I predict the past. I do this by analyzing what has already taken place in the future and by discerning the direction of present trends. Since time moves backward (read TIME MANAGEMENT) and since I'm one of the few people who both understand and believe this, then I'm uniquely qualified for the task at hand, which is outlining the history of East Texalina (which of course, hasn't happened yet, but likely will according to the principles of TS (Tubebacher Science), a subdivision of my highly successful Old Milwaukee franchise, which in the year 2076 is the national beer of the United States of America.

1492 - Columbus gets lost in the Caribbean. Samuel Olivier Sam (or SOS as he is known among friends) gets disgusted with Columbus' lack of navigational skills, jumps overboard and swims to the Florida coast. From there he hikes to South Carolina.

1495 - SOS meets La Belle of the Ball, who herself was on the Pinta (SOS was on the Nina) and jumped overboard for similar reasons, along the South Carolina coast. They marry and move inland 75 miles and establish residence. They call it Lower Alcolu or LA for short.

1525 - SOS's son, Alfonso Sam or AS, marries Guantanomo Bay, a Spanish lass who has escaped persecution in Cuba.

1550 - LA flourishes and AS decides better roads are needed. He builds the first intersteak freeway linking cattle farms in the upstate to the low state.

1588 - Elizabeth I begs HAS (Hubert Albert Sam), AS's grandson, to lead her fleet against the Spanish Armada. HAS agrees and after leading the British fleet to victory is rewarded with ten new indentured servants. They are Italian and their last name is Lala.

1612 - The Lalas, after paying off their indenturedness, leave LA and migrate across the southern tier of the continent. Their legacy is ensured when the settlements they start become permanent: AtLAnta, aLAbama, LAurel, Miss, Louisiana or LA abbreviated, DalLAs, LAs Vegas, and LA West (or Los Angeles).

1642 - The Lower Alcolu settlement is ransacked, pillaged, and otherwise made worse for wear by barbarians from the north. Only WAS (Washington Adams Sam)escapes. He goes about 75 miles to the northwest where he establishes a new home called North Galbutt. There he begins the lucrative Sam family business of pork bar-b-queing.

1782 - The Sams after playing an integral part in defeating the British have a falling out with the Bellys (see West Texalina History). Eventually the Bellys wind up in Dime Box, Texas. Texalina is divided into East and West Texalina. A feud develops between the Bellys and the Sams that is patched up in 1921.

1953 - Sloppy Sam is born. Expands the pork bbq business and creates a pig running scheme that dominates the pig running business in East Texalina. Also is widely known for the invention of the Wullet.

2002 - The story of Texalina is recorded in three novels and numerous short stories.

2009 - The trilogy makes the New York Times Best Seller List. Critics call it groundbreaking. Deep Belly doesn't know what the fuss is all about. "Shute, everybody knows you got to break a little ground if you want to build an outhouse."

2036 - S. M. Tubebacher is born.