Note: This page has sexual content!
posted October 25, 2005 (updated November 8, 2006)
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"Shh�don't let Jerry Falwell hear you," Julinda said.
You chuckled. You looked at the two women. Your face went blank.
"Would you like to see my bachelorette pad?" you asked them in as blas� a manner as possible.
19.6 minutes later, at 12:23 AM, you were sitting between Andi and Julinda on the edge of your bed in your East Village apartment�"two forty-five a month and all the roaches I can eat," you liked to say, though you'd never get around to telling either of your companions this. You'd led them immediately to the bedroom upon arrival. You'd made your bed that morning, as you'd done every morning since childhood and would continue to do until your second one-night stand nine years later. You had a bedspread from the early Sixties, a white bedspread with line drawings of smiling, goggle-eyed anthropomorphic animals�a lion holding a feather duster, a tiger pushing a vacuum cleaner, a rhino stirring a pot on a stove. You called this bedspread the feminist bedspread because it showed male animals doing traditional women's work. You'd never get around to telling the two women this, either.
You looked to your left, past Julinda, toward the stacks of plastic milk crates stacked up against the far wall. You used the crates as a bookcase, LP rack, seven-inch single rack, 1950s-early 1960s tchotchke display case, makeup storage case, and receptacle for the chunks of bubblegum-colored paint falling from your apartment walls. Everyone was still fully clothed. Julinda had her arm around you. Andi had her arm on Julinda's arm. You kept looking at the bookcase.
"Don't be nervous, Thea," Julinda said.
"Yeah, we're gentle and sensitive and all that crap," Andi said.
"How romantic," you said, no longer looking at the bookcase. "I've never been with a woman, much less two women at the same time."
"Are you a virgin?" Julinda asked.
"No."
"Who was the lucky guy, if I may ask?"
"Ray O'Malley?"
"Ray O'Malley?!" Andi asked with a laugh. "That jerk from Fatty Fat Head?"
"Yeah�.It was last June, my fifth day in the city. I was at Feedback Loop that night for the first time, sitting at the bar, sipping ginger ale and listening to the bloops and bleeps the deejay was playing. Not the most exciting experience. I was about to leave when Ray walked up to me and said the greatest pick-up line ever." You lowered your voice and adopted his fake Jamaican accent: "''Ey, you may have pimples, mon, butchoo still get my motor runnin'!'"
"Classy. You should've fucked him right there on the bar."
"I almost did. I'd been really horny since moving to the city. Anyway, I said 'Thanks, mon,' which he seemed to find a little too amusing. I would've told him to take a powder toot sweet, but my horniness won out. We talked for a while, he invited me back to his place, we went there, got drunk, and the rest is history. My first time...and my first one-night stand."
"Congratulations, slut."
"Thanks."
"So how was it, your first time?" Julinda asked.
You shrugged your shoulders. "Eh."
"Well, it was only your first time."
"Yeah."
"Or maybe you really are gay."
"I don't know. The funny thing is, when he was in me?, I started thinking about Ovaltine for some reason."
"Hmph. I'm a Nestl�'s Quik type of gal myself."
"And I like mainlining Carnation Instant Breakfast myself," Andi said.
"Heh," you said. You stared at Julinda. "You know, I haven't spoken to him since, but I did base my song 'Fleen the Obscene' on him."
"Wow," she said. "Did he tear off your underwear, or tell you not to touch his hair?"
"Nah, all that was just artistic embellishment�.Unless bras count as underwear."
"They could."
She started kissing you. Andi started caressing your left breast.
When you were 10 years old in 1975, you were sitting on the family room couch, reading that Twinkle Twins comic for the millionth time (that golden oldie from two years ago, reprinting that 1966 story where the twins beat their nemesis, Witch Wartface, in the 685th annual Magicland surfing competition), when your mother walked in and said "Thea, there's someone here to see you." That someone entered the room. "You remember Mr. Hollis, right? From Captain Clipper's?" A week had passed since your first and so far only visit to that restaurant. "Well...I'm involved with him now."
"Hi, sweetie," he said, stroking the top of your head. Yep, he was your mother's latest boyfriend all right; he showed that self-conscious affability all your mother's boyfriends showed at first around you.
"Hi, Mr. Hollis," you said, closing your comic book and apathetically laying it beside you on the couch.
"You can call me Ted, okay?"
"Okay." You'd known he would tell you to call him by his first name.
"You're as pretty as your mom, did you know that?"
"Yes."
"Heh heh, you certainly have a healthy self-image, don't you?" He stroked the top of your head again. "I hope you're not too busy to join us for some ice cream."
The three of you got into his maroon Cadillac and set off for Robb's Frozen Treats and Mexican Food, that take-out stand known for the eight-foot statue on its roof: a busty anthropomorphic cow in green minidress and orange sombrero. Ted drove. Your mother sat next to him in the front. You sat in the back. The seats were maroon, too, and felt like the felt lining of your mother's jewelry box. You watched her keep glancing at him. She always kept glancing at her new boyfriends. You always watched her do so. "How'd you two get together?" you asked.
"It was a day after that trip to the restaurant," your mother said. "I went back there to apologize formally for the contretemps." Not only did your mother never split an infinitive, but she knew a few French words such as "contretemps" that she pronounced correctly. "I may have overreacted just a little, I realized in hindsight. Anyway, we got to talking, and I liked his company so much I asked him to dinner. And he accepted my invitation."
"Good thing I like liberated ladies."
"Yes."
"So what happened to Stuart?" you asked.
"Stuart? I just gave him a warning," Ted said. "I knew your mom had overreacted, but he was long overdue for a warning anyway. He was always screwing up orders or showing disrespect to the customers. So I told him to shape up or ship out. Since then, he's improved considerably in his on-the-job performance."
"Guess he didn't want to ship out."
"No doubt about that."
You felt stupid for saying something so obvious. And who says "shape up or ship out" anyway?
When you were 20 years old in 1985, Julinda lay nude on her back on your bedspread, and you lay on your stomach, your head above her crotch, her hands caressing the sides of your head. She was the first nude black person you'd ever seen in real life. (You'd grown up in an all-white neighborhood and attended an all-white school, but you did eat some tortilla chips every now and then at Robb's Frozen Treats and Mexican Food.) Your hands parted her pubic hair. You looked at her face. She stared at you with bemused expectation. You closed your eyes and started lowering your head toward her crotch.
Andi, also nude, kneeled behind you by the edge of the bed. You wore only your sheer white stockings with the black polka dots, the stockings you considered your most modern. She slowly ran her hands down the backs of your legs, but that action felt more perfunctory than pleasurable to you. She wasn't a leg person, you thought. Suddenly her head dived toward your left buttock, bumping into it and thrusting your nose past Julinda's crotch and onto her abdomen.
"Ow!" Julinda exclaimed.
"Sorry," you said.
"I'm an energetic gal, what can I say," Andi said.
She started kissing your left buttock with wet smacking sounds. You laughed.
"What's so funny?" she asked.
"I didn't know my ass sounded so swampy," you said.
Julinda laughed.
"You wanna have a threeway or not?" Andi asked you with slight annoyance.
You sat up on the bed.
"Calm down, Andi," you said.
"I am calm," she said. "I'm a calm harlot."
"Uh, right. I hope you don't mind my asking, but have you two ever been in any threeways?"
"Sure, lots of times, but in our minds," Julinda answered. "This is our inaugural run."
"Great. I'm flattered you chose me, but why me? Why am I the first?"
"Um, your songwriting ability impressed us?" Andi replied.
"Get serious."
"You have a hot body?"
You frowned.
"Okay, okay, all seriousness aside. How about plan B?" Andi asked.
"Plan B?" Julinda asked.
"You two go at it while I watch. And masturbate. At least we'd all get erotic pleasure."
"Hmm, plan B. That sounds promising. What do you think, Thea?"
"I don't know. I'll have to mull over the logistics of that."
You immediately dove atop Julinda and started kissing her.
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