Attempted Robbery In a Small Town

by A.T.T.

Late at night on a lonely country road just outside College Station, Texas, two young Texas A&M students made a fateful decision that would change one life forever.  Sent out by their fraternity's Social Director for two cases of beer, they found that between themselves, they had money for only one.  Honor, pride, and the Aggie Way silently told each of them that returning partially empty-handed was not an option. 

John Deere, a third-year freshman remedial reading major and the more cerebral of the two said, "Listen, we're young, we're drunk, we're Aggies.  We'll find a way."

Howard Barlow, an 18 year-old exchange student from Oklahoma, replied, "Of course we will.  But, when?  I'm pretty thirsty right now."

Deere said, "I've got a gun in the trunk.  Got it for high school graduation.  We could drive out to the country and rob some redneck gas station.  That's a way."

Barlow asked, "Is it hard?  I've seen it done on TV, but I've never tried it.  This won't get me a bad citizenship grade or anything will it?  Citizenship has always been my ace-in-the-hole come report card time.  Don't want to blow it now."

Deere said, "Not if we don't get caught.  Who's going to catch us?  They don't even have police out in the country, and the gas station attendants can't read.  I don't see how we can go wrong."

Barlow asked, "What's reading got to do with it?  You just barely read yourself.  How's that relevant?"

Deere said, "It's different if you're the robber.  Literacy skills aren't a part of the job description.  Helpless victims tend to be more helpless if they can't read.  That's just how it is.  I thought everybody knew that."

Barlow said, "Maybe I did hear about that.  I guess I forgot.  Well, tell me what to do.  I'd like to practice a little before I go into the game."

Deere said, "It's easy.  Just say 'this is a hold-up'.  That's shorthand everyone understands, even people who can't read.  Everyone who works in a service station is required to learn the quick translation.  State law."

Barlow said, "Alright.  I'm not used to going in before I've had some practice snaps, but I'll just start putting on my game face now, if that's what the playbook says."

Deere pulled his 1997 Escort into the dirt parking lot of a Belly Brothers Biscuits, Bait, Beer and BBQ store.  After parking, he got a .38 pistol out of his trunk and shoved it between his belt and jeans.  It occurred to him that it would probably be better to have bullets in the gun, but he remembered at that moment that he had lost them in a poker game as a first-year freshman.  Fortunately, he remembered hearing somewhere that live ammunition was not required for effective rural robberies, only in population centers of 50,000 or more. 

Deere and Barlow entered the front door of the store.  They saw one person inside - a large middle-aged man in overalls was eating at a table.  Seeing no one else, Deere concluded that he must be the attendant.  Barlow came to the sudden realization that this was not in fact a service station, since there were no gas pumps outside, and wondered if the game plan still applied.  He had never been good at calling audibles, so he decided to go with the original plan.

The man at the table was Donnie Bob Belly, the founder of the Belly Brothers Biscuits, Bait, Beer and BBQ chain.  Mr. Belly was actually substantially more than large - 6 ft., 4 in. tall, weighing 385 lbs.  He was obsessively foodcentric.  While marginally literate, Mr. Belly was quite wealthy, but irritated by the logistics requirements of handling money.  Distrustful of banks, he stored all business receipts in asbestos-lined Mickey Mouse lunchboxes he had custom made in Mexico.  At the time Deere and Barlow entered the store, Mr. Belly had been waiting several minutes for his brother, Bobby Don Belly, to arrive and pick up the day's receipts.  Bobby Don would need the cash for a hog purchase the next day.  Mr. Belly had begun to find the wait highly tedious.

Sensing that it was time to call the play, Barlow said in a loud voice, "This is a hold-up!"

Mr. Belly said in a louder voice, "You ain't tellin' me nothin'!  Shoot, I been held up all dadgum night on account a that dadgum Bobby Don.  Almost out a Moon Pie!  What on earth am I gonna do?"

Recognizing that Barlow's play call had somehow been ineffective, Deere said, "I've got a gun!"

Mr. Belly briefly looked up from his plate at the gun.  Then he said, "Just hold onto it, dadgum it.  I done told you all that I ain't buyin' them little 'uns.  Got ta be least a dadgum .45!  I'm gettin' tard a tellin' you all that I ain't got no use for them little bitty ol' gun."

Deciding it was time for an audible, Barlow said, "We want the money!"

Dropping his fork and rising quickly, Mr. Belly said, "Oh, shoot, Bobby Don send you all over?  Goody!  Shoot, I didn't even know!  You gotta speak up, dadgum it!"  Mr. Belly walked behind the store counter with surprising speed and agility.  He pulled the Mickey Mouse lunchbox off a lower shelf, saying, "Here it is.  Take this dadgum thang and I can finally git home."

Deere and Barlow were both stumped.  This simply wasn't something they should have to deal with.  Acting on a flash of inspiration, or something, Deere said, "Open the cash register!"

Mr. Belly said, "You funnin' me?  I ain't puttin' nothin' in that dadgum thang!  I'm goin' home, dadgum it!  Just take you a little snack; ain't no need for payin'.  Shoot, I done packed me enough dadgum dollar today.  I'm tard of it!"

Mr. Belly suddenly heard a sound that caused him to freeze in place.  He knew that sound, and recognized that it was sure trouble.  Correct in his analysis, but too late, he turned to see that Barlow had opened the very last Moon Pie in the store, taking it right off of Mr. Belly's plate.  Barlow had taken one bite when Mr. Belly grabbed a baseball autographed by Nolan Ryan off of the counter and threw it directly at Barlow's head.  Barlow dropped to the floor, unconscious.  Mr. Belly hurried over, saying, "You sumbitch!  That's my last dadgum one!"

Deere was beginning to panic.  He concluded that it was time to go, and that it would be better Aggie form to take Barlow with him than to leave him unconscious in a redneck gas station.  He said, "Get away from him!"

Mr. Belly did as he was told.  At least, that's what Deere at first thought.  Soon, he realized that Mr. Belly was coming toward him.  Holding the gun as steadily as he could, he said, "Stop!  Look here, I've got a gun!"

Apparently oblivious to the gun, Mr. Belly said, "I told you I don't want that little ol' dadgum gun!  You listen here, you go get me some dadgum Moon Pie!  Right now!  You know what I'm gonna do if you don't?  I'm gonna skin both a you dadgum rascals and chop you all up for the chili tomorrow is what I'm gonna do.  You go git 'em!  That other sumbitch ain't goin' nowhere till I git me my Moon Pie!"

Deere had become quite disoriented.  Suddenly, he found himself asking, "Uh...where would I find them this time of night?"

Mr. Belly said, "Oh, the one I like the best is over to College Station is where they at.  Shoot, that'd take too dadgum long, though.  I ain't had my dadgum dessert!  That sumbitch is tryin' to kill me is what he's doin'!  Dadgum, just go over to the Shamrock station over to the state road.  You hurry!"

Deere ran out the door.  He had no idea where the state road might be, but he had the distinct impression that further questioning would not be productive.

Mr. Belly shouted at the immobile body of Barlow, "You git up!  Dadgum, I'm gonna git the dadgum meat grinder goin' in a minute if I ain't got my Moon Pie!"  Barlow still didn't move.

Mr. Belly decided to call Willard Bob Blevins at the Dime Box police station to report the stolen Moon Pie maybe, but mainly to see if Willard would bring a spare Moon Pie over so he could finish his meal properly, without the egregious omission.  Before calling, he grabbed a roll of duct tape and bound Barlow to the bottom of a restaurant table.

Just as Mr. Belly was beginning to call Willard Bob, Bobby Don walked in the door.  Setting the phone down, Mr. Belly said, "Where the hell you been?  You late!  This dadgum feller you sent over done ate my last dadgum Moon Pie!  What kinda rascals you hirin' anyways?"

Bobby Don looked at Barlow's head sticking out from beneath the table and said, "Shoot, Donnie Bob, I don't thank that 'un's mine.  Ain't real sure, though. Looks all funny down there!  I don't 'member sendin' nobody over, but shoot, I mighta forgot is what I might a done.  But, shoot, if he taken a Moon Pie, just shoot the sumbitch.  Cain't thank a nothin' sorrier than that is what I cain't thank a.  Shoot!  I was lookin' forward to a dadgum Moon Pie my own self!  Sorry sumbitch!"

Just then, Deere walked through the door with two boxes of Moon Pies.  Deere dropped them and ran when he saw two giants running toward him.  Bobby Don grabbed the box of regular Moon Pies and ran away from Mr. Belly, who was stuck with a box of single-deckers.  With two of them in his mouth, he yelled at the door to Deere, "Come here, dadgum it!" 

Not understanding why, Deere walked toward the door.  Mr. Belly asked, "Why you git these single-deckers?  They just have the one box a reglars?"

Sensing that the correct answer was "yes," Deere said, "That's right - just the one."

Mr. Belly then said, "Well, shoot, we gonna have ta git them off a Bobby Don then.  You go over to the right and chase him to me, see?"

Deere was completely confused, but judged that he should follow directions.  He ran toward Bobby Don, who began throwing empty beer bottles at him, saying, "Dadgum Moon Pie thief!  Ought to shoot such as you!"

While distracted by his bottle throwing exercise, Bobby Don felt Mr. Belly grab the box of regular Moon Pies and run away.  Mr. Belly then said to Deere, "Come here and git some!  You done good!"

When the Moon Pies had all been eaten, Bobby Don asked Mr. Belly, "What you gonna do with that feller under the dadgum table?"

Mr. Belly said to Deere, "Go wake him up, dadgum it!"

Deere attempted to rouse Barlow, who began to murmur.  Deere said, "Hey, I think he's waking up."

Mr. Belly walked over.  He pulled out a large hunting knife and quickly cut the duct tape, dropping Barlow to the floor.  Mr. Belly then said, "You stand up!  Stand right up, you dadgum Moon Pie stealer!"

Barlow attempted to stand, but fell.  Deere pulled him up.  Mr. Belly then said, "You listen here, stealin' a feller's last bit a dessert's 'bout as sorry as anythang I never did see.  What made you do such as that?"

Barlow groggily said, "I think I forgot the play.  That always happens with me and audibles.  Sorry, coach."

Mr. Belly said to Deere, "Son you oughtn't ta have to drive nowhere with such as would steal the last dadgum Moon Pie.  You gonna take that feller along anyways?"

Deere said, "Yes sir, I guess I better."

Mr. Belly said, "Well, you take this here Mickey box and tote it over to Bobbie Darlene.  She's goin' to the pig sale tomorrow, not Bobby Don, turns out.  They always changin' they dadgum minds.  I hope you don't thank you're gettin' out a deliverin' that dadgum thang on top a robbin' my Moon Pie, I can tell you that.  You finish yore dadgum job, son!  And don't go stealin' no more Moon Pie!"

While Bobby Don made a sandwich in the back, Deere and Barlow walked out of the B6 with a Mickey Mouse lunchbox containing over $10,000.  Deere threw it into his car trunk and never opened it. 

Mr. Belly never missed the money, and Bobbie Darlene didn't need it for the hog purchase, since she discovered two Mickey boxes filled with cash underneath the empty Shiner bottles in the bed of her pick-up.    

Over a year later, Deere's 12 year-old brother Jim discovered the Mickey box in the trunk of the Escort, and took it out.  He found the money inside and deposited it into a barber college savings account.  He later used the money for extensive tutoring, which enabled him to attend the University Of Texas at Austin, breaking a tragic family habit of producing Texas A&M drop-outs.  Dropping out of UT after six years, Jim Deere would become sales director for the southwest region of Chattanooga Bakery, the manufacturer of Moon Pies.