Location: Austin, Texas at the studios of WLIB-TV.

Program: a round table of distinguished panelists engaging in a wide-ranging discussion on the Back Out Movement.

Host: Bill Moyers, sometimes fair but never balanced.

Moyers: Welcome, ladies and gentleman. We're here tonight to get to the bottom of BOM. What it's all about, Alfie? You know what I mean even if I don't mean it. First, let's go around the table and have the panel members introduce themselves.

1. Billy Bob Ledbetter: Good day to you, Bill. I am Billy Bob Ledbetter, a minister in Dime Box and a messenger to the world.

2. Beulah Faye Ledbetter: Hidy. I'm Beulah Faye Ledbetter. I'm mayor of Dime Box.

3. Bobby Juan Belly: Bobby Juan Belly here. I'm Chief a Police in Wise County, Texas.

4. Mary Wanda Bodine: I am Mary Wanda Bodine. I've lived in Dime Box all my life, where I acquired a wonderful education and impeccible manners. So, Mr. Moyers, I won't call you a third-rate journalist on this show, even though everybody who's not raving mad knows that. Good evening.

5. Tomjam Eyskin: Eyskin here. Tomjam. I'm here. For now.

6: Homast Eyskin: Eyskin here. Homast. I'm waiting.

7. Donnie Bob Belly: No response (Mr. Belly's chair is vacant).

Moyers: Excuse me, Mr. Belly, come back to your chair please. I'd like to talk with you.

DB: I'll tail you what we gonna talk 'bout. My Moon Pies gone! Four box in a feed sack. Real nice 'un, blue, flowery, what not. They all gone! You better git my Moon Pie back right quick! Thievin' sumbitches!

Moyers: Mr. Producer, what do you know about this?

Wilfred Wiggins (producer): Um, well, I thought the sack would clash - the bright color, you know - so I removed it. Here it is.

DB: They ain't no Moon Pie in there!

Wiggins: Um, well, yes, about that. They're good. Really good! Never had one before. I couldn't stop. Sorry.

DB: Good night! You eat ever dadgum one a my dadgum Moon Pie? That there sorry! Shoot, I cain't hardly believe it. You all little bitty! Cain't even whup you - you too dadgum little. I never knowed they wad a bunch a Moon Pie theivin' sumbitches here, or I'd never come ta no dadgum tellinvision outfit. This here sorry! You sumbitchin' 'Publicans, what not? You that bunch what done in Mr. FDR? Shoot, I ort ta whup you all, even if you all had been all little bitty, what not.

Moyers: Mr. Belly, I assure you that there are no Republicans on this staff. Now, what can we do to repay you?

DB: Git me some dadgum Moon Pie! Real quick! A big ol' mess of 'em! Good night, I 'bout ta storve. Cain't you see what you done? Dadgum disgrace.

Moyers: OK. Listen, let's stop taping now. Wiggins, go get some Moon Pies. A lot of them. Hurry!

TAKE TWO

Moyers: OK, moon pies and Shiner are on the table for everyone except the Eyskins who prefer Morgan David wine. Now let's get back to our discussion on the Back Out Movement. I can speak for many Americans, especially the liberal ones, that the inhouse is a symbol of capitalist oppression. How do each of you feel about it?

1. Billy Bob Ledbetter: Bill, I want you to know that the Lord love you. The Lord loves socialists, communists, liberals, all kinds of people. You know something else, Bill, everyone who's loved by the Lord is expected to love others. You show your love by doing what you can. Why, you could help more people than you can imagine by writing a check right now to the For the Children Fund. Right this, minute, Bill. It will do you good. Here, I have a pen. You can have it, Bill, to remember this special moment in your life.

Moyers: Oh, alright. How much...? Never mind. Here - there's your check. Now, Mayor Ledbetter.

2. Beulah Faye Ledbetter: I don't care if people go in or out. Just keep it clean, either way.

3. Bobby Juan Belly: You know what, I been in inhouses. I'll admit it. They real little, most of 'em. I'll tell you what's bein' pressed, Mr. Bill - it's backsides a fellers with big bellies, that's what. Flat turrble, what it is.

4. Mary Wanda Bodine: Does anyone think there were indoor toilets in the garden of Eden? Of course not. There you have your answer. See, even Mr. Moyers got one right. Amazing that anyone who worked for that Lyndon Johnson could be right about anything, but..."

5. DB: Shoot, you worked for Mr. LBJ? Dadgum! I liked Mr. LBJ! You know what, though, it wad jist a cryin' shame he had ta go bein' president, what not. You jist know he'd ruther a stayed right here and beened governor. You know why he done it? I'll tail you why he done it. 'Cause that there what Mr. FDR tole him ta do, that there's why. Mr. FDR had told Mr. LBJ what them 'Publican wad jist liable ta do, and that he had better had stayed in that sorry Washertin so's the fuders wud had one a their own there. That there's why. Shore sorry, what that wad. 'Bout sorry's anythang hadn't never had beed, what that there wad. Shoot! The dadgum Moon Pie all gone! Dadgum it, I tole you ta git a big ol' mess a Moon Pie! Not jist a little bitty ol' bunch! You gittin' all sorry on me, Mr. Bill! You better git a holt a yoreself! You know what Mr. LBJ'd do on such as that. I'll do it for him right now if you don't git a mess a Moon Pie right here. Right now!

Moyers: Gosh. That's quite a though, Mr. Belly. OK, let's take another break. More Moon Pies, Wiggins. Get all they have in Austin! Don't come back without all of them! Now!

5. Tomjam Eyskin: I'll have a box myself. They look good.

6: Homast Eyskin: I'll have two.

7. Tomjam Eyskin: I'll have three, then.

8. DB: I'm all storvin'! Git me some dadgum Moon Pie! I cain't stan it!

TAKE THREE

Moyers: Well, this discussion has been quite lively. I want to now to turn to a more delicate issue. Republicans have been known to read while sitting on the commode. As a result, hemorrhoid attacks are at an all time high in the GOP. Where does the panel stand, or rather sit on this issue?

1. Billy Bob Ledbetter: They can all be healed. Bill, have you ever had a prayer cloth? You own, sanctified prayer cloth? If you haven't, you know, you've been playing with fire. No health insurance is going to do you the good that a sanctified prayer cloth will. You know what I have in this little box that looks like a Milk Duds pack? A sanctified prayer cloth! I'm not kiddin'! It's got your name on it, Bill! Real close anyway - Willard! You can have it, Bill! Right now! Love offerin' a five hunnerd dollars gets it right now! Moyers: Thank you, Reverand. Now, Mayor Ledbetter?

2. Beulah Faye Ledbetter: In Dime Box, you don't find a lot of avid readers. Not much in the way of hemorrhoids either. That's not a real good quesion there, Bill.

3. Bobby Juan Belly: You know what, I had wondered 'bout that mess. Readin', what not. You never know what kind a mess you gonna fine yoreself in onct you go to readin' a whole mess, 'specially them big ol' book what ain't got no pitchers and real itty bitty word. Better watch that mess, what you better had do.

4. Mary Wanda Bodine: Good posture. Keep your posture proper and your mind pure, and virtually all ailments will be sent directly to Hell before they have a chance to inconvenience you.

5. Tomjam Eyskin: Mind over matters of politics.

6: Homast Eyskin: That would require a mind.

7. Donnie Bob Belly: I had me a pig got that himaroyt mess. Didn't do no readin' what I had seeed. Mighta been doin' sneaky readin' though, I don't know. I tell you what, if I'd a knowed that pig wad 'Publican, I'd a shot the sumbitch. Sneaky dadgum readin' pig! That there sorry! You reckon that ain't sorry? Had too a been sorry! Don't tell me that ain't sorry! Good night, what them 'Publican gonna do next? Learnin' the pig ta read and git they backsides all messed up. Turrble what it is. Pure dee, flat out turrble.

TAKE FOUR

Moyers took a swig of Shiner. Not bad really. Not chalet or burgundy but not that bad. Ok, I had to ask the tough question. Now how about a softball. OK, distinguished panelists, where does the Rolling Outhouse fit into the greater BOM mission?

1. Billy Bob Ledbetter: The Lord works in mysterious ways. I don't know if that would explain the Rolling Outhouse, but it might. Keep that sanctified prayer cloth with you, just in case.

2. Beulah Faye Ledbetter: It fits into the Donnie Bob mission. That's all I know.

3. Bobby Juan Belly: I don't know what I'd do without it. Shoot, they ain't no better way to go travelin'. I cain't hardly wonder what folks does when they ain't got no proper place to go when they out drivin'. Undecent what it had is.

4. Mary Wanda Bodine: I can tolerate the Rolling Outhouse from a distance. Please don't ask me to step within a mile of it, however. Wouldn't be proper.

5. Tomjam Eyskin: It's a new here.

6: Homast Eyskin: It's a new there.

7. Donnie Bob Belly: You say somethin', Mr. Bill?

Moyers: Yes, where does the Rolling Outhouse fit into the greater BOM mission?

DB: BOM had gone missin'? Good night, I hadn't of knowed that. The whole bunch? Wail, they never taken the Rollin' Outhouse, I can tail you that. Got her parked outside. It ain't gone had it? Dadgum, them BOMers had better not a taken the dadgum Rollin' Outhouse! Sorry lot! Look out the winder! See it? Good. Shoot, Mr. Bill, I don't know wher them BOMers had of goed. Wher you reckon they had of goed? Reckon they'll come back the sooner or the later. Might be the lost and found fellers'll find 'em. They finded me ta tail me I had been the dadgum kang a Angland. Shore wouldn't a knowed it if they hadn't. Dadgum it, I'm gettin' a little hungry. Let's go git some supper! It'll be fun!

TAKE FIVE

Moyers: It's a depressing time we live in. The GOP runs the country. We stuck in a quagmire in Iraq and there's a jobless recovery going on. Meanwhile the rich are getting tax cuts. How does BOM fit into the larger picture? In other words, how does BOM make itself relevant in the current state of affairs?

1. Billy Bob Ledbetter: Bill, he who is faithful in a little will be faithful with much. Now, does that mean that BOM will go on to rule the world of man? Only the Lord knows, and he hasn't told me yet. If I get a message and you're on my mailing list, Bill, did you know that you'll be one of the first people on earth to also get that message? It's true! Hard to believe, but true. You are on the mailing list, aren't you Bill? No? Let's get you signed up right now. Just hand me the checkbook, Bill. I'll take care of everything while you continue.

2. Beulah Faye Ledbetter: Relevant? That wouldn't be BOM, would it? Seems like they like to be different.

3. Bobby Juan Belly: I'll tail you what aggervates me 'bout that BOM bunch. They fud is sorry. Went ta a meetin', an all they had ta fud wad them little bitty samiches and dadgum tea. Tea! Anybody fuds like that, they gonna be all sorry.

4. Mary Wanda Bodine: I sympathize with the goals of BOM, but I've accepted their poor manners.

5. Tomjam Eyskin: BOM understands yesterday.

6: Homast Eyskin: BOM understands the wrong yesterday.

7. Donnie Bob Belly: I don't know why we ain't goed to supper yet. Good night, they folk fudin' all 'round us, an here we are jist a talkin' whiles we ort ta be a fudin' and talkin', see? I'm a little hungry...

Moyers: We'll break for dinner shortly, Donnie Bob. Please respond to the question for now: Since we're stuck in a quagmire in Iraq and there's a jobless recovery going on, the rich getting tax cuts while the poor starve, how does BOM fit into the larger picture?

DB: They ain't nobody ort ta storve! Not no never! Good night, Mr. Bill, don't you know that? Anybody see storvin' goin' on, you better stop it! That there's what'll do you in. Do all of us in! Looky here, though, Mr. Bill, you a storvin' the whole lot of us! 'Sposed ta be fudin' now - right now! But what're we a doin'? Talkin' 'bout storvin'! Ain't right! Shoot, Mr. Bill, yore a dadgum storver! Reckon I'll have ta whup you jist ta be doin' my part. We all got ta git after them storvers. That there's what'll mess us all up, you jist mark my word. Mark it twict! Four, six time!

Moyers: Here's an idea. Why don't we break for dinner?

TAKE SIX

After at what Moyers thought was a rather too expansive meal, the panelists returned to their seats. He had noticed that the Eyskin brothers didn't seem to care for each other. In fact, nobody cared for the Eyskins. They didn't even seem to like themselves. Moyers thought that would be a good way to steer the discussion so he made the following comment: "What about those Eyskins!"

1. Billy Bob Ledbetter: You know what, Bill, the Lord loves everyone. Now, some think He has special love for those who support His work. That could be, Bill, and if it is, you've sure gotten yourself a big ol' bunch of love tonight. You've done good! Not that there's not room for improvement. But the Eyeskin boys? They're not bad boys, are you? No need to answer; that was what we call a rhetorical question - a Billy Bob question. Billy Bob like to ask questions that don't need to be answered except by Billy Bob. Billy Bob likes asking and answering the same question. Saves time, and the talkin's better. You fellers might want to think about writin' some checks like Bill has. Follow a real good example when you happen to see one. There's not nearly enough good examples in this world, and when you see one, you need to latch onto it - follow it good and proper. See? It all works out. The Lord loves, Billy Bob talks and you write checks. It's real simple when you keep it straight.

2. Beulah Faye Ledbetter: They don't bother me.

3. Bobby Juan Belly: I tail you what, ol' Homast can shore do some fudin'. Wouldn't know it ta look at him, but he can fud with dadgum near anybody. Oh, maybe not Donnie Bob, but good night, who can? Now, ol' Tomjam there'll drive purty fast. Real fast. Cain't hardly see him when he passes by when I'm in the cruiser. Aggervatin' when the dadgum radar machine's readin' a big ol' nummer an I don't even know what dadgum car had made that nummer. Time for a Moon Pie is what that is. I like Moon Pies. You know what, I'm a little hungry. Don't thank I got my proper desserts. Anybody don't wont they Moon Pies what they got left?

4. Mary Wanda Bodine: I think they're fine fellows. Not as fine if they'd be after some time in the Baptist Church, but pleasant enough nonetheless.

5. Tomjam Eyskin: Misunderstood.

6: Homast Eyskin: Misunderstood and understood, with inadequate understanding of the difference.

7. Donnie Bob Belly: Bobby Juan, you had taken my last dadgum Moon Pie! I cain't hardly believe what you would had done such as that! Good night, here I am with the belly thankin' it's gonna git one more Moon Pie an they ain't none! Belly gonna git all aggervated, and I cain't help it.

Moyers: Here, Donnie Bob - you can have my box.

DB: Dadgum! Thank ye, Mr. Bill! You jist don't know what that gonna mean for belly. Ain't gonna have ta git all aggervated now. A aggervated belly's bout the worstest thang they had been far's what I had knowed, oh, 'cepts for...

Moyers: The Eyeskins?

DB: Oh, shoot, I know them boys! See 'em ever little bit. Purty good fuders. Ort ta fud right smart more, but purty good. See, they had eat they Moon Pie real good - wadn't no crumb losted on the floor, what not. See them wrapper - ain't no crumb, chocolate rubbed off on any a them. That there real good fudin' what that is. I like that. You know what, if they wad more fudin' like that, it's jist be better all the way 'round. You know why? I'll tail you why is what I'll do. Cause why, shoot, fud that ain't fuded right don't feel good - gits aggervated. You watch the pig when a pig been smoked up all sorry an don't nobody wont ta fud it. Them pig gits all aggervated - wonderin' what in the world they doin' gittin' all fuded up when they gonna be smoked all sorry and nobody gonna wont ta fud 'em. Them what fuds right is what makes the world right, Mr. Bill. Them what fud sorry is jist trouble. See?

TAKE SEVEN

Bill silently congratulated himself. This panel discussion was going real well. He was showing those network SOBs a thing or two. Being on PBS all those years hadn't diluted his interviewing skills one bit. He was sharp and incisive as ever.

The next topic would be tough though, as it dealt with a topic he wasn't too sure he had a full grasp of: TU, or Time Unfolding. But what the heck. His superior mind would get him through. It always had before.

"Now, panelists, the Back Out Movement by advocating outhouse usage, is in a sense, a celebration of the past. But yet, there are some out there who feel that the past has not happened yet. These are the followers of S.M. Tubebacher, the scientist who first (or is that last) came up with the concept of Time Unfolding, or time moving backward. How do you each of you panelists feel about TU?"

1. Billy Bob Ledbetter: You know, Bill, whatever time it is, it's always time to praise the Lord. Don't you agree? I knew you would. I have the checkbook, how about if I write out a big ol' praise? Great!

2. Beulah Faye Ledbetter: Goodness, it's all I can do to keep track of Daylight Savings Time. I just don't know.

3. Bobby Juan Belly: I had wondered 'bout that mess, Mr. Bill. They had been time I had reckoned ta myself that I had done seen somethin' before. Then I had reckoned ta nuther peoples and some a them had said, shoot, you know what, I had seen that mess my own self a fore. Some a them nothers would had said, good night, that there ain't had never happened a fore, you must be on the whiskey. You know what, though, wadn't on the whiskey no more thin nothin'. Oh, some a them time a might a been on the whiskey, but I shore nuff had of seen that mess. 'Member? Shoot, Mr. Bill, I had 'membered had seen you a fore. 'Member? Shoot, you must 'member! Over on the state road, stopped ta take a little pee. Ain't nothin' wrong with that. 'Course, if you had a Rollin' Outhouse, wouldn't need ta stop on the state road ta pee. Not that you wouldn't wont ta stop on the state road to pee anyways sometimes. But shoot, you got a Rollin' House, you can pee on the state road or in the hole, whatever you had wonted ta do. See? You wad shore a washin' off that dadgum tar though, Mr. Bill. You shore wad.

4. Mary Wanda Bodine: Goodness! Bill Moyers standin' on the side of the road urinatin'? I swear!

5. Tomjam Eyskin: Time never rests.

6: Homast Eyskin: Time rests when it wants to. You just don't know when.

7. Donnie Bob Belly: All you got ta do is ast Mickey. Mickey won't tail you wrong. Oh, sometimes he'll fun with you. Sometimes he'll go ta be all aggervatin' too. Got ta smack ol' Mickey when he gits ta doin' such as that. You know what? Mickey gits aggervated from havin' ta live in that little ol' flat house, what it is. Wail, shoot, ain't my fault! Wadn't me put Mickey in that little ol' flat place. Don't go takin' it out on me! Mickey got ta 'member his times what he got ta do. Little smackin' ever onct ta the while'll keep him from gittin' all aggervatin'. See?

TAKE EIGHT

Bill's producer was waving frantically at him with one hand and using the side of the other hand to make a waving motion across his neck. Bill looked into the camera and said, "We need to take a break and we would like to invite you viewers to listen to the local PBS people here as they try to raise money for the station." Moyers then ran over to where the producer stood. "What's up? I was on a roll." The producer replied, "Darn right you are. The calls are pouring in. Great opportunity to hit these suckers up for some money. And by the way, ask Rev. Ledbetter if he would say a few words."

Ten minutes later, the show was back on. Bill said to the panel, "Now let's talk a little bit about the "Father of the Modern Outhouse", Archie Abercrombie. I'm sure the audience would love to hear what our panel has to say about ole Archie."

1. Billy Bob Ledbetter: Archibald Abercrombie was a patriot and American hero, though sometimes misunderstood. You know what, though, we're all misunderstood sometimes, except by the Lord. The Lord understands everything. Ain't that somethin'? I'll tell you what else is somethin'. You can help folks all 'round the world get hooked up with that understandin' that comes only from the Lord. Reckon you'd need to send 'em all cell phones? Computers? No - all you to do is help out ol' Billy Bob. He'll tell 'em how to make their connections, collect. Bill, I can see that you're gettin' convicted again. Here you are a man of the cloth, and now you got that sanctified prayer cloth in your pocket, makin' you more convicted. I can see it, clear as day. Let's write! Shoot, let's all write some checks! Git folks connected to the Lord's switchboard! Let's all do it now!

2. Beulah Faye Ledbetter: What the hell was the question?

Moyers: About Archie Abercrombie.

Beulah: Oh. I've heard the name, but I don't know anything about the man.

3. Bobby Juan Belly: Wail, alls I know is when Archie wad in the funny paper ever Sunday, he wadn't doin' what Mr. Dick Tracy wonted him ta do. You could jist tail. Mr. Tracy'd be tellin' everbody ta git they special watch-what's-a-tellin'-phone-outfit all ready ta go after them commanists, an there'd be that Archie not wearin' no dadgum watch a no kind. Archie never chased down a sangle commanist, what he hadn't a of did. Not a dadgum one. Ain't no way ta be in the funny paper, what it ain't.

4. Mary Wanda Bodine: I've read Mr. Abercrombie's writings, many of them. I'm quite fond of the ones that conform to my personal views. The other ones are most unpleasant.

5. Tomjam Eyskin: Archie was out of this world.

6: Homast Eyskin: Archie was out of his mind. But not all the time.

7. Donnie Bob Belly: Dadgum, Bobby Juan, I hadn't a never a thought 'bout how sorry that Archie wad. What you reckon got inta him? Treatin' Mr. Dick Tracy like that? Good night, alls he had a wonted wad fore them funny paper fellers ta go after them commanist, what not. Mr. Dick Tracy worked for Mr. FDR, you know. Talked at him on that real nice Mickey watch what was a tellerphone a some dadgum kind. You reckon that Archie wad in with them 'Publican what done in Mr. FDR? Sorry sumbitch! I don't know what had git inta such as that. Needs a good whuppin', what he had need. Dadgum it.

TAKE NINE

Bill was feeling the juice now and decided to do something dramatic. He reached under the desk and pulled out a tattered book with a green cover entitled, 'Inside Out, the Story of BOM'. "This is the famous underground book written a by a certain ATT. On page 24, he says and I quote...

'But then, some BOMers think breathing the same air as inhousers is communist. Thus, the PTI (Put Them In) movement, which seeks to put all inhousers in enclosed bubbles, with BOMers in charge of everything else and finally breathing free air. Some think the original isolated dome ideas were planted by BOMers. If so, that's one BOM plan that has gotten somewhere.'"

Bill looked intently at the panelists, "Are any of you here members of this PTI movement and if you are, do you have the guts to admit it?"

1. Billy Bob Ledbetter: Yes, Bill, it's true. I've been a proud member of the Put Them in Heaven team for years now. Where would you rather have 'em put? Goodness, yes, I want to put 'em in paradise! Don't you? Of course you do! Now, ol' Billy Bob can't do it all by himself. No, we're all in the puttin' bidness. You all write the checks, and ol' Billy Bob'll sprang the puttin' trap. Ain't that somethin'? Goodness yes! Let's go ta puttin'!

2. Beulah Faye Ledbetter: If it ain't in Reader's Digest, I don't know about it.

3. Bobby Juan Belly: Shoot, I'll join. See, git them what ain't fuders in their place, an then the fuders can do they fudin' in all them nuther place. Shore make sense, don't it?

4. Mary Wanda Bodine: I'm not opposed to exclusionary arrangements as long as the right people are being excluded. I'd have to hear more of the details.

5. Tomjam Eyskin: I'll write a check, Rev. Bob. I don't want one of the boxes of Milk Duds, though. Lactose intolerant.

6: Homast Eyskin: I'll write a check too, Rev. Bob. Do you have anything in Sugar Babies?

7. Donnie Bob Belly: What you gettin' for yore Moon Pie box, Billy Bob?

TAKE TEN

Bill was growing weary. He wasn't as young as he used to be though at one point in his life he had believed he could stay 'Forever Young'. Now even Bob was getting old.

He decided to quote from the ATT's book again and see what kind of reaction he could get.

"This is a scenario that would try even a feelosopher. Let's say you're walking into a men's restroom while another man is walking out. The restroom stinks. You immediately think that the man you saw walking out was the one who contaminated the place. But what if he's not? What if it's the man who was before him? Then when you are leaving another man is walking in. What is he thinking? He's thinking, of course, that you are the source of the contamination. Can a situation be any more unfair and unsolvable than this one? Do you have thoughts on this subject? I certainly do! I hate it when that happens! I don't know if I hate the stink more, or being thought of as a stinker. Here's a place where feelosophy breaks down. Anyone who stinks up a rest room, even a feelosopher, is no ally, at least not at the time. On second thought, I guess this is one place where feelosophers can do isolation. Better to have one stinker to worry about (yourself) than a bunch of them. The feelosopher's screed says there was no feelosophy unitl there were support groups. Feelosophers hardly ever commit suicide, since we stay too busy feeling and talking, maybe even talking about suicide. Sometimes we may lead others to suicide, though."

1. Billy Bob Ledbetter: We've all had those unfortunate experiences with rest rooms, even outhouses. You know what, though, there ain't no stink in Heaven! Not one little bit! Stinks like hell in Hell, though. Let's put 'em in Heaven! Don't send 'em to the biggest stink trap in the whole universe. Wouldn't that be the cruelest thing ever? Goodness yes, it would be! Write them puttin' checks! Keep on writin', keep on puttin'!

2. Beulah Faye Ledbetter: If you ask me, it's folks who cut wind that are the biggest problem. I hear about it all the time. Folks want to put 'em in jail. Can't do it. No premeditation.

3. Bobby Juan Belly: Wail, Beulah, don't you reckon them big ol' farts oughta be agin' the law? Goodness, they can make yore eyes ta water and git all sore. Dangerous is what they are. I don't like 'em.

4. Mary Wanda Bodine: Bill Moyers, I didn't come her to talk about fartin'. We all fart. Hoo-ray. Now, let's get this out of the gutter.

5. Tomjam Eyskin: I don't remember the last time I farted. I didn't take notes.

6: Homast Eyskin: I have farting notes if anyone would like to study them.

7. Donnie Bob Belly: Good night, Bobby Juan, you gonna git me put inta jail. Shoot, you go an outlaw fartin', you'll be in there too! Don't go tellin' me you ain't done farted some big ol' farts! I know better'n such as that!

TAKE ELEVEN

Bill was sweating bullets. It had been a long evening. He didn't remember ever working this hard, unless you count the time he spent in the men's room taking notes while LBJ was in the stall. LBJ would spend an hour on the commode (Bill wondered why LBJ never got piles) talking mostly about the good ole days in Johnson City, Texas where men were Texans and outhouses were legal. Speaking of outhouses, he thought he'd throw this latest bone out to see how the panelists barked:

"In Bexley, Ohio, Ordinance number 223, of 09/09/19 prohibits the installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses."

Would our distinguished panel care to comment?

1. Billy Bob Ledbetter: People are gonna gamble, Bill. Here's something you can't gamble on, though, friends and neighbors - don't you gamble on your loved ones gettin' connected to the Lord. You gonna throw the dice on that? Of course you ain't. You're gonna put your money on the sure thing. Write that check, neighbor. Put it on ol' Billy Bob. Ain't no craps in this game. Can't go takin' chances like that. Write that sure-thing check right now.

2. Beulah Faye Ledbetter: I don't care what folks do in the outhouse as long as I don't have to hear about it.

3. Bobby Juan Belly: That's Yankees for you, Mr. Bill. Good night, puttin' the slop machine in the outhouse. Put the dadgum slop machine by the pig pen! Slop ain't gonna do you no good in the dadgum outhouse! It's a wonder them Yankee don't jist storve away.

4. Mary Wanda Bodine: I disapprove. It's improper for one's health to be distracted in such a way while relieving oneself.

5. Tomjam Eyskin: Life is short. Go for it.

6: Homast Eyskin: Life is short. Stay out of Ohio.

7. Donnie Bob Belly: Where you git them slop machine? Good night, why hadn't you a told me 'bout them, Bobby Juan? Good night, you know I mix up slop ever dadgum mornin'. Shoot, I don't spent year an year mixin' up slop, takin' away from my proper fudin'. I could a storved, and they's a dadgum machine ta do such as that. Talk up, dadgum it!

TAKE TWELVE

Bill was about to launch into another one of his irrelevant ramblings about the goodness of poor people and the greed and the viciousness of rich people, when all of a sudden all heck broke loose. About forty fully armed SWAT team members came busting into the studio and headed straight for Homast Eyskin. They immediately cuffed him and hauled him away. A lady, wearing a captain's police's uniform, walked over to Bill.

"OK, Moyers, you can get on with your pukey, dumb lib show."

Bill was aghast, "What's going on?"

"We just arrested the notorious Mosath Eyskin."

"But that was Homast Eyskin, former CEO of BOM."

"Good God, man, don't you keep on your reading of Belly Lit? Surely you've got time to do it. Homast was killed at San New-Manse' in the final chapter of Souee Generis. Mosath has been impersonating him here in Austin for the last seven months."

Bill was fighting to keep control, "What's he done now?"

"He's been hatching a nefarious scheme to buy up all the Old Milwaukee in Texas and resell it as distilled water. By doing so, he could triple the price of it."

Bill looked into the camera, "He must be a Republican."

The police captain left and the producer walked up to Bill, "Don't worry, Moyers, we're prepared for something like this. We have a special guest waiting in the wings. Bubba! come on out!"

Bill Clinton walked out from behind the curtain and sat where Homast (Mosath) had been sitting. He said, "Howdy, Mr. Moyers, let's get this show back on the road."

It took a few seconds but Bill regained his composure. He went on to the next question for the panel. "Many BOMers equate going in with sin. Is the Back Out Movement primarily spiritual in nature?"

1. Billy Bob Ledbetter: All have sinned and come up short. All need forgiveness and ministerial assistance. That's where ol' Billy Bob come in.

2. Beulah Faye Ledbetter: I don't give a damn.

3. Bobby Juan Belly: Oh, I reckon you could do you some purty good sinnin' either a place.

4. Mary Wanda Bodine: Some come up shorter than others, and use cigars to compensate.

5. Tomjam Eyskin: I like cigars.

6: Bubba Clinton: Well, Bill...

7. Donnie Bob Belly: Dadgum! I know you! Shoot, you that boy what wad a runnin' for country commissioner! Shoot, how you doin'?

Bubba: Sorry, that's not me.

DB: Shoot, you didn't win. Dadgum shame. I jist know you'd a made a good 'un. That chocolate mouse you was givin' out ta git vote? Best dadgum chocolate mess I hadn't never had. Never would a knowed mouse could taste sa dadgum good. Looky here, let's git you runnin' again! Make some more a that mouse! You still got the recipe, ain't you?

Bubba: No, really, that wasn't me.

DB: Yore mama made it? Wail, shoot, let's...

Bubba: No, my mother is dead.

DB: Oh, goodness, that there's turrble. Mama's daid, and never tolt nobody her recipe. Shore a shame when that had happened. Wail, there goes yore politickin'. Ain't nobody gonna vote for you if you ain't got no more a that mouse.

TAKE THIRTEEN

The police raid had taken the steam out of Bill. He was used to hosting shows that were quiet, thoughtful, and unwatched. Now he was on a show that was hot and being viewed by millions of Americans. And now on the panel was none other than the greatest American president of the twentieth century. He took a sip of water (or was that Old Milwaukee?) and spoke to the panel:

"I see that our time is almost up. There's enough time for each of you distinguished panelists to make one last brief statement. And as a good, touchy-feely liberal, I want to implore you to tell us what's on your heart and mind. In twenty-five words or less."

1. Billy Bob Ledbetter: This ol' Billy Bob's last call for this time. Don't make it your last call, neighbor. You can't write your way into Glory, but you can rent a glory agent right here. Don't wait, friend. They's a long line.

2. Beulah Faye Ledbetter: I was glad to be here, Bill, and I'll be glad to go.

3. Bobby Juan Belly: I know somebody's been eatin' my Moon Pies - them last two batches. I ain't blamin' you, Mr. Bill. I know you hadn't taken none. They's somebody had, though, and they ort ta be ashamed. Now, I ain't sayin' I wouldn't borrow a Moon Pie ever onct to the while, but I'd shore 'nuff feel ashamed if I had a taken a feller's last Moon Pie, and I'd jist run right out and git a big ol' mess a Moon Pie, Twankie, what not, to make it right. See?

4. Mary Wanda Bodine: It's not everyday that you get to see the sorriest president this country ever had and the worst excuse for a TV journalist, all in the same room. Thanks a bunch, Bill Moyers.

5. Tomjam Eyskin: I'm getting a beginning feel instead of an ending feel. I wonder why.

6: Bubba Clinton: I want to say something I've always wanted to say, but never said this way. I liked being president. I liked it a lot. But I never liked it as much as sitting around eating barbecue, drinking beer and flirting. That's just something I like to do. I can't help it. I don't want to help it. I'm not going to fight it anymore. I've had it with trying to be someone I'm not. I want you all to show me how to be a better Bubba. I know there's some world-class expertise in this room. I need all of you.

7. Donnie Bob Belly: First thang you do, Mr. Billy, is find out how ta make that chocolate mouse. You got to! It yore dadgum duty. I wont some more a that mess! It real good. Extry real good. Git on it, Mr. Billy. Right now!

FINAL TAKE

The Bill Moyers PBS Special was over. Bill was gone, his limo taking him back to his luxury suite. The Dime Box contingent had decided it was hungry and had left to try out several Austin restaurants. Only Bubba Clinton and Tomjam Eyskin remained.

Bubba spoke up, "Well, boy, I noticed you weren't too talkative. You the president of BOM, dadgummit. When I was President, the cat never got hold of my tongue. Monica did, but that's another story."

Tomjam hesitated briefly, then said, "Well, Mr. Clinton, I'll just tell you. I think you'll understand. BOM has become politicized! I know how much you always hated that - the politics of personal destruction. I'll never forget hearing you speak out against all that. I never liked it either. Well, now BOM's becoming political."

Clinton said, "I knew it. Republicans moving in, right?"

Tomjam said, "Oh no. Democrats. Gore won't leave us alone. He's been bugging us for two years now, always saying something new and bizarre. Kerry too. More bizarre stuff. Dean, Kucinich, even Sharpton. We don't know anything about politcs, Mr. President. I know those guys don't know much either, which is what makes this worse. At least with Republicans, the worst we'd face is being corrupted by professionals. No offense, Mr. President, but being corrupted by clueless amateurs is a lot worse. What can we do?"

Indeed.

THE END