Inspired by Debbie's testimony, Cynthia decided to share her own: My testimony!! I grew up as the daughter of a pastor, 2nd youngest of 10 and with the saying, children should be seen and not heard. I was the forgotten child; I do not have very many happy memories of my childhood, or as a teenager. My memories are of rejection, betrayal, abuse, distrust, being mocked and never being good enough. I hated my father so much I went against everything he taught me, both the good and the bad. He was supposed to be my protector, my encourager, my rock and most of all, my daddy, and he failed. I was in private Christian School for K to grade 9 and I went to public school in grade 10. I was to go to school to learn and was forbidden any friendships with boys and those heathen girls that would corrupt their little girl. I ran away several times, only to come back home to more rejection, control and distrust. By grade 12 I was drinking, doing drugs, sleeping around and partying, my parents new nothing, Alcohol gave me the illusion that I was stronger, prettier and more in control, and no one could hurt me! It was a way to forget the abuse, have some fun and feel like I was accepted and one of the crowd. Things always looked so much better from the bottom of a bottle of booze... or so I thought. I became an expert at lying and sneaking out at night. I was sleeping around and the more I did, the more out of control I felt and the more I turned to alcohol and drugs. When I was 19 years old I moved to BC with my parents, hoping for a fresh start, and things were okay for a while. The controlling returned and so did the rebellion. I was an adult, holding two jobs and being treated as a child with a curfew of 9pm and no association with people outside of the church, which consisted of 6 families, all seniors. So I moved out on my own at 19, searching for freedom. I was amazingly still very gullible and a sucker for any guy who told me I was pretty. Shortly after, I was pregnant!! The father was never involved in the pregnancy or birth and still is not to this day. Soon after I found out I moved back home with my parents, I see now that God was working through my pregnancy in order to repair the father daughter relationship, which it did. That is when my relationship with my father began. From that day forward I began to love him, just a little more each day. I moved out on my own when Danica and Bryana were 6 mos old. It was scary to be on my own, but I managed. I was a good mom and I was determined not to slip into the old patterns of behaviour I had managed to avoid during my pregnancy, but the desperate need for validation sent me back. I hated myself. I hated my life, I hated my friends and I hated who I had become. I would look in the mirror and did not like what I saw, so the cycle began to unravel and break. I met a wonderful man when Danica and Bryana were 16 months old. He was not a Christian and at that time, neither was I. I was pregnant with Shayna soon after our relationship began, I was devastated and scared. I told him to leave now, rather that later, he said NO, I am not leaving you, and you are carrying my child! I think that is when I fell in love with him. Things began to change in my heart after the birth of my son. I wanted so much more out of life. I knew something very important was missing in my life, and in my mind I knew what it was, but my heart was not willing to follow. I had spent my life depending on only myself, how was I going to depend on God? After all, where was he when I was a little lost girl? or a lost teenager?. Where was he when I needed him? I now have my answers to those questions. He carried me through the valley of shadows, He sustained me through years of rejection and betrayal, He protected my body and mind from years of self abuse, He protected Danica and Bryana in my womb, He protected there minds, there little hearts and restored them to perfect health after their birth. The condition they had in-utero has an 80% fatality rate. He was waiting for me to get on me knees and cry out to him to come into my life, to depend on Him for everything, to realize that He is the great Healer, nothing is to great for Him to do, if I would just surrender myself to Him and His plan for me. He was waiting on the other side of the door,, for the knock. The deceiver and the accuser had lost. Satan tried to keep me in the dark, to keep me feeling that God could never love me or have a plan for me,, I was too great of a sinner. God brought my husband to me in my darkest hour, and God new what I needed to bring me to a place of healing. It took six years of walking through the valley of the shadow of death before I began to reach out my hands to God. I began with the Potter’s House 2 years ago. It started slowly,, with baby steps. I was very leery of getting involved with a church again,, because I could sense a change coming. I would look at the other people in the church and I would say to myself,, they think they are so perfect,, I can never be like them. That thought began to change to,, these people are real,, they practice what they preach, they do not care that I used drugs, drank, had premarital sex, took the lord’s name in vain, ignored the Sabbath Day, dishonoured my parents and myself, stole, coveted, gossiped and many more …. I began to learn that God is interested in my heart!! He wants me to turn to Him and lean on Him for my comfort and healing,, not myself, nor my husband, nor my children,, only on HIM! The more involved I became with the church the more I felt panic and calm, doubt and assurance, lost and found, . The accuser was doing all he could to keep me from God. The thought of,, Am I good enough,, would always return to me and the one thing that I found the most comfort in was, “ BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD!” When the nightmares would return and the feelings of being out of control would return,, the panic and the tears would return,,, I would realize that I had stopped trusting in God and was once again trying to do it on my own. When I cried out to God and others did for me,, I would feel a peace come over me that was so comforting and warm. When it came to the question as to whether or not I wanted to be baptized,, I was terrified! For me it was a huge commitment,, I knew once I was baptized it would be all or nothing. The questions going through my mind were,, could I be a good enough Christian,, what would my dad say, what will my husband say, how will it affect my marriage,,, going back to the ,” earning favour with God through the way I act or look to others.” I faced the fear and did it anyway,, and I am so glad that I did. That was my first outward public sign of obedience to God. I believed and was baptized,, it only makes sense. My Pastor spoke of Rahab the Harlot in a sermon and it gave me great comfort. If God could use a prostitute in such a way, surely he can use me as well. God broke my will-full spirit and molded me into the woman I am becoming today. Had I not experienced the trials I did, I would not have empathy towards single moms, I would not have compassion for women recovering from drugs and alcohol and abortion. God has molded me into his instrument with the commandment to be faithful. I am still growing in my walk, but began my first ministry in the church, an outreach to mothers of young children in the community! I hope this is just the beginning of many ministries I will be involved with… now if I could just find a way to slide a few in between kindergarten pick up, after school pick up and 2 full time daycare kids ,,, not to mention my own 4 it would be great! I needed to reach a point in my life where I could KNOW that I am forgiven. I needed to forgive myself, learn from my mistakes and not let them hold me back. Raise you child up in the word of God,, and when he(she ) is older she will not depart from it. It's been a long journey of paying the consequences for my wrongdoings and trying to receive the Lord's forgiveness. I know now that I always had it, all I had to do was ask, there is nothing I can do to receive his forgiveness, it is an unconditional gift to me, because he loves me, I want to share with you a Psalm that has always been special to me,, Psalm 23: The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want, He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside still waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in the paths righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through he valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for you are with me, your rod and your staff they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows, Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. At times I feel I am still searching for who I am inside,, it is a journey,, and I have just begun. I still struggle daily with doubts and insecurities, waiting for the betrayal and rejection to begin again, but it never comes. God brought me to the Potter’s House; He knew the kind of Church Family I needed to bring about healing and reassurance. Through the support of a great church family and wonderful friends that God has brought into my life I know I will continue to grow closer to God and blossom in his love and grace. I know that when I stand before God,, He will say,, well done,, good and faithful servant.