PERFORMANCES
Getting stupid on stage is what it's all about.
STAND UP COMEDY
Now this is something I've thought about doing for a long time, but never really got the nerve to actually do it. Well... in 2006, I finally did it. I did a show at The Ice House Comedy Club in Pasadena, and a show at The Comedy Store in Hollywood.
Now I will share with you a funny story from this open mic I did. It was at this coffee shop across the street from Amoeba on Sunset. It was okay at first, because I realized all the comedians were just testing material, and most likely beginners. So it wasn't funny... but I looked past that, and waited for my turn. Somewhere after the 3rd or 4th guy, every comedian that went up either joked about race, religion, sex, or President Bush. OHHHH, HOW ORIGINAL!!! Hollywood loves that shit, though. Fuckin' trendy morons. They pride themselves on being so damn creative and different, but you really find out a lot of these assholes are all the same. One of the comedians actually said "I don't understand why we support the troops, think of what you're supporting!" and people actually applauded that bullshit! When it was my turn to go up, I was fairly confident, because if they were so willing to laugh and appreciate the lowest of the low, then surely they'd enjoy something they've never seen before, right? Wrong! 2 minutes into my act, I realized that these people weren't worth it. So what should I do? Just walk off and feel insulted? No! I was going to make them remember me! I ended my routine early with something I had never tried before. What I had done my last few shows was end on a physical level. I'd fake like I was beating the shit out of myself to showcase my ability to do minor stunts, which usually impressed the crowd quite a bit. This time, I took it to another level. After punching myself in the mouth, and slugging my stomach enough to cause bruises, I flipped myself onto my back (I have really bad back problems, by the way. I can't even go on rollercoasters). When I got up, I was bleeding from the mouth. I thought this was sure to get a laugh out of people. I mean, if I were to see someone do that to themselves, my first instinct would be to laugh. Instead, the host of the open mic show got up and said "Get away from the mic, you're done." People just kind of stared at me in shock. As I left, I spit a big glob of blood into their trashcan and said, "Thanks for not laughing."
SATANIC SKIPPER
This character was created when my drama assignment was to make up a commercial for an object that was not what it really was. For those of you who don't know what the hell I'm talking about, here's an example: The object is a ruler, but the ad is for a knife...and you'd pretend the ruler was a knife. Crappy example, I know, but my ad was awesome. My object was a little pumpkin mask thing made from a paper plate and a popsicle stick by the drama teacher's little daughter. I wore it as a mask, but pretended to be the new action figure for all the kids...Satanic Skipper. The children would laugh and play, until their parents got them Satanic Skipper, where they would then get possessed or brutally murdered. The ad went well...got an A. Then I had this crazy idea to make a musical starring Satanic Skipper. The first song was called Sailing to Hell, about a young punk who kills a sailor, then steals his boat, but crashes and drowns soon after. The guy goes to hell and becomes the Satanic Skipper, who must take all lost souls to hell in his boat of evil. The second song was called Suicidal Sailor about a certain lost soul who reminds Satanic Skipper of the sailor he killed back when he was human. The last song was called Too Many Souls on My Ship. That was about Satanic Skipper's boat of evil slowly sinking because of the weight of all the lost souls he was taking to hell, so he jettisons some of the souls into the sea of blood and death. Actually, I performed a few of these in drama, but it didn't go as well as the first appearance of Satanic Skipper. The class was pretty annoyed that I recycled such a character. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.
KNEE TO THE GROIN
This might be the most well known of my performances. I learned to appreciate that people liked this one, even though it was definitely not my favorite. In drama class, the assignment was to come up with some sort of chant or chorus to repeat or sing and act along with it. Everyone just said stuff over and over again, not even singing. Mine was the best...though I wasn't expecting it to be. I wrote the damned thing in less than two minutes. It was last minute, but very easy and laid back. When the time came for me to go up and do my thing, I started singing "Knee to the groin, knee to the groin, knee to the groin, knee to the groin!" in almost a parody opera voice. Then the first verse, "There once was a man named Enis, who had an unusually large..." my friend Keith came out with a prop shotgun "...gun." Everyone laughed, of course, it was the most obvious joke. (I think that's why this wasn't my favorite. It was too easy for my type of comedy.) I still sang, "He got a knee to the groin, and now he can't have any fun." Right then, I kneed Keith in the groin and he fell over in pain. I repeated the chorus, with the half assed backup of this other guy in the group. "Enis met up with a pimp" I played the pimp, Keith came up to me "And the pimp said..." I put on my best pimp accent, which also made everyone crack up, "Sheeeeeit, what it is honky? You ain't got no groin, mutha fucka!" Keith held the shot gun up and pointed it at me. "And he busted a cap in his ass." Keith shoots me and I fall over, curled up, on my side, back to the audience. I start singing in a very high voice "Knee to the groin..." I turn over and lay flat on my back "...knee to the groin" I sit up a little bit "knee to the groin" then I finally stand up and look upward with my arms outstretched "knee to the groin!" Everyone cheers. Later, I was complimented by someone that I was able to sing in such a high note so perfectly while laying in a weird position. My performance of Knee to the Groin was so powerful and excellent, it gave people chills. But chills can also be given by scratching a chalkboard. These were the good kind, though... I think.
CHAIR MAN
This character was created when I put two folding chairs on my shoulders, and another chair around my body. In my first year of drama class in high school, I dressed up like Chair Man, walked on the stage, then marched around while I chanted, "Chair Man, I am much better than you. Chair Man, I am much better than you." After tripping over myself and almost falling into the audience, which would have given them a chair smashing...I said "scene" and that was for my drama final. Hey, I got an A+, no bullshit. Guess the teacher was just impressed with my originality.
The next year of drama, which was my senior year in high school, I decided to bring back the Chair Man. I wanted to leave them with something very memorable, since it was the last day of school and most likely the last day I would see any of those people again. For this last performance, there was much planning. There was this freshman kid named James that I used to hit in the balls whenever I got the chance. I felt bad for doing so later on, so I invited him to come on stage and punch me in the face really hard in the middle of my Chair Man performance. I told him that it was a way for him to get back at me for all the times I got him in the groin. He said he was afraid I'd beat him up for it, so I told him that I'd only beat him up if he didn't do it.
DAY OF THE FINAL: I come on stage and say, "One year ago, a man...a Chair Man, came to our planet and tried to convince us to join him in his battle against the Stool People. Instead of joining him, a violent mob beat him up. Chair Man returned to his planet...bloodied and bashed. One year later...today...he returns, for his revenge!" That's when I went into the back room for less than a minute, then returned on stage...wearing three chairs. Laughter filled the room. It was glorious. I started my ditty, "I'm Chair Man, you mock me. I just wanted you all to join me...but I guess you think I look too damn silly." More laughter. "Everyone thinks I'm lame. You must think this is some kind of game...but it's not, and I seek vengeance...what a shame!" My voice was getting louder. "Wow, this is such a great time...this is so much fun! Destroying you while I just rhyme...watching you fools run!" Everyone remained seated. "Hey, no one is running away...that's okay!" I picked up two other chairs on the stage, then raised them up, like I was about to throw them into the audience. "TIME TO DIE! SAY GOODBYE! CHAIR MAN'S GONNA SMASH YOU IN THE EYE!!!" A few people were probably a little nervous...but then James ran up on stage, knocked the chairs out of my hands, grabbed the other chairs off my shoulders, then decked me right across the face. It was great! I fell down with my hands covering my bruised cheek. That's when 3 more audience members came on stage with wooden dowels, and proceeded to whack the hell out of me. I had marks all over my arms and back afterwards. When they were done beating me, they dragged my motionless body off the stage, and into the dressing room. While lying on the hard floor of the dressing room, I heard James, on stage, say to the audience, "Chair Man is dead!" James said "scene" and I could hear tremendous clapping and laughing and people chanting, "Chair Man! Chair Man! Chair Man!" After a good ten minutes of regaining my strength on the dressing room floor, I snuck out of the drama room without anyone noticing, then walked over to the foods classroom, where I got an icepack for my cheek. I thought about just leaving and not returning to drama. After all, I was supposed to be dead. About an hour later, I decided, 'What the hell? I'll just go back to the drama room.' I came back in with the icepack on my face. The first two hours of that day were the best.
But everything that happened after that made it (quite possibly) the worst day of my life.
Long story.
KARAOKE
Our story begins on the streets of Old Town Pasadena on a Friday night. A buddy I knew from high school, three years younger than me, was with some of his friends, and the group of us were all walking around. You can make fun of the fact that I was hanging out with high schoolers, I don't care, but they were nice kids...and most importantly, one of them had this little plastic megaphone toy that altered your voice to sound like either a robot, alien, or spaceman. Alien and spaceman sounded kinda the same to me, but the robot one was fun. Anyway, I had a lot of fun with the little megaphone that night. I couldn't put it down. I was singing things like "Trogdor!" in front of the Cheesecake Factory, and other busy places with hundreds of people flowing in and out the door. So then I remembered this coffee shop that I used to go to every week after school on Wednesdays. This place called The Equator, way more artsy than most places, which usually turns me off, but I kind of liked it. Anyway, I get there, and it's packed! And what should be happening, but a Karaoke Night! Hmmm...I think I'll come inside for a closer inspection. I actually saw about five or six people I knew from high school, including a guy who worked there. The group of guys I was walking around with were somewhere else, not really interested, but they came in a little later to check it out. By then, I had already filled out a little paper with my name, and the song I was going to sing. Heheh! I went up on stage and gave it to the main guy running the thing, and he told me it would be about a 45 minute wait. I sat down, and listened to the people going up before me. There were a lot of "drama queen" looking people singing songs from musicals like Rocky Horror Picture Show. Surprise surprise. There were a few really professional sounding people, maybe because the guy added echo to their microphones and shit because they would come every Friday for this event. This was the first time I had ever attended a Karaoke type thing, but I figured it would be fun to give it a try. Well, 45 minutes went by, and the five people I had recognized there left and said "sorry, man, wish we could see you do your song." Oh well, so how long am I going to have to wait? I'll tell you...it ended up being an hour and a half. So finally I get called up there, and I could tell by the tone in his voice that I was one of the few people that he didn't know. Oops, I'm new, this means no one's really going to listen or care what I do. Meh, no matter. When I get up there, the main guy asks me, "What's with the megaphone?" and I just said "you'll see." The music for Live and Let Die by Gn'R started up and I sung the first part with the robot voice. When the guitar part came in, I pretended like I was going to put down the megaphone, but instead, I lifted it back up to the mic and did the guitar sound with an alien voice. Something was wrong, though. Then I realized...he turned my fucking mic down! No one could hear me! Oh, so just because you don't like a little creativity and I'm actually doing something outside of the norm, he's gonna turn down my mic so that no one can hear the greatness. This is what I get for trying to be imaginative. Sorry I'm not singing a fucking showtune! Sorry I'm not part of the "in crowd" who pride themselves in being all anti-conformity when all they're doing is conforming with all the "so called" non-conformists! "SORRY THIS FUCKING THING DIDN'T WORK!" I yelled after the song was over. I stormed of the stage and got the hell out of there. He turned down my fucking mic, I kept bitching about to myself. I'll make it all better next week, though...yes I will.
And so I returned the following Friday...
Yeah, I know..."whoopty shit"...but hey, it entertained me, and that's all that matters, right? So I fill out another little paper and hand it to the guy on stage. The wait was about 45 minutes this time, and I shit you not, there were people who did the exact same song as they did last week. Wow. Well at least I had something different planned. It's the anticipation that kills me. I mean, I'm not really nervous when I'm on stage, being the fool, but when I'm sitting there waiting for the moment when I'm going to come up and do it...that's the part that makes me shake a little. Well, finally the guy calls up "Tad! or is it Thad!" I walk up..."yeah, it's Thad." What do you think the "h" is there for? To be "silent"? Grumble. So the music starts, and this time I'm not about to make the same mistake by using a toy megaphone...this time it's all me, baby! The song...Spanish Eyes by Engelbert Humperdink. The first verse, I sing perfectly, nothing funny or different about the performance. The second verse is about to start, but when the cue is up to sing "Blue" I just make a weird face and stare at the lyrics screen. I looked into the crowd of people, and a few noticed, like I couldn't read the words, or forgot, or whatnot. Then I sang, "I don't know...I think I'll just make the rest up as I go!" all to the tune of the song, of course. I continued with my alternate lyrics. "But it's okay, no one really pays attention anyway. So, I'll just sing all the wrong words and pretty much anything! Please, don't mind me, just put more thought into drinking your coffee. I'm not someone you all know, so ignore me." I stepped off the stage and got the hell out of there, once again. As I walked back to the parking structure, I thought, it'll be a while before I show my face at the Equator again.
But then something happened that I didn't plan on. I found myself looking for other locations that did karaoke. And when I found a place called The Red Lion Tavern... oh, did I sing, dear friends... oh, how I did sing. The first Monday night I was there, I did five songs. I fit in perfectly with the group of regulars that I continued to sit with week after week. A funny thing happened with those five songs... and by funny, I mean that nothing funny happened. I would actually sing without some sort of practical joke involved. Maybe because the song selection was better, and had some tunes I could really get into. As months went by, I became known for certain songs. Sometimes I would recieve requests from the bar crowd, the hostess, or my own table. I can't list all the songs I've done, because that would take a day or two, but I will talk about the ones I did best. My crowd pleasers included Epic by Faith No More, Poison by Alice Cooper, and The Metro by Berlin. For The Metro, I'd usually sing in a really high voice all the way through. One time, I sung it like Macho Man Randy Savage, and instead of singing "riding on the Metro-o-o" I would yell "meet me at the Metro-dome! This Saturday!" And of course, sometimes I threw in "snap into a slim jim!" at the end. Epic and Poison were definitely the better crowd pleasers, though. Whenever a stunt like the Randy Savage singing was pulled, it threw the crowd off guard. Keeping the people on their toes is always good, though. My friend, Matt Pinkus, was known for Space Oddity by David Bowie, Rocket Man by Elton John, and anything Pearl Jam. Although I hate Pearl Jam, I have to admit that Matt does a pretty damn good job. My buddy, Robby, would do It's Raining Men by... well, I actually don't know who that's by. No matter, I'm sure you all know what song I'm talking about. But damn it, everytime he did it, a bunch of girls would dance around him and like fondle him and shit. Once, I even yelled "the song's called It's Raining Men! Come on, where's the men!?" It didn't work. I was hoping a bunch of guys would go up and start dry humping him. Oh well, I guess he was just destined to have the one song that got all the girls. Actually, Matt started doing Girls Just Want to Have Fun, and that worked a few times. Me... no, never happened. Let's not forget I was the first one of us to do a girl song. I did The Metro long before they started doing their two girl songs. No dancing girls for Thad, though. Eh, fuck it, dude, let's go bowling...
That brings me to the next chapter of this already overly long story. My friend, Mike Teske, was moving to New Mexico (now he's already there of course). By the way, he plays the brother in my psychological thriller, The Toaster. Anyway, at one of his going away parties, which happened to be at a bowling alley, there was karaoke going on in the bar area. Mike Teske just loves to bowl, so he wasn't doing any singing that night. Oh, but me and the other Mike (Berryman) were the karaoke whores of the group. He went up first and rapped a Tupac song... sadly enough, I was the only one clapping. Then I went up and did School's Out by Alice Cooper. That went over a lot better than I thought it would. I had figured they were just an uptight audience. What can I say? I'm just awesome. So, anyway, Mike wasn't planning on doing another song after that, but I signed him up for Genie in a Bottle when he wasn't looking. I did it because I had to hear a live version of Arnold in a Bottle. For those of you who don't know what the fuck I'm talking about... which is probably everyone... a few years ago, the Berry Man recorded his version of Genie in a Bottle, called Arnold in a Bottle, where he impersonated Arnold Schwarzeneggar while singing it. The live version wasn't as good as the original, of course, but it was still fun to hear. When he got called up, the first thing he says is "this is not Christina... this is going to be Arnold... our senator." I yell up at the stage, "GOVERNOR!" The awful jackass says it again, "he's our senator." He was met with another shouting correction from me and the rest of the crowd.
Okay, since you've been so patient with all this boring text... here are some pictures.
I put some of my karaoke stuff online, if you want a good laugh.
Click to see THAD perform:
ALICE COOPER - THE BALLAD OF DWIGHT FRY
WHAT'S THEIR NAME?
That's the name of my band. We've had very few live shows, but that's because of mixed schedules. The only other member, my friend Mike Garza, is a very talented musician. I write the songs, and he plays them better than I would be able to. Anyway, you can go to the SONGS page for more about my original music.