WOMEN IN AFGHANISTAN

Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us

for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons,

grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate,

and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across

the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff

like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable

enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble. We've had our children,

we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their

future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left

already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of

finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being

struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose.

We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet,

and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America

and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile

terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all! We've spent years

tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting

events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem.

Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh,

please... We've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended

families at Thanksgiving dinners for years... we understand tribal warfare.

Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is

for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and

money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize

it... with or without the government's help!

Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we

crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain.

I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too!