Pain Filled Reflections

Portrait of a Slayer Interlude

Author: Emma

Disclaimer: Don't own anything, so please don't sue. (And when you see what I put Buffy though you should be happy that I don't.)

Rating: NC-17 Reflections on her torture. If this isn't your thing, please don't read. Flames are not needed.

Notes: This is the first fic that I have ever posted so please be kind. This is set after Portrait of a Slayer III. If want the last part which is yet to be archived, let me know.

Dedicated to Tali and Sandy for being the very best and putting up with me!!!!!

Feedback: Is VERY welcome. Constructive criticism is also wanted. Flames will be used to roast marshmallows.

So with no further adieu....

XxxxxxxxxX

She lay on her bed, sobbing quietly. He had left her again, like he always did.

Every night for the past two weeks she has spent each moment waiting for him, wanting him. Every time she patrolled she looked for him, searching with her eyes, her senses. Searching most of all for the feeling she got every time he was near.

It was a different sensation than she uses to get when Angel had been the one she was aware of. She had never felt Angel this strongly. In the club last night, she had known he was there well before she had seen him in the ally. If she was being totally honest she had known that he would be there to tonight. That was why she had dressed up for the first time in two weeks. That was why she hadn't bothered with underwear, saving him the time of having to rip them off her. Or rip them off herself if he hadn't.

Having dropped out of school made it worse in some ways, now she had all the daylight hours to think about him with few distractions. She had thought about going back to school, but a night with him had her in bed for a least a few days healing enough to patrol, let alone the time it took before she could were her normal clothing. And sitting for six hours on the chairs they had at school? Seeing Willow, Xander, Oz and even Cordy every day would be just too painful. She didn't belong in the daylight anymore and she didn't even want to.

But then seeing her friends at night was just as painful. Every time she watched Oz and Willow walk around holding hand. Cordy and Xander necking in the shadows she remember when it had been her and Angel doing that and in her minds eye she always saw the picture he had drawn her on their second night. Angel would be weeping if he could see what she was becoming. She some how recognized that he hadn't yet finished with her, that he was trying to mold her into something. She suspected when he finished was she would die at his hands.

And she didn't really care. Ever since her first night with him she had stopped dreaming of Angel. She knew that if by some quirk of Fate Angel came back she would never be able to tell Angel of her love. The feeling he invoked in her had overwhelmed everything in her life. The thing that now terrified her the most was the idea that he would leave her. Something she considered inevitable.

More and more she found herself keeping vampire hours. Sleeping until dusk, staying up all the night, whether or not he came to her. Falling asleep around nine in the morning. The only difference was she liked to watch the sunrise. It was funnily enough the only time he wasn't here that she felt close to him.

"I love him." she whispered shamefully. "I love him and I need him. And I hate myself for it. But I can't seem to stop."

Moaning in pain at every move she forced herself out of the bed, sobs still shaking her body, to the phone, calling Willie again. Fingers dialing the number that had become memorized she closed her eyes and concentrated on breathing, not worrying about anything else

"Willie?"

"Slayer?" Willies voice was almost sympathetic, his friend had obviously spilled the beans on why she needed a doctor that her friends didn't know about.

"Yep, could you get.?" She trailed off when Willie started speaking over the top of her.

"She's right here. I'll pass it over, ok?"

Buffy nodded even though she knew Willie couldn't see her and waited for the other woman to come to the phone. Almost sobbing from the pain inside her body she gasped and took a deep breath.

"Yes Slayer?"

Closing her eyes and resting her head against the window she said softly, "Um. h-he he was here, c-co-could you." her voice trial off knowing what the woman on the other end would be asking next.

"What are your injuries Slayer? What happened?" The voice was totally professional, as it should be after all the woman was a qualified and registered doctor. She was also a witch of high standing and a demon able to pass for human

Blushing faintly she muttered into the phone, "Brands and wax burns inside. inside my.." She couldn't say it.

"Oh." even the woman sounded shocked, "I have to go to my office and get some supplies. Do you need some drugs for the pain?"

Buffy whispered into the phone, "No. he'd be angry."

Not acknowledging the Slayers words she curtly stated, "It will take me an hour. I want you to soak in a cool bath until then. Leave the door un-locked for me. I remember when the bathroom is. One hour." The woman repeated again before hanging up.

Dropping the phone down Buffy made her way into the bathroom, more tears streaming down her face as the images from the nights activities swamped her. Reaching into the bath she pulled the plug on the water still there from when she had shaved herself and watched it drain away, absently taking the mirror out and placing it on the vanity. Turning back to the bath she ran the water again as she painfully moved around the room, putting things away.

When the tub was full she gingerly stepped into it. Letting out a muffed scream as the movement rubbed her burnt lips together she whimpered and lifted the other leg, carefully laying down in the water, moaning as each pain made it's self re-known. Closing her eyes against the tears that had yet to stop flowing she let herself cry.

Her tears where not tears of pain, nor were they tears of anger. They where tears of grief, pure and simple. Each time he came and took her, hurt and beat, degraded and exulted her. Then he left her alone and bereft, waiting for him again.

Waiting for the pain she had come to crave, his presence that she now needed. She was a pitiful girl she knew. He had twisted her so badly she couldn't even get herself off anymore. Oh, if she hurt herself she got wet, but with out his cruel voice ringing in her ears or his fangs feeding from her, mildly aroused was as good as it got.

Looking up at the ceiling she sighed and tried to relax her body, not very successfully, resigning herself to another wait until he come back to her again. Closing her eyes she wondered if she would ever be able to live her only remaining fantasy, to fall asleep and then wake up in the arms of her demon lover, Angelus.