THE END OF THE 20TH CENTURY

By Country and Texas Tom

We're headed for a new age,

That's what we've all been told,

Where reality keeps changing,

And your thoughts are bought and sold.

In a cozy cyber-village,

Connected from on high,

You'll have to be downloaded,

Before they'll give you life.

Does it feel like a penitentiary,

At the end of the 20th century?

Everything about you,

Will be on some database,

And everything about every soul,

In all the human race.

There'll be no end to knowledge,

When everything's been shown,

And you won't have a single truth,

That you can call your own.

Does it feel like the end of being me,

At the end of the 20th century?

There'll be no need for thinking,

When there's nothing left to say,

You'll always be connected,

So there'll be no need to pray.

But sometimes you might ponder,

If this system is divine,

And where you'll be tomorrow,

If they disconnect the line.

Does it feel like the end of being free,

At the end of the 20th century?

Copyright 1997 by Rampage Music

ONE WORLD BAR-B-QUE

Mama, mix up some tater salad,

Get yourself ready to smile,

We're gonna cook ol' Billy the steer,

And take him out in style.

We'll give his soul fair warning,

And tell it to find a new home,

Heck it can even join in the eatin',

Before it has to roam.

CHORUS:

Cause Hindus, Jews, Christians too,

Rotarians and all the rest,

Just love the taste of Bar-B-Que,

And beef Bar-B-Que is best.

2)

Now, I know some folks wonder,

When does the soul take flight?

Well, I think it's better to move along,

While having a juicy bite.

Cause I've done my share of travel,

And movin' can leave you beat,

o I think a soul that's hittin the road,

Ought to start with someting to eat.

CHORUS:

Cause Buddists, Methodits, Yankees too,

Libertarians and all the rest,

Just can't resist good Bar-B-Que,

And beef Bar-B-Que is best.

There's an Angus grazing by the lake,

A walking ton of juicy steak,

And a Hereford walking through the thicket,

A month's supply of tender brisket.

Beauty is as beauty tastes,

And marinates and roasts and bastes.

What could be a nobler thing to do,

Than live to give great food to you?

CHORUS:

You're beautiful beyond belief

You're beautiful because you're beef

You're beautiful just being you

But 'specially when you barbequed

MY PIGS EAT BETTER THAN THIS

I've been looking for something good to eat

But this swill here smells like your feet

Baby, is there I something I somehow missed?

My Pigs Eat Better Than This

A year ago when first we started wooing

All we could hear was the cows a'mooing

After each juicy bite of beef we kissed

But now, My Pigs Eat Better Than This

Your grits are grainy as the ocean sand

our chitlins are out of a can

Your biscuits are always amiss

My pigs eat better than this

When I said I do I guess I was a fool

that you weren't a grad of cooking school

and now I'm passing green piss

My Pigs Eat Better Than This

She's An Alien (or 5 Million Light Years Away From Home)

She's a good looking woman in her prime

No one believes she's really a canine

But when she walks at night through the park

She sees the dog star and she wants to bark

She's An Alien, An Alien

She's An Alien, An Alien

All's she's ever known is milk bone in a cup

She came to earth when she just a pup

And none of her friends can understand

She's a cocker spaniel bitch inside a wo-man

She's An Alien, An Alien

She's An Alien, An Alien

Some folks thinks she's lost her mind

when she says she's an interstellar canine

And though Sirius is a few light years away

Seems like five million cause here she's gonna stay

She's An Alien, An Alien

She's An Alien, An Alien

This Ain't My Universe

Neptune's a place I'm not too fond of

Jupiter's a planet I'll never love

And life here on earth seems under a curse

Baby, don't you know, this ain't my universe

Mercury's as hot as hell on one side

On Pluto you can freeze-dry your hide

But here on earth is no doubt the worst 

Baby, don't you know, this ain't my universe

Refrain

And I have traveled far/ from star to star

Seen a million planets full of space-age junk

And everywhere I went/ nothing was heaven-sent

That's why you find me in this cosmic funk

Andromeda's a galaxy very far away

Doesn't sound as tasty as the Milky Way And they say

Old Sol is about to burst

Baby, don't you know, this ain't my universe

Alpha-Centauri once sounded good to me

Until I saw all the depravity

They'll steal your ray gun, runaway with your purse

Baby, don't you know, this ain't my universe

YOU AIN'T HEIFER ENOUGH TO TAKE MY BULL

The word's out on the pasture,

That you've been playin' around.

Swingin' and swayin' your udder,

When the bulls ain't lookin' down.

I've seen your kind before here,

And they wound up in Big Macs.

Take your hussy ways some other place,

Or you're gonna get a cow attack.

CHORUS:

Heifers like you are a dime a pound,

You can find 'em everywhere.

For you to get to him I'd have to moo over,

But I'm gonna graze right here.

So you head back to the dairy,

And do it 'fore I lose my cool,

Cause you ain't heifer enough to take my bull.

THIS PLANET IS NOT MY HOME

What on earth do I like about this planet

What on earth am I doing here

What on earth do I like about this planet

Not much if you don't count... the women, song, and beer

My home planet's kind of straight-laced

Don't see a smile on many a face

People live in fear of rejection

They don't have that astral projection

They've never heard Waylon wailing

They've never seen Clinton failing

They've never seen Dylan dancing

Never seen Texas Tom romancing

They've never been to the Alamo

Never paid for a downtown ho

They're never drunk on Saturday night

Never party till the morning light

So I'm staying here as long as I can

I like being a terrestial man

Earth is the place for having fun

I stay until I'm blinded by the sun

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN THE COWS COME HOME?

What do you do when the ocean dries up?

What do you do when so does your beer cup?

What do you do when you run out of corn?

What do you do when the cows come home?

What do you say when you've hit the wall?

What do you say when you've done it all?

What do you say when you've lost the foam?

What do you say when the cows come home?

You might say... I'm in the mood for more moo

I'm in the mooooood for all the things that you do

So.. let... the... cows come home

And we'll snuggle up all alone

While the cows are doing their moo

What do you feel when the coffee is cold?

What do you feel when the lettuce is old?

What do you feel when you lose a bone?

What do you feel when the cows come home?

What do you do when you're at your wit's end?

What do you do when you've lost your best friend?

What do you do when you can't get a good loan?

What do you do when the cows come home?

TURN YOUR LIFE AROUND WITH BEEF

You're sitting there with the TV aglow,

Telling you things you already know,

Thinking there must be better things to do

There's something mssing, you know darn well,

And this little song up and rings your bell,

What your life really needs is a little beef Bar-B-Que!

CHORUS:

Turn the beef around for some Bar-B-Que action,

Turn the beef around for some satisfaction,

Turn your life around with beef, beef, beef.

Get a taste of what you been a missin,

Grab a hunk of beef and give it a kissin',

Grab yourself some beef, beef, beef.

2)

When you're at the grill in your suburban yard,

Nothing about life seems very hard,

And you're not all alone any more.

Other beef lovers will flock around,

And they're the best people in your town,

You'll be surrounded by Americans good and true.

3) But when the strangers come to look,

Those who think pigs are fit to cook,

You'll have to rise above their empty heads.

Try to open up their minds and hearts,

Serve up some delicious bovine parts,

And lead them to the way of the truth.

PREGNANT WITH MYSELF

by HHD

I'm pregnant with myself

That's how the story goes

Pregnant with myself

I have to blow my nose

I'm pregnant with myself

Gonna go to Amarillo

Pregnant with myself

Gonna eat an armadillo

Chorus

I might be pregnant with myself

I'm already begotten from above

Pregnant with myself

But so filled with Jesus' love

I'm pregnant with myself

My brows need to be plucked

Pregnant with myself

Boy, did I get F-----d

I'M BIG ON PIG

Give me time to put on my overalls,

My Elvis belt and my lavender wig.

Gotta run on in to the outhouse

Cause IIIIIIIIIIIIIII'm... Big on Pig

Sueeeeeeeee! Sueeeeeeeee!

Let's go get in the pickup truck,

Or crank up ol' Willard's rig,

Then it's right over to the Bar-B-Q joint

Cause Weeeeee're... Big on Pig

Sueeeeeeeee! Sueeeeeeeeee!

Chorus:

Big on Pig, Stoked on Pork,

Dig right in and toss out the Fork,

Big on Pig, Fogged on Hog,

Drink some shine and fall off the log

2)

 Let's call up our real good friends, and anybody else we dig,

Everybody meet at the Pig-out Place,

Cause weeeeeeee're ... Big on Pig

Sueeeeeeeeeee! Sueeeeeeeeeeee!

Maybe Billy Clinton will join us,

Even Texas Tom will make this gig.

We're all equal in Hog Heaven,

Yea! weeeeee're... big on pig

Sueeeeeeeeeeeee! Sueeeeeeeeeee!

I WAS BORN A PIG FARMER'S DAUGHTER

by Miss Loretta

I was borned a pig farmer's daughter.

In a pen near a sty near a holler.

Thangs would stink and thangs would squeal,

Thangs was bad, but thangs was real,

And no one could ever hear me in the holler.

I took up sangin', and I worked such a happy crowd,

The pigs didn't seem to care if I sang real loud.

I could hit them notes all wrong,

And forget the words to my song,

But the pigs was always nice to the pig farmer's daughter.

In the wintertime, the slop would up and freeze,

And my piggies would line up beggin' on their bended knees.

Sometimes I stole some cookies and cream,

To let 'em starve, I'd never dream,

I stood by the pigs like the a good pig farmer's daughter.

When I was 30, folks told me I didn't have shoes to wear,

It was news to me, and wandered just why I'd care.

When I put 'em on, it hurt,

So I went back straight to the dirt,

And in Nashville it helped to be a barefooted pig farmer's daughter

REAL MEN AREN'T AFRAID OF BLACK HOLES

You can step inside a circle

You can kneel down in a square

You can dive into the water and not come up for air

You can orbit the rings of Saturn

You can kiss the rings of Mars

You can laugh at those hillbillies living out among the stars

Real men aren't afraid of black holes

Real men don't really care

Real men aren't afraid of anything they don't know is really there

You can jump off of a building that is thirty stories high

You can take a bath inside the sun and pretend not to cry

You can eat Vegan twinkies

You can ride a comet's tail

You can tell all the women you're one hell of a male

DON'T COME HOME STILL EATIN', WITH SQUEALIN' ON YOU MIND

by Miss Loretta Pig

There you are outside the pigpen,

Holdin' flowers to your chest.

You've eaten half the petals,

And you're workin' on the rest.

What started out romantic,

Has vanished in a fog,

And now you're in the slop again,

Just actin' like a hog.

CHORUS:

So, don't come home still eatin',

With squealin' on your mind,

Just stay outside with the donuts,

And have a pig-out of a time.

If you want a snackin' kind of love,

Well, you don't want none of mine.

And don't come home still eatin',

With squealin' on your mind.

2)

I remember on our first date,

You liked the hat I wore that night,

But then I had to slug you,

When you began to take a bite.

You don't want a normal piggy love,

Like normal sows and hogs,

You'd rather wallow in the ice cream,

And gooey pecan logs.

AUSTIN, YOU'RE COSTIN' ME MY PIG

My pig Billy is a cute little feller,

His ears is pink and his feet is yeller,

He ain't no trouble at all to me,

Just bein' a pig and livin' free.

But they passed this law in his own home town,

They don't want no pig pens hangin' around.

But how's my Billy gonna grow to a hog,

If he's gotta live like a cat or a dog?

CHORUS:

Oh, Austin, you're costin' me my pig.

It just breaks his little heart to move inside.

The pain he's feelin' now is real and big,

And all wants to be is a happy pig.

2)

 Billy tried to live the domestic life,

He got some shoes and a fork and knife.

Even tried them obediences classes,

Then we found out he had to have glasses.

But he got real low cause it didn't seem real,

Then he lost his grunt and he lost his squeal.

His little pig soul's done taken a beatin'.

Nest thing I knew, he even gave up eatin'.

I'LL WALK THE STREETS FOR JESUS, IF YOU DON'T FILL THIS PLATE

My name is Betty Beaudeaux,

I'm workin' for the Lord.

Sometimes my road is rocky,

Sometimes the job is hard.

But still I keep on walkin'

The straight and narrow way,

Waitin' for my Jesus

To tke me home someday.

CHORUS:

But friend, you must remember,

You have a job as well.

If you let down and give it up,

You're goin' straight to hell.

So act on what you're feelin',

And please don't hesitate,

I'll walk the streets for Jesus,

If you don't fill this plate.

2)

One time I was a sinner,

And sold my love so free.

Any man with money,

Could have his way with me.

I left that way of livin',

A better way I found.

But if I must I'll do some sinnin',

To spread that Gospel round.

CHORUS And friend, you must remember,

You have a job as well.

If you let down and give it up,

You're goin' straight to hell.

So act on what you're feelin',

And please don't hesitate,

I'll walk the streets for Jesus,

If you don't fill this plate.

DRVIN' ACROSS TEXAS BLUES

She lived in El Paso

Down by the border

Near the cactus and the cottonwood trees

She said she would wait for me forever

Or at least until Hell did freeze

So I flew in from Pluto

Down thru the asteroids

And thence to the moon thirty minutes later

I was standing in Shreveport renting a Ford Escort

And I left on Sunday afternoon

I jumped on I-80 headed west for Longview

Passed through Gladewater and Tyler too

Drank wine in Paris, ate fruit cake in Corsicana

Scooted to Dallas and forgot Texarkana

Roared through Fort Worth, saw dinosaurs in Glen Rose

Ate biscuits in Brownwood and ran over an armadillo tail

Bypassed Lubbock, got lost in Abilene

Found oil in Midland, then went to the Austin scene

Felt alone in San Antone, spoke German in New Braunfels

Ambled in Corpus and listened to the bells

Spurned Houston, caught fish in Rockport

Paid homage to Victoria/ put gas in the Escort

Wandered thru the valley, ate oranges and grapefruit

Skipped over to Mexico and ran into Newt

Rode a raft on the river, watched a old cartoon

Made it to El Paso on Monday afternoon

Drove to my beloved's, no one was home

Just a note saying, baby I waited too long

46 years was all I could stand before I gave in to another man

Perplexed I wondered just what she meant

I'd been gone one month, the month of Lent

But, oh, that's right I was going faster than light

Time got compressed more for her, me, less

So she left El Paso with a man in a Lexus

And all I had was a long drive 'cross Texas

But I wasn't bitter/ my face didn't sag

Because by now she probably looked like an old hag

I'M GONNA SWING MY TIGER WOODS LIKE TIGER WOULD

I'm gonna get some Tiger drivers, and Tiger irons too.

I'll have a Tiger putter that hits 'em straight and true.

I'll get my tools together, and I know I'll play real good,

Cause I'm gonna swing my Tiger woods like Tiger would.

I'll stay out in the sun all day, covered up with oil,

And get my color rich and deep, even if I have to boil.

I'm gonna get a tone like Tiger's, even if I first turn blue,

Cause I'm gonna swing my Tiger woods like Tiger would.

REFRAIN:

I've played this crazy game for many years.

It's cost me many dollars, and blood and flesh and tears.

If the measures that I'm taking sound extreme,

You've clearly never heard a frustrated golfer scream.

WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD

All men are jerks.

All women are crazy.

All liberals are dumb.

All blacks are lazy.

This is what I know.

Heard it on the radio.

Some people disagree,

They don't know as much as me.

Bill Clinton tells lies.

Newt Gingrich is a cheat.

Bob Dole is too old.

Colin Powell is a treat.

These people are real,

Even though we've never met.

I know what I feel,

Read about 'em on the net.

I don't know you,

And I likely never will.

But if they catch you on TV,

I'll be ready for the kill.

What a wonderful world,

Where everything is known,

And I can catch it all right here,

From the comfort of my home.

 WHO WILL SAVE THE POTATO?

I walked out to my backyard last evening,

And while there I contemplated the oppression, exploitation and injustice that had been perpetrated on that land.

The blood, sweat and tears of noble Native-Americans nourished the grass which is now so beautiful and painlessly trimmed. The souls of slaves from Africa haunt the trees and stones which I see reflecting the moon's pale light.

And the bones of dinosaurs lie far underneath the soil, Noble beasts who sacrificed their lives, knowing that living under the capitalist oppression which was to come would be no life at all.

And all of this evil was perpetrated by white Europeans, Heartless animals who savaged and destroyed all that has been noble and good in the world.

And then, in the moonlight, I glanced at the flesh on my own arm. Is this white?

Yes!

No!

Maybe.

Sort of a beige, or pink, or off-white.

And then, and then, it came to me.

My skin is color challenged. Ah, but my soul is vibrant with the tones and overtones of goodness, nobility and really good causes.

So, I'm not really white.

I'm right.

Oh, not like yucky conservatives who only conserve the status quo that serves the interest of the cruel rich. No, I am right and righteous.

Wonderful.

Not righteous like Christians in coalitions who plot against the good, the noble, the liberal.

Well, while not being coerced by literary conventions that insist on order and structure, which starve my artist's soul, I'll get back to the point.

But only because I really want to. As I was flooded with feelings and sights, wandering soulfully through my yard, It came to me.

This soil has been impregnated with subterranean life! There are living beings just benaeth the noble grass! Potatoes! Poor, vulnerable creatures who are trod underfoot, unempowered, living in a world with no sun, no fresh air. No PBS. Ah, but I have consumed these creatures! Is this wrong?

Yes!

No!

Maybe.

And then, once again, it came to me. I am noble. I know all about noble. I am here to save, to support, to represent the powerless. Sometimes to whine. So, I must survive. I must grow in power to guide those who are weak. And my noble, lovely potatoes will strengthen me! They will sacrifices their life forces to feed me! Lucky potatoes! Blessed creatures! But I will save you from consumption by the undeserving. And I will have exclusive rights to the potato as a cause! You are mine! All mine!

And don't forget it, spuds.