Wow! I am honored to be the first to share my testimony on this forum. I think sharing testimony is an enlightening way for each of us to see where weve come from, where we are, and where we want to be in our spiritual growth. Having said that, I must admit that my salvation is relatively recent, and I have a long way to go. My biggest challenge, currently, is learning to quiet my mind long enough to listen to the voice of God. So this is how I got to where I am today I grew up in a Christian, church-going family, and always felt firm in my faith. But while I was in high school, my parents moved, and I lost my church home. I was also at a spiritually vulnerable age, and my faith began to drift. By the time I got out of college, got married and had two kids, I convinced myself that I did not need church. I believed in God and did a lot of "the right things," and that was enough. Two life-threatening illnesses have convinced me otherwise. This past January, while adrift somewhere between life and death, I woke up (literally!), and thought that something very important was missing in my life. Within a few seconds of regaining consciousness, a TV ad for a church came on. That was my answer. I resisted the church idea for a while, focusing instead on cultivating my spirituality. Recuperating, and Amazon.com, gave me a long chance to read and focus on my spirituality. I absorbed everything I could. Books by Gary Zukav and Leonard Jacobson had a profound effect on my spiritual development. I still read Embracing the Present on a daily basis. But ultimately, a church home was what I needed. I have since joined and become an active member of a church, and my life is fully renewed. Many people in this church have inspired me to be a greater person in Gods eyes. I learn from example. Sharing my faith with kindred spirits gives my heart joy. And the non-judgmental support I get from members of the church gives me peace. Lessons I have learned in my quest for spiritual growth are 1) you cant intellectualize God, 2) you cant think and listen at the same time, and 3) you must be fully present and listening to hear the voice of God. Im still struggling with the third point. Ive had mixed results in my efforts to learn to listen. While recuperating, I asked God for guidance in what to do with the rest of my life. Gods directive was very plain: "Feed the People." The fact that I HAD a "rest of my life" was a gift, and I want to honor God in all my actions. But I have thought many long hours. I have prayed and asked for more guidance in what this means. I have tried to listen, but I still have no idea. What does "Feed the People" mean? What people? And feed them what? Am I just not ready to listen yet? On the other hand, there are cases in which I hear too lucidly with my subconscious, but not at all consciously. A case in point is September 11th. Before the horrible events of the day even began to occur, I had convinced my husband that he and my small kids needed to come to church with me. My husband had never been inside that sanctuary, and he was baffled as to why I wanted to be in church on a Tuesday morning, but indulged me nonetheless. As I was sitting in the sanctuary, looking at the sunlight beaming through a stained glass window of two angels, I burst into tears-sobbing actually. And I had no idea why I was crying. Somehow I knew something was wrong, but I didnt know what and I didnt know HOW wrong. The world we all knew was crumbling all around us, yet I had found a fortress of strength without even knowing why I needed it. I am still relying on those angels to give me a sense of calm in our torn-apart world. And even though this type of knowledge has occurred throughout my life, it is not consistent. On a rare occasion, I know what is happening when there is no discernable way I should know. Sometimes things that I feel like I should have known about are not revealed to me at all. But usually I just get a pure and strong dose of emotion with no definition of what it should be attached to. I do not understand this "gift" that torments me. It seems useless to me, as in many cases I am not aware of what the situation is until it is revealed to me along with everyone else. Am I just not listening well enough? So this is where I am now: not understanding my strange gift and working on my ability to fully listen to God. I struggle with the issue of listening on a daily basis. I have tried to be as fully present with God as I can, but find myself constantly interrupted by my mind. My personal salvation, like that of most people, has been full of misdirected side trips, uphill battles, and just plain going in the wrong direction. Calming my mind and learning to listen has been-and continues to be-a struggle for me. Faith does not always come readily to me. I find it difficult to focus fully on the present to be with God; anxiety about the future seems to interfere. I should pick up and read the Bible on a more frequent basis. And I am sometimes disturbed by this unusual sense of insight. But, through it all, I have learned to forgive and forget. My past does not trouble me. I try and focus every day on being present with God and accepting His grace. Prayer has returned to my life. My church has provided the love and Christian companionship that makes me thrive. And I feel empowered with Gods gifts. I try to enjoy life to the fullest. I hope you enjoy this little adventure into my trials and tribulations. I also hope you will share your thoughts about the issues I have brought up. And if anyone has any insight on "Feed the People," please share! In God's Grace, Mary (Merj)