Lisa shared her testimony at our 100th board "birthday party" Feb 15, 2002: "Slow Learner" To give you an idea of why I have given my story and therefore myself this title, we need to do some time travel to the late 1960s. This is when I arrived in the world. I was born into a family the world would describe as dysfunctional. (Whose isnt?) My father was a police officer who worked rotating shifts, my mother stayed home, and my four siblings were already in school. My father had an explosive temper. He alternated between beating us and ignoring us. I personally was not beaten, but I watched several times as my mother and two of my siblings were. I can not put into words how awful it was. I felt totally worthless and hated myself for doing nothing to help them. This was a lie Satan fed me for years. If anyone out there knows how a 8 or 9 year old child is supposed to stop the violence of a huge and angry man, please let me know. Today I know my mother loves all of dearly, but during our growing up years, she was just in i. survival mode. It was impossible for her to give very much to us. My family was Catholic, though not particularly devout. We went to church when it was convenient for us. I attended CCD classes on Saturdays, and achieved all of the required sacraments. In all the time I was there, I never once heard it was possible to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I didnt get one thing out of going to church, CCD, or even three years of Catholic school. However, some of my relatives are intimately involved with the Catholic church today and I absolutely see God in them. I would never say anything disrespectful about the Catholic church. When I was 11, my dad moved out. He had been having an affair and he left to move in with his girlfriend. My parents had been married 27 years. They divorced the following year. Some of the other kids were already out of the house. My mother had her hands full and wasnt able to provide me with much in the way of guidance and discipline. By 14, I was getting drunk on ow regular basis. I was lost and hurting. By 17, I had started experimenting with marijuana with a certain friend. But I was also blessed with a new friend I had met my junior year of high school. She was church-going and perhaps a bit dorky, but when I was around her I had no desire to live that other kind of lifestyle. I graduated from high school in 1986, absolutely lost. I had no idea who I was or what I wanted to do with my life. It was at this time that I developed my first severe clinical depression. For the next 15 years, I experienced severe depression every one to three years. Satan told me all kinds of lies, and I didnt have the strength to fight him. he told me I was worthless and everyone would be better off without me. Although I never attempted suicide, I thought about it many, many times. Every time I got depressed, I would run to a counselor who would offer to put me on anti-depressants and rehash my childhood. It never made me feel better. Little did I know what I needed was there for the taking. No one ever mentioned Jesus or the power of forgiveness. At 19, I moved in with my boyfriend. He was a drug abuser who took control of my life. My family was devastated. We lived together for six months, and there was not one single day we did not get high, drunk, or something else. At 22, I quit drinking and drugs for good. By the grace of God, I have been free of all mind-altering substances since May 16, 1990. At that time I began attending AA meetings and for the first time in my life felt the real presence of God in my life. It was wonderful, but it didnt go far enough. God could be any "Higher Power" you chose. I remember thinking at that time "I want to know Jesus" but I thought anything church-related was strange, so I just ignored the thought. When I was 24, I got some very interesting junk mail one day. It was for a dating service. I still dont know what made me fill out the card and send it in. They called several days later. I caved into the high-pressure sales tactics and went in and bought a membership. I immediately knew I had spent too much money and was going to cancel the membership. God had other plans. What I did do was let them talk me into the most inexpensive membership they had. I only had three months to choose guys, then I would have to sit back and let them choose me. So I got right to work! I went into their office to look at the books. I decided (actually, I think God decided) to start at the back of the book. All members were listed alphabetically by their first names. My husbands name begins with a "W". I saw his profile and nearly started flipping cartwheels right then and there. He was the one. I knew it. That night I skipped through the grocery store aisles humming something like "Today I met the man Im going to marry." We met shortly afterwards and it was indeed love at first sight. I was absolutely struck by his strong Christian character. I had never met a man like him. I wanted that for myself. Also, I still kept in contact with my high school friend who by this time had left the Catholic church and been born again. What I saw in the two of them just turned me on. I was baptized four months after I met my husband. I was convinced my reasons were right, but I see now that I moved too quickly and really had no understanding of what being a Christian meant. My husband had prayed with me to receive Jesus two months after we met, so I thought I was ready. After about a year, the novelty had wore off and I was just along for the ride. Although I really did want to be a Christian, I had not changed on the inside. I had not surrendered my will. My heart was only half-way in it. I didnt want to put forth any effort. We were married in 1995. It nagged at me that I was a hypocrite and a fake but I pushed it out of my mind and continued to put on pretenses. Satan had me tied up into balls of confusion all those years. Finally, I couldnt take it anymore and announced to my husband I would no longer be going to church with him. This was in early 2001. I told him it just wasnt me and I wasnt going to try to force myself into the mold any longer. I assured him I loved him, but warned him he had better give me my space. I thought I was liberating myself to be the "real" me. Instead, everything started falling apart around me. I had lost 50 pounds the year before, and suddenly I couldnt stop eating to save my life. My husband and I became distant. Oh, how that hurt. He is the love of my life and I couldnt believe what was happening. In July 2001 I fell into one of my worst depressions yet. My thinking was extremely disturbed. We had two children by then, and I was in no position to care for them. So once again I ran to counseling and anti-depressants. I never stopped searching. I just thought there must be some other answer. It couldnt be Jesus, it just couldnt be. Wasnt he just some mean ogre like my dad? My searching lead me to the website www.losingmyreligion.com. There I read the stories of others who had left the faith, and briefly felt redeemed. Then I experienced the most hollow feeling Ive ever had in my life. So there is no God. What now? One of my sisters had become a Christian several years ago, and during this time she never gave up on me. We talk frequently via email, and she would make comments like she couldnt imagine what she would do without her church family. I just rolled my eyes and kept reading. But one day I was in enough pain to at least ponder something she had said. She said she had a lot of questions and doubts at first, but that she talked to people about them. It was a simple statement but it made sense. Have you heard of the Biblical passage which talks about only needing the faith of (a) mustard seed? Thats all I had, but it was enough for God. I saw that my stubbornness was getting me no where. My mind and heart started to open. I began to be flooded with the Holy Spirit. That very night I went to my husband and told him I wanted to go back to church. It had been nearly a year since I had been there last. I asked him to pray for me right then, for the resistance to be removed from me. Not too much later, I finally surrendered my will to God. (See what I mean about being a slow learner? I had been around the church and Christian people for over nine years by now.) I have not been the same since.