Over 400 years ago, the sole
survivor of an attack of the Singh
pirates was washed up on the
shores of Bangalla . Found and
nursed back to health by a
friendly pygmy tribe, the Bandar,
he came upon the body of his
father's killer. Upon the skull of
the pirate, Kit Walker swore the
Phantom Oath in which he would
devote his life to fighting piracy
and injustice and his son and his
son's sons would follow him.
Aided by his two animal
companions - Hero, the White
Stallion and Devil his faithful
Mountain Wolf with eyes of
shining green; generations later,
the legacy of The Phantom lives
on.
Through the past 5 centuries, as
son has followed father, the
legends have grown. The natives
believe he is the same man. The
Phantom has many names.
Among them, Guardian of the
Eastern Dakk (Also called the
Eastern Dark),The Ghost Who
Walks, and The Man Who
Cannot Die.
If you have a question or have
just over heard a conversation
down the pub that could be
tomorrows headlines ask the
Phantom for his
advice..................
RETURN TO HOMEPAGE
Whistler/Blackcombe may be safe but
who's patrolling the Park, Golden Lion,
Commercial area of Pudsey?
Asks Dan Hbos
|
|
Name : Crown Princess Katy
Location : Punt Palace
Question For The Phantom! : me and my friends are thinking of taking part in medical trials ... do you think its a wise idea oh purple one?
Dear Crown Princess Katy,
Lovely to hear from you your highness, it is indeed an honour. Regarding this medical experimentation idea of yours - not sure it's a good idea. Not because I feel it may do you harm personally, it's just that most Royal families are so inbred that the results gained from subjects such as yourself may go so far as to be misleading to the medical profession, primarily due to your gross genetic malformity.
Granted it may be nothing that is visible on the surface though. To look at I'm sure you are as beautiful as the tales and legends describe, but on the inside it's highly likely that your genetic make up and DNA structure is so far from what is considered normal for a human being that the results are more akin to kanids (that's dogs and the like to the lay-person) or fish.
As for your friends I would also deter them from taking part in such tests as, shocking as this may sound, if they are from the locale of the palace, they are likely as not related to you. All in all, as much as I love animals, I'd keep this testing thing to the rats. They have no nervous system you know and carry nothing but disease ridden fleas. One only has to look at the European plagues over the past 1000 or so years to find the common denominator. These filthy little b*stards scurry around the places where we live, eat our food, nibble our furniture, cr*p all over our kitchens and cellars and keep us awake at night with their constant scurrying and scratching noises from when they're shagging in our attics, shooting their filthy "rat-fat" all over my board games that are up there, the FILTHY, DIRTY, LITTLE VERMIN - THEY DESERVE TO DIE DON"T YOU SEE?????
When I'm next in the neighbourhood I'll pop my purple head into the Punt Palace, it's been too long.
------------------------------------------------
Name : Frank Etish
Question For The Phantom! : Hello Mr Phantom, Im a really big fan of all things purple and wondered if you could let me have some of your soiled, old suits. please say yes and Ill let you have my forwarding address. thankyou.
Dear Frank,
reading your query I was at first extremely flattered. Requests such as yours are all too rare. It's nice to be appreciated for the work I perform. As I read on however I was disturbed to find that you wish for "soiled" old suits?? This leads me to the decision that you are in fact a filthy little perverted man who likes to sniff dirty leotards. Your lack of morality disgusts me and I am only glad that I do not have any daughters that do gymnastics as if I did I'd be very angry indeed. It's people like you that give well-meaning superheros like myself a bad name. There are some people out there that think all us lycra/spandex clad crime-fighters are wierd and just normal blokes and women who like to dress up, well frankly it's just not true! Do you know how many times I hear "Oy, nice tights queerboy!" or "Not that cold out is it?" There's nothing more distracting than trying to fight crime and piracy with the sound of derisary laughter in your ears and it's all down to pervs like you - you make me puke! Pedo.
Please send a forwarding address anyway and I'll send some fellas round to make you soil your own suit. Quonk.
ps Frank, it's worth trying the big dustbins outside theatres, the dancers sometimes throw them away after a particularly sweaty rehearsal. A fella down the boozer once told me.
-----------------------------------------
Name: Mel
Location :Phnom Penh
Question For The Phantom! : Phantom I am sure we will become exstinct
before global warming blows up the planet and was interested in you
ideas as to what you think will kill us all in the end.
Mel....
it is indeed a question that many Philosophers, Theologists, drunks and
potheads have tried to answer. Unfortunately as a lowly crime-fighter I
do
not have the power of foresight to such a degree that I know what is
going
to happen. All I do know is that if we keep polluting our planet as
much as
we are at present, we are in deep pup. Global Warming is merely one
side
effect of the terrible things we are doing to our planet.
One only has
to
look at the disasters of recent years to get a glimpse of the horror
that
could befall our planet - The Chernobyl Fallout, The destruction of
Monserrat, earthquakes in Turkey, flooding in Angola, stopping free
milk for
primary school kids and Noel's House Party. All horrific events indeed.
Personally, if half the lunatics I have to deal with everyday had their
way,
we'd all be destroyed by "Plasma-Rays", Small Globes that circle our
planet
dispensing poisened gas onto cities, our own nuclear weapons that
someone
steals and then uses to try and start world war 3, huge indestructible
space
stations with weapons powerful enough to destroy an entire star system,
the
list goes on. Thankfully neither I nor my fellow crime fighters and
superhero mates will allow that to happen.
To be perfectly honest Mel, I can't see the end of the world coming any
time
soon. But, (and it's a big butt) We must start looking after what we
have
here on earth, because the alternatives don't look pretty. It's young,
fresh
people such as yourself with a fresh outlook, fresh ideas and a fresh
vision
of the world that must lead the turn around and stem the flow of this
endless ravaging of our planet. Go forth Mel.....for 'tis your
destineeeeeeeeeeee.
---------------------------------------
Name : P.Reaney
Location : Leeds
Message : peace man
Question For The Phantom! : Dear Phantom can you explain the shortage
of White Dog Poo around the streets of the UK. a friend of mine tells
me
it is infact Fox Poo and that the shortage is due to a change in the
Foxs diet. is he right or am i right in thinking he is a lying twa...
Hello P.Reaney, your name rings a bell but I'm afraid I can't quite
remember
where from. A very good question indeed, what did happen to all that
white
K9 excrement we... [ahem].. you used to see on the streets? Firstly I
believe your friend to be incorrect in his theory that it was in fact
fox
turds and that their diet has now changed. Fox's only have a small anus
and
thus cannot expel jobbies of the size that....erm...one of my friends
says
he used to see on the streets of Leeds.
I understand that this phenomenom resulted from a lack of street
cleanliness. Dog-logs would lay baking in the sun for so long that they
would eventually fossilize and in fact turn into chalk.
This explains
how so
many children were able to pick them up and write their names on trees
with
them, and schools (low on budget for such consumable commodities) would
send
out their caretakers to collect random fossil "Douglas's" to use in
their
classrooms. This was indeed a popular source of chalk several years
ago.
Indeed one only had to watch the weightlifting on Grandstand and one
would
notice that none of the weightlifters, after "chalking" their hands and
making a lift, would put their hands anywhere near their noses. This
arises
because even though they turn into chalk, the smell remains.
Another popular story comes from my Australian friends who believe that
the
white poo actually came from Shane Warne, as his "Richard III's" are
pure
white and have no smell whatsoever. I doubt the validity of this theory
but
it is quite amusing nonetheless.
Anyway, due to stricter street hygiene requirements, these "chalk bum
cigars" are nowhere to be seen as they are cleared away before given
the
chance to fossilize. I understand however that they are taken to a
special
place, allowed to fossilize, crushed and put to use in marking out
rugby
pitches in Wigan. I have no evidence to support this however.
-----------------------------------------
Name : pl
Location : tong
Question For The Phantom! : Dear Phantom Who exactly is the phantom?
Is he just some cheap copy of superman or spiderman? What powers does
he have? To be honest i doubt he even exists and is a figment of a rather
sad imagination. If you could prove me wrong please do. As for purpl
PL.
As you say you live in Tong, you obviously live in Farnley somewhere
and are too embarassed to admit it. Personally I find your lack of faith
disturbing and I am actually very offended.
As for evidence of whether I really exist or not.......ever wondered
why your missus is always tired when you get home from work?
----------------------------------------
Ow do te Phantom, me 'n' r kes think you're proper boooooo a tell thi!
Reason why 'Craaaaaig Daaaaavid' is tekin time to contact thi, when a
should be mekin love as it's only thusday, un-like them Bangles a chill
on a Sundi when they av the fun-day, fair do's eh.
Reet 'o', anyway
down
to mi little problem, i can't stop pissin' mi sen, sea Craiig Daaaavid
is currently ont tour wi Maria Carey, she's a scorcher a tell thi, av
even seen her jugs too. Any ow i can't wear mi piss sack ont stage can
a? Tuther neet in Lass Vegas aka "lost wages" i was int middle of mi
hit
track "Seven Days", you all know it....i ad crowd in mi hand when
floodgates opened, proper b*stard! House lights came on an i ad a
puddle
under mi Hi-Tek silver shadow. Even Annie Lennox, who's a big Craaaaaig
Daaaavid fan was laughin from side a stage, all crowd were mekin
tssssssss sound, i ad to sod off before i even got to mi chillin bit,
proper bad!
Now every show i av to av a cleaner on stand by, am i pissin laughin
stock. Not te mention all eckles and piss sacks thrown ont stage. Reet
'o' gotta go, r kes fancies some boooooze, best go put mi piss sack on.
So Phantom, what can a do? am proper peed off a tell thi.
Bo Selecta!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
From:CD uk garbage sensation Craaaaiiiiig David
Location:extracting the urine, Stateside
Dear Craaaaiiiiig,
from what I can make out from your seemingly strong, ancient dialect it
indeed sounds an embarassing problem you suffer from. I see several
avenues
that you can go down, see which one wets your appetite (sorry, no pun
intended).
1) You could simply wear slacker pants and hide your bag down the leg
of
your trousers. I remember an artist several years ago, MC Hummer or
something, who cut quite a dash in his exceptionally baggy, lame pants.
That
way you could make a fashion statement and also avoid any stage dousing
incidents.
2) Stay off the fluids prior to a show. I understand that you Garage
Sensaaaaations need to drink plenty of water to avoid dehydration but
it may
be worth incorporating a less vigorous dance routine with your
choreographer
so you can avoid excessive fluid intake prior to a show.
3) I have seen several pop videos and shows incorporating shower-like
water
effects into the dance numbers and songs. It may take some organising,
but
why not have such an arrangment ready, just in case you find the
floodgates
opening. A quick nod to the stage manager and woosh, everyone on stage
is
instantly getting wet. This way you get a fantastic stage show, and the
chance to drain the main vein in complete secrecy. As your entire
outfit
would be wet - no-one would be any the wiser.
4) Incorporate a nice piano based ballad into your set. You could then
sit
at the piano, strategically angled so the crowd can't see your groin,
whip
out the old fella, then while you're crooning, tinkle into a tube
that's
cunningly strapped to the piano stool leg. Just try and avoid the
"uurgh"
and "aaah" noises that usually accompany taking a leak.
I find your dialect very interesting Craaiiig, erm....it's Proper Boooo
a
tell thi! I hope I did that right.
Are you doing any gigs near Bengala when you've done in Vegas? Me and
the
lads in the jungle would love to see Mariah...oh and you obviously.
P.
---------------------------------------------
Dear Phantom, Were you aware of the latest tragedy to hit the town of Pudsey where independent sports retailers Carlin/Merlin Sports has shut down? Where will the good people of Pudsey buy their sportswear from now on?
From:Ali Mahabarat Location:Lidget Hill, Pudsey.
Ali,
it is indeed tragic that the purveyor of the finest sporting goods in
Northern England has finally had to close it's doors. (It was always a
bit
pricey for my liking anyway!) Fear not though, for Frank Harrison has
still
got his shop over the road on Lidget Hill which will certainly satisfy
the
needs of those requiring sports equipment for their school PE lessons.
As
for the more mature members of the sporting fraternity, ASDA at the
Owlcotes
Centre stock a fine selection of sporting equipment. I agree that it
may not
cater for the specialist sportsmen and women out there, but for your
basic
sporting equipment it provides a good selection and excellent value. I
understand that several merchants in the locality also stock fine
sports
goods. Chevin Cycles in Otley should stock everything that the avid
cyclist
should ever need, Bulldog Sports on Burley Road can satisfy all your
rugby
needs. There's also a running shop in Headingley, the name of which
escapes
me, which is really good. I [ahem] erm....I mean a friend of mine
bought his
Nike running shoes from there - very professional service apparently,
very
knowledgable too. As for football, I understand that to be a game for
tarts
and so you should try Elizabeth Arden or even the Scarlet Poppy for
things
that will make all footballers feel right at home.
A sad day for sports and recreational retailing in the West Riding to
be
sure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Phantom, I am currently planning on
taking over the world and eventually becoming lord of the universe. I
wonder if you have any tips and if you or any of your friends from the
good side will be on holiday or busy in the next few weeks.
A Question From The Dampener.
Dear Dampener,
Your egomania is disturbing, but I find the fact that you wish to take
over the world before attempting to become Lord of the Universe a sensible
move. Career Planning is a vastly underrated method at providing a balanced
progression through your chosen profession, and should be considered
even for the most hardened criminal mastermind hell-bent on Universal
domination.
As for tips, well I'd say "be original": Avoid the use of large lasers,
religious relics, deadly gases from space, "fake" nuclear attacks,
spreading virus' etc. as they've all been done; and to be honest Dampener, we
deal with that sort of mind numbing drudgery every day and it gets tedious.
What we crime fighters need is a challenge, something to make us think and
"expand the envelope". As for holidays (thanks for asking by the way), I am thinking of trying to squeeze in a couple of days vacation somewhere, I hear the fishing at Filey Brigg is especially good at this time of year. As for the rest of my super-hero / crime fighting friends, we work on a roster system so that if someone's on holiday eg. Spiderman, and the Green Goblin comes around
spoiling for a ruck, there's always someone like The Fantastic 4 on hand to
give him a slap. So I think you'll always find one of us on hand to quash
your plans I'm afraid.
------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Plankton, ikt would appear ktlakt I lave a problem wiktl lektkters of tle alplabekt and cannokt sktop using an L insktead of a H, as well as always inserkting a K before a T.
wlakt can you do kto lelp?
A Question From Ken In Gods Own Pudsey, West Yorkshire.
Dear Ken,
thanks for your letter and it is indeed a tough one. Your grammatical
inaccuracies are something I've never seen before, it is indeed a
phenomenon(much like the Portuguses singing sensation Tony Ferrino.) I think you
need to take English writing classes to remedy this problem. I believe that
Airedale and Wharfedale college hold classes in such things on several
evenings during the week. If all else fails you may want to write to movie
studios an get a job writing lines for "alien" lifeforms in Sci-fi
productions. I just hope you don't have the same problem with your
speech - you can't say fairer than that.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whistler/Blackcombe may be safe but who's patrolling the Park, Golden Lion, Commercial area of Pudsey?
Response to Dan's Question on "Ask the Phantom"
Well Dan Hbos, while I wish that I could be in all places at once
fighting
piracy and tyrany of any kind, I unfortunately cannot. As you may know
most
of my time is spent fighting piracy around my adopted homeland of
Bengalla.
I do however have some knowledge of the area of which you speak. I
believe
these three places to be what you term "public houses" where people go
to
drink a strange translucent, effervescent liquid with a yellow colour.
Pardon my pronunciation but I understand it to be termed "lager". When
people drink this intoxicating substance they seem to become excited,
full
of glee and sexually liberal. I know not why this exhuberance should
lead to
piracy, but I shall be on the lookout for any wrong-doings concerning
the
Jacksons Supermart just over the road from the Golden Lion my friend;
and if
anyone damages the storefront of the sunbed place where my Sister works
near
the Commy they'll certainly get a slap...[cough cough]...erm sorry.
Daniel it is a good question, and I'm happy to say that the local law
enforcement officers should keep things well under control, until that
is
they feel the need to call....The Phantom.
----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Phantom,
Me and my friend Don have recently booked tickets to fly the country of
Australia. We don't fly until December but have suddenly realised there might
be some sort of height restriction on the plane. I remember having a similar
problem on a school trip years ago. My friend is also a wee man. What can we
do or who can we speak to get around this problem.
Sorry to bother you, R from LS28!
R, your question is a complex one, made more so by the fact that as a crime
fighting super hero in a purple leotard, it is difficult for me to travel on
commercial aeroplanes. I have however made such trips in deep disguise and so
have some knowledge of your problem. You may be worrying too much about
the height issue, lots of vertically challenged passengers make frequent trips on
these large flying birds and it should therefore cause you little if any distress. It
appears that you may have a hang up from your childhood days from visiting fun
parks such as Flamingo Land, Alton Towers and Lightwater Valley when you
wanted to go on some of the big boy's rides, but were always just an inch or so
below that elusive line at the ticket booth. As we grow older height is not such a
resrictive issue, and remember the best things come in small packages. Also
think of the possible benefits; the airsteward may offer you and your friend a trip
to the cockpit to sit with the pilots, and you may arrive
at your destination with a free toy plastic plane and some false "pilots wings" to
wear proudly on your chest. If you're in doubt at all, check in at the "unescorted
travelling minors" desk at the airport. On a safety note R, in the event of a drop
in cabin pressure, always make sure the nearest adult puts their own oxygen
mask on before helping you with yours. Yours, P.
CLICK HERE TO ASK THE PHANTOM A QUESTION
Click For Super Furry Animals Animation.(Phantom Power)
|