I'm not quite sure where to start... (very long) So Ill start at the beginning. I was born into a military family (my dad was in the Coast Guard for 26) years. My dad was definitely a military personality;. very strict, very unapproachable. As far as Christianity in our home, we went to church every Sunday with our mom, but dad very rarely ever went. We were raised Catholic, and mom made sure that we got to every mass, without fail. This served me well during my childhood. It was stable and comforting, and that was what I needed at that time. As I became a young teenager, I started to question things. I started to question who I was and why I had the family I did. I guess all teens do that at one point or another. I would have to say, however, that I was closer to God at that point than I was with any person I knew here on earth. I felt like I was just a speck on the wall to everyone else (as a result of a childhood where I was painfully shy). However, I was important to God, and He was my friend. Im not quite sure where things changed. I continued to go to church, and I continued to question things, but somewhere along the way I broke out of my shell. I think it was that last day of 8th grade where the girl who had been harassing me the entire way through junior high school finally got under my skin. I got her suspended, and she got me some guts. I wouldnt say that I became part of the popular crowd, but I became outgoing and unafraid. I was rather pretty, but I didnt know it until then. I finally realized that there was something more to me than home, school, and church. Going into high school, I became involved in things like choir, drama, track, etc. Because of the fact that I was very much aware how doing things that my peers were doing put me in a position that I very much wanted to be in, I even did a bit of drinking and smoking as a high school freshman. Drugs never entered the picture, although I suspect they could have if someone had offered. I also ended up joining a club at school called Teen Institute. They performed skits and gave informational presentations for other schools and community groups about the dangers of drug and alcohol use. I didnt want to be a hypicrite, so I didnt touch alcohol any further during high school. I thank God for putting me with T.I. during high school, because I firmly believe it kept me from being sucked into that mess further. This was also the year that I met a young man in study hall who would forever be a part of my life. His name was Bob. I thought he was really cute, funny, and dressed nice. (Shows you where my priorities were then.) I didnt know about his life with or without God, and somehow I didnt care. I continued to go to church, but I cant necessarily say that it was because I was interested in my salvation or anyone elses. I think I continued going #1: because my mom made me (my dad had started attending also), and #2: because their was a couple of priests there who made it interesting. Bob and I started dating in April of 1983, and he remained my priority from that point on. I did other things, but there was more than one occasion where I chose spending time with him rather than studying or being with my family. Our contact with each other remained fairly safe for the most part, but that slowly changed over the years we were dating. For whatever reason, I was allowed to spend the night at his house on occasion, a mistake on the part of his mom and my parents. On the occasion of his senior prom (he was a year older than me), I lost my virginity at the age of 16. I wasnt planning on it, but somehow it ended up being more than a one-time occurrence. In September of 1986, I became pregnant with my first child. Our daughter, Meryl Marie Smith was born on June 11, 1987. This was one day after graduating from high school, one week before I turned 18, and one month before getting married. Where did God fit into this whole picture? Well, I He was still there, although I wouldnt say I was walking the walk or talking the talk. Bob and I were married in the Catholic church and Meryl was christened there. He attended church there with me for a short time, although his attendance became non-existent within a few months. I thought maybe he would come with me if I attended a church he wanted to go to, so we started attending the church his grandmother went to. He did attend with me for a while, but then his work schedule changed, so he wasnt available on Sunday mornings. I kept going, but something was tugging at my heart. Something wasnt right there, but I didnt know what I was looking for. The people were nice, so I stayed. But my priority really wasnt God. My main focus was not being a statistic. I so wanted people to look at me and not have doubts about my ability as a mother. I wanted people to know that although I was a teen parent, I was just as good as they were. (Meryl made this easy; she was such a good baby.) Towards this goal, I started attending classes at the local community college starting a few months after our marriage. After switching programs twice, I ended up sticking with a Mechanical Design curriculum. I didnt know what I was doing, but I enjoyed it, and I did fairly well. During my time in school, we had two more daughters, all the while living with my mother-in-law. (Thats a different testimony for a different day.) Neither pregnancy was received well, although family grew accustomed to the idea over time. It was sad for me, however, that all of my pregnancies were greeted with Oh no, what are you going to do! instead of Congratulations! When are you due?. I think that this was the point that I vowed never to feel sorry for someone who was expecting a baby. In January of 1991, I was blessed to be selected as a student intern at NASA Lewis Research Center in Cleveland (now called Glenn Research Center). I was in the final year of my education, and the internship allowed me to go to school for a quarter, and then work for a quarter. I chose to do both at the same time, which left me working, going to school, and raising 2 girls. At the end of my quarter there, I became pregnant with my third daughter. I continued going to school. I got asked to continue as an intern at NASA. I continued playing perfect little mommy even though my stress level made me feel like screaming all the time. My husband refused to get up with the babies., which also meant I didnt get enough sleep. My mother-in-law was never satisfied with the state of her house, which meant that I had to do all the picking up too. (I wasnt very good at it.) Then things really began to change, not necessarily for the better. I graduated from college in December of 1992 with an A.A.S. in Mechanical Design as well as a Certificate of Proficiency as a Computer Aided Drafter. I was thrilled, because this meant that I had showed everyone who had ever doubted me. Although I ended up delivering pizza for a time, I started my first job in my field of choice in June of 1993. This meant that we had to move an hour and a half away from our families, but I didnt care. We rented a duplex in the town where my new job was at, and we were finally on our own. My marriage wasnt doing very well, my husband wasnt going to church, and I was acting on my own interests rather than that of my family. My middle daughter was 4 years old and far more than I could handle. I wasnt going to let her run my life, however, and I started an ever-increasing path of violence in an attempt to control her. With my husband being less than the mature, responsible man I hoped he would become, I became distant and angry. I ended up in a physical relationship with my boss, which I thought would make things seem better for me. I was still going to church the whole time at a congregation of the same denomination I had left. I wasnt sure it was quite where I wanted to be, but it didnt matter. The people were nice. We were financially unstable at that time, and they willingly gave us food and clothing on a regular basis. In May of 1995 God made his will known. The duplex we were living in was sold, and the purchaser wanted to move into our half. We had 30 days to find a place to live. Not too long afterwards, we found a house in Canton, Ohio, that we could buy on land contract. It needed some work, but the management company that was overseeing the sale was doing some of the work. I figured that we could take one task at a time and get things fixed over 2-3 years. It didnt work out that way. 5 days before our 30 days was up, the house was condemned. We had no choice but to move back to my mother-in-laws house. I was devastated. I didnt understand. I continued to work, and I drove an hour and 15 minutes to get there (one way). I did this for 2 months before I found a job closer to home (making almost 20% more in salary). There was a lady at this new job who I could tell was a Christian. Something drew me to her. I asked her to go to lunch with me one day, and I proceeded to ask her about her testimony. She indeed was a Christian, although she hadnt become saved (a word I knew but didnt really understand) until well into her adult life. She was attending a non-denominational church in our area, and invited me to join her. I had been church-hopping since our move as my spiritual hunger was growing by the day. I hadnt found anything that answered my questions, so I figured it wouldnt hurt to visit. One visit, and I left with my salvation insured. I left knowing what a relationship with Christ was all about. I wont say that the time since my salvation has been trouble-free. My husband has not taken my faith well. My marriage isnt what I would call the Brady Bunch variety. My troubles with my middle daughter led to abuse, much related to my internal need to be in complete control of my life. I so much wanted to have her be the perfect child that even after my salvation, even after she was diagnosed with ADHD, I continued the cycle of hurting her more and more just to show her who was boss. The pattern of abuse became so a part of my life that I was completely unable to stop, although my newfound conviction made me want it badly. I would beat her, and then I would cry uncontrollably. It was like tunnel vision: I could see where I wanted to be, but I wasnt able to reach out for it. I would tell myself that I would never do it again, but then she would do things that were so far above and beyond what I could handle, I resorted to violence again. It wasnt until I truly turned it over to the Lord and let him handle it that I this was supernaturally removed from my life. What had gone on for 7 years, the Lord slowly removed from me over the period of a year. It went from every day, to every week, to every month, to every 2-3 months, and then it stopped. I look back now and I can truly see the hand of the Lord. I know that if I hadnt been so proud that he could have made the path smooth for me a lot sooner. I didnt listen to his calling though , which left me in sin and heartache. When I wouldnt remove the sin from my life, he removed my life from the sin. I know that he has great things in store for me, and I am grateful. I look forward to serving him at home, at work, in the community, and wherever he wants to take me. I know that the Lord is going to preserve my marriage (14.5 years at this point) and that he will bring my husband to his feet. I know that his hand has been all over us as we have struggled to deal with my dds ADHD. I know that his hand continues to lift up my oldest dd as she comes to know him in a deeper way, longing to serve him abroad. We havent mastered the Brady Bunch approach to family life, but I know that He can. Im psyched for our future! I actually left a lot out, but I apologize for the length of this. Thank you for your patience, if you made it this far! In Christ, Dawn