D.B. Visits Heaven

by A.T.T

Donnie Bob Belly awakened with a fright.  He was flying!  After a lifetime of obsessively avoiding airplanes, elevators, stairs, and any other transportation medium that could take him to an elevation of more than ten feet above ground, he found himself in the air, looking down on rapidly moving clouds and glimpses of houses, fields and parking lots far below.

Then he looked up, and received a greater fright.  He was being flown by a bird!  With its claws firmly holding each of his overalls straps, it was carrying D.B. through the air.  And, not just any bird.  D.B. shouted, "Dadgum, yore The Great Speckled Bird!" 

The bird replied, "Hold it down, OK?  No need to yell.  And make that A Great Speckled Bird.  You guys really need to work on your grammar.  There are millions of us, of many different sizes.  Using the definite article, 'the', in this case, is like saying 'the mid-sized yellow taxi' or 'the large Budweiser truck'.  It's lousy communications structure, and it irritates me.  Just call me Speck, OK?  Another thing, when we get to Receiving, you'll want to watch the 'dadgums'.  No big deal to me, but they get excited about that kind of thing up there."

D.B. said, "Alright there, Mr. Speck.  Anyways, where we goin'?"

Speck said, "How did you know I was a mister?  Guess?"

D.B. said, "Yes Sir, that there's what it was."

Speck said, "Good guess.  This must be your lucky day.  Where we're going is CPC Number one.  That's Celestial Processing Center."

D.B. said, "That Heaven?"

Speck said, "That's what you guys call it."

D.B. said, "Well, shoot, I reckon I must be daid.  You know what, this ain't bad!  I kinda like this flyin'!  If I'd a knowed it was like this, I'd a tried it before!  But, dadgum, who's gonna feed the pig an steer an what not?  Who's gonna open up the B6?  Who's gonna fix breakfast for Bertha Mae?  You all send down folks ta take care a such as that?  An shoot, Speck, I don't thank I can talk without my 'dadgums'.  Good night, what are them folks thankin'?"

Speck said, "I just do transportation; don't ask me.  I have opinions about the linguistics rules, but for now, that's not in my job description.  As for your Earthly concerns, forget them.  Life goes on, right?  Down there, I mean.  You have other things to worry about, believe me."

D.B. said, "OK, Speck.  Hey, listen here, I'm gettin' kinda hungry.  Want to stop an get a bite to eat?"

Speck said, "Think about what you just said.  Can you imagine what kind of droppings I generate?  They'd be dropping on you, you know."

D.B. said, "Goodness, I can just imagine!  Wail, Speck, how 'bout this:  I could have me a bite, an you could git you a little breather, see?"

Speck said, "Forget it.  I'm on schedule; let's not screw it up, OK?  You're a heavy load, Belly, and it's taking a little longer than usual.  Besides, you don't know it yet, but you're not really hungry.  It's all in your head.  Your body isn't burning food."

D.B. said, "It's my belly, Speck!  I know good and well what's happenin' in there!  But, shoot, if you ain't gonna stop, I reckon I'll just have to go on storvin'.  Sure don't like it, though, I can tell you that."

Speck said, "You'll get over it, at least most of 'em do.  We won't be long, though.  I'll be cranking it up as soon as I get out of this gravity."     

Shortly, it seemed, D.B. found himself on solid ground again.  He turned to talk to Speck, but he was gone.  Then he heard a voice say, "Belly, Donnie Bob?"

D.B. turned and said, "That's me.  Who you?"

"Saint Bob.  You can call me Bob.  Welcome to CPC Number One orientation."

D.B. said, "It ain't for me to say, but I was expectin' Saint Peter.  And where's them Pearly Gates?"

St. Bob said, "Oh, you'll run into Pete.  He doesn't work the gates, though.  Hasn't for millennia.  Just a token appearance here and there.  We've got a lot more than 12 gates, the pearl ones.  You can't imagine what the lines would be like if we limited ourselves in that way.  What's wrong with marble anyway?  It's my personal favorite, as a matter of fact.  Anyway, Belly, just have a seat for now.  I'll get back to you sooner or later."

D.B. found a seat.  There were signs all around the room, each of them reading "Sit down.  Be quiet.  Do patience.  Patience is big here."  Before long, he was asleep in the chair.

When he awoke again, D.B. found himself dressed in a flowing white robe, sitting in a chair across a desk from Saint Bob, who was squinting at a paper on the desk.  D.B. said, "Good night, Bob, where's my overalls?  This is a dadgum dress!"

Saint Bob said, "Hey, watch the language!  You'll get both of us in trouble with talk like that!  That's the uniform for Novices, Belly.  You'll get used to it.  You sure are a sound sleeper!  Thought sure you'd wake up before they got those overalls off."

D.B. said, "I ain't even got no drawers on!  Shoot, this thang's sure gonna git drafty!  I ain't wearin' this mess!"

Saint Bob said, "Yes you are, Belly.  Just drop it.  OK, next thing is you pick your new body type.  Here's the choices; pick one."

D.B. took the Body Type Catalog from Saint Bob.  After a few seconds, he said, "Shoot, them's all porely fellers!  I ain't givin' up my belly, Bob!  You jist git that outta yore mind right now!"

Saint Bob said, "Suit yourself.  You'll get another shot later on.  OK, now, we need a vocation for you.  What do you like to do?"

D.B. said, "Why, fudin', a course.  Just turn me loose on the pig, steer an what not.  You all got some real nice smokers here?"

Saint Bob said, "We don't do food, Belly.  Pick something else."

D.B. said, "No fud?!  Good night, Bob, ya'll crazy!  I'm storvin'!  Why you doin' me this way?"

Saint Bob said, "No you aren't.  You just think you are.  You'll see.  Anyway, pick something else for now.  Hurry."

D.B. said, "Oh, shoot, Bob, I don't hardly know.  I'm a fuder, see?!  Wail, I like sangin'.  Shoot, I know ever dadgum one a Mr. Roy Acuff's songs.  Dadgum, Bob, ..."

Saint Bob interrupted, saying, "He's one of ours.  Great.  I'll page Roy and turn you over to him.  Then you'll be his problem."

Soon, Roy Acuff entered the room.  D.B. immediately stood, saying, "Hidy, Mr. Roy!  Sure good to see you!  Yore my favoritiest sanger they are!"

Acuff said, "Why, thank you there, Belly.  You just get here?"

D.B. said, "Sure did.  Rode in on The Great Speckled Bird too, Mr. Roy!  Just like you was a sayin'!  Shoot, let's sang it up right now!"

Acuff said, "Sorry, Belly.  I haven't done any singing since I got here.  I was fed up with it a long time before then, I can tell you that.  Sing the same old songs for 60 years, and you get tired of it.  I'm into harpin' big-time, though.  Just got me an E-flat tuning figured out that'll knock your socks off, if you were wearing socks, that is.  Come on, Belly, I'll show you.  You're going to love this!"

D.B. said, "No offense, Mr. Roy, but I jist ain't a harp feller.  Shoot, is Mr. Gene Autry up here?  He's my other favoritest sanger, see?"

Acuff said, "Nah, Autry's been down Earth way here lately.  Never gave up baseball.  Still has those Angels on the mind, the other Angels, you know.  Cheatin' if you ask me, but they let him go down there and mess with 'em.  No music at all, though.  Not that cowboy stuff of his, no harpin', no nothin'.  Just that baseball.  I told him over and over, 'get over it, Autry!  Move on!'.  They told me I could go down and mess with Nashville, and I told 'em to forget it.  That place is way too screwed up for me.  Let the big boys take it on if they want to.  I just got out of Novice; Nashville's way past anything I can handle."

D.B. said, "Well, shoot, that mean I can go back down ta Dime Box?"

Acuff said, "You've got to get past Novice before you can do anything.  Basic training, you might call it.  After that, your Mission Counselor will talk to you about what to do next.  I've got an E-flat harp class comin' up I can get you into.  Keep it in mind, Belly."  Acuff then vanished from the room.

Saint Bob then said, "Well, Belly, I guess you're still mine.  Any other ideas?"

D.B. said, "You know what?  I could take ya'll's erasers out an clean 'em!  I'm real good at it!  Shoot, Bob, you all don't want ta git that chalk dust messin' up these nice gold streets an what not.  Give me them erasers, an I'll take 'em ta Dime Box and clean 'em up jist right!"

Saint Bob sternly gazed at D.B. for several seconds and then said, "Belly, your head's still in Texas, isn't it?  Still in food, overalls, overindulgence, eight-tracks, beer, whiskey, and so on.  Isn't it?"

D.B. said, "That's right, Bob!  Shoot, you a knowin' feller!  Want ta go with me?  You'll like it!"

Saint Bob said, "Belly, we don't use erasers up here.  No chalk, no chalk dust.  And, Belly, crude attempts at manipulation don't go over well here.  More sophisticated approaches can work at times, but they have limited utility as well.  I'm assigning you to Extended Novice Training.  That's 100 Earth years, more or less.  Daily harp training, extra meditation, brand new body whether you like it or not, lots of walking, no talking at all, even think about food and you'll get double harp class, daily  ..."

D.B. said, "No!  Please, Bob, not that!  Shoot, we got to talk 'bout this mess!"

Suddenly, D.B. heard Bertha Mae's voice, saying, "Talk 'bout what, Donnie Bob?  Good night, man, git up off the dadgum grass and feed the dadgum pig!  You gonna sleep out here all dadgum day?  That won't do!"

D.B. looked down to see that he was wearing his overalls.  Then he saw several empty Mason jars that still reeked of corn liquor, and that he was in the pasture behind the barn.  On Earth!  In Dime Box!  Had he been dreaming?  Made it past Novice?  Gotten kicked out?  D.B. didn't know for sure, but he jumped up, hugged Bertha Mae, kissed her, and said, "Dadgum, Bertha, it shore is good to see you!"

Bertha Mae said, "That's good, Donnie Bob.  What I want to see is breakfast in 20 minutes.  Don't you be late."

D.B. then noticed a large bird flying over.  It was too far away to see what kind.  To be on the safe side, he yelled out, "Thank ye there, Speck!  You come have a bite anytime you want!  But don't go grabbin' me no more, see?"