At the end of the ninth grade I liked a boy named Nolan, but Nolan didn't like me. I was sad, but knew that the reason Nolan didn't like me was because I had led him on a year prior to that, and had made him miserable while he was with his dad in France, but still yet, I was sad. My friend Louis' best friend Eric had just broken off a really short relationship with my best friend, because neither of them were really into eachother. I some how talked with Louis' friend, whom I had known, but not talked to much, thinking he was an ass. He proved to be very nice, and was really cool about my broken heart. We became friends, and realized we had a whole lot in common at the time, so we hung out, the four of us, my best friend, louis, and louis' best friend Eric. Eric and I began to talk more and more, and began liking eachother. After about only a week of being friends, we talked about it, and decided that a relationship would not work, because it would ruin our friendship that we had, and we both valued the friendship. After a day or so of deciding that, Eric, Louis, and I were at Louis' house. Eric and I decided we would give the relationship a swing, you know, friends turn into lovers, or something like that. I snuck out to Louis' house that night, to see Eric. We were up all night talking, laughing, and he tried kissing me alot, but I wasn't into kissy kissy things, so I refused. I was going to keep myself from doing EVERYTHING until marige. I went home at around 7 in the morning, and boy was my mom mad. That day, I packed to go to California for some time, for my parents to goto a convention. Eric wanted me to stay with him the week that they were going, but My parents didn't agree, and before my parents got back, Eric was leaving for Washington DC. He would be gone for the majority of summer. Having just started a relationship, I didn't want to test it over two months of not seeing eachother, talking, or anything. So I talked to him, and broke it off, telling him we could go out when we were both back, that it wouldn't work while we were away for so long. He was furious to say the least. I felt awful. To help get rid of the pain, I led Nolan, who has mysteriously began liking me again, on. He took my mind off of it, and I didn't mean to lead him on, but I did. Late August, band camp came around. I was thrilled to be in the High School Marching band. It was then that I met my prince charming. I saw him, and my heart fluttered. He had long side burns, freshly cut hair, and the best pair of shoes I had ever seen. During the Introductions, He came up to my best friend and I, and introduced himself, his name was Chris, and his voice was dreamy. Over the next month or so, I liked him to myself, and with my friends. Fearing that since he was a senior he would do something mean if I even mentioned it. I had forgotten almost completely about Eric, only thinking of him when a friend brought him up. Then Chris noticed me. He gave me a ride home from school, and asked me to goto his joint birthday party with him and his friends grace and val. I was estatic. My best friend and I freaked, she stayed the night at my house so she could go, since her parents said she couldn't. Chris and I flirted the entire night, and on the way home, he even let me help him drive. Leah, his ex girlfriend, and our friend, shot daggers at me with her looks, but acted friendly. She gave my best friend warnings about Chris for me, that he only will use me to get sex, then dump me. I ignored them. Then one night at a KOP meeting, he invited me to go out for pie at sheris. I said no because I thought he wasnt serious. Time rolled around, and soon the end of october came. Chris and I got roomed together during the Haunted Castle, the other girl who had signed up for his room had gotten marked off, and since I had done it the first night, I got to do it other times too. My friends would cover my shift so that I could be with him. Then one night, afterwards, we went to his house, and carved pumpkins, and we fell asleep by the fire. The next morning, he took me to a place that he likes to go, it was an elementary school, he liked the area. I then went home, changed my clothes, and got lectured. Chris and I began dating around Halloween, the day after, some time on one of those days. He told me that Eric had warned him about me. I freaked out. I had thought that just because Eric hated me, didn't mean he had to make all my boyfriends hate me. I avoided Eric. In december, Chris broke up with me. I was shattered. The whole month of december was one big Depression fest for me. Finally, around the Begining of January, I was getting over him, and I felt fine without him, I was just afraid of when school started, if I didn't change at all. Then, the day before break, he called to say he missed me. We began dating again. After much persuing, we kissed. Then, after the Valentines dance, on February 9th, we had sex, for the first time. I had felt dirty. I had always said I wouldn't have sex. After that, I started to like it, and we had sex more and more. Then he told me we should break up, because the relationship was only physical, and he didn't want a physical relationshp, unless it was the other kind too. So I faught with him, and felt crappy, but ignored him, figuring he was just stupid. We never really broke up that time. He was there for me when I got into physical fights with my step dad, and seemed to look out for me. I rarely thought of Eric, unless it was Chris saying something, or having passed him in the hall and wanting to slug him. Then summer started. I began wondering, once summer started, what would have happened, had Eric and I stayed together. I didn't wonder it alot, but I did. I had his shoe on my light, but I shoved my wonders aside. With chris, things were going downhill. I was now the one feeling as though we had a physical relationship, in July, he left for Europe. Over the month that he was gone, I talked with friends about it, and greatly considered breaking the relationship off, because of some reason or another. He then called me from Detroit, while waiting for the plane to tell me he missed me. All the thoughts of destruction turned to thoughts of lust, and impatience for his arrival. It was a roller coaster after that, he would say something, that would piss me off, or do something, but I wouldnt say anything, so nothing was done. I feared he would break it off if I said something, and I was too attached. He would talk about how he didn't want to settle down, and how he wasnt ready for it. I would tell him I know, that I am only 16, and no wheres near being ready. One night after watching Moulin Rouge, I told him I wouldn't break his heart, and he told me I couldn't anyways. I could feel my heart crumbling as he finished it, but I tried to hold a regular face, after begining to cry, I went to the bathroom, in hopes that he wouldn't see. When I came out, neither of us said anything. We just watched the next movie. After a while, I got used to it, and told myself he was right, I couldn't even decide what I wanted for dinner, how would I decide on another guy. Then one night, someone messaged me on AIM. I wasn't sure who it was. But they were nice. I told them I felt crappy, and inferior to everything, and they told me I wasn't, and said other nice things to me. Finally, after an hour or so, I realized it was Eric. I looked in his profile, and felt a pang of sadness for how sad it sounded, it said something along the lines of 'but the feelings are not returned', I asked him about it, but he didnt want to talk about it, I accepted it, and we went on talking. He then asked me what languages I spoke, and said something, and got off. I translated what he had said in italian, and he had said that I was the one he wrote of in his profile, and that he cared alot for me. I freaked out. I talked with Zach about what to do, he told me to ignore it, that he had told Eric to. I decided I should, but couldn't help feeling the pull towards Eric, I wondered what would have happened. After sleeping on it, I realised I was dumb for even thinking about Eric, after all, I had Chris. But I still wanted to know what Eric realy had meant. I tried to talk to him online, but he only blocked me, saying he had to go. So I called him. He told me that he was just going to ignore it, and lock the emotions up and forget about them. I accepted it, and told him I hoped him and Zach had fun at the show they were going to, and bye. I almost thought he sounded sad, but pushed the thought away, as being my imagination, since Eric is the last thing but emotional. Then I was online later, and he IMed me. Eric wanted to know if what I had told Zach was true, that I was confused and did't know which way to go. I told him I was. We talked, and he poored out emotions that I didn't think he was capable of. I almost think he was lying. He just sounded so sweet. Saying that he didn't know if he had loved me, but each day his heart broke when he thought that he wouldn't have me, and all that good stuff. he had a way with words, he told me things that Chris had never told me. I started to wonder if maybe I should get to know Eric better. I asked if we could be friends, and get to know eachother, and he said he would love that. We began talking, well mainly me, and reminising about things, like the things that made me feel dirty, and that I didn't know why I did them. He told me that just because I had done drugs, drinken, and had sex that it was alright. We talked, and it just seemed perfect, I was so happy talking with him. Then he said bye, and I began wondering more than ever what to do. Now, I am left wondering what to do! Do I become friends with Eric, while still with Chris, then decide after getting to know Eric alittle better if I should go with him or chris? Or should I just stay with Chris and not think of Eric, since my sentiment is with Chris? Should I leave Chris and go with Eric, because there have been some downer times lately? Should I just leave Chris, and Ignore Eric, and turn Lesbian? I don't know what to do.. help? |
