talking about.

So, future plans are to finish watching "Freaks" and get some good etertaining stuff happening. I wish i was excited about everything to write about it: from 2 am trips to Meijer's to everything else that defines college lifel

Todays thought: "Excess is the ony way to life fulfillment": - With A Friend Like Harry

7-4-01
Thoughts on a long week.
Well, I just went through a heel week last week. It all started on Sunday (in June) when I had to work a 13.5 hour shift. That was all Kool in the Gang, but then I had heard that my truck had died. So, I needed to go to Livonia that week. I had intended to get lots of shit done, but I couldn't. So, I get back in A^2 on Tuesday late night, and start work at 6 am on Wednesday, work til 12, then have a 5-11 shift, the work 9-5, 6-1 thursday, then 9:30am-11:30 pm friday, then 9:30am-11:00 sunday. Fucking hell week.

Now comes the fun part A.I. came out on Friday. Joe's girlfriend also came over on Friday. I was nice on Friday and Saturday...Sunday though...

To help with more hell week, I sort of used a bottle of mini-thins. Yes, I used a bottle of mini-thins. These are diet pills/energy boosters. They were probably preferred by truck drivers because these things actually work in both intended uses. I was full of energy for awhile, and I didn't eat on Thursday or Friday. I think thats why I have been moody and irritable.

So, awhile back Joe had told me about a trip to Cedar Point, and had invited me along. I didn't know if i was working, so I didn't say anything. But then on Saturday I heard that Austin was going, so i decided that I wanted to go. On Sunday i left Joe a message from work, telling him to call me, page me, or leave a message. He did neither. On Sunday, he was at work, and I was ticked, but tired, so I crashed.. I had also noticed that the messages had been checked.

So, Monday morning, I get a minor woken-up, but then nothing. They leave, and I get left behind. I get pissed off, and then I go to my mothers, who invites me over out of sympathy. I had decided to wallow all day. So, I finish my day by seeing Fast and Furious. And then I come home. I blare Natural Born Killers, and try to calm myself down. Anybody who knows me, knows that watching this movie, as well as A Clockwork Orange, as things of beauty, calms me down through catharsis.

So, Joe comes in, and I try to ignore him so I can talk to him reasonably (leave me alone, and I will be better later), but he pushes and pushes. ANyways, we get pissed off at each other, and he comes to the point that I lied. By mid-afternoon on Tuesday, things are calmer, and he realizes what happened. Andrea had checked the messages, and so on and so on.

So, now I am starting to feel better about everything. I still miss Austin as I haven't seen him in ages. I missed his party a few weeks back because it was Andrea K's last day in the U.S. until Sep. and D-camp was in town. So, in the end hopefully i will live to see another day.

Today's thought: "You've made my shit list." - L7, Natural Born Killers

8-24-01 Destroying a couch
I just got done destroying a couch with an axe. What fun that was. There is nothing more satisfying than constructive destruction. Taking that axe and swinging it at the couch was so much fun, I just wanted to keep doing it and doing it. But, the couch is now down to its springy metal frame. I don't think that just a normal college kid with an axe could do aything to that. And, all of this was done to Ohgr.

So, summer has been flying by. I now have three jobs. My third being at "The Cage." This is the place where you can check out film equipment and editing rooms and shit like that. That's a keeper job throughout the year. So, during the year I will have two jobs: librarian and the cage.

So, I got back yesterday from home from being sick. I dunno what I had but I was coming down with fevers and shit. I hated it. So, now that I am back, I am getting my aggressions out.

I discovered that my roommate is another P.W. romantic roommate from hell. I wish he'd admit it, because everybody else can see who wears the penis in the relationship: HER!!

In addition to that, he has been overcompensating in front of her by being ultra-aggressive towards everybody. I guess he's being the proverbial asshole to show he really is strong and can take care of himself. Except, being his roommate, I generally bear the brunt of it. I wish he'd grow up.

But, the we wouldn't fight so much. Part of it is out of the room as mess. He has possession of two rooms right now. When he cleaned up a coupld of weekends ago, he got mad at me for having my ONE room dirty. However, when I entered his room, he had the other room trashed worse than mine. Fucked if he isn't the biggest hypocrite on the face of the planet. When I pointed that out to him, he didn't care and tried fluffing it off. He also is becoming more of a dominant asshole than I am, and I can't let that happen (joke). Actually he is trying to control how I live while doing exactly the opposite. Set to be a politician, but if he becomes one, I'll be first to assassinate him.

Anyways, I need to go hit the couch a couple more times now, except that I am getting tired. Must stay up for Conan, as John Waters is set to be on.

On Saturday I am going to burning man. That's in Nevada. I am going until the beginning of the school year. That will be cool, and I am looking forward to it. However, I hope that I will be feeliing better by then to do that. Its a temporary communal desert art type happening. It should be cool.

And to finish off, I got back yesterday from home. I was ill, though not on an IV. I was just having a nasal infection and very miserable. I think I passed it on to mom though. Sorry mom. I go back to work tomorrow, and then...

Today's thought: "Rape me. Rape me again. Rape me. Rape me, my 'friends.'" - Nirvana

9-12-01 Songs: Front 242 - Religion (p.w. mix); Nonpoint - Victim

Why is it that weather seems to react to everything I do. I almost had a literal war with my now ex-roommate Joe this weekend and it stormed hardcore. Like it knew about the anger. So, the story goes like this:

Joe was pissed that I wouldn't keep my room clean, when he had two VERY dirty rooms. So, he moved out, and I have to say my room is indeed trashed. But, back to the story, I left for Burning Man for a week. When I came back, the rooms were now trashed, and he had blockaded the door between Windows and Grand Central. Then, by Tuesday night he had moved in my desk, and removed the bar. He also disconnected the phone line to my room. He had wanted to keep it as one phone line for the both of us, but that wasn't going to work for a permanent situation. So, I told him to get a splitter, which he did for about 8 hours. After that, he removed the splitter without telling me. I confronted him on Saturday, on which he was like FUck You I am not talking to you about it. So, I disconnected his phone line and hooked it though the third floor. Then, he broke into my room and took my phone. He returned it and yelled at me for disconnecting his phone. So, I put tacks on his stairs, and in my room so he wouldn't break in again, then left for L-Town. I returned on Sunday to indicate that he (now an anti-druggie preacher) had done acid. I still have it on my sign on my door. He wrote a respose saying something about sloth and leading to an ending using drugs. It was funny, but I erased it.

So, yesterday in the aftermath of the NYC bombings, he apologizes to me (and to Greg, story later). As if that will cure everything that he had done to me. So, I still have the sign that pisses him off on my door. HAHA.

On a better note, I now have floor tickets to Tool. Derek is coming, but I am the only one on the floor. That may be kind of disturbing, but it will be fun. I can't wait. The concert is on Sunday.

And, i guess I should spend a little note on the WTC building. Its a tragedy, and it made me miss The Simpsons. I feel bad for those who are dead, and those it immediately affected, inc. those with gas prices. So, that's that.

I will write on Burning Man later, but I think that my journal entry may hurt/injure almost ruin a friendship, so I may or may not post it directly, and instead just write about the highlights. I know, kind of strange for me, isn't it? I guess it taught me someting.

Thought of the day: "Oh my God, what have I done, please forgive me...FUCK THAT!!" - Nonpoint - Victim

10-01-01 Good days and mad

Wheeee, another fun date. See earlier postings.

Well, these past few weeks have been straight out of hell. I feel I should be cleaning my room right now or working out or doing SOMETHING productive, but I am writing to my journal. In the past few weeks I have: bought DVDs I don't have the time to see, started skipping class again (fuck), stopped working out, ran out of time over and over again, gone out of town three times, and have been catching up on my sleep deprivation. whew.

So, I also took the Are you Goth Trendy or Alternative test (verbal chili website), and got the resulte: 55% goth 30% trendy and 55% alternative. I have 140 % of a person in me. It reminds me of willy wonka. They also said: You're either a well-balanced person, or somebody with no taste at all. I choose the latter.

So, Saturday I went to work, and learned how to edit. I can edit well now. Just give me some DVs and I can make split screen and such. I wish I was a major editing house who could do all sorts of cool shit to the film and decide to make it look like Fight Club or a Troma movie. How cool would that be.

Also, I am this close to finishing my full length screenplay. The one I gave you guys a sample of months ago. Well, we're up to correctly formatted 133 pages. That gives me two pages to wrap it up. I really feel bad for skimping on the ending. Maybe I will make two endings to it, and save it as 1 and 2. There is so much I could cut out of ending 1 and speed it up. But, I kind of want the emphasis on the ending. I keep telling myself otherwise, but I wrote the whole thing to have a major depression ending, not just arrest, death penalty, insane, rape, end. But, if I were to submit it to a contest, 135 is over the limits. Grrrrrrrrrr.

And, finally. I reformatted my other script, and it is 86 pages. It is too short (needs to be 100 pages) for me to submit. I want to so badly, but I don't know how to extend it. I extended it once before. But, this time I don't know how to flesh out characters any more than I already have. I think that there are like 30 scenes in the movie, thus making it less than 3 pages a scene. But, at least half of the scenes are pure action. I don't want to encroach on the director's duty to make the movie what it is, I would rather have a shorter screenplay and him decide what we need to do. I need somebody to help with these.

Today's thought: "How do we make it die?" - Withnail and I

10-02-01 Burn it to the ground

So, yesterday I didn't bitch about what really needed bitching about. I was at work yesterday, doing all of the extra shit that needed to be done. Also, we had an open house, where people mainly came for the food, and it was Makael's birthday. Makael likes his race, to the point that its racist. His bulletin board is now a black board, and his picks for favorites reflect the most ghetto of all tastes. He even says "bootylicious" in his reasons why he likes things. I mean, everything I pick was made by white people, I will give you that, but I don't flaunt being white (even though I am hispanic). I mean, DJ Assualt would be cool if he didn't have that asshole guy with the mike. I just don't like rap. I also don't like people acting like something or another.

During the open house, nothing had been ready...Cds weren't out, half the books were ready, none of the DVDs...and the other half of the books included the 18 black books. Makael says, and I am not sure if he was joking, "What, all the black books aren't done? That screws with my black display?" It was lik he almost called us racists for it. Also, when the person working the shift said she was putting on Led Zepplin, he said "who wants to hear that shit?" As if everybody in the world likes rap. I don't think I could handle hanging out with him as he is "too black" for me. I like Living Colour and Lenny kravitz (early works) and any other black bands that play metal, industrial, or good techno...it just so happens there aren't many, just like Eminem is the only white rapper. And I like him because he is funny and intelligent and doesn't steal from popular songs. *ahem Jay-Z ahem*

So, enough of my bitching about racism...christ i hate this campus...and there is another BAMN like group on campus, but on to real life. Tonight I sat through the long version of "Spartacus" again. Its much better if you go in acting like its a really long B-Movie and make comments at the screen. But, the ending is still ruined for me by The Critic (Spartacus and the Bandit)

Today's thought: "I didn't like him anyway. He wasn't right in the head." - Braveheart (aka Spartacus II)

10-07-01 nin nite

Well, here it is...i have some positive things and some whining to do tonight. But, first the positive. Makael is getting in deep shit lately. Apparently he has been fighting with his roommate and is now moving to West Quad or something like that. I think its because he is too obnoxious and loud, but... Well, anyways he has also been fucking up on the magazines. However, here's the positive, he apologized to me on Wednesday (after he and Marianne had a talk) whch was nice. I don't take apologies very nice, I don't think. I get high and mighty, even when I do feel grateful.
So, Marianne also revealed her life story, and it was pretty cool. I think that she is a real go-getter seeing as how she has gotten a degree in Law and Religion already, worked for the recording artists law group (maybe I should introduce her and Derek, but she seems awfully busy [not to hook up, just for music copyright talks, he enjoys that]) gets tickets to the Grammys (gag) and is thinking of developing a thinktank and an abstract virtual museum which will allow you to taste justice or smell fear (cliches from me, she had better examples). I wonder what revenge tastes like.

And today I was supposed to go to Shockheaded Peter today with Andrea, but we ended up going to Royal Oak and seeing L.I.E. instead (we couldn't get up). We spent the day together, and it was all Kool and the Gang, I really had fun. I guess we have alot in common. I think that we've dealt with our pasts in different but similar ways. I became much more aggressive. She writes as well, both novels and screenplays. I have respect for the novels sect. I couldn't do it. I barely have the patience for a 150 page screenplay, let alone for a 300+ page novel. No details from this boy.

Now its NIN nite on rexradio (see janus machine), and it kind of fits. It shows where I was at one phase of my life (a 5-6 year phase), when I could relate to the lyrics of every NIN song ever made, and it all meant something to me. I guess I was looking for an identity. But, it seems to relate to my friends more, even today. One of my friends seems stuck in a child-like state full of need for attention, and very self-pitying. Another seems to have a split personality, and definately has some sort of past trouble with the opposite sex that I don't want to get into. And another seems to be dealing with a general past experience. Another seems to be just going through the motions and surviving as life goes on. I dunno, who is who or what is what but people are giving off these vibes. Errrrrrrr. And I am doing exactly what is hypocritical. Whining about people whining. I want to have normal friends, and yet I can't stand them. I want to have weird friends yet I like normality. And what is normality? Going with the major experience? What is that major experience? Is it the chick flick life? WHY THE FUCK AM I SO ANALYTICAL AND DETACHED FROM THE HUMAN EXPERIENCE??????????? There, its out of my system. I think its time to do homework and to go to bed.

Today's thought: "I think I'm gonna burn this whole world down." - nine inch nails

10/20/01 Same old show
Well, today I went to Andrea's party. It was a really cool party that went well. Phil and a couple of his cronies were there, who were all cool. Derek, and Shoshana went. So did a quotable girl from Taiwan named Sylvia (?), Haley, a cool girl who has already surpassed her punk stage into a normal goth, and Eric, your local friendly gay guy. We talked in groups for awhile, and it was cool and all, especially when Phil showed up. We then played interrogations which went well, in my opinion. I asked really pointed questions, got asked them in return (although it was gentler than I expected). I had massloads of fun there.

I also saw Mulholland Drive with Derek and Shoshana last night, which was a really cool movie. I am going again tomorrow. I want to understand it. However, I am not the person who can give attention or emotion to a person who craves it, demands it, and expects it 24/7. We all know who this person is, as I think I have mentioned her before. Shoshana. Friday was cool. We discussed/argued different interesting points. Everything went fine.

Well, tonight, she was really in demand of attention. She was practically demanding to play I never, even though we didn't have alcohol. (side note: what's the point of the game then?) There was a cool person named David who was giving a cool informercial about ice. And she interrupted it with her own little additions! Then, on the ride home, she had gas. While I have nothing against farts, these are NUCLEAR. I rolled down her window to clear the air, and she complains. But, once the air clears i put it up again. She does it again, and complains again "But, I'm cold." Sorry, but its my fucking car, and I like to breathe. Clean air is more important than warmth. If I farted in her car, I would roll down my window out of respect for the driver. And, I am not the only one who can't stand her gas. The theater incident comes to mind.

Maybe, I am just not the super nice type that she is generally friends with. Maybe I need to be somebody who CAN give her my undivided attention all the time. But, I can't and I won't. So, if I ever get on your nerves, tell me. I'll back off. She also wants to have a talk soon. And, i don't take on to hints very well either. Don't be nice to me, I don't expect it.

On a brighter note, since my page was down, I finished my script. In its short form, the script is like 135 pages, and in its long form, its like 141. That's a huge movie. I need to learn how to be more selective. Also, I am starting two different scripts now. 1 is going to be an epic length (180-240 pgs) movie where fantasy and goth collide. I haven't figured out all the nuances of it yet, but there are four main characters. Slate represents "The Downward Spiral," Brian represents "The Fragile," Trent represents "Holy Wood" and Donna represents "Pretty Hate Machine." They'll form a plot where a night goes forever until a guy finds his sould, and kills a self. The second, which has no characters, and is from my first script is about a serial killers of serial killers. More politico garbage, but fun to write nonetheless. However, in order to write the epic one, I have to analyze all of the albums. I have TDS figured out, and will post it soon. If you can figure out the other two (both of which has a story) lemme know. I think that I have written enough. More on Mulholland Drive tomorrow.

Today's thought: "I'm seeing something that was always hidden. I'm in the middle of a mystery and its all hidden." - Blue Velvet.

P.S. I wonder if this is called bringing it all out into the open? Is it?

On to section two, my paper on Dr. Strangelove. This is an awesome movie, downright hilarious. It deserves a five page paper. It actually deserves more. I am writing on the combination of sexual perversions and death. How the end of the world is caused by a bunch of perverts.

Alot of the paper is on just the character's names. The one thing I am just remembering I didn't put in was an analysis of the vaginal look of the war room. (also an electric halo, which I have. I plug it in frequently). Mandrake is a deadly, narcotic aphrodisiac. It also heals. We have president merkin (a pubic wig) and ambassador desadeski (marquis de sade). If you listen to everything, it is quite funny. And, the rest of the movie just kicks ass. I can't say enough about this laugh fest.

I actually started the paper around 5-6 pm, and finished it around 1:30 am (and i got dinner and saw mulholland drive in between), so it took me less than four hours to write the thing. How cool is that??

I divided the paper into three sections for easier writing. The movie is told all at once, but I gave each locale (plane, war room, AFB) a different section. It makes for easier reading. I wonder if writing in a non-linear timeline helped me. (cont)

10/21/01 It all makes sense in the end

Well, i am figuring out that adding these to the past thoughts page is a helluva lot harder than I would have thought. I mean I had to edit columns 2 and 3, and...oh well its the price you pay for having the page the way you want it.

I like this three columns style. I could divide it up into two sections, or three sections if I decided to become more calculating in my thoughts than ever before. Like today I am thinking about writing about the new design of the page, then about my paper I just wrote, then, finally, about Mulholland Drive.

So, i am liking this horizontal mode, but I can't get the "now in sexy horizontal mode" to be top to bottom of the browser screen. I think that its kind of cool, and its a bit off setting having it this way. I am sure that it won't win any awards, nor is it original in any way shape or form.

Also, more links to come later as well as my two papers for this semester's class on Kubrick, and links to my new writins. (cont)

Don't read this if you haven't seen the movie yet. Speaking of non-linear timelines, Mulholland Drive takes the cake in that department. The movie starts with a dumbshow of the timeline. It has swing dancers on the screen, then in the background there are swingdancers behind a moving hole (of swingdancers) in the back. This is obscured by a blur of white, which focuses to be an old couple and a young girl, then obscures and focuses again.

The first part of the movie is in two parts told simultaneously. One is the past, which is the director's story. It tells how the director chose Camilla (because he was forced to) over Diane, whom both she and he felt were better. The other story is fantasy, which is after the final chaos (which is sort of a boomerang). It tells of Diane (who is now dead, and called Betty) and how she imagined Camilla (now an amnisiac who is called Rita) to be alive still. The ending tells the story of how Diane was Camilla's jilted lover, and had her killed. But, her alibi, the old people who were at the airport, overcame her, like guilt, and she killed herself. Check this one out to see what I mean.

Today's thought: "Silencio." - Mulholland Drive

10/23/01 Answer
Well, I guess we all have to pay for our sins sometimes, right? Well,my Saturday journal was really bitchy and pointed, and I mean what I said, but I have a feeling that the time is coming to pay back for what I said. Shoshana called me (when she was online, or after) at 10:30 pm. I can just imagine her thoughts if she had read that one. But, maybe I am being to selfish in thinking that she actually READS this thing.

Actually, I am lying there. She does, and she gets upset. Well, you know what, if you don't want to know what I am thinking, you should not read this!!! Seriously, not everybody is going to like you all the time. I don't expect anybody to. So, if you have issues with me, you have a livejournal, say something. Or confront me, but we all know how that generally turns out, I bitch and wheedle. I am such a liar and scammer. But, I don't see her much.

The one thing I wonder is if she is lactose intolerent. She really should have that checked out because it is not just painful for her, but for the rest of us as well. (cont)

So, I saw Barry Lyndon last night. 3 HOURS LONG. The plot? Guy is poor, kills for incestual love, is exiled, robbed, joins military, deserts, gets out of military, marries into money, loses money, loses leg, is exiled AGAIN. The end. sound simple? It is. Those were practically all the details, minus the 20-30 minutes on him and his stepson fighting and 20-30 minutes of how he helps a spy cheat at cards. I swear, its just as bad as Forrest Gump. If you made Barry Lyndon positive, optimistic, happy, and made the character a retarded man, you get best picture oscar. Oh well, the last of Kubrick's boring ones. Coming up: 2001 (not for public), A Clockwork Orange (yay!!!), Full Metal Jacket (yay), Eyes Wide Shut, and Killer's Kiss (80-min).

So, skip out on Barry Lyndon unless you like really, excrutiatingly slow movies that have very lush cinematopgraphy. I know you are out there those of you who like those damn Merchant-Ivory films. Goddamn bastards, can't you all just die and save celluloid?

So, in the end, the movie summed up to man is exiled, loses leg, family loses fortune, people die. Its like The Big Lebowski in terms of the meaning. But, it did have some humor, how Lady Lyndon tried to commit suicide but didn't take enough poison so went shouting around the room. (cont)

In order to counter-act this movie, I decided to watch South Park movie again. I love that movie. One of the best musicals ever. It is short, fast, furious, vile, and downright hilarious. I mean, in 81 minutes (less than half the time of Barry Lyndon) we have story of a movie which corrupts the youth of a small town. The parents get up in arms, and so have the actors arrested. The Canadians bomb America. The Americans start to retaliate and have the actors killed in a USO show. In the meantime, one boy who died as a result, finds out that Saddam Hussein and Satan are gay lovers and that they can take over the world as a result of death. In short, the actors dies, and satan comes to take over the world, but that boy saves the world. He saves it by resucng Satan from Saddam. All in 81 minutes, and thats ot even including the minor suplots like a kid finding the clitoris.

I think that Barry Lyndon isn't a bad movie in terms of quality of film, but as entertainment or something to watch over and over again. FUCK NO. I liked it the first time, but not the second time. Its a good thing we were up in the balcony.

Today's thought: "They're all equal now." - Barry Lyndon