Daffer shared her testimony with us at our 100th board "birthday party" on Feb. 15, 2002: "Life of Depression... (L-O-N-G)" I was the last of 7 kids my parents had adopted. Going to church on Sundays was routine and required by my parents so I had heard the gospel message from an early age. I could recite every bible story and had memorized many verses, but somehow I missed out on the real message of Jesus Christ. To me, God was a God to be feared (because I would go to hell if I didnt obey him), not a God of love. Since I went to church regularly no one questioned my salvation, I think everyone assumed I was saved. I didnt know or fully understand what it meant to accept Christ. I say this because I didnt know that I could have an intimate and personal relationship with Him. I thought I only needed to pray when I was in trouble and I had to try to be "good" so others would see what a great kid I was. My family life was in turmoil. From the outside, our family appeared like the perfect Christian family. Inside, our family was plagued with sexual abuse, emotional abuse, lies, and deceit. I had issues with abandonment and I experienced love that was very conditional. Early on I learned to "keep quiet" about these things so as to not tarnish the family name. I was so lonely and empty inside. None of this changed after I accepted Christ and I didnt feel different so I thought Christ had changed the rules of salvation when it came to me. I never fully believed He came into my heart, I would lay in bed each night and invite him in. Somehow I made it through all of this. I was a good kid and didnt cause my parents any problems. Deep inside I was very depressed and wondered why God has chosen this family for me to grow up in. I think I started to resent God at this point and was angry with Him, although I never showed it or questioned it. At an early age I learned to hide my feelings and I felt that to question God was equal to the biggest sin ever. I started partying my senior year of High School. When I left for college I stopped going to church all together. My life was a life of partying, skipping class, meeting guys, and trying to satisfy my soul hunger with worldly things. I sunk deeper into depression during my college years. Memories of the abuse I suffered haunted me continually. I let this eat at me day and night, my self esteem seemed damaged beyond repair. I perceived myself as no good and I was a victim of my past. I wanted things to be different and I expected God to make things better for me. I threw myself into my studies. I found that the busier I kept my mind, the less time I had to dwell on my past. In a way, school became a "Band-Aid" for my depression. I remember thinking about God a lot and struggled to find the meaning of my salvation and the purpose of my life. Why did God create me and what did he save me for? I felt that I was a Christian but I didnt have inner peace and joy that other in the church had described. This depression was still eating at the heart of me, festering, and getting worst. I didnt think that Gods grace was for me, he gave it to everyone else but I was left out because I couldn't please many people I was around and because I had committed some sins in my lifetime. I attended church during this time. I could put on a good front and no one knew what was going on yet I was dying inside. I never shared with anyone about my inner turmoil for fear of being judged and rejected. I went through the motions of going to church but secretly I was very angry with God. Why was He putting me through all of this misery and pain? Life was not fun, I was tired all the time, and I was merely "existing". There was no joy in my life. During this time (Fall 1996), we moved to Hawaii. Little did I know at the time, but God was moving me to a place where, through people, I could come to know him as a Personal and loving Savior. One Sunday, shortly after our move, I decided to try a church I had passed by earlier in the week. That Sunday, the Pastor said something in his message that stuck with me. "What ever you do, do it as if doing it for God, not for man". This struck a cord with me because I lived my life to please other people, I was a good person and helped others but, I did not do things as if doing it for the Lord as it instructs us in Colossians 3:23,24. (Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving). I strove to do the best for my Lord and Savior after this but still felt like I fell short. Around Christmas time, I was really sad, and decided that if this was what life was all about, it wasnt worth it. Sometimes you do not know what is missing in your life; although it seems like everything in your life is what you expected, there is a lack of fulfillment. I had what I thought should equate happiness: a Masters degree, good job, respect from my peers and boss, a loving husband and friends, and living in Hawaii. What could be missing? I was so lonely. I felt I had nothing to lose if I walked out of this life. I didnt want to take my life but I wanted a drastic change and I knew I had to work on it myself with help from God, God wouldn't instantaneously change me like I expected Him to. Deep down I knew what was missing; I didnt have a personal experience with Christ, which is what I longed for. That January, I picked up my bible and I felt like the Lord was speaking directly to me in Matthew 11:28-30 . "Come to me, all you who are heavy burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your soul. For my yoke is easy and my burden light". In Psalms 55:22 it says: Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fail. I prayed that God would help me with committing my life, finances, depression, bible reading, and my marriage totally to Him. I was asking Him to change my heart, I wanted to be like Christ. It was at this time that I truly accepted him and grew to know Him as my personal Savior, not as a far off "being" who was full of condemnation. Romans 8:1 says there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. It was at this time of renewal that I could reflect on my past behavior. Praise God, even though I strayed, he helped me. I came to realize that I had one foot in the door of Christianity and one foot out. In the past I had gone through the motions of committing my life to Christ but always a part of me was holding back, not truly believing he could change me. Throughout my life I always felt that God was with me but I just couldnt accept his unconditional love and I didnt get close to Him. I could see that I was searching for meaning in my life through worldly ways. I also didnt accept the fact that I was saved by Grace, not by works. Standing half in and half out of Christianity, suddenly I saw how He had allowed me to stray, had given me plenty of rope to try things out, but he always had his hand of protection over me. I have had many struggles since but I have learned that every circumstance and every situation, was sovereignty arranged by His mercy and grace. The Lord has become real; he is my comfort and peace from my unfulfilling life of torment. As I reflect back at this time in my life, I have asked Him to work miracles from my past misery. I have had to be patient and I continue to get to know Him through my process of healing. I still struggle with depression but I know that I can go to Gods word for comfort. I have learned that God permitted my childhood experiences, he didn't author them but He allowed them to happen. I dont know why but I do know this: 1. He knew that I would have to seek him diligently and daily in order to be healed and in healing I would come to know Him personally 2. He knew glory would come to His name through my restoration. 3. He knew I would be compassionate to people who suffer from depression and sexual abuse. 4. He wants me to make freedom in Christ a reality to other people in the same types of situations. I know that I am truly free from the torment of my past. I am now the victor, not a victim of my past. I have been regenerated as a new person in Christ, the old me is gone. Gods good from lifes bad has been liberating. God has promised to bring good out of anything we encounter as long as we love Him and if we allow Him to use it for His purpose. ( Romans 8:28) Our God has a purpose and plan, but He will not force Himself on us. He is too great for that. God wants us to willfully choose Him day by day.