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Chapter 1 I'm a tad afraid that my JW story isn't nearly as interesting as some other ways God has moved in my life, but as I started to think about what I would write when the time came, I started realizing how much God's hand was in my life even then and I'm quite excited to share it with you all. It's quite intricate though when I really start to piece together God's handiwork. It might come in chapters, or I might spit it all out today. I can't be sure. One thing I do know for sure is, I need to begin....LOL! My parents were 16 and 17 when they had me. And for the first 6 months of my mom's pregnancy no one even knew she was pregnant. It wasn't until she attempted suicide by overdosing on sleeping pills that her pregnancy was brought to light. And as quick as you can say Lutheran my parents were standing at the alter. My dad was a senior my mom was a junior. Somehow it took me until I was almost 12 before I realized my mom was pregnant when she got married and even then it was a friend of my mom's who let that slip. We weren't quite as sophisticated as the 12 year olds of today huh. :) But I digress...my mom quit school (you didn't go to school pregnant back then) and my dad graduated and went to work full-time. And so began their life in the little trailer they lived in on my grandparent's property. I share this part with you because it lends itself in explaining the rough start my parents had and why they eventually got caught up in drugs and alcohol. My parents struggled in their relationship, the typical jealousies of teenagers, only this was a grown up game they were playing. And they struggled with this and they struggled with that. Less than 2 years after I was born, they found out they were pregnant yet again. My mom carried her son full term only to have him be stillborn. This was an extremely difficult time for my parents. I'm not even sure how much was ever discussed of it. My grandma (my dad's mom) is the queen of denial and I'm relatively sure my parents didn't get to talk this loss through. After all, what were they doing having another baby to begin with at 18 and 20. What I do know for sure about this pivotal moment in their lives is that their pastor at the time informed them that there baby was in Hell because he had not been baptized. (shaking my head sadly) I'm a little fuzzy about the timeline of events in those early years of my life, but around the time my sister was born (I was 4) my parents divorced. I'm pretty sure my mom was seeing someone else at that time. They were both heavy pot smokers and alcoholism was pretty much what my mom had been raised with. Eventually they got back together (although did not remarry) and the drug abuse continued. They went on to have my brother when I was 7. I'm pretty certain this is when my mom particularly started taking some stock of her life and we started attending the Lutheran church again. She was really seeking something, wanting to quit the pot smoking, but it was hard and made even harder by the fact that my dad really had no desire to quit. (I'm just realizing how history repeats itself as I think about what took place many years later) Then one day, as if an answer to prayer a Jehovah's Witness came knocking on the door. My mom was quite receptive to what they had to say because she knew there was an empty place that needed filled. Only it wasn't happening in her own church (insert reminder to comment on this after testimony is completely told). And what a wonderful message this woman had for my mom. She got my mom so excited that my mom would stick the bible in my dad's face every night and beg him to listen to her. Eventually he did and the next thing I knew my parents were getting married for the second time, which was news to me...I didn't even know they weren't married. My parents began studying with the Witnesses, attending meetings 3 times a week at the Kingdom Hall, quit celebrating holidays and most remarkably quit smoking pot. (Alcohol is okay as a Witness just not excess). Really turned their lives around. It actually made my Lutheran grandma happy. (which I think is so sad now) It was a bit excessive, but at least they had religion right? It wasn't too long at all before my parents were baptized as Jehovah's Witnesses and we were one of them. Except for having to give up holidays and birthdays, I thought it was great. They always had picnics together and my parents were making friends and they brought us along. I had a very best friend and everyone loved everyone. (insert reminder for commentary at end) And so it began...the trip deep into the cult. About a year after my parents became witnesses, we moved to another town in a neighboring state. I actually have a memory of sitting at the Kingdom Hall during a weekday meeting and thinking to myself, "this all seem so weird, but oh well, as long as we're with people like the "Smiths" who really cares." I actually had that thought. I actually had a check in my spirit about the doctrine at the age of 8 or 9. Which is a testament to both God and the power of fellowship (which I'll get to later, but is a huge tool for lack of a better word that the witnesses have going for them). My parents eventually strove for position within the society. Before it was all said and done, my dad was an Elder (highest position held in the congregation) and my mom was a regular pioneer (which means she put in 90 hours each month going door to door or as they call it, "out in service") Chapter 2 From the time I was a young girl, my parents took me "out in service". I would actually go to people's doors and share the "good news". The good news being that we could all live forever on a paradise earth. The "new system" as we called it. I always read to them from my bible, Revelation 21:4. The way to attain eternal life was of course by being a Jehovah's Witness. Witnesses believe in Jesus Christ and he is preached about, Jesus as a sacrifice and dieing for us is there, but it's not the key element of this religion. Witnesses do not believe in the trinity. They believe that Jesus was first Michael the archangel and that he was a human sacrifice for obedient people. I just read that on their own website. I find it curious because I was wondering how they interpret Jesus as a sacrifice but dismiss others who believe in Jesus. This is how. He was a sacrifice for "obedient" people (aka Jehovah's Witnesses). They also use the scriptures that talks about the narrow road and that few will enter, and another in Eph. that says we are called into one faith. They deny the trinity because it can't be understood and believe Jesus was resurrected as a spirit being. They honor his death by celebrating the "memorial of Christ's death" every year, but place no significance on his resurrection. I remember questioning my mom about my grandparents (my dad's parents). My wonderful, kind, God fearing, Lutheran grandparents. "No", I was told, they would not be with us in paradise. I cried and cried and cried and my mom held me and told me this is why we needed to witness to them. Witnessing door to door was key to being a witness. You were not a witness who did not go door to door. There was no such thing. Every witness was required to put in at least 10 hours a month "out in service". This is how the organization grows. People don't pop in to visit the Kingdom Hall, they are scouted out. They have actual territories. Each Kingdom Hall is designated an area and that area is broken down into territories. The territories are put on an index card and laminated and you "check out" a territory like you would a library book. You keep a record of each address you go to. Not interested, not home, etc. Once someone shows interest they become an "RV" or return visit. If they accept publications from you, they are a return visit. You work this territory until it's complete and then you turn it in and check out another. The goal of a return visit is that you begin a bible study with them. Ironically very little is from the bible, but rather a Watchtower publication. When I was a Witness it was the book, "The Truth That Leads to Eternal Life". Scripture is referenced, but it is taken out of context and used to serve the purpose of the teaching. Jehovah's Witnesses believe (and are taught) that their organization is God's Theocratic Kingdom established here on earth. Which is also why they believe you have to belong to it to be saved. But because the "society" is God's established earthly kingdom, it is not to be questioned. Only the "society" is able to interpret bible text, which I'm sure is why so many don't bother to check it out themselves. You're sort of lulled into believing that you are always in God's word, when in reality, you're only where they want you to be. After I was no longer a witness I started researching and what I discovered was that people who leave the organization often did so because they finally did start discovering the horrible discrepancies they were being taught. Even today, my dad, who is no longer a witness, but not a Christian, thinks he is armed with so much biblical knowledge because of his years as a witness. It is so sad. I remember being at the Kingdom Hall for a Theocratic Ministry School meeting. This was sort of a teaching ground for how to go door to door and what to say in different situations. Every member was involved in this. Every six months or so you would be assigned a meeting and given a topic where you would do a 3-6 minute demonstration on how to witness to someone on that topic. I loved doing these. (the drama queen in me probably... ;) ) Then afterwards the person running the meeting would sort of critique you. Offer up additional things that could have been added, what they thought you did especially well, things you could have done differently. Anyway.... I remember the elder posing a question to the congregation, trying to get them to think about how loyal they were to the organization. What he was really asking was how much did they trust that the organization to interpret the bible for us and to be the prophet of God. He asked if tomorrow the society said it was wrong to drink coffee, would they question that or would they gladly give up coffee. I think that is the thing that made me stop and think how strange and wrong that all sounded. Another governing value of the Jehovah's Witnesses is their association with people who are not Witnesses. The scripture used to support their segregation is the one that says "bad association spoils useful habits." Heard it all my life. (hmm...can't find that scripture now. Well anyway, that's the way it read in the JW translation) When I was in 4th and 5th grade I had a best friend who happened to NOT be a witness. We were the only witnesses in our small town in IA so I didn't go to school with any other witnesses. This posed a real problem for my parents. Best friends are important to little girls, especially at that age. It's almost like when you fall in love...it just can't be prevented. Of course I was invited to spend the night with my best friend. You wouldn't believe the begging that had to be done for this to happen. I found it so frustrating that my parents assumed that because she wasn't a JW, she was somehow bad. Because I of course felt otherwise. My parents finally relented and I was allowed to spend the night, but I had to promise I would spend some of my time with her witnessing to her. I was so nervous and anxious about this, that I packed NOTHING in my suitcase except my, "My book of bible stories", a JW publication. When I arrived at my friends house her cousin (who was also our age) was also there and of course the first thing they want to do is open my suitcase and see what I brought. I suddenly realized they would find nothing but my book and I was not ready for that. They couldn't understand why that was the only thing I brought and I explained I would tell them later. This incident, until a year and a half ago, was one of the most humiliating moments of my life. (I will talk more on that later) I remember laying in bed that night with my friend telling her that she wasn't going to heaven like she thought. And that unless she was a Jehovah's witness, she wouldn't live on paradise earth either. It made her sad, it made me sad. I didn't want to be saying it, but I had promised my parents and I knew I was supposed to. Of course this wasn't the best witnessing approach to take, but I was 9 for crying out loud. This incident came to my mind a lot when as an adult who was no longer a witness, I would look back on my childhood as a JW. My mom feels so badly about this now and believes it was really abuse. Okay, well my thoughts are coming too quickly now and I feel like I need to pray for God's hand on what I say further, so I will continue on Monday, or later tonight if I feel lead. Chapter 3 When I was going into 5th grade, my family moved back to our hometown in NE. I remember my cousin wanted me to be in his class, but instead my parents requested I be put into the class with the other fifth grade Jehovah's Witness. And to be frank, he wasn't someone I wanted to claim, but at least the class already knew that I wouldn't be celebrating holidays or birthdays or saying the pledge of allegiance. When I got into sixth grade, I came home excitedly one day after school and thrust basketball papers in front of my mom and told her I was going to try out for basketball. She looked at me sadly and said, "No honey you can't." "Why?" "Because it's an extracurricular activity." Again, goes back to the association thing and being around people who aren't witnesses. Also Witnesses frowned on competitive activities. At any rate, "extracurricular activity" was not a phrase my mom made up. It's a general "rule" of the witnesses that you don't participate in "extracurricular activities". I'm sure you could find plenty a Watchtower article discussing it. I asked to be in band that same year and was also told no. Of course by the time I got to high school I didn't ask anymore. I was never angry about these things. Disappointed maybe, but I never thought to question it. I was always very respectful of my parents and very compliant and wanting to please them. The year I was 14, things started to spiral out of control for my parents. Primarily my mom. The controlling religion they had made themselves a part of had kept them out of trouble for a long time, but it could only keep my mom's raging alcoholism at bay for so long. That year my great grandma died. This was very emotionally difficult for my mom because her grandma had been more like her mother. Her own parents were alcoholics and she had been pretty much left to her own accord by them. Thank the Lord for stable loving grandparents. I had a couple of my own. My mom started suffering from migraines after her death and probably secretly drinking. I'm really fuzzy on how she came to the decisions she did. I do remember out of character behavior that I was very uncomfortable with. Being the oldest it was partly inborn and partly typical behavior of a child who has dysfunctional parents. My parents were listening to a local rock and roll station that me and my friends listened to. That bothered me. My mom took me to a slumber party a girl from school was having, I was glad about that, but thought it strange, since this sort of thing wasn't really allowed. She didn't let me stay, instead she took all the girls from the party and took us "cruising" down Main St. of our small town. We were in heaven. She passed around her beer for all the girls to drink. They thought she was great, I was embarrassed. I remember one time when we were at the beach (we had a season pass to a local beach near our house) a strange man was "talking" with my mom and she offered to give him a ride home in a different town. By this time my dad was checking the odometer reading on our vehicle to keep track of his wife. I thought driving a strange man home was inappropriate and I knew my dad would not approve. It made me angry that my mom was making such a poor choice. I was probably 15 at this time. Then the horrible night came. My mom went down to a local bar in our town, got drunk, went home with some guy she met at the bar and then was later picked up by the police and charged with a DWI. I don't remember her coming home after that. I'm not sure where she went, but I remember my dad telling me about it. I know I cried, but I really think I was numb at that moment. I was very angry, but I wasn't sure who to be angry with. It was very confusing and upsetting. My mom went to an in house treatment center eventually as ordered by the court. She must have come home in between that time because at some point she met with the elders. It was determined she was not repentant and she was disfellowshipped. I remember a friend of my parents coming to see her before the announcement was made because they wouldn't be able to talk to her afterward. It was very awkward. I think my mom pretended her intention was to come back immediately. After she jumped through the right JW hoops. Maybe that's why she went to in house treatment. And maybe she wasn't pretending. Maybe that is what she hoped for too. But it never happened. My mom met someone in treatment and she told my dad she wasn't coming home. I will really never understand how you can leave your children, but I don't understand what it is to be addicted to alcohol either and what I do know is that leaving us is probably much harder for my mom to deal with now then it is for me. My dad was not in great shape either of course. When my parents divorced, he sold his half of his business to his partner and took a job in Kansas. I believe he did this because he didn't want to be a witness anymore and moving us away from everyone he was accountable to was a way to make that easier to occur. He had been removed as an elder after my mom was disfellowshipped. I was halfway through my sophomore year of high school when we moved. Amazingly despite not being allowed to participate in any activities, attend school dances, go to sporting events, or date, I was still very popular among my classmates and had a lot of fun at school. It was probably my escape. It also helped that my class had about 150 kids in it. The school in Kansas had about a thousand kids in it. Needless to say I was depressed, lonely, and did not fit in. I barely went to school the rest of my sophomore year and my junior year. I always marvel that I actually graduated on time. My dad worked nights for quite awhile. Although I don't remember him being home during the day when I would skip. He was clueless. We never saw him and I was raising my two sisters and my brother. Literally. I took them to the Kingdom Hall. I took them "out in service". I took them to get haircuts and paid for it with my McDonald's paycheck. I cooked. I did the grocery shopping. Meanwhile, my dad was doing cocaine and being generally self destructive. I remember one time him telling me that he didn't have any money to give me for groceries because he had cashed his paycheck and it blew out of his pocket while he was riding on the back of a friends motorcycle. Up his nose more like. I can't tell you how many times our electricity or phone got shut off. Not long after we moved to KS, my dad wrote a letter to "the society" and asked to disassociate himself. He didn't have to explain anything to anyone that way. Eventually I could no longer take it and I told my dad that I was leaving and going back to NE to live with my mom. She had remarried (to a drunk) and was living in Omaha. I remember telling him the only reason he would care if I left is because he wouldn't have anyone to take care of the kids. My dad came to his senses at that moment and we all moved back. He moved with the younger kids into his parents house and I moved in with my mom. Good place to stop. Thanks for letting me share this you guys and for reading it. It's been very therapeutic!
page created July 15, 2003