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Chapter 1
I'm a tad
afraid that my JW story isn't nearly as interesting as some
other ways God has moved in my life, but as I started to think
about what I would write when the time came, I started realizing
how much God's hand was in my life even then and I'm quite
excited to share it with you all.
It's quite intricate though
when I really start to piece together God's handiwork. It might
come in chapters, or I might spit it all out today. I can't be
sure. One thing I do know for sure is, I need to begin....LOL!
My parents were 16 and 17 when
they had me. And for the first 6 months of my mom's pregnancy no
one even knew she was pregnant. It wasn't until she attempted
suicide by overdosing on sleeping pills that her pregnancy was
brought to light. And as quick as you can say Lutheran my
parents were standing at the alter.
My dad was a senior my mom was
a junior. Somehow it took me until I was almost 12 before I
realized my mom was pregnant when she got married and even then
it was a friend of my mom's who let that slip. We weren't quite
as sophisticated as the 12 year olds of today huh. :) But I
digress...my mom quit school (you didn't go to school pregnant
back then) and my dad graduated and went to work full-time. And
so began their life in the little trailer they lived in on my
grandparent's property.
I share this part with you
because it lends itself in explaining the rough start my parents
had and why they eventually got caught up in drugs and alcohol.
My parents struggled in their relationship, the typical
jealousies of teenagers, only this was a grown up game they were
playing. And they struggled with this and they struggled with
that.
Less than 2 years after I was
born, they found out they were pregnant yet again. My mom
carried her son full term only to have him be stillborn. This
was an extremely difficult time for my parents. I'm not even
sure how much was ever discussed of it. My grandma (my dad's
mom) is the queen of denial and I'm relatively sure my parents
didn't get to talk this loss through.
After all, what were they doing
having another baby to begin with at 18 and 20. What I do know
for sure about this pivotal moment in their lives is that their
pastor at the time informed them that there baby was in Hell
because he had not been baptized. (shaking my head sadly) I'm a
little fuzzy about the timeline of events in those early years
of my life, but around the time my sister was born (I was 4) my
parents divorced.
I'm pretty sure my mom was
seeing someone else at that time. They were both heavy pot
smokers and alcoholism was pretty much what my mom had been
raised with. Eventually they got back together (although did not
remarry) and the drug abuse continued. They went on to have my
brother when I was 7.
I'm pretty certain this is when
my mom particularly started taking some stock of her life and we
started attending the Lutheran church again. She was really
seeking something, wanting to quit the pot smoking, but it was
hard and made even harder by the fact that my dad really had no
desire to quit. (I'm just realizing how history repeats itself
as I think about what took place many years later)
Then one day, as if an answer
to prayer a Jehovah's Witness came knocking on the door. My mom
was quite receptive to what they had to say because she knew
there was an empty place that needed filled. Only it wasn't
happening in her own church (insert reminder to comment on this
after testimony is completely told). And what a wonderful
message this woman had for my mom.
She got my mom so excited that
my mom would stick the bible in my dad's face every night and
beg him to listen to her. Eventually he did and the next thing I
knew my parents were getting married for the second time, which
was news to me...I didn't even know they weren't married. My
parents began studying with the Witnesses, attending meetings 3
times a week at the Kingdom Hall, quit celebrating holidays and
most remarkably quit smoking pot. (Alcohol is okay as a Witness
just not excess).
Really turned their lives
around. It actually made my Lutheran grandma happy. (which I
think is so sad now) It was a bit excessive, but at least they
had religion right? It wasn't too long at all before my parents
were baptized as Jehovah's Witnesses and we were one of them.
Except for having to give up holidays and birthdays, I thought
it was great. They always had picnics together and my parents
were making friends and they brought us along. I had a very best
friend and everyone loved everyone. (insert reminder for
commentary at end)
And so it began...the trip deep
into the cult. About a year after my parents became witnesses,
we moved to another town in a neighboring state. I actually have
a memory of sitting at the Kingdom Hall during a weekday meeting
and thinking to myself, "this all seem so weird, but oh
well, as long as we're with people like the "Smiths"
who really cares." I actually had that thought.
I actually had a check in my
spirit about the doctrine at the age of 8 or 9. Which is a
testament to both God and the power of fellowship (which I'll
get to later, but is a huge tool for lack of a better word that
the witnesses have going for them). My parents eventually strove
for position within the society. Before it was all said and
done, my dad was an Elder (highest position held in the
congregation) and my mom was a regular pioneer (which means she
put in 90 hours each month going door to door or as they call
it, "out in service")
Chapter 2
From the time I
was a young girl, my parents took me "out in service".
I would actually go to people's doors and share the "good
news". The good news being that we could all live forever
on a paradise earth. The "new system" as we called it.
I always read to them from my bible, Revelation 21:4. The way to
attain eternal life was of course by being a Jehovah's Witness.
Witnesses
believe in Jesus Christ and he is preached about, Jesus as a
sacrifice and dieing for us is there, but it's not the key
element of this religion. Witnesses do not believe in the
trinity. They believe that Jesus was first Michael the archangel
and that he was a human sacrifice for obedient people. I just
read that on their own website.
I find it
curious because I was wondering how they interpret Jesus as a
sacrifice but dismiss others who believe in Jesus. This is how.
He was a sacrifice for "obedient" people (aka
Jehovah's Witnesses). They also use the scriptures that talks
about the narrow road and that few will enter, and another in
Eph. that says we are called into one faith.
They deny
the trinity because it can't be understood and believe Jesus was
resurrected as a spirit being. They honor his death by
celebrating the "memorial of Christ's death" every
year, but place no significance on his resurrection. I remember
questioning my mom about my grandparents (my dad's parents). My
wonderful, kind, God fearing, Lutheran grandparents.
"No", I was told, they would not be with us in
paradise. I cried and cried and cried and my mom held me and
told me this is why we needed to witness to them.
Witnessing door to door was key
to being a witness. You were not a witness who did not go door
to door. There was no such thing. Every witness was required to
put in at least 10 hours a month "out in service".
This is how the organization grows. People don't pop in to visit
the Kingdom Hall, they are scouted out. They have actual
territories. Each Kingdom Hall is designated an area and that
area is broken down into territories.
The territories are put on an
index card and laminated and you "check out" a
territory like you would a library book. You keep a record of
each address you go to. Not interested, not home, etc. Once
someone shows interest they become an "RV" or return
visit. If they accept publications from you, they are a return
visit. You work this territory until it's complete and then you
turn it in and check out another. The goal of a return visit is
that you begin a bible study with them.
Ironically very little is from
the bible, but rather a Watchtower publication. When I was a Witness
it was the book, "The Truth That Leads to Eternal
Life". Scripture is referenced, but it is taken out of
context and used to serve the purpose of the teaching.
Jehovah's Witnesses believe
(and are taught) that their organization is God's Theocratic
Kingdom established here on earth. Which is also why they
believe you have to belong to it to be saved. But because the
"society" is God's established earthly kingdom, it is
not to be questioned. Only the "society" is able to
interpret bible text, which I'm sure is why so many don't bother
to check it out themselves.
You're sort of lulled into
believing that you are always in God's word, when in reality,
you're only where they want you to be. After I was no longer a witness
I started researching and what I discovered was that people who
leave the organization often did so because they finally did
start discovering the horrible discrepancies they were being
taught.
Even today, my dad, who is no
longer a witness, but not a Christian, thinks he is armed with
so much biblical knowledge because of his years as a witness. It
is so sad. I remember being at the Kingdom Hall for a Theocratic
Ministry School meeting. This was sort of a teaching ground for
how to go door to door and what to say in different
situations.
Every member was involved in
this. Every six months or so you would be assigned a meeting and
given a topic where you would do a 3-6 minute demonstration on
how to witness to someone on that topic. I loved doing these.
(the drama queen in me probably... ;) ) Then afterwards the
person running the meeting would sort of critique you. Offer up
additional things that could have been added, what they thought
you did especially well, things you could have done differently.
Anyway....
I remember the elder posing a
question to the congregation, trying to get them to think about
how loyal they were to the organization. What he was really
asking was how much did they trust that the organization to
interpret the bible for us and to be the prophet of God. He
asked if tomorrow the society said it was wrong to drink coffee,
would they question that or would they gladly give up coffee. I
think that is the thing that made me stop and think how strange
and wrong that all sounded.
Another governing value of the
Jehovah's Witnesses is their association with people who are not
Witnesses. The scripture used to support their segregation is
the one that says "bad association spoils useful
habits." Heard it all my life. (hmm...can't find that
scripture now. Well anyway, that's the way it read in the JW
translation) When I was in 4th and 5th grade I had a best friend
who happened to NOT be a witness. We were the only witnesses in
our small town in IA so I didn't go to school with any other witnesses.
This posed a real problem for
my parents. Best friends are important to little girls,
especially at that age. It's almost like when you fall in
love...it just can't be prevented. Of course I was invited to
spend the night with my best friend. You wouldn't believe the
begging that had to be done for this to happen. I found it so
frustrating that my parents assumed that because she wasn't a JW,
she was somehow bad. Because I of course felt otherwise.
My parents finally relented and
I was allowed to spend the night, but I had to promise I would
spend some of my time with her witnessing to her. I was so
nervous and anxious about this, that I packed NOTHING in my
suitcase except my, "My book of bible stories", a JW
publication. When I arrived at my friends house her cousin (who
was also our age) was also there and of course the first thing
they want to do is open my suitcase and see what I
brought.
I suddenly realized they would
find nothing but my book and I was not ready for that. They
couldn't understand why that was the only thing I brought and I
explained I would tell them later. This incident, until a year
and a half ago, was one of the most humiliating moments of my
life. (I will talk more on that later) I remember laying in bed
that night with my friend telling her that she wasn't going to
heaven like she thought.
And that unless she was a
Jehovah's witness, she wouldn't live on paradise earth either.
It made her sad, it made me sad. I didn't want to be saying it,
but I had promised my parents and I knew I was supposed to. Of
course this wasn't the best witnessing approach to take, but I
was 9 for crying out loud. This incident came to my mind a lot
when as an adult who was no longer a witness, I would look back
on my childhood as a JW. My mom feels so badly about this now
and believes it was really abuse.
Okay, well my thoughts are
coming too quickly now and I feel like I need to pray for God's
hand on what I say further, so I will continue on Monday, or
later tonight if I feel lead.
Chapter 3
When I was going into 5th grade,
my family moved back to our hometown in NE. I remember my cousin
wanted me to be in his class, but instead my parents requested I
be put into the class with the other fifth grade Jehovah's Witness.
And to be frank, he wasn't someone I wanted to claim, but at
least the class already knew that I wouldn't be celebrating
holidays or birthdays or saying the pledge of allegiance.
When I got into sixth grade, I
came home excitedly one day after school and thrust basketball
papers in front of my mom and told her I was going to try out
for basketball. She looked at me sadly and said, "No honey
you can't." "Why?" "Because it's an
extracurricular activity." Again, goes back to the
association thing and being around people who aren't witnesses.
Also Witnesses frowned on competitive activities.
At any rate,
"extracurricular activity" was not a phrase my mom
made up. It's a general "rule" of the witnesses that
you don't participate in "extracurricular activities".
I'm sure you could find plenty a Watchtower article discussing
it. I asked to be in band that same year and was also told no.
Of course by the time I got to high school I didn't ask anymore.
I was never angry about these things. Disappointed maybe, but I
never thought to question it. I was always very respectful of my
parents and very compliant and wanting to please them.
The year I was 14, things
started to spiral out of control for my parents. Primarily my
mom. The controlling religion they had made themselves a part of
had kept them out of trouble for a long time, but it could only
keep my mom's raging alcoholism at bay for so long. That year my
great grandma died.
This was very emotionally
difficult for my mom because her grandma had been more like her
mother. Her own parents were alcoholics and she had been pretty
much left to her own accord by them. Thank the Lord for stable
loving grandparents. I had a couple of my own. My mom started
suffering from migraines after her death and probably secretly
drinking. I'm really fuzzy on how she came to the decisions she
did.
I do remember out of character
behavior that I was very uncomfortable with. Being the oldest it
was partly inborn and partly typical behavior of a child who has
dysfunctional parents. My parents were listening to a local rock
and roll station that me and my friends listened to. That
bothered me. My mom took me to a slumber party a girl from
school was having, I was glad about that, but thought it
strange, since this sort of thing wasn't really allowed.
She didn't let me stay, instead
she took all the girls from the party and took us
"cruising" down Main St. of our small town. We were in
heaven. She passed around her beer for all the girls to drink.
They thought she was great, I was embarrassed. I remember one
time when we were at the beach (we had a season pass to a local
beach near our house) a strange man was "talking" with
my mom and she offered to give him a ride home in a different
town.
By this time my dad was
checking the odometer reading on our vehicle to keep track of
his wife. I thought driving a strange man home was inappropriate
and I knew my dad would not approve. It made me angry that my
mom was making such a poor choice. I was probably 15 at this
time.
Then the horrible night came.
My mom went down to a local bar in our town, got drunk, went
home with some guy she met at the bar and then was later picked
up by the police and charged with a DWI. I don't remember her
coming home after that. I'm not sure where she went, but I
remember my dad telling me about it. I know I cried, but I
really think I was numb at that moment. I was very angry, but I
wasn't sure who to be angry with. It was very confusing and
upsetting.
My mom went to an in house
treatment center eventually as ordered by the court. She must
have come home in between that time because at some point she
met with the elders. It was determined she was not repentant and
she was disfellowshipped. I remember a friend of my parents
coming to see her before the announcement was made because they
wouldn't be able to talk to her afterward.
It was very awkward. I think my
mom pretended her intention was to come back immediately. After
she jumped through the right JW hoops. Maybe that's why she went
to in house treatment. And maybe she wasn't pretending. Maybe
that is what she hoped for too. But it never happened. My mom
met someone in treatment and she told my dad she wasn't coming
home. I will really never understand how you can leave your
children, but I don't understand what it is to be addicted to
alcohol either and what I do know is that leaving us is probably
much harder for my mom to deal with now then it is for me.
My dad was not in great shape
either of course. When my parents divorced, he sold his half of
his business to his partner and took a job in Kansas. I believe
he did this because he didn't want to be a witness anymore and
moving us away from everyone he was accountable to was a way to
make that easier to occur. He had been removed as an elder after
my mom was disfellowshipped. I was halfway through my sophomore
year of high school when we moved.
Amazingly despite not being
allowed to participate in any activities, attend school dances,
go to sporting events, or date, I was still very popular among
my classmates and had a lot of fun at school. It was probably my
escape. It also helped that my class had about 150 kids in it.
The school in Kansas had about a thousand kids in it. Needless
to say I was depressed, lonely, and did not fit in. I barely
went to school the rest of my sophomore year and my junior year.
I always marvel that I actually graduated on time.
My dad worked nights for quite
awhile. Although I don't remember him being home during the day
when I would skip. He was clueless. We never saw him and I was
raising my two sisters and my brother. Literally. I took them to
the Kingdom Hall. I took them "out in service". I took
them to get haircuts and paid for it with my McDonald's
paycheck. I cooked. I did the grocery shopping.
Meanwhile, my dad was doing
cocaine and being generally self destructive. I remember one
time him telling me that he didn't have any money to give me for
groceries because he had cashed his paycheck and it blew out of
his pocket while he was riding on the back of a friends
motorcycle. Up his nose more like.
I can't tell you how many times
our electricity or phone got shut off. Not long after we moved
to KS, my dad wrote a letter to "the society" and
asked to disassociate himself. He didn't have to explain
anything to anyone that way. Eventually I could no longer take
it and I told my dad that I was leaving and going back to NE to
live with my mom. She had remarried (to a drunk) and was living
in Omaha. I remember telling him the only reason he would care
if I left is because he wouldn't have anyone to take care of the
kids. My dad came to his senses at that moment and we all moved
back. He moved with the younger kids into his parents house and
I moved in with my mom.
Good place to stop. Thanks for
letting me share this you guys and for reading it. It's been
very therapeutic!
page created
July 15, 2003 |
