Souee Generis - Echoes of The Worst Novel Ever, Part 1

Prologue

Country was worn out. Twenty-seven cities in thirty-one days. Three hour gigs in small nightclubs with restrooms that stank with that smell only inhouses could generate. But he kept playing because he knew the secret of San Manse, the one place where outhouses were held in esteem. No one believed him, of course, perhaps no one ever would. They were free to choose. But he knew better. He had no choice. For he had been there.

Chapter 1

D.B. Belly tried to count how many stops he had made in recent days; he always lost count when it went beyond 10.  There had been a time when he could count to 1,000 without stopping, except for snacks.  After the Belly mumps epidemic of ’59, however, he found that his counter simply didn’t work past 10.  How old was he then?  That too was unknown.  His mother had given birth to 15 children, and didn’t keep close track of the birthdates, and since all the Belly children were born at home, birth certificates were never obtained.  Mrs. Belly would say that she thought D.B. came along “somewhere between FDR and JFK; I’m thankin’ that it was Truman, but I ain’t shore.  He was always a little little for a Belly, but he shore did good Belly work.”

Chapter 2

Country knew that he had been briefly mentioned in the prequel so it gave him hope that he would play a significant role in this, the sequel. But he also knew, due to the whims of fate, he might be killed off at any time. Well, he said to himself, like his Aunt Georgialina used to say, 'Kay Sarah, Kay Sarah' in reference to his cousin who had a devil may care attitude about life.

With a start he realized his break was over, took one last gulp of Maxwell House, and wandered back on stage where he looked out on a sparse crowd of eighteen lonely souls. For some reason, a reason he could explain in either simple or complex terms, he knew what the next song should be...

"Symbols, Symbols of My Soul, Lord, them old symbols are out of control"

A gasp arose from the audience. It always did when he sang this particular song. It struck a chord in them.  It struck a chord in him as well.

In the dark bar, CAT sat silently in a corner booth.  He was the artist formerly known as AT.  The C had been added to connote his conditional approach to instrumental accompaniment during his performances, as well as to add some new mystique to his image.

CAT thought to himself, "where have all my symbols gone, long time passing?  Where have all my symbols gone, long time ago?"  Then he caught himself, "wow, I'm getting my symbols mixed up again.  I hate it when that happens."

 Chapter 3

Bernice Belly sat in her Austin apartment, thinking about San Manse.  She owned most of the town now, but she wondered if she had done the right thing in buying it with money her uncle D.B. didn't want to be bothered with.  She loved San Manse because it was the ancestral home of her grandmother.  But did she understand it?  She wondered.  Only Mr. Country seemed to understand the spirit of San Manse, and she had never met him.

Bernice pondered her fate.  The words of her biochemistry professor rang in her ears, "you know, you look just like Julia Roberts."  Bernice thought to herself, "why can't they stop rubbing it in?"  She couldn't help the way she looked, or the fact that she seemed to be completely incapable of developing a Belly belly.  She had hoped to find Belly belly secrets in San Manse, but that did not happen.  She began to think, though, that one day she would overcome her subconscious desire to achieve Belly status, that she would find contentment in the way she was destined to be.  Still, being compared to Julia Roberts was a bit much. 

Chapter 4

It was 1:20 AM. Ten minutes to go and then he could crawl into the the small camper attached to the bed of his 1993 Isuzu pickup, which with its 652,000 hard miles on it was on its last legs. But he too a lot of hard miles on him. A lot of soft miles too. In fact he had more miles than he knew what to do with.

Quickly he fell into a deep sleep. His guitar which he had stood precariously beside the narrow cot fell to the truck bed floor with a loud bang. It did not startle him. Neither did it awaken him. If anything it caused his sleep to become even deeper.

"I'm here with my dreams, my lonely dreams..."

 +++

Country woke up the next morning around 9:00 , made himself presentable and walked across the street to Denny's. He always enjoyed his first cup of coffee in the morning and as he was adding a little cream, but no sugar, he gave the waitress his order:

"Three eggs over easy with crisp bacon, white toast and grits."

"We ain't got no grits."

Country gave a little snarl then remarked, "I suppose you don't have any outhouses either."

The waitress pretended not to hear, then asked, "Anything else?"

"Yeah, make sure the toast is buttered with plenty of trans fatty acids."

Did Country detect a look of scorn in the waitress's face? Nah, she was a little too plump to be a Skinny One.

 Chapter 5

CAT decided to follow Mr. Country to his next gig.  He had to find out about San Manse.  What was the message?  What did it mean?  What did it not mean?  What did it mean before it meant what it means?  What did it not mean before it didn’t mean what it now doesn’t mean?  CAT wondered.  And he wondered if Mr. Country could provide the answers.  Or if he would.  Or if he would understand the answers Mr. Country gave.  Or didn’t give.  Then CAT asked himself, “why ask why?”  Answering himself, “why not?”, he headed off for Omaha. 

+++

Country was wondering too. He wondered why some people could actually live in and haunt San Manse' and still wonder about it. He also wondered why some people wrote San Manse' without the accent mark on the last e. He even wondered why there were no grits in Omaha. And finally he wondered how he had got in Omaha when he thought he was in Northern California.

But Country had spent his whole life wondering and wandering and he was pretty much used to it. He was used to loneliness, the pain of rejection, and the sound of rain. He was only glad that he couldn't hear his own voice when he sang. For that reason he refused to make any recordings of his songs. For one day he might turn the radio on in his old Isuzu and accidentally hear himself. No, others could record his songs. When Country died the sound of his voice would die with him.

"The trouble with thinkers all these years

Is staying too long between the ears

You got to satisfy the needs of the tooth

Before you get a taste of the honest truth

Hey, let's get metaphysical!"

All seven members of the audience clapped enthusiastically when Country finished his song. They had introduced themselves as the Country Fan Club (CFC) and asked Country if he would grant an interview for the CFC newsletter.

"Where you were born?"

"Somewhere between heaven and hell."

"What were your musical influences?"

"Plato, Aristotle, and Jesus."

"What's the central message of your music?"

"Outhouses are in."

"Where do you go from here?"

"Perhaps the other side of Nebraska...my dear."

The CFC, Omaha chapter, seemed satisfied and Country headed for Northern California where he thought he had been in the first place.

Chapter 6

CAT had gotten lost on the way to Omaha.  As he wrote in Do We Really Need Yankees?, "that north-south thing can really turn you around."  In this case, his subconscious north aversion had taken him to Miami.  Concluding that Mr. Country wasn't gong to show, but not yet concluding that he wasn't in Omaha, CAT decided it was time for a rest and headed for the surprisingly impressive Omaha beach.  "Darn, these guys in Omaha have one heck of a beach.  Look, even people from Florida are driving down to check it out."

 +++

Bernice Belly dialed her uncle D.B.’s sale phone.  She heard him saying, “dadgum right Mr. Dandy thows a pig spiral!  Purtiest thang I ever seen!  That little ol’ pig was plumb proud to a been thown by Mr. Dandy too.  He come a runnin’ up for another tossin’.  Never seen nothin’ like no where…”  Bernice broke into the conversation, “uncle D., it’s Bernice.”  D.B. said, “oh yes, Bernice was there too.  She seen Mr. Dandy…”  Bernice continued, “uncle D.!  It’s me!  On the phone!”  D.B. said, “well dadgum, I was just talkin’ ‘bout you!” 

Bernice said, “dadgum, what a coincidence!  Listen here, uncle D., you know how you were saying that only Mr. Country can tell us some things about San Manse?”  D.B. said, “shore do.  That there Mr. Country knows many a thang is what he does.  He’s one a them knowin’ fellers is what he is, see.  Now, when yore a knowin’ feller, some a them thangs that you know is thangs that is hard to know, so other folks won’t know that you know ‘em when you know ‘em and they hard to get knowed, but…”  Bernice interrupted, “I understand.  Well, tell me this, how can I get in touch with him?”  D.B. replied, “oh shoot, I don’t know.  See, I ain’t a knowin’ feller when it come to that there.  Mr. Country might know.  Shoot, I jist bet that he would know!  See, he’s a knowin’ feller ‘bout them kind a thangs.  If you was to call him up, I jist bet that he would know.”  A bit exasperated, but not for the first time, Bernice said, “thanks uncle D.  You have a good fud day."  D.B. replied, "I will there, Bernice.  See, that there's one a them thangs that I'm dadgum knowin' 'bout."

Chapter 7

It had been three years since Hurricane Hillary hit Northern Mexico and the legend of the flying outhouse refused to die. Homast Eyskin and his brother Mosath took the official BOM position and said that such a thing as a flying outhouse was not possible. Yet reports of sightings of UFOs (Unidentified Flying Outhouse) persisted. The latest batch of sightings had occurred in the Colorado Rocky Mountains, west, northwest of Nebraska.

 "Been out on the road so long

Don't know where I come from

Don't know where I belong

So I keep going on...

Oh, I've been to Phoenix

And I've been to San Antone

But no matter where I go

I'm always alone..."

The crowd of three politely clapped and went back to their Coors. Country put his old guitar in the ragged guitar case, collected his fee, and walked out the door. There would be no sleep tonight. He had to travel 500 miles in the 12 hours for his next gig.

He wasn't worried. He'd done this countless times. In his mind he was just once again. 'Ramblin' wildly 'cross the land.'

Chapter 8

Lance was glad for the chance to get away from North Galbutt, South Carolina. Sloppy hadn't been the same happy go-lucky fellow he once was these past three years. Finding his long lost daughter then losing her in a hurricane would do that to any regular fellow, much less the Slopman. And while shipping pigs to San Manse' had been a booming business, which allowed Sloppy to indulge his passion for shooting cows out of a cannon, there was obviously something still missing in his life. Messy Mabel had offered to get pregnant but Sloppy just said he was too old for babies.

Yes, Lance was glad for a break, but that positive emotion was countered by the facts of his new assignment for Bernice Belly. He was supposed to find Country who was almost as elusive as Acapulco. Since Country left no recording of his songs, tracking him down would be a difficult task indeed.

  +++

It was a cold and stormy night in the Rocky Mountains west of Denver. Country had been asleep for about thirty minutes. His Isuzu didn't know that so it kept going. Everything was fine until the Isuzu tried to negotiate a steep curve without a driver. It failed and went careening through a fence and begin sailing in the air thousands of feet above the ground. A forest ranger spotted the Isuzu. At first it seemed to float but then with a movement that took his breath away began descending. He lost sight of it but knew instinctively that all was lost.

Or was it?

Chapter 9

Maria, Chompy, Chunky, and Chimpy, had been soaring for almost three years in the rolling outhouse. Hurricane Hillary had let go of them somewhere over the Sierra Madre in Northern Mexico. They knew a crash was imminent but nothing seemed to happen. They just stayed in the air. Later, Maria surmised that the air currents or drafts between the mountains had kept them afloat. Since Deep Belly had stocked the outhouse with enough moon pies and Shiner to last him a month, they had estimated their food and drink supplies would last about three years. Time was running out.

That's when the outhouse was rocked by something landing on top of it.

 Chapter 10

Bernice Belly spoke with Beulah Faye Ledbetter via phone:  "Beulah, Mr. Straightpoint doesn't seem to be getting anywhere with the search for 

Mr. Country.  Any ideas?"  Beulah said, "well, if it was me, I'd steal his songs.  Publish 'em, record 'em.  That'll get musicians out of the woodwork 

better than anything I've ever seen."  

Bernice said, "gosh, that sounds pretty tacky.  Besides, I don't know anything about the music business."  Beulah said, "then you'd fit right in. 

The whole industry's full of morons.  Heck, I can help out if you want.  I've got some Mr. Country songs around here.  Want me to rip 'em off and get them on

CD?  You can always settle up with Mr. Country when he shows up if we turn a profit."  Bernice said, "oh, I guess so.  Looks like we'll never find him otherwise."

Just one week later, Beulah's plan was rolling.  She smiled while watching the new commercial on CNN at 2 a.m. - Jim Nabors singing clips from his new album. 

She kind of liked his versions of "No Choice" and "War Is Hell."  Too dadgum bad he was really screwing up "Walkin' and Talkin'"  "Shoot," thought Beulah, "I'd

be pretty pissed off if I'd written that song and saw Jim Freakin' Nabors singin' it.  Hope Mr. Country ain't got a killer streak in him."

 Chapter 11

URGENT! BOM BULLETIN! URGENT!

Conrad wrote about the heart of darkness. Hemingway told us that the sun also rises. Tolstoy taught us war and peace. But who tells where to take a crap?

Your federal government does.

Hi, I'm Homast Eyskin, the new 'Baron of BOM' (Back to the Outhouse Movement) and I'm here to talk about your defecation freedom. For too many years, those of us who believe that the outhouse is the only place for a bowel movement have been shunned and ridiculed by the inhousers. Supported by the weight of the law and the so called justice system outhousers have been forced into back alleys, murky swamps, and dark forests where we have been subjected to muggers, alligators, and frisky bears.

But we are not taking it sitting down. BOM is happy to report that it has contracted with the esteemed Billy Bob Ledbetter of Ledbetter Ministries in Dime Box, Texas to promote and encourage outhouse use as well as lead the effort to amend the constituion to legalize outhouses once again.

A new day dawns.

 Chapter 12

Dickie took the call of an old friend he had been trying to avoid for the last few years, "hi Al.  Long time, no triangulation."  Al Gore 

responded, "Yes.  I know, I know, I know.  Listen, Dick, I need an issue.  A new issue.  Well, not that new, but an issue.  So, Dick, 

I have been thinking.  I heard about a movement to pass a constitutional amendment legalizing outhouse usage where it is not now legal.  

This would not, of course, legalize outhouse usage where it is now legal.  I don't know just what can be done about that.  So,

Dick, tell me, is this the issue that could, well, you know, make me relevant agian?"

Dickie paused, trying to remember when, if ever, Al had been relevant.  He finally said, "well, Al, I

don't know.  But, what do you have to lose?"  Al Gore said, "that is a hard question.  I don't really like

hard questions you know, Dick.  How can I know what can be lost until it has been lost?  And after it has been lost, if indeed

it is lost, how would it then be added again?  Could be a risky scheme, you know."

Dickie said, "Al, sometimes you have to just crap or get out of the outhouse.  Keep that in mind if you're

going to join forces with BOMers."

Chapter 13

Al Gore began his speech to the San Francisco Sierra Club:  “I want to raise an issue with you today that is new and important.  Relevant is another word that comes immediately to mind.  Outhouses.  Yes, outhouses.  The first thing you will notice about outhouses is that they are outside.  All of them.  Otherwise, you see, they would not be outhouses, lacking outerness.  Being outside, in an outhouse, one is closer to earth, friendlier to earth, relevant to earth.  But outhouses are not legal!  Yes, it’s true, not legal!  Why?  Who opposes outhouses?  Let me ask you this, have you ever heard George Bush say one word about outhouses?  One word?  No!  Have you heard Dick Cheney ever mention outhouses?  No!  Newt Gingrich?  No!  Tom Delay?  No!  Richard Nixon?  No!  Abraham Lincoln?  No!  Never a word about outhouses, ever!  What are they hiding?  What do they fear?  What is being covered up?  That’s what I want to know!  That’s what America wants to know!  That’s what France wants to know!  And don’t forget the Germans!

Fellow Americans, now is the time.  Yesterday is the pastime.  Tomorrow is tomorrow time.  2004 is my time!  Outhouse time!  Set your watches!

Chapter 14

D.B. Belly sat on the specially reinforced serving table in the Dime Box Belly Brothers Biscuits, Beer, Bait and BBQ outlet and addressed the room:

 "Folks, we been told that we got to swear that our books is true today, so we gonna git that out a the way, OK?

"Wail, first off here's my favorite.  This here one's called 'Mickey Goes To War,' real nice book 'bout Mickey Mouse killin' them dadgum Germans.  Now, is it true?  Shoot, I ain't gonna be the one to call Mickey a dadgum liar!  Any you all gonna call Mickey a dadgum liar?  OK, so there's that one.

 "Now, right here we got 'Gene Autry Eats Right,' 'bout how Mr. Gene Autry never missed his dadgum vegtabulls or milk.  Shoot, I don't know 'bout this 'un.  If it was me, I'd a told Mr. Gene Autry to skip that mess ever once in a while.  What do you all thank?  Want to jist toss this 'un out?  OK, that's what we'll do.  So long, Mr. Gene.

 "This last 'un is called 'Porky Pig Gets the Mumps.'  I tell you what, it flat out made me cry is what it done.  Shoot, I 'member them mumps and it shore made me feel for ol' Porky, settin' there all plumped up and what not.  Shoot, I ain't never seen no dadgum pig that would lie 'bout sumthin' like that.  Any a you all?  OK, we'll keep ol' Porky here in the book bowl, OK?

 "Now, we done checked our dadgum books like we was told to.  Now, I'll tell you sumthin'.  That dadgum SEC can go mind its own dadgum bidness now.  Far's I'm concerned, they ain't go no bidness tellin' a Big 12 state what to do no how.  You brang them dadgum Gators over to Austin and them Longhorns is a gonna skin and cook them dadgum Gators, and the dadgum SEC can go 'round lookin' for a dadgum Gator doctorin' book far's what I'm concerned.

 "Wail, anyway, I reckon that there's all the dadgum book checkin' we goin' to do today.  Don't let them Shiners git all hot, now."

Chapter 15

Larry King introduced his guest on Larry King Live:

King:  And now welcome to the great Jim Nabors, who has just recorded a great new CD.

Nabors:  Thank you, Larry.  Great to be here.  It was great last time, too.

King:  I remember it well.  Your last album was great too.  One of the greatest.

Nabors:  Do you think it was as great as this one?

King:  The greatest.  Equally greatest.

Nabors:  Thank you, Larry.  Great.

King:  Jim, I’ve known you and your great singing for many great years.  I didn’t know you wrote great songs.

Nabors:  I didn’t either, Larry.

King:  But you did write songs for the great new album.  Great ones.

Nabors:  That’s right, Larry, and I didn’t even know.  My agent came over one day with some sheet music, saying 'hey, I didn’t know you wrote songs.'  I looked at the music he had and said, golly, I don’t remember writing this.  He said, ‘well your name is on the songs, so you must have written them and forgotten.’

King:  Do you remember forgetting?

Nabors:  You know, Larry, I forgot a lot of things in the ‘70s and ‘80s, so it doesn’t surprise me that I forgot all these songs I wrote.

King:  Do they sound like songs you would have written?

Nabors:  Oh yes, now they do. 

King:  Which is your favorite?

Nabors:  Gee Larry, that’s hard to say.  I like all of them.  I like being a songwriter now that I remember forgetting that I wrote these songs. 

King:  “Trombone Playin’ Man” is a great song.

Nabors:  Right!  I really like that one too.  I always loved trombones, you know. 

King:  The big hit right now seems to be “Rain Forest Breezes”

Nabors:  Yes!  We never expected to sell so many records with off-prime TV commercials, to tell you the truth.  Thank you to all the insomniacs!

King:  Does that song have special meaning to you?

Nabors:  It really does, Larry.  I think the line 'Rain forest breezes, emotion that pleases, such were the feeling of my youth,' says it all about what I was feeling in my youth.  I wasn’t in a rain forest, at least I didn’t live in one, but I think that’s where my soul was.

King:  Interesting.  You weren’t cutting down trees were you?

Nabors:  Oh no!  Good one, Larry!  Great!  At least, I don't remember cutting any down.

King:  Can we expect more new songs from you?

Nabors:  Well, I’m working on some.  I don’t know if I can recapture the way I was writing when I wrote these, but I think they’re going to be great.

King:  I’m sure they will be.  Thank you, my friend, my great friend. 

Chapter 16

In the past three years since the happenings around San Manse' (recorded in the worst novel ever, 'Something Like No Other') Lance had had a lot of conversations concerning San Manse' with Sloppy in between eating pork bar-b-que. Sloppy was a veritable warehouse of knowledge about the legends of San Manse'. Whether any of it was true or not was beyond Lance at this time, but one thing Sloppy had said could be a clue to Country's whereabouts. Sloppy had said that San Manse' had been only one of several sister cities all built around the same time by a family of Greek and Italian heritage named Lalas. One such sister city was supposed to be in Northern California. It was called San Debacle' and Lance bet his boots Country might eventually wind up there.

Well, Lance thought to himself, that's over three thousand miles away. Might as well relax and enjoy the ride. He turned on the truck radio and heard the voice of....Jim Nabors.

 Chapter 17

 "What did you think of the latest BOM Bulletin?" Homast ventured.

"You're missing the point." Mosath retorted.

Homast paused then asked, "What do you mean?"

"BOM shouldn't want outhouses legalized. Then we'd lose our victim status. Jesse Jackson would leave the organization."

"That's bad?"

"Can't get much worse. Then he'd be on the other side."

   +++

Lance had to pull over, "What the hell is Jim Nabors doing singing Country's songs? I sure hope Country hasn't started listening to the radio again or they'll be hauling him to jail for murder."

   +++

'Knowledge is over-rated. Knowing is "Noing". Ignorance is "Yesing". Touch your soul with ignorance. Let the symbols of not knowing radiate out. Think out. Stop thinking. Know that you don' know. Sleep.'

- From the writings of Y. B. Commandanche, inventor of PPU (Power of Positive Uncertainty)

 Chapter 18

Chimpy let out a loud, panicky bray and Chompy exclaimed, "What was that?"

Maria, though desparing of the situation, remained outwardly calm, replied, "Why not take a look?"

Chompy did so and reported back to the others, "It appears to be a 1993 Isuzu pickup truck with a camper on back and a man at the wheel either asleep, unconscious, or just plain dead."

Luckily, Deep Belly had put a trap door in the ceiling out of the outhouses (Bernice had unsuccessfully tried to convince that trap doors were usually in the floor). Chompy, who was a tad bit spryer than Chunky, climbed through the trap door returning a few minutes later with Country.

When Country awoke he had to rub his eyes in amazement. He couldn't believe where he was. "Damn! If I didn't know better, I'd say I was in a Deep Belly Late Model Rolling Outhouse!"

Country wondered if his fortunes had begun to change.

    +++

"It's obvious that no matter how much we study, how much we read, how much we learn, how much we experience, there will be in our lives more unknowing than knowing. Let's face it, we're just a bunch of dumb asses."

- Y. B. Commandanche

"I resent that remark!" Chimpy, Chunky's ass

 Chapter 19

Lance drove straight through the Smoky Mountains before he had the courage to turn the radio on again. Sure enough there was Jim Nabors singing a Country Classic (from his Wildnerness Years):

"You thought you could negotiate

The tortuous pitfalls of life

And somehow keep the lights turned on

Against the encroaching night

Fathers and brothers/ sisters and mothers

Wonderin' where next you will eat

You've been auctioned/ with no adoption

Now you're on the dark end of the street

The barbarians are at the gate

Speaking in foreign tongues

With no respect for your customs and

The song you've always sung

Children and minotaurs/ doctors and senators

You should kneel and wash your feet

You've been muddied/ you've been bloodied

Now you're on the dark end of street

Lonely voices are crying

In the desert and the wilderness

They're seeking retribution for

This social and economic mess

Students and teachers/ sinners and preachers

It's time you admitted defeat

In your believin'/ you've been deceivin'

Now you're on the dark end of the street

Fear and tremblin' rule the day

People are selling their souls

For some sense of security

Putting their head in a hole

Movers and shakers/ givers and takers

How you've fallen from the elite

There's no compassion/ you're out of fashion

Now you're on the dark end of the street"

Andy Griffith had once gotten Jim Nabors off his TV show by sending him to the Marines. That wouldn't work now. Hey, maybe Eisner might have something.

  Chapter 20

Country spent an hour studying every detail of the rolling outhouse. Sloppy had told him about it, many times of course, but no amount of talk could have prepared him for the reality. Quite simply, he was overwhelmed. He blurted out,

"Dadgum, yall some lucky people!"

"Yea, we are, " replied Maria dryly, "I'm sure everyone would be ecstatic about being stuck in a flying outhouse for three years."

"Flying outhouse?" Country wondered what the heck the young Hispanic woman was talking about.

"Look out the port hole."

Country did. "I see what you mean."

     +++

'Add up what you know, subtract what you don't know. You'll find yourself in a black hole.'

- From "PPU Physics", Texalina Press, 1975, Y.B. Commandanche

      +++

 Lance Straightpoint listened to a message on his voice mail, left by Secrets, Inc., an investigative service he subscribed to:

"The CEO of Hooters is thinking about buying an airline out of Kansas City.

"Name? Derry Air

"Name of planes? Boob Tubes

"Also, flight attendants in emergencies will serve as flotation devices."

Lance thought to himself, "dang, I need to buy some stock in that outfit.  Would that be insider tradin'?  Sure hope so."

     +++

'Living in the dark has its advantages. We just haven't been to locate them yet.

- Y.B. Commandanche

Chapter 21

 Country slowly got over the shock of being several thousand feet in the air in an outhouse with his Isuzu truck on top.

"Three years?"

"Almost." Maria replied.

"Why didn't I read about it in the first novel?"

"It was badly truncated. The writers were getting tired and wanted to wrap things up as quickly as possible. Of course, what really ticks me is the three year span between novels. If you ask me, it could've been just as easily six months."

Country didn't know what to say, then cried out, "Do yall feel what I feel?"

"Nah," Chunky responded, "I had my BM this morning."

"That's not what I'm talking about. We're going down!"

And they were.

Chapter 22

They had determined that indeed they were going down, but at slow, leisurely rate, so what was at first panic gradually turned into a feeling of happy expectation. It was Country's theory that the Isuzu had added just enough weight to overcome the air currents that had kept the outhouse in the air for almost three years.

Once everybody was calm Country offered to help pass the time by singing one of his songs. The crowd size was about right so he crawled up to the Isuzu and got his guitar. When he got back, he opened up with 'Transitory Man':

"I'm a transitory man

Without a firm foundation

I live in a shallow land

That once was a mighty nation

I don't expect much success

And I'm just about always right

And it's anybody's guess

Where I'll be tomorrow night

Transitory Man

I'm a transitory man

I'm not what I used to be

I write with a trembling hand

I sing out of harmony

I don't expect sympathy

Nor do I seek a reprieve

I just want everyone to know

Once upon a time I believed

Transitory Man

The light shines bright in the skies above

Reminds me of times before

Each day I'd pray that I'd find love

It'd come walking through my door

Transitory Man"

When Country finished, Chompy spit a chaw of tobacco out the port hole and said, "I like that. It's a old Jim Nabors tune, isn't it?"

Country's face was as red as an overripe tomato. Maria would have sworn she saw steam rising up from the collar of his shirt.

He screamed at Chompy, "What do you mean Jim Nabors? I'm going to kick your ass!"

Chompy replied, "He's not mine. Chimpy belongs to Chunky."

Country shrugged the remark off, "You better explain your Jim Nabors lie or you might find yourself falling to the ground without a benefit of a parachute."

That made Chompy a little nervous, "I just meant I heard Jim Nabors sing that same song on DB's radio over there by the refrigerator."

Country looked over at Maria, "Is he telling the truth?"

"Yes, senor, they play it over and over."

Country was about to respond when all of a sudden there was a heavy thud. The outhouse had landed!

Chunky opened the door, looked out, and shouted,

"This looks like Kansas!"

     +++

D.B.’s sale phone rang.  He picked it up and said, “dadgum it, we checked them dadgum books, so just leave me alone!”, just before throwing the phone to the floor.  It beeped again.  D.B. picked it up again, saying, ”you SECs can just kiss my dadgum ass far’s I’m concerned…”  He was interrupted, “Mr. Belly, this is Officer Alison in Lawrence, KS.  We have your vehicle impounded.”  D.B. said, “dadgum, I ain’t never been to no dadgum Kansas far’s what I know.”  Officer Allison said, “I’ve got Texas plate number “DAD-GUM,” registered in your name.”  D.B. said, “dadgum!  You found the rollin’ outhouse!”  Officer Alison said, “whatever it is, the vehicle is in violation of several Kansas traffic laws:  out-of-date-license plates, open containers in vehicle, closed containers in vehicle, fire hazards in vehicle, toxic waste in vehicle, inoperable brake light on front, inoperable brake light in rear and no turn signals front or rear.  That’s all I’m seeing on this page; I think I lost the last one.  Anyway, Mr. Belly, we’re holding the vehicle until you pay $4,500 to cover the fines and storage fees.  Tomorrow, you’ll need somewhere around $10,000.  We’d like to get it out of the yard, you see.  The lot owner’s complaining about the smell.  Get on up here, and save yourself some money.”

Chapter 23

At NASA headquarters in Houston, Buford Belly spoke excitedly into his headset mouthpiece, “the Turkey has landed!  Dadgum, something brought it back to earth.  I have no idea what.  Shoot, I thought the anti-gravity device would keep her up there for 25 years.  Dadgum, everything we put into that thing has screwed up.  It’s true what they say about us Aggies, ain’t it?”

     +++

"I'm proud of my ignorance. It's the one constant of my life. Everything else it changes. Doesn't it make you feel good to have something to cling to?"

- Y.B. Commandanche

     +++

Country spoke quickly to Maria and the 3 C's. "We better get the hell out of here. You four are San Manse' refugees and I know the secrets of San Manse'. We're prize catches for any federal agency that has too much money to spend."

So they tied one end of a rope to Chinky and the other end to the Isuzu and pulled the truck off the outhouse. Country barked out the order,

"Maria, get in the front. You other three in the back. Let's go!"

And they drove off into the Kansas sunset, because in Kansas, the sun also sets.

Chapter 24

D.B. Belly pulled into the parking lot of the Red Raider Pig Place in Lubbock, Texas, for a fud break.  Seated at a table inside, he asked the waitress, “you all checked yore books?”  The waitress said, “we ain’t real big on books ‘round here.”  D.B. said, “wail, you better git ‘em checked.  Shoot, I’ll do it if you want me to.  See, the SEC is lookin’ to git the Big 12 put on probation for recruitin’ violations, see, and so they sayin’ everbody got to swear that they books is true.  Heard all ‘bout it at the barber shop in Dime Box jist the other day.  You know dadgum well that they’ll be comin’ after Mr. Bobby Knight.  You better git them books checked!”

     +++

Country's Isuzu was glad to be turning its wheels again. It had not found flying a lot of fun.

Maria asked Country, "Where are we headed?"

Country replied, "San John.' "

"Don't you mean San Juan?"

"No, I mean what I say. I always do. You'll be smart to remember that."

Maria knew she had hit a nerve so she said gently, "Tell me about San John' ".

It was one of the sister cities of San Manse' founded by the Greek/Italian family, the Lalas."

"How far away is it?"

"About 600 miles. It's in the panhandle of Texas."

Maria looked out on the Kansas landscape. It was flat and fairly featureless. But it wasn't barren and Maria knew somehow that things weren't the same.

She asked Country, "Are outhouses legal in San John'?"

"Of course not. It's in America, ain't it?"

"What do the outhousers do there?"

"They've moved underground." 

Chapter 25

D.B. Belly looked for his beeping sale phone among the 12 plates of fud on the table of the Red Raider Pig Place.  He answered:

D.B.:  Jist put that ‘un right there on the corner.  Don’t you worry, I won’t let it fall…

Al Gore:  Mr. Belly?

D.B.:  Uh huh

Gore:  Mr. Belly, this is Al Gore.  Dick Morris told me that you are the person to talk to about the Back Out Movement.  I want to support BOM.

D.B.:  Uh huh

Gore:  Do you know who I am?

D.B.:  Thought you said the name was Al.  Don’t you ‘member?

Gore:  Well, yes.  I was vice president, you know.

D.B.:  What chapter?

Gore:  I don’t know what you mean.

D.B.:  Where you live, dadgum it!

Gore:  Well, I’m in Nashville, Tennessee right now.

D.B.:  That there’s Bobby Dewayne Burns’ chapter far’s what I ‘member.

Gore:  Well, Mr. Belly, I may well be running for president in two years, and…

D.B.:  You runnin’ against Bobby Dewayne?

Gore:  Well, no.  Oh, maybe.  It’s early…

D.B.:  Shoot, that there suits me jist fine.  That dadgum Bobby Dewayne tried to put me out a BOM on a account a the rollin’ outhouse.

Gore:  He tried to impeach you?

D.B.:  I don’t member nothin’ ‘bout peaches, but he shore was a hot breathin’ me over my BOM ways.

Gore:  I’m sure you were right.

D.B.:  Dadgum right I was right.  Wail, far’s I know.  I tell you what, though, I shore have been missin’ my rollin’ outhouse.  Finally gonna git it back is what I hear.  Sumbody found it in dadgum Kansas, of all dadgum places.

Gore:  My, how odd.  Could I take a look at it?  I’m very good at outdoor craftsmanship, you know.

D.B.:  Oh shore, suits me.  I’m goin’ to git it in Lawrence Welk, Kansas, best I ‘member.

Gore:  I see.  I will plan to meet you there if we can locate it.

D.B.:  OK with me.  You better talk with ol’ Dickie if yore gonna run against ol’ Bobby Dewayne.  He’s a tricky feller.

Gore:  Thank you for the thoughtful advice, Mr. Belly. 

     +++

Bernice Belly was on the phone with Beulah Faye Ledbetter:

Bernice:  Dadgum, Beulah, still no word from Mr. Country.

Beulah:  I know.  Heck, I thought sure we hear from him after that damn Jim Nabors started selling like hot cakes.  The music business is way too strange to ever understand.

Bernice:  It’s pretty bad.  Still, how am I ever going to meet Mr. Country?

Beulah:  Well, I’ve got phase two ready to go.  Get a load of this.  Beulah played a recording of John Tesh singing “One Kilometer Too Many”

Bernice:  Darn, Beulah, that’s cruel. 

Beulah:  I know, girl, but what am I supposed to do?

Chapter 26

Maria had fallen asleep. Country kept driving through the night passing out of Kansas, then Oklahoma, and finally at dawn reaching the Texas Panhande. Maria awoke. Country said simply, "Read this and you will begin to understand." and handed her a recent copy of Outhouse Monthly.

Outhouse Lore and Etiquette

 An Interview with Texas Tom

Q: Should anything be done about outhouse odors or is it better to let nature be?

A: This is another place where the old-school outhousers have been slowly losing gound to the younger crowd. BOM (Back to the Outhouse Movement) thought about approving an exhaust fan but hasn't yet. Deodorizers are frowned at, but there have been no prohibitive rulings yet.

Q: I understand men used to do their drinking in outhouses so the wives wouldn't know. Outhouse restoration could mean a boon for bottle collectors. Do you foresee outhouses be auctioned on e-bay?

A: Definitely a Depression Glass goldmine. Since most outhouses used the "fill up the hole, then move it over" system, you can find entire estates in some parts of the country that are covered with buried antique glass.

Q: What are the dimensions of an outhouse? Why two seats?

A: The basic rule has been that you had to have room to accomodate at least one visitor, since it would be downright un-BOM-like to turn away a visitor in distress. This led to the two-hole model, since if you've invited someone in, they might as well have a functional place to sit.

Q: What trees, vegetation, etc. grow best around an outhouse?

A: BOM tried cataloging the different species for several years, but the list got so long, it began to seem like there's really no limit to what vegetation will flourish.

Q: Should outhouses be unisex or equal but separate?

A: Traditionally, it was unacceptable to deny entry to anyone seeking refuge in an outhouse, regardless of gender, since they might well have been fleeing a wild animal or attacking Indian. Even when those threats began to subside, the outhouse tended to be a meeting place for young men and women. Even today, you'll hear young men or women step to the door and say, "Hey, I think I just saw Apache battle smoke," and wait to hear, "Well, come on in before they see you!" Some people have taken a dim view of the custom, but most seem to think it works pretty well, seeing how a young couple has a better chance to get to know each other alone in an outhouse than, say, in a bar or a noisy car. Since the well-dressed young BOM woman always carries a gun to the outhouse, the safety factor isn't what a lot of outsiders often make it out to be.

Q: How far from the inhouse should the outhouse be?

A: That's a very individualized decision, and BOM hasn't made any hard-and-fast rulings. It's frowned on if you don't have to take at least 10 steps outside the house to reach the outhouse, but since some BOMers don't have much backyard space, it's hard to make that official.

Q: Should bums who sleep in outhouses be punished?

A: The basic rule is that is you have to cross a legal boundary to reach the outhouse, you should ask permission first. There are exceptions still on the BOM books, though, for taking cover from animals, Indians, tornadoes, Mexicans and Republicans.

Q: Can outhouses be private or do they belong to all of mankind?

A: They're private if they're on private property, but a good BOMer doesn't turn away a visitor in need.

Q: What local, state, or federal agency should regulate outhouses?

A: BOM is sticking with a zero tolerance policy - the old "don't let the camel get his nose in the outhouse" mentality.

Q: And finally, will there be outhouses in heaven?

A: BOMers look at Heaven as the ultimate outhouse - the one location that's completely outside every human experience.

Editor's Note: This interview was conducted with Texas Tom while he was in the outhouse. The interviewer was thirty feet away using a walkie-talkie.

Chapter 27

The owner of the Red Raider Pig Place came over to D.B. Belly's table:

Hogg:  Hidy, I'm Bobby Hogg.  What's this you're sayin' 'bout our books?

D.B.:  See, them SECs is tryin' to tear up Texas football.  They done sent that Steve Spurrear to tear into the Cowboys, Amunica's dadgum team, and they goin' after ever dadgum Texas college team too.  Dadgum disgrace is what it is.

Hogg:  Well, it sure sounds like it.  What do we need to do with our books?

D.B.:  You got ta make shore they ain't no lies in 'em.  If they are, thow them dadgum books in the dadgum Hefty bag.

Hogg:  Shoot, I don't know nothin' 'bout books.  Can you help?

D.B.:  Shore, I know my dadgum books.

Hogg:  Well, heck, we ain't got many.  How 'bout this 'un?

D.B.:  Read the title, "The Man From Hope."  He crossed out "hope" and wrote "dope" with the Crayola black crayon he always carried in his overalls bib and said, "that 'un's alright now."

He looked at the second book and read "Earth In the Balance."  "Shoot," he said, "I cain't make heads nor tails of a this 'um.  Thow it out."

The next title was "The Secrets Of San Manse:  An Unofficial Biography Of Mr. Country," by Y.B. Commandanche.  D.B. said, "shoot, I'll buy this 'un!  How much you want?

Hogg:  Oh, shoot, I guess ten dollars.

D.B.:  Opening a Mickey Mouse lunch box filled with ten dollar bills, he said, "well, just take what you need, for the book and the fud.  That all the books?"

Hogg:  Yep, that's all we got here.  Shore glad you told us 'bout them SECs.

D.B.:  Dadgum it, we got to all stick tagether, or all the dadgum Texas football teams'll be in Tennessee, dadgum it!

     +++

It just happened to be Saturday night as Lance entered the outskirts of Nashville. It wasn't too far away, so Lance thought he'd drive by and see who was playing at the Grand Ole Opry.  Country Jim Nabors.

Chapter 28

"Quite illuminating," Maria said as she put the magazine down. "Who is, or should I say, was Texas Tom? The magazine says this interview is a reprint from 1959."

Country replied, "He's one of a set of triplets. His brothers are Troubador and Acapulco."

Maria gasped, "I know Acapulco. But he is not real. He is the work of an overactive imagination."

"Oh, he's real alright. In fact, that son of a gun has been known to follow me around trying to learn the secrets of the Sans."

"You don't say! But he seemed to be so mysterious and otherworldly with no interest in the mundane world."

Country was blunt, "That's an act."

Maria could see Country was getting agitated so she changed the subject (slightly): "What part of Texas are they from?"

"What makes you think they're from Texas? Because he calls himself Texas Tom? Give me a break. The Toms were born in Princeton, New Jersey where their parents (Tom and Taneka) were professors at the university. They all graduated from Princeton with masters degrees. They moved to Texas in 1963 to work for Billy Bob Ledbetter."

Maria said in response, "Mmm, it's all starting to make sense."

They turned off of Texas Farm Road 1421 and stopped. The sign said, "San John' 5 miles more or less"

Maria looked out on the road leading toward San John',

"Why it's the color of gold!"

Country replied sardonically, "Yea, they call it the 'Yellow Dirt Road'."

       +++

Lance sometimes got lonely on his private investigative trips and thought often of his wife, Laredo. Lance was not a bad looking guy (he wasn't particularly good looking either) and there had been some temptations but somehow he had managed to remain true.

It wasn't easy though.

He had toyed with the idea of bringing Laredo with him. The kids, Lassiter and LaRosa, were students at NGJC (North Galbutt Junior College). But Laredo had said she was getting too old to travel.

Maybe Lance was getting too old too.

      +++

"A fox was in the henhouse. The hens were gone. The fox didn't know. Did it bother the fox? The hens were complacent too."

- From "The Zen of PPU" Y. B. Commandanche, Texalina Press, 1981.

Chapter 29

Lance sometimes got lonely on his private investigative trips and thought often of his wife, Laredo. Lance was not a bad looking guy (he wasn't particularly good looking either) and there had been some temptations but somehow he had managed to remain true.

It wasn't easy though.

He had toyed with the idea of bringing Laredo with him. The kids, Lassiter and LaRosa, were students at NGJC (North Galbutt Junior College). But Laredo had said she was getting too old to travel.

Maybe Lance was getting too old too.

     +++

"A fox was in the henhouse. The hens were gone. The fox didn't know. Did it bother the fox? The hens were complacent too."

From "The Zen of PPU" Y. B. Commandanche, Texalina Press, 1981.

Chapter 30

They turned off of Texas Farm Road 1421 and stopped. The sign said, "San John' 5 miles more or less"

Maria looked out on the road leading toward San John',

"Why it's the color of gold!"

Country replied sardonically, "Yea, they call it the 'Yellow Dirt Road'."

  +++

Where does San John' rate in the Sans hierarchy? Let's ask the denizens and citizens of San John' their opinion of their hometown:

"It may not be San Manse', but what place is?" Riley Cobb, age 5.

"I visited San Manse'. I like San John' better." Stu Folk, age 61.

"Our stores NEVER run out of Elizabeth Post facial quality tissue paper." Sally Sue, age 95.

"Every San is a San." Melinda "Olive Skin" Turner, age 45.

"We won't be a legitimate San until Deep Belly visits and eats bar-b-que here." Mayor Bobby "Welcome Home" Commandanche (grandson of PPU founder Y. B. Commandanche)

There you have it. San Johnnians' take a look at themselves.

 Chapter 31

They were only a mile out of San John' when Maria asked Country to pull to the side of the yellow dirt road.

"Why not let Chompy and Chunky and his ass out here. I'm sure the readers are gettng tired of the 'ass' double entendres. I know I am."

"But aren't they central to the plot?"

"What plot?"

"Good point."

   +++

"The simplistic explanation of things may be not always be right... but it takes the least effort."

- Y.B. Commandanche, "The ABCs of PPU", Texalina Press, 1999

 Chapter 32

 Lance had made it to the Pacific Coast in record time. Loneliness had given him insomnia. He walked into the San Debacle' Chamber of Commerce. A little old lady asked him,

"Can I help you?"

"Yes, I want to know if Country is playing at any of the night clubs in town?"

The little old lady replied, "Dear me, Country called and canceled three days ago. Said something about his truck going over a cliff and falling on top of a flying outhouse then landing in Kansas and riding on a yellow dirt road."

Lance couldn't believe his bad luck. He had half a mind to retire from the PI business and go home to Laredo. But Lance had never quit on a job before. Wearily, he turned around started back toward the door. The little old lady turned the radio back on. The DJ said, "And now a new song from John Tesh,... 'Just Passin' Thru'".

Lance groaned.

Lance was depressed. Who wouldn't be? He had overshot Country about 1700 miles. No matter what he needed some sleep. And thank goodness he had the solution, one of Sloppy's "educational" tapes.

Lance looked through "Sloppy's Cavalcade of Grate Ideas" and picked out one that never failed to put him asleep by the second sentence. It was:

Drought Relief

By Sloppy Sam

I'm getting' tired of all this fuss about global worming. People keep talking about how dry and hot it is and how it's going to keep getting worse. You think instead of crawing about it all the time somebody would do something about it. And I'm talking about somebody smart, not that Algore fella (yea, him, the one who invented the enternest). But since nobody's steppin' to the plate, I guess ole Sloppy is goin' to have to solve another one.

The answer is pretty simple (it has to be for me to come up with it). Take all the passenger airlines and strip all the seats out of them. People ain't got no business flying anyway. If they did, God would have given them repellers. Send the planes chasing after thunderstorms. When a plane finds one, have it rigged up so the rain comes rushing in and fill up the area where the passengers used to sit. Then when it's full, fly to a dry spot and let her rip! Pretty simple, huh? Wonder why nobody else thought of it.

While I'm on a roll, I might as well solve another earth ending dielemur. I'm talking about the oh zone hole. The answer? Chewing gum! Not fresh, but the used kind. Put a refundable deposit on chewing gum and you'll have more than you ever thought possible. Put the gum in a rocketship and send it straight to the oh zone hole. Have it timed to blow up once it hits the hole. Keep doing this for the next ten years or so and that oh zone hole is history.

I don't really see what the fuss is all about though. What's so bad about global worming? They say one of the defects of it is that places near the coast will be covered by ocean water. That means New York City, Los Angeles, and Washington, D.C., don't it? Now what's so bad about that?

 Chapter 33

Lance awoke, much refreshed from "listening" to one of Sloppy's educational tapes. He decided, what the heck, maybe I can still talk Laredo into joining me. So he gave her a call on the cell phone. It was three am in North Galbutt. Laredo was drowsy and just wanted Lance to get off the phone so she agreed to meet him in Las Vegas in five days. Lance hung up, happy but with a little problem. It wouldn't take him five days to get from San Debacle', Northern California to Las Vegas, Neveda. He had to kill some time. Hey! Why not visit Sloppy's cousin, Citizen Buck in his San Zannadoo' estate near Bakersfield. Buck was known to be a confidante of Country and might even have been in contact with him lately.

Lance smiled. Things were looking better.

   +++

Bernice Belly gazed fondly at the package left at her door.  It was obviously from Uncle D.B., because all the words except “Belly” were misspelled.  Knowing that it would be yet another parcel of fud, she set it aside.  She still had Belly fud on-hand from shipments of three months ago – “emergency starvation kits.”

Later that evening, Bernice opened the package.  She was startled to find that in addition to four boxes of Moon Pies, it contained a book:  "The Secrets Of San Manse:  An Unofficial Biography Of Mr. Country," by Y.B. Commandanche.  “My,” thought Bernice, “this could be my map to Mr. Country.”

After reading a few pages of "The Secrets Of San Manse,” Bernice could see that Mr. Commandanche’s insights into Mr. Country were not going to be particularly easy to follow.  She read the following passage three times to make sure she understood what she didn’t understand:

“What is San Manse?  Where is San Manse?  First of all, ask yourself, ‘What isn’t San Manse?’ ‘Where isn’t San Manse?’  Will you know it by what it is, or by what it isn’t?  By how it is today or how it was yesterday?  And if yesterday, which yesterday?  If tomorrow, which tomorrow?  If today, which today?  Mr. Country knows, and the rest of us guess.”

Bernice decided it was time to implement a time-tested Belly response to occasions like this.  She pulled out a six-pack of Shiner. 

Chapter 34

Lance knew that Citizen Buck was a gold mine of information on Country but even more that he was an interesting person in his own right, and after listening to SETs (Sloppy Educational Tape) for three thousand miles, he was ready for something interesting. Citizen Buck had been a country singer for over fifty years, but unlike Country he was popular and sold records. What follows (we hope) is some of Buck's pithier observations:

“Some say the medium is the message.  Bull.  The money is the message.  If you make records and they sell, there’s your message.  If they don’t, there’s another message.  The first one works better.”

“Don’t make records for pointy-head critics.  They don’t buy enough records to matter.  Make music for people who buy a lot of records.  This ain’t rocket science, son.”

“Record good songs.  How you gonna know if you’re recording a good song?  Record a bunch of songs.  Some of them will sell.  Those are the good ones.”

“Keep your band sober.  A sober crowd will know if they’re drunk, and the drunks won’t care.  You can’t count on everyone in the crowd getting drunk, so you’ve got to play for the ones that don’t.”

Buck had to stop to take a asthma treatment. Lance saw the opportunity to ask,

"If you were Country, where would you go, if your truck fell off a mountain, landed on a flying outhouse, and alit somewhere in Kansas?  Buck thought for a moment and said, “I’d call BR-549.”

Lance, stunned by the reply (its simplicity and straight-to-the-pointness had caught off him off guard), stuttered and asked, "Why?"

Citizen Buck said, “that’s what I always do when I have no idea what’s going on.  Do something, even if it doesn’t work.  Keep doing something, and eventually either one of those somethings will work or you’ll be past whatever the hell problem it was that you were trying to solve anyway.  You’d be surprised how many interesting people you can meet by dialing BR-549 and then punching a couple more numbers, though.”

Made sense to Lance, so he pulled out his cell phone, and dialed "BR-549". It rang several times, then a voice answered, saying, "Joe's Jewish pizza.  Unleavened crust all year round."

"Well, thanks, Buck, gotta go to Las Vegas. Laredo will be there in a couple of days."

"Laredo's in Texas, son."

Lance left San Zannadoo'.

     +++

"I neither walk nor talk. I neither run or have fun. I neither know or say no. I just simply don't know."

- Y.B. Commandance, "More PPU Zen", Texalina Press, 2001

 Chapter 35

D.B. Belly’s fangers were still sore.  He had personally made posters to send all B6 outlets for prominent posting that read:  “Free Fud Fore Mr. Cuntry!  All Yew Kin Eat!”  After getting them mailed off he contemplated the irony of his action.  His fondest dream was to find himself in a world in which all fud was free, on an all-you-can-eat basis.  His fantasy might never be fulfuded, but at least he might fulfud Mr. Country.

     +++

Country said, "I'm hungry. Let's eat!"

Maria replied, "Any place in particular you like in San John'?"

"The B6."

 Maria said, "I don't think I've ever been in a B6. I heard them, of course."

"You should," Country replied, "best combination of bait and beef BBQ in Texalina."

Maria laughed. Ah, how good it was to laugh after three years in a flying outhouse with two old men and an ass.

Country laughed too. Then he noticed for the first time (and he wondered why he hadn't noticed it before), "Why that girl looks a little bit like Sloppy!"

The San John B6 was on the south edge of town (The CEO of B6 Stores, Inc., Bernice Belly, had decreed that all B6s had to be on the south side of whatever town they were in). It was located in a single wide mobile home, circa 1947, and sat beside a dried up pond. Country remarked when he drove up, "One of the new, fancy ones."

They walked in and the manager, Jeremiah "Bullfrog" Belly and Country embraced in the traditional Belly hug, which meant they just looked at each other and said howdy.

Then Bullfrog asked, "Who's the young filly you got with you."  "Maria. I met her when my truck landed on DB's flying outhouse."

"Really? Uncle DB's been pretty mad about that situation."

"Well, I left it in Kansas. I would have pulled it here but I had to haul somebody's ass to Texas."

Maria inserted, "I thought we were going to drop the ass double entendres."  Country replied, "Maybe you are , but I was only briefly mentioned in the first novel. I'm not sick of them yet."

      +++

"War is not usually good for the economy but sometime it is. Never be too sure of anything and anything will never be too sure of you."

- Y.B. Commandance, "PPU for the Computer Age", Texalina Press, 2007 (with special thanks to SM Tubebacher's Time Machine).

Chapter 36

Ida Faye Barlow, a long-time waitress at the San John B6, noticed Mr. Country and his companion.  She excitedly walked over with two menus and a pot of coffee, greeting the two with very rapid speech: 

“Why howdy!  Dadgum, it’s Mr. Country!  Don’t you know that Miss Bernice is looking for you?  Hi, little lady!  Miss Bernice ain’t lookin’ for you as far as I know, but then she might be.  You’re gettin’ free fud!  That there’s you, Mr. Country, not you, little lady.  ‘Course, shoot, since you’re with Mr. Country, maybe you get free fud too.  And then, maybe not.  And then, shoot, since Mr. Country gets all the fud he can eat, all for free, who’s to say that he couldn’t get a mess of fud and give some to you out of the all-you-can eat pile?  "‘Course, if he didn’t eat it, it wouldn’t really qualify as all-you-can-eat, now would it?  Oh shoot, I don’t know.  Why don’t you all just eat up all the hell you can eat and worry about that mess later. 

Shoot, you know what, Mr. Country, there’s people out that there can’t sing that’s singin’ your songs!  Did you know that?  Dadgum, I near fell off my bar stool the first time I heard somebody playin’ that crap over to the Legion Hall.  Then it came to me that I wasn’t on no stool at all and figured it was time to go home.  Sure sounded sorry, though, and I started to thinkin’, dadgum, maybe Mr. Country has done got a bad cold or was smacked on the head with a pool stick or what not.  Then I seen on the jukebox that it wasn’t Mr. Country but some other feller. 

"Dadgum!  The boy ought to learn some sangin’ ‘fore he starts sangin’ Mr. Country songs.  Why on earth did you let that feller screw up them songs anyway?  Dadgum, I’m just wonderin’ why we servin’ you fud for free when you’re goin’ ‘round screwin’ up dang good songs by lettin’ folks that cain’t sang sang ‘em.  But, anyway, them’s the rules, free fud.  Anyway, when you all gonna make up your mind what you want to eat?  I ain’t got all day, you know.”

      +++

Few people knew it but Country had a secret passion for beef BBQ. When he was in North Galbutt, of course, he ate nothing but pork BBQ, in deference to Sloppy, and the fact that he didn't have to pay for it as long he promised not to sing around Sloppy's customers. But eating beef BBQ, somehow, especially when he was in Texas, made him feel like a combination of John Wayne, Matt Dillon, and Santa Anna. Reminded him of Texas Tom's essay that won TT the Switzer Prize for great BBQ journalism:

If You Call it Barbecue, Where's The Beef?

Maria was pacing anxiously. Country lay flat on the stage, still in a Celine Dion induced coma. La-Pau was meditating in the corner, counting to ten over and over.

Maria asked, "Is there anything you can do?"

La-Pau stopped meditating, "What year was he born in?"

"1953."

"Sorry."

     +++

The Skinny Ones were in disarray. Their leader, Mosath, had ridden off with the man made of wood and now they were being subjected to the most boring lecture they had ever heard, even more boring than when Martha Stewart lectured them on selling short in the Stock Market. They had gone through months of grueling preparation to be able to withstand OCS (Original Country Singing) but nothing had prepared them for this.

There was only answer. Retreat.

The Bellys had stuck their heads out the outhouses. When they saw the Skinny Ones on the run they let out a loud roar that woke up all the sleepy citizens of San Joe'.

Except Country.

Intermission

This sequel began by saying that Country knew the secrets of San Manse'. Later we said he knew the 'Secrets of the Sans'. Just before lapsing into a deep coma, Country uttered the word 'peachpit' or words 'peach pit' if you prefer. Was this a clue to the 'Secret of the Sans'? We don't know (but we feel good about it). Any suggestions?...

Find out about peach pit, or if there's anything to find out, in

Souee Generis - Echoes of The Worst Novel Ever, Part 2