Acceptance Part 2

I go to school and the first person I see is Michael. He wants to know if I heard about Liz and Kyle?

I wonder how he found out, but I know it isn't important. I want to scream at him that it never happened, that it's a lie. I remember the look in her eyes. She needs me to believe this. For whatever reason and deep down I hold onto my belief that she has a reason, she needs me to believe. I believe in her and in a moment of clarity I realize that this belief is what I need to hang onto. So I tell Michael that I had heard. He asks me if I believe it and once again I become the liar, telling him that it's true.

He is stunned, shocked, disbelieving. But in a moment it is gone and he is my second in command, ready to take action.

He asks if I want him to 'do Kyle' and I know that he means it and for a moment I'm scared. Not of Michael and his willingness to kill someone over something so small. I know it is his way of showing me his feelings. In my heart I smile, any doubts I might have had about Michael erased in this one moment. He hates what he is, and yet if I asked him to, he would embrace it. He would kill for me and once again I wonder if this is what it means to be King. Blind loyalty and love, not necessarily because I have earned it, but because it is my right. But I know that is not why Michael makes the offer and I love him for it.

I am scared of this power that I have and of all that it means. I am scared of how easy it could be to accept this power, to embrace it. Most of all I am scared that this power could take me away from Liz. Is this what it means to be King, to always be scared and never be able to show it? I know I could show it to Liz, that she would understand, and that somehow, in that magical way of hers, she would make it go away. But then I remember I can't show it to Liz, not anymore. I am angry and I am scared and I have never felt more alone in all of my life. I want to blame Kyle, or Liz, or even myself. But there is no one to blame.

For a moment I consider telling him yes, destroy every molecule in his body. Maybe, just maybe, he would experience just a small portion of the pain I felt when I say him lying there, with her. It wasn't that they were lying together naked in her bed. It was the smile. She was happy, genuinely happy and I wasn't a part of it. I had caused her so much pain, so much grief, and yet it was Kyle who was erasing a part of her unhappiness and I hated him for it. But it wasn't Kyle, it was Liz. I knew deep down that she was responsible for it that whatever had happened, she had instigated it. Could I fault her for doing anything that brought even just one tiny moment of true joy to her life? Never! Could I fault Kyle for following her lead when I knew that the real reason I hated him was that I was jealous, jealous that she had turned to someone other than me, jealous that it was his skin and not mine, touching the softness of her? How could I hate him when in that moment all I wanted was to be him? A nice, normal, human kid, lying in bed with Liz Parker, making her smile.

I tell Michael no, he doesn't need to kill Kyle, that I'm okay. He looks at me in disbelief, sure that I am lying and once again I want to laugh at the irony. When I lie and tell him that Liz slept with Kyle he believes me but when I don't lie and tell him that I'm okay with what has happened he doesn't believe me. With sudden clarity I realize I am okay with what is happening, I have to be, it's what she's asked of me and I know that I can deny her nothing, not even this. I wonder if this is what it means to be King, to accept the unacceptable, or if I do this simply because I am in love with her? I wish I could separate the two, Zan the King, and Max, the boy who loves Liz. Is it Zan who breaks her heart and Max who mends it? Sometimes I hate what I am, but she loves all of me and so I know that even Zan, the King I was that I can't remember, must have been good.

Michael's words break into my musing as he snaps back into second in command mode. 'Okay Max, whatever you say, let's get to class.' Advance, retreat, regroup, follow the orders of your King.

I see Kyle down the hall, I know he has seen me too, but he avoids looking at me, pretending interest in a poster on the wall. I wonder if he has any idea that with a nod of my head, he would have been dead. I wonder if this is what it is like to be King, deciding who will live and who will die? I don't want this power, this authority, my birthright from a lifetime ago, a life I don't remember.

I spend the rest of the day focused on my thoughts. Except for when she is there. When she is there I find that I can focus on nothing but her. I want to jump up, grab her, take her far from this classroom, this school, and demand she tell me the truth. She glances at me and I am shocked. She is afraid. She is more than afraid, she is every sad, terrified emotion you could ever conceive of, all trapped inside of her.

I remember the nod, the silent plea that I believe her.

I know Liz, and I know that there is a reason for this.

I look at her and I nod ever so slightly. I know only she has seen it and only she knows what it means. Last night in her room, I only pretended to accept her words. But this time I accept them, for her sake I embrace them and force myself to believe. I believe in her and I will believe whatever she needs me to.

I do not accept that I am King of a race on a planet I do not remember.

I do not accept that I am destined to marry Tess.

I do not accept that I must live my life in fear of the unknown, enemies that I made in a life I don't remember.

I accept this lie, her lie.

I accept her love, in whatever manner she feels the need to show it, even if that manner is to try to hide it from me. I accept her decisions, knowing that she makes them thinking of me. I accept that she is and will always be my salvation, my light, my everything.

I accept that when the time is right she will reveal her lie and her reasons for it.

I accept that in the meantime, I will let her believe my lie.

The irony is that I realize I know only one truth.

I love Liz Parker and she loves me.

I accept this, and everything it requires of me.

The End