;Is there anybody there?; asks the medium, and
a small voice replies ;Yes.
Is that you, Bert?; asks the woman.
;Yes he replies.
Are you alright?;.
Lovely! the voice replies.
;What's it like where you are? asks the wife.
;It's great, he replies, ;today I went swimming
and did a bit of fishing
Oh,; said his widow, ;you never did any of that
while you were alive.
No, the voice says
;well, I'm a duck now.
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to
the barber, who responded, 'Why would anyone Want to go there. It's
crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how
are you getting there?'
'We're taking TWA,' was the reply. 'We got a great rate!'
'TWA!' exclaimed the barber. 'That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old,
their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you
staying in Rome?'
'We'll be at the downtown International Marriott.'
'That dump! That's the worst hotel in Rome, the rooms are small, the service
is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?'
'We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.'
'That's rich,' laughed the barber. 'You and a million other people trying to see
him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.
You're going to need it!'
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber
asked him about his trip to Rome.
'It was wonderful,' explained the man, 'not only were we on time in one of
TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to
first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful
28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel!
Well, it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodelling job and now
it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologised
and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!'
'Well,' muttered the barber, 'I know you didn't get to see the pope.'
'Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard
tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to meet some of
the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the
pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the pope
walked in. As I knelt down he spoke a few words to me.'
'What'd he say?'
He said, 'Where'd you get the crappy haircut?'
A man walked up to a little old lady rocking in a chair on her porch. I couldn't
help noticing how happy you look,' he said. 'What's your secret for a long
happy life?'
I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,' she said. ' a spliff every night, a case of whiskey a week, eat junk food,
and never exercise.
That's amazing,' said the man, 'how old are you?'
Possibly The Worst Joke I've Ever Heard!
The couple left the gynaecologist's office with the wife in tears. They were
just told that she could never become pregnant. They would never have the
family they both desired so fervently.
Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them. 'I think I can help you,' he
said, handing them a card. 'Why are you masked?' the husband asked.
'Because the government has declared our activities illegal. Go to the
address on this card. The doctor will take a scraping from your mouth and
culture it. In less than a year, we will have your baby for you.'
'This is the answer to our prayers!' the wife exclaimed. Then she turned to
thank the stranger but he was gone. 'Who was that masked man?' she asked
her husband.
He answered, 'That was the....... Clone Arranger.'
wenty-four.'
Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They
climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy
gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.
The second guy says, 'What are you doing?'
He says, 'I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make
a run for it.'
The second guy says, 'Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear.'
The first guy says, 'I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you.'
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, 'Well, son, it was 1932.
The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested
that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the
end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
'The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire
day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this
system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.
'Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars.'
