thoughts

10/25/00

Well, here I am procrastinating again. But, I am having fun, so I can't complain.

First, I need to mention some names to get my message across today. Otherwise, it will be confusing as hell. I used to belong to the UAC group, M-Agination films. I co-directed, scored, edited, and starred in the film. Then, I became honorary V.P. this year. The Pres is Jumah Hamilton.

Now, I was also going to make my own movie this year, whose plans fell through due to my lack of commitment, and time. The script, Alternate Universe, is on this site. The script has alot of characters in it, and is controversial. I was also planning on blackfacing, and whitefacing, and brownfacing the people. This pissed Jumah off, and said that he would have nothing to do with it, and degraded my movie (even though all I wanted him to do was tell some people about it). So, after the tumultuous relations we had (we have had drop-down-drag-out fights before), I left the group, after designing the first poster.

Now, I am still on the damn mailing list, and never ask to be taken off. I think that I will start going to the meetings, I am not sure. But, one day, a group e-mail from Craig, who is a good, if complacent, guy, saying that he finished the poster, where does Jumah want them. So, I write back "So I see that Jumah has found someone less tumultuous, less demanding, less controlling, and more obedient than i was to do my work. How very interesting." SO, he gets in my face and is like don't send e-mails to the group again, like I would give a shit.

But, the asshole thinks that he can stop me from getting him back. I hope that I planted the seed of distrust in the group. I hope that I will further bury it, and it will grow into a tree of contempt and hatred towards him.

Today's Thought: Is taking things to the mat going a little too far, or should I fight all my battles as if they were my last, since i know that most I will win?

P.S. Sorry about the length, and the remodeling. Check out my movie page.

10/11/00
Well, guys, here is how you start a crappy web page.
Yeah, I know that i am an amateur, and I know how many people will think that this sucks. This will slowly build into something though. I think that I am doing better with it than before. Soon, I will master another page.

This page will eventually come to include links to other web pages, some of my writing, a daily thought, interesting quotes on life, etc. Stay tuned. Eventually I will have a second page dedicated to my thoughts.

Today's thought:
Why is it that everything seems to happen all at once, then there is a long streak of nothing?

10/15/00
Why do people always have to be so rightous? Why can't they see what they are doing, and take into account others' feelings for what they do. And, in some respects, why can't they see what is wrong?

Some people say that the end result is the whole reason for anything to be acceptable. Others blame drunkenness for any indiscretions, and always say that it is fun. Many get upset when you do pin the blame on them, because the truth hurts them and their pride.

Indefinatly, these thoughts pertain to certain weekend events that should not have happened. Why is alcohol used as an excuse to being able to do anything you want to do? I can steal/vandalize while sober without moral pains, except for personal property, but some would say that I am bad for it. If i did it while drunk, i would be God.

And, yes, I do understant the hypocriticality of the first statement, but I think that it is appropriate. In general, I belittle myself for alot of stuff, and am not a proud man, but i will admit when I am wrong. I will also try to see both sides of issues.

Today's thought: People should think about what they do, the consequences of what they do, and if they can handle it (acceptable risks) if it doesn't go right before they act.

10/18/00
Well, EECS midterm is over. I hope i did good. My hope is to pass this class with a minimum of effort, as i hate the class.

So, soon I will start putting more and more stuff depending on homework. I like writing what I am thinking most of the time, even though it seems unimportant and rambling.

I just met more aero majors, which is a good thing. I thought that there were only like 30 or so of us, but I was wrong.

Also, do not drink TOO MUCH caffeine. It can give you a headache, and it brings you down hardcore.

Today's thought: Will any of this matter in the end, or am I just a brick in the wall?

10/17/00
Why is procrastination such fun? I really liked to procrastinate, but feel guilty (well, ok only sort of) for not doing what I should be doing. For instance, this web page should not be taking up as much time as it does. But, I like addingto it, and making things all weird and shit.

So, anyways, I am not full of too deep of thoughts today, but better than yesterday. I have a midterm tomorrow, and a coupld of matlab things to write and some equations to work out. WHY DOES IT ALL HAPPEN AT ONCE?? I also have two assignments due on Friday. So, in short, I am going brain dead.

It has been officially Horror movie season, and I haven't watched one yet. I guess that I make up for it through the rest of the year, but I still feel bad about it. I will start this week with a loud showing of Alien, and The Hand that Rocks the Cradle.

I am still not talking, other than professionally, to one of my friends for some certain incidents, but he hasn't contacted me, so I don't feel too bad. I hope that I don't seem too much like a woman, but I don't think that he knows yet.

Today's thought: "If you want to fuck with the eagles, you have to learn to fly." (Taken from the movie Heathers)

10/20/00
Well, i guess that i do care about my grades. i have slept around 90 minutes because i have been up all night doing my fucking two assignments. i also have not finished one of them (due at 1:30). i had so much to say for this yesterday, but i thought that my assignments would go better than they did.

However, i have no one to blame but myself. In the immortal words of Jimmu Buffet: "Some people say there's a woman to blame, but i know...it's my own damn fault." And, listening to Lou Reed's "Perfect Day" doesn't help. nine inch nails works, i guess.

Well, I think that its time for me to eat. i haven't showered because my towels currently smell like coffee (latte), and are therefore unusable. I need to o laundry.

Today's thought: Put off today what you can do tomorrow, so you can suffer like the rest of us.

10/22/00
Tonight is totally different than any other night. I have so much to say, but I don't want to bore anybody. I guess I will start with a completely random topic.

Why are most men so sex-driven? I mean, it seems like God made some men's second brain bigger than their rational brain? Personally, I like sex, sex is fun, but with all of the baggage and risks, it may not be worth it. Plus, there is the stress that comes with dating, and love, and etc.

The other thing that bugs me about sex and love is romantics. Especially perfectionist romantics. They are the worst kind, in my opinion. I know of to, but I will keep their stories private for a little while. However, I hate that aspect of their life because I don't understand it.

I dunno, maybe I just haven't found "the one" yet, but I don't care about love. I mean, these people stress over it, and, maybe, hopefully, they will soon realize how stressful it is to them.

Another thing I don't get about sex and love in the naughts is political corectness. Nowadays, we can't even make a joke without getting screwed over by the feminist forces. I would much rather have reverse sexual harassment be present than give up my right to be sexist. I wanna tell the world to lighten up.

Today's thought: Sex and love aren't the biggest things in the world, so nobody should get their panties in a bunch over them.

10/23/00
Well, I just had a group meeting that was over 3 hrs long. Everybody was clowning and procratsinating. I was just as guilty of this, so i can't complain. I was the typer, and while everybody else was joking, i would just put randomness in. For instance, bad weather conditions to fly in include the Bermuda Triangle, Hurricanes, Tornados, bathroom material from above planes, and people committing suicide from the Empire State Building. You know, randomness.

Tonight I am going to bed semi-early, but i have an early class, so I guess that it is fitting. But, I have so much to talk about, so little time.

Peruse my updates. My writings and movie pages are new, and gradually everything will come together.

A bit about political correctness, and its evils. Why does everything have to be politically correct, and why are people hypocritical. I hate myself when I think that I am being hypocritical. There is one flaming example that I would love to give, but I am sure that the subject had forgotten about the certain incident that i quoted her on. I hope she looks at the website to read this.

Political correctness includes not being sexist, racist, biased, or anything in private and public. Yet, if you are not a white male, its okay to do it. I can't make a sexist joke without being berated, say a racist comment (even against my race) without stepping on soemone. why?

Today's thought: "It's tasteless, disgusting, and offensive. I love it." - P.C.U.

11/2/00

Sorry about the delay, things happen in a whiplash. So, enough with apologies: on with the show.

Well, I have officially declared a bass war with the people next door to me. I think they backed down, but every now and then I hear bass pounding through my room. If you are in college, I am sure that you know all about it, especially if you live next door to a guy. Also, the guys at the beginning of the hall always blast rap crap. I am sorry, but there is only so much good rap, and a whole lot of bad rap.

So, now it is war. I am requesting that you send in all ofthe CDs that you can think of that have a massive bass sound. Currently in rotation is: Prodigy, Marilyn Manson, Nine Inch Nails, bt, Don't Techno for an Answer. If you can think of any other heavy hitters, or specific albums, e-mail me. Check my links page.

Another reason that I haven't written much is that I have been in my thought-processing mode. And my movie watching mode, omre on that later. But, i have been thinking about what I am doing, where I am going, and who I really am. I dunno, but I think that these are important issues for an experimenter. (To check out your personality check out www.thespark.com) So, I have come up with the fact that I hate almost everybody equally. There are a few exceptions, and they are called my enemies. I like the others equally as well. Contempt for my friends, as well as apathy for my enemies seem to be my downfalls. I dunno if I am right, but I am hardly wrong about myself.

Also, I have been watching a lot of movies. Catch up I guess. I have seen The Godfather, Seven, The Producers, Rosemary's Baby, RHPS, Basket Case, Shallow Grave, and South Park again all in the past 6 days. So, that has been my preferred procrastination.

Today's thought: Can a person really be apathetic and still deal with the world, or is that an oxymoronic situation?

11/5/00

Well, i am back from another busy weekend. This will be labeled my movie weekend. I saw Charlie's Angels, Pink Floyd's The Wall, Saving Grace, and Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. I dunno, I also saw Clerks, and did some things that i can't state.

So, thoughts on aggressiveness. I am a very agressive person. I am a DIAT (Dominant, Introverted, Abstract, Thinker) which make me an experimenter. I am aggressive to be dominant. I go after people verbally many times because i expect the same from them. I can't believe when they get offended, and don't fight back. I dunno, maybe I am just over aggressive. But, then again, I am the butt of quite a few jokes, and I take them in stride so that I will not be labeled as a hypocrite. In fact, I think that i take quite a bit of shit from people, and I don't care.

I think that this all dates back to sixth grade. I was the picked on one back then. I never fought back, then my mother told me to fight back. I first took this as physical, and started working out, but that didn't work. (that reminds me, i need to start up here). So, then I decided to join the crowd, and pick up on verbal abuse. So, now I think that I am one of the sharpest tongues. But, I still have it as a dull lade. I need to sharpen it up more in order to survive. See my thought for today from the beginning.

I dunno. I survived the high school all bruised and broken, so now I am me. What do you think of me now? I guess that I became softer as I went on, but even in ninth grade, I was very open with everybody. I had nothing to hide. So, now here i am. I am very closed off, i have built myself a wall, and yet i open myself on the internet. how peculiar.

Today's Thought: Nothing is what it seems, and facades can work if you have shined them to a "t".

11/6/00

Well, here is the second entry of the 4th Lewis bass wars. I was taking a nap today, and at about 9:30, the assholes next door started blasting their music. They woke me up. I couldn't believe it. So, I then proceeded to blast them out with Marilyn Manson's "Antichrist Superstar" at 10 points below max. I do believe that I have won because the people next door because they stopped with their bass, and asked me to turn it down.

This adds to the point I made yesterday about me being an aggressive person. Don't screw with me. I can make you suffer. I have many other CDs to blast the out with.

Music can divide a world. Metal and rap can only sometimes meld, but not very often. Not long after I blasted out the hall, the hall had their own music war. Rap and rock were blasting out many doors. By 11, they all stopped though.

Music can connect a world. The guys that I had met early in the year heard what I was playing. It turns out that they were playing the exact same album. They came over, and we connected a little more. I dunno, I think that music is a kind of universal language.

Music can make or break a world. I don't care who you are, but music has an effect on you. Whether it is to offend you, or to make you move, it will have some sort of effect. Also, while it is generally accepted that rap is the most pumped out bass, rock is generally not it. So, I guess I am kind of offending people's expectations.

Also, if anybody is actually reading all of these, please don't hesitate to send me reactions. my e-mail is in the links page. Tell me if you want my ideas on something, or anything you want.

Today's thoughts: "It's only after you los everything that you can be truely free." and "Self-destruction might be the answer." - Fight Club

11-9-00

Entry three bass war. The whole hall started before I did this time. Tool, Korn, and Ministry all work really well to block out all other sounds, and to add to your own bass. I think that I will make them all pay next week.

I just made a ten-cup pot of coffee for myself. I should be wired into tomorrow. If not, I still have more coffee, and then the coffee place will open. I have an exam and homework due tomorrow, and i am writing this damn thing.

Check out my updates, if you can find them. Updated is a link in the pictures page, and added some links in the links page. The movie page will soon be finished, but it is pretty well on its way. Check it out. You will never know who I am until you have seen my top ten.

I have recieved no e-mails from readers. This disenheartens me. Oh well.

For now, I am braindead, so nothing is really important, except for why do people always glare at you if you interrupt them in a private moment. They are in the middle of the stairwell, and they glare at me. Its 3 am. Grrrrrrrrrr

Today's thought: A random variable is neither random nor a variable.

11-13-00

A moment on racism. As many of you know, I work at the Bursley Library. I mainly got the job because my friends is the head librarian. She, therefore, makes the purchases in regards to CDs, VHS tapes, and books. Let's call her Lil.

A little background on the Bursley library collection. The collection tries to be very diverse, although it has its shortcomings. The VHS tapes reflect the diversity of campus. The CDs somewhat do too. For instance, we have two drawers dedicated to pop. Pop includes techno, boy bands, metal, rock, alternative, adult contemp, and alot of other types. These are huge drawers. However, we only had btw. 4-6 techno CDs. We had a row for country, a drawer for soundtracks of all genres (inc. R&B) int'l, world, and others. We also have a smaller drawer solely for R&B, 1.5 for classical, .5 for folk, and 1 for Jazz. We expanded R&B to 1.5 drawers. (only a couple more CDs, really.)

So, this year, Lil decided to expand the pop genre, while trying to satisfy the R&B people as well. She has bought a number of techno CDs to reflect the growing number of listeners, a few pop, and a few R&B. However, according to a patron, she has not bought "enough" R&B to reflect the number of listeners. The complaint also hinted at racism. Keep in mind, we have a suggestion box as well. First, I have to ask is why should we placate to one genre of music, especially when we have a plethora of CDs for that genre. And, what about the neglected genres? Shouldn't we reflect those too? World, New Age, and Jazz has been purchased this year as well as techno and regular pop. Or, is this just another case of projected racism from the black culture. (an offensive statement to some)

I am slightly racist, but that has developed in my college years, where racism is supposed to be crushed. Why? Because of the black sentiment that Blacks are worse off, and less represented, than whites at all times. "We" are the most poor, and poor whites don't matter. I am not poor white, but I still understand the full ramifications of affirmative action. Not to mention, with such loud voices such as DAAP and BAMN (why don't they just join together?) all opposition is loudly crushed with the race card. I wonder how many inner-city whites got benefits...none? Don't they have the same education too. I would much prefer economic affirmative action that not.

More on race cards and segregation next time.

Today's thought: If we are such a diverse campus, why is it the whites job to walk up and say hello to the blacks who sit together loudly in the lunchroom?

11-15-00

First, let me say that I am procrastinating again. tee hee.

Racism pt. 2:
Again, Bursley Library situation. This time, my boss is a nice man who has an Irish/Scottish accent, even though he is from Virginia. We'll call him Rents. (If you don't get that reference, you don't deserve to read my column) Well, Rents is in charge of hiring at the Bursley library and at the Baits library. Yes, there are seperate ones. Well, he recieved an ultimatum from a black worker to hire more black people. She said something like she will protest, play the race card, etc. (or hinted at) unless he hired more black people. We only have one at the Bursley library, but, then again, race wasn't a question that I can remember. It was based on handwriting and answers. So, he had to fire some white person to hire a black person. Now, is that bitchy or what?

I dunno, maybe I am in the wrong to think that racism has decided to go the other way. Now, not only are whites racist against blacks. (I think that there was once a time where whites were less racist than now...sometime between 1975 and 1995.) Whites are getting to be more racist, and sometimes, they are indoctrinated against their own race.

Now, see how stupid that sounds, people in Dearborn. Whites are getting to be more racist as a reaction to the overly-anti-racist power of blacks. They can play the race card most easily. Its next to impossible for a white to plausibly shout out racism. Blacks can shout it whenever they feel they don't like somebody. You hit somebody who attacked you first, if they're black, racism. You ignore someone simply because you don't want to talk to anyone, and you have talked to them previously, if they're black...racism. (That was from personal experience.) I hope somebody who is not a "white supremacist" (as we all are) reads this, and sends me their comments.

More on racism tomorrow.

Today's thought: Why is it that when you have strong opinions that go against the norm, you either become ostraciszed and a martyr, or you become repressed and bitter?

11-27-00

First, sorry guys, no racism tonight. And, sorry for the delay, but I have been busy, if you can't tell from the new front.

Tonight's topic: an outsider's view on romance.

I have a friend who is in college. She is dating a manly-man, who is not. He is the hunting, build log cabin, outdoors type of guy who isn't intellectual. She is falling in love with him, but doesn't know if he is, and doesn't want to scare him, yet doesn't know if he is. (please send suggestions)

So, what I really want to talk about is this thing that we call romance, and love. I have never been. Lust...yes, love...no. Sorry guys, but I honestly haven't. I do like some girls for their attitudes that you cannot have another girl imitate. But, in all honesty, I haven't been on a real date, and haven't fallen in love. Then, again, do I want a girlfriend? Sex is the benefit, love may occur, it may not, and hassles just outweigh the sex.

First, I have a skewed vision of what love and sex really mean. Well, maybe not sex, but definately love. My next screenplay analyzes some neurotic love. Be on the look out, due out next Winter, probably after break. I don't think that I am lonely. I have friends, and I like having time to myself, but, sometimes, I think that there is too much time, especially late at night. Maybe, I just need a roommate. What I don't need is a neurotic woman though.

Let me tell you about my last up close and personal analyzation of love. It was my ex-roommate. His name is J. He was dating a Junior in high school, who was in Texas (his hometown). One example of neuroses is that she would call every fucking night btw. 8-10 and stay on the phone until min. 1-2 am. He would have to put her to sleep on the phone, not allowed to hang up first if she fell asleep on the phone. Now, as a roommate of this shit, I came out damaged. Thanks J.

So, all of the women I know whom I would like to date are taken, or, not sure, probably out of my league. But, then again, I don't have time. I don't need a relationship. I just need to feel a good love. My last attempt at a realistic love story came out shitty. It is "As the Ball Drops," and it is only 17 pgs. long. Check it out. So, if you have any opinions, please e-mail me.

Today's thought: "So you see, my son, there's a fine line between love and nausea." - Coming to America

12-3-00

First, I would like to say screw reports, they give me 90 min of sleep on Thursday night.

Tonight's talk is about friendship and brotherhood. Also about everybody's expectations from others. Tonight, I realized that humans are generally selfish. Ok, I didn't just now realize this, but I feel like talking about it. Brotherhood should be a give and take relationship. It shouldn't be just a parasitic relationship, as it seems with some people. One of my previous experiments (failed) seems to have become a parasite in the worst kind of way. I never knew him before college, but once I saw him in the college environment (full-emotions blazing away), I dunno...it kind of bugged me. But, I was still his good friend, and wanted him to confide in me, now I can barely get him to shut up.

This is the romantic I am talking about. I think that he is practically bi-polar. Worse than most women who men jokingly call 24-hour PMSers. He is happy one moment, and then is depressed or angry the next. I cant quite understand it. His emotions are so extreme. I know that mine aren't. I try to keep mine in check. Once in awhile my emotions will lash out. However, if I am interested in getting him to do something for me, it is like pulling teeth. However, I am still his friend, and want to do things with him, I just have different ideas of what I want to the extreme. I also have different ideas on how people should act and react.

I dunno, but I always thought that brotherhood was not so much as doing favors for each other, but like, if not love, everybody. Some people just make that difficult if not downright impossible. While I don't expect him to mould, I expect most people to be tolerable and try to be likable instead of letting their raw emotions take control of them. It makes it so much easier to like them. Plus, it makes life easier for the person as well. I guess this isn't really about brother hodo so much as expectations. I should write on brotherhood tomorrow, but...

Two thoughts for tonight:
"You can't always get what you want." - Rolling Stones

"It's impressive to see a man feeding off his emotions" - Se7en (Its a sarcastic quote)

12-6-00

OK, I have added more pages to my movie list. Check out that link. Also, the sneak preview is up.

Today's topic: Stupidity and hypocriticism. This topic is because of the Daily. The Daily prints editorials from various people, and has weekly ones from certain people. Erin McQuinn is one of the weeklies, and she is either a) a very sarcastic person who doesn't know how to trasmit it through writing, or b) a very stupid person who doesn't know any better. Since she is a sorority girl, and I have heard from others that she is dumb, I will tend to agree with the first statement. (Not all sorority girls are dumb or naive, just most.)

A recap of some of her articles: an explanation of the superficial superiority of U of M over MSU, a topic of her inability to argue her opinion with her family once she is allowed to sit with them (Erin, there is a reason you weren't allowed to sit there...YOU'RE STUPID), a recap of media-hyped opinions about George W. Bush with her commentary added in, and a commentary of how you should "tell it like it is." All of this was dealt with in the most vapid and uninspired ways. I don't know how she got in this school, but everybody in her class is cheering for making the curve drop.

I wish she would add some sarcastic words, or hyperbole if she is going to be sarcastic. Once, she tried to save herself by saying that she was, many weeks after the fact.

And, they print reader letters. Today's paper features an idiot who is against letting people drink and strip when they are 18. He doesn't give any good reasons for not letting adults do what adults want, however, he sure doesn't discriminate against letting people kill and die when they are 18. Hmmm.

And finally, the friend of topic yesterday. A Bible person he is. He is one of the most naive people I have met here, in person, at UofM. He is homophobic, and hates gays as a group simply because "it says to in the Bible." He also doesn't go to church. I think that I have become Atheistic (still doubting) for many reasons, which I can see I don't have time to go into tonight. But, anyways, he is a person whose emotions control him more than logic, and, thus, has become uncontrollably hypocritical in that he will do and say one thing, but disagree with it the next. Grrr.

Today's thought: "Who laughs last? A question not a task, I ask, what's your reason, do you believe in anything?...Take your packaged rebellion, move on, revolution on your sleeve, if you say it mean it, if you mean it, do it, you can't live your life through me." - Anthrax - "Packaged Rebellion"

12-10-00

There is so much to write about, and I am so tired. First, I guess let's talk superficially. Friday was the anniversary of John Lennon's death. That was sad. Also, I found out that I am very dense, and naive (although I hope not an naive as I think, but I dunno.). But, I want to start with a little bit of liquor.

First, my fraternity had battle of the bands this weekend. It was at Chi Psi. One guy prepartied a little too hard, and was overly wasted by 11:30. He needs help. While I like drinking and getting drunk, and I could do that, where is the fun in it? But his breath was raunch, and I told him so, and he got pissed (because a mint made it worse) and stormed out. Why do people drink like this? I can't quite tell yet. I drank like that, but I learned my lesson (well not really, but most of the time).

Next, women. I don't want one, but I want somebody to experiment on or with. I dunno, maybe this is maturity. I don't want to grow up (I'm a Toys 'R Us kid) and be adult. I want to let the little brat reign free. But, I can't help myself. And, I don't want just sex. Sex is fun, but not worth the hassle of relationships. And, I want to have sex either with somebody who will hate me or love me. I dunno.

I am really tired, and am going to bed, so I won't write much today.

Today's thought: "Imagine all the people..." - John Lennon

12-13-00
Well, I know that at least one of my classes was canceled, so I am updating this thought page in celebration.

This page is actually a form a therapy for me and anybody else who writes like this. One friend (Janus Machine) updates his page about as frequently as I do. You can almost read through his downward spiral. I am not sure what everything means over there, but that just makes me like him all the more for being such a mysterious character that is not easily definable.

So, this is my first diary type thing. In high school, I never kept a diary, keeping all of my thoughts hidden from everybody. I dunno if these are all of my thoughts, or just the ones that I am willing to show everybody, but anybody who reads this regularly can tell how they have gone from structured and impersonal to random and semi-personal. Maybe its the group of friends that has helped me to this plateau of mental health, and maybe its this page. I dunno.

Why is social-sadism such fun, and why aren't there that many girls that enjoy it. I mean, I do enjoy some of the reactions that I can get from the sorority girl types when I tell them some of my stories, but I wish there was some girl who wouldn't be offended, and actually relish in them. Maybe even try to top mine. That would be a very cool chick to hang out with. I still dunno if I want a girlfriend, but I know that I don't want to get married. I think that I just want sex.

Some words on social-sadism, and what it means to me. Social-sadism is another form of experimentation on humanity. Sometimes, you know the reaction, and are trying to duplicate it in a real-life environment, and sometimes you are going for new variations on the same reaction. The problem is that for most, there is a sever lack of subjects to experiment on. According to the Spark, I am an experimenter (Dominant, Introverted, Abstract Thinker). This puts me one off from a politician, but I must be too crass for that one. So, offending is very easy for me, and I think I need some self-control. But, I don't want it.

P.S. As much as I want to quote the Bible, I refuse to do so.

Today's thought: "You have the brain of a 4 year old child, and I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it." - Horse Feathers

12-14-00
Well, I have finished two of my classes. One more final to go. Its the worst one, but oh well. So, now...onto your regularly scheduled thought process.

So, now I am recovering from the whirlwind that is brotherhood. Let me explain what brotherhood means to me. Yes, I finally brought the subject back.

Brotherhood is a feeling that one can't really put into words. It is love, but not the romantic kind. It means that you will get each others back if needs be. It means that you look out for one another. It also means learning about one another and about yourself at the same time. It has this intangible feel to it.

But, you have to earn this respect and love. You can't just demand it, or be in the same fraternity as somebody and automatically love them. They will also get mad at you, and some may not like you. Personalities clash, and I realize this, and I think others do too.

Maybe I have a penchant for being to judging of other people. Maybe I am too quick to estimate people's intelligence and/or their personalities. Maybe I just need to find my self and rearrange it. I don't quite know what needs to happen for me to be more accepting, but I am not sure that I want to be that person.

I like my self, and myself. I like who I am, and I won't change just for my own piddling desires. I think that I am changing anyways. If you read my history ---->, then you will find out some more about me. I think that what I am writing down is the real me. It is slowly detiorating the wall that I put up myself during the time of Middle and High School. I don't know if my wit is deadening, or if my wit is sharpening. I wonder if I am getting overly-emotional, or not. I wonder if my laundry is done.

So, to get on with life, one must deaden one's senses to the world. One must be immune to emotions. I have no idea how brotherhood turned into this, but you can tell about me from it.

So, final thoughts on brotherhood: Brotherhood should be experience by everybody Greek and otherwise. It should be the feeling of comraderie that is experienced between close friends. Not only good men but boys and villains and everybody should experience the feeling. And, they should also experience getting tired of people to be a well-rounded person.

Today's thought: "The me that you know, he doesn't come around much, that part of me is changing...I am becoming." - nine inch nails, "The Becoming"

12-19-00
Well, here is my last hour here at the good ol University of Michigan. I have done my last test, and will be taking my leave of this place shortly. Yesterday, I was going to make this long, rambling entry here, but I decided not to. But, here are my thoughts for today.

First, I still don't quite know if I want everybody I know reading this, yet i think that I have a secret desire to be an exhibitionist. IOW, the object of a voyeur. Not really, in the physical sense, but more in the mental sense. I want people to at least skim what I have to read, if not think vicariously through my thoughts. Hopefully this website will be the biggest thing eventually. Yeah, who am I kidding? Yet, I don't want people to know the inner workings of me when they talk to me, but I guess that this is an inevitable concession to this whole crazy ride that we call life.

Next, last night I was in a weird, deep, and dark mood. I was looking at the Stile Project, which is really perverted. i think that you should all check this site out. It is amusing. Another one is scanned cat contest. Both are in my links. However, I realized that I don't want people pandering to my every thought, whim, or concession. I don't want to be placated by my friends. Sure, it gives me the kind of boost that I sort of crave, but it is am empty hollow segment of life. I dunno, maybe I just try too hard, or nt hard enough.

If you read this, and I hope it is something that you procrastinate doing, please realize that i don't need your sympathy. I don't need your I want to be treated differently. I want to be treated like I don't know any better, because sometimes I don't. I may argue, or at least give some resistance, but that is all part of the show, so sit back and enjoy. Just don't act the way I think you will if it is an unnatural reaction.

Finally, I still don't quite know what I want out of life. I still think i want to grow up being a bachelor, but I am still not sure, I dunno. I want money, fame, riches, and power, all the stuff that i know I won't have. I am the biggest cynic when it comes to the future, because the future sucks. So, take what you want from this.

P.S. I had a great thought quote for this while i was in the shower, but I have since forgotten it. If you remember please tell me what it was.

Today's thought: "All I want out of life is a 30 share and a 20 rating." - Network

12-20-00
Well, I am back home, and still updating this page. You guys had betetr appreciate that. It took me forever to get the damn information so I could set up my computer.

So, nobody reads this thing. At least that is what my counter tells me. I am trying to get this on the yahoo search engine, but I still haven't recieved a reply from them. If you are reading this, and you work there, at least tell me that you are considering it, please. Yes, I do update this thing.

So, I guess that I am not going to Orlando after all. Oh well, I guess that i can desire having a great time in Ohio for that convention in February, and a great time going to Spring Break.

I don't really have much to say today. Not much thought provoking happened today. Maybe this is because I already know what is going on with my family, maybe its for any other unknow reasons, but this will end pretty soon, and the whole thing is pretty superficial.

Finally, I saw tonight's South Park. How great was that. Commercialism has become the true meaning of Christmas. All it is is crazy insane Christmas shopping, last minute for us college kids, and everything else.

Merry Christmas.

Today's thought: "We forgot all the big things about Christmas like commercialism and gifts and got caught up in the little things like love and family." - South Park

01-02-01
It feels so good to write 01. I love new years...I wish they came more often. It is so cool to finally say its the new year, and i can...

So, anyways a word about togetherness, and living alone. I love living alone. I don't like the bass wars, but I like living alone. I dunno, there is something about having the time for reflection (as well as other stuff) that I just love. I hate having people wanting to talk to me every waking moment (unless its online...but that's different, and I can always go offline.)

So, one of the reasons I am saying this is thati did not get a chance to finish my screenplay. I was living at home, and my fam was there, and they wanted to talk to me constantly. Only at night did I ever have time alone...i just didn't use it wisely becase I was too busy catching up on the movies I had watched, and talking to my friends online. I like being social until all hours of the night. The daytime is generally my time for reflection on the day's occurances. Hence, the reason that these messages generally don't get written until the day after they're dated. I write them before i go to bed, so it is generally after midnight.

I am finally in Ann Arbor, and I like having this time to myself. Although, I am feeling a bit social right now, I like having this quiet time (with the exception of the weird sounds that the refrigerator is making). I can think, I can write, I can react. And, nobody is really being demanding of my time right now.

Another thing i love is the pseudo-independence. It is just one of the greatest feelings in the world. This is because it feels like you're being independent, but you know, deep in your heart, that you are really dependent on your parents, or somebody for money and such. Yet, you can do almost anything that you want. The only limits are the enforcable, and enforced laws...if you're careful none of the laws really apply.

So, welcome back to Ann Arbor everybody who is there. Welcome back to work and school for all of you elsewhere. I will see you in the next day or so. And, finally have a good millenium.

Today's quote: "Sometimes spaghetti likes to be alone." - Big Night

01-04-01
I still cannot say enough about writing 01-01...another cool date will be 01-10-01, and 01-11-01. Just thinking a little too much.

Last night, I had some, how should I put it...disheartening news. My friend, who isn't exactly a whiz kid at math, I think has some idolatry issues to deal with. First let me tell you guys about him. I have been writing about this guy for awhile. He is the hopeless romantic. He also has some issues besides his romanticism that he can't quite deal with. He seems to have an inferiority complex, which comes out as pride.

First, he is overly religious, yet bows to the sins of the flesh. He engages in one of the deadly sins, lust, but its alright because it is not one of the ten commandments (all of which is a crock, but that's just my opinion).

Next, he is an aspiring musician. He seems to idolize anybody who has an ounce (and not much more) of talent. He also aspires to be an actor. And, finally, he is a person who likes everything to be light, and not his fault. In all honesty, he doesn't seem to take any responsability for his actions, mainly bad...unless they work out for the best.

So, now he is changing majors. He hasn't taken a single physics course here at the good ol' U of M, nor has he done much with math. Yet, now here's the kicker, he wants to become an Aerospace Engineer. For those of you who don't know (I really need a stats page), that is my major. So, I dunno if its just my egomania speaking (more about that tomorrow), but I think this may be my influence. I dunno if he idolizes me...God I hope not...but it seems to be more than a coincidence. If he wants to be an engineer, he should be EECS, or ChemE, or IOE, but not Aero. He could also stay in LS and Play, and become a CS major. But, no...he wants to be an Aero. I don't understand it, but you know.

So, in conclusion, I kind of hope that he doesn't at least flunk out of school because he will have to work hard for his grades. I slacked through them, and got decent grades (Nothing to be really proud of this semester, but for the level of work I did...). And, I can't say that I didn't warn him.

P.S. Tell me if you see anything as humorous, or if everything on these pages are played out for serious.

Today's thought: "You don't know what you're dealing with do you? Perfect organism. It's structural perfection matched only by its hostility." - Alien

(Take that anyway you want)

01-06-01
A little bit more about me...responses welcome (maybe even expected...ha ha ha). Also, yes, I already understand the fact that all of these have been about me.

I have a wicked mean sense of humor. I know that it is one of the most vulgar, dark, and ofeensive that I have seen in a person. Only a couple can really match it. Some people I know have a mocking sense of humor, but it just comes out as plain funny. I was mocking a person who deserves mocking, but he didn't realise that I was joking. He thought that I actually had a chip on my shoulder. (Actually I do, but not aimed towards him so much as the world in general, see my bio in the future)

What I am really curious about is how many people are able to tell the difference of when I am joking and when I am serious. I know when, but that's rather obvious. I make it easy to tell at times, and then sometimes, I try to make it difficult.

The thing is, I don't know why I have this sense of humor. I know that I can take it as much as I dish it out...hell it would be hypocritical of me if I didn't. But, I just developed this humor when I was younger (mainly 6th grade-9th. If you want to know more about that...tough.

Another thing I wanted to talk about was parties, music, and women. First, I finally went to Canada over break. Man, the first bar we went to resembles a fraternity party. It's like bad music from the top 10 dance charts, groups of people in stereotypical modes, and no rhythms. Then we hit a bar called Wired. This bar resembled the bar like the one the Terminator attacked Sarah Connor in in the first movie. It had techno music (how cool is that?), and a gothy steely look. I was in Hellfire heaven. I had my raver clothes, and the only thing I didn't have was X. While I wasn't trying to pick up women (how could I, I lived in a whole different country), I did notice a few things. One was that there was a group of three women (at least) who were wearing red tops and black pants. Another had black top and red pants. But, the main thing that stood out among all of these women: THEY HAD NO RHYTHM. And, that will be covered more in my next rant. For, now, I am running out of the space that I have allocated myself.

Today's thought: "Are you trying to develop a sense of humor, or am I going deaf?" - Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

01-07-01
To continue with yesterday's rant...many women have no rhythm. I do believe that the same may be true with guys, except for I don't go searching for/lusting after them. Sorry guys, you are just not my type. Further information on homosexuality later (maybe next rant). On Friday, I got into the SAE (Sigma Alpha Epsilon) party. I went with Chris, Jeb, and Jordan (no I did not have my camera). I wasn't really looking for anybody to hook up with, just somebody to dance with. (More about dancing partners later, per request). But, none of these girls had any rhythm either.

Why is this? Why don't these girls who think they can dance borrow some from those that can dance altogether too well? (I realise the Harrison Bergeron parallels, and am ignoring them quite well thank you). The three things I look for in order are:
1. Rhythm.
2. Style/Fashion
3. Looks.

Rhythm is a necessity because if they don't have good rhythm, they aren't good in bed. They have no rhythm in any position, and you keep having to set the pace. Also, girls who have no rhythm are usually self-conscious, and/or self-centered, especially if it seems like they are trying to hard to dance to the beat. But, the thing is that sometimes these were easy beats to dance to easily, and these people made it look like work.

Style and fashion are not your typical things. They can't look like your typical sorority girl. Mainly, the girls who possess that style are only worthy of being experimented upon. They must have a semi-unique style, or have something out of style, or counter-culture style. These are very attractive as it says that they want to be noticed, but not by your typical person.

Finally looks. Not too important if they possess the above two qualities. They can't be butt ugly (although they can have a nice personality to offset this..."A dog is not filthy...Personality goes a long way"). So, this should answer your questions about sexual desires (and romantic for the P.I. people out there).

I think i have enough room to fulfill the above request. Two Fridays before Christmas (after classes ended), I went to a Theta Xi party. There was a girl there who was wearing jeans, and a t-shirt that had ripped off sleeves. I was wearing raver clothing. She backed into me (aimed and fired) and we started dancing together. I still haven't seen her face. But, she had some rhythm (danced semi-decently) and she had my pseudo-trailer-trash style. I liked that. But, she left when I went to the bathroom, but according to the requestor (who ignored subtle signals that night from another girl), she was a 4/10. But, she was fun. The numbers mean looks.

Today's thought: "I like to dissect women. Did you know I'm totally insane?" - American Psycho