Courtesy of James

by James A. Scilence

 

Nota de el Autor (Author's Note):  Ahhh!  My story has a weak ending.  This story is, in my opinion, one of my best, despite that fact.  It is full of lies, deceit, craziness, and yet, so much truth…

Well, this was written for Ashlee, and for my brother Davey.  To give them hope for the future.  Enjoy.

Ah, yes, one more thing—I change point of view often.  Be aware, I do tell you who the speaker is.

 

James-

                I stood next to my older half-brother Davey at the foot of the altar.  On my left stood his best friend Jason.  Directly across from me stood Alyssa, and beside her was Niki.  I looked out into the crowd.  My mother sat with my father, holding his hand tightly.  Next to them sat my younger brother, looking bored.  My sister, Davey's twin, was there too, but I avoided her eyes.  I knew Davey's old girlfriend Lucia was there with her little baby girl, along with Davey's childhood friend Samantha, but just then Ashlee appeared in the doorway.

                I was stunned.  She looked amazing in her pink silk wedding dress, her dark brown hair cascading down her shoulders.  I had to stop to remind myself that today she was getting married to my brother.  I had let her go, and for three years she and Davey had kept in touch over the Internet.  The two had been engaged since they met in person over a year ago.  They were the best couple I had ever seen.  She was his princess, no exceptions.

The organ music began and Ashlee made her way down the aisle.  When she reached the group of us standing at the altar, I saw her glance at Alyssa and Niki.  Her old friends smiled at her encouragingly.  Then she turned to me.  I smiled at her too, as her eyes laid on me. "It's okay," I mouthed, seeing the uncertainty there behind her beautiful green eyes.  She smiled broadly.  This was what she wanted.

She wanted to marry Davey, and she wanted to do it with my total and complete approval.

I felt a twinge in my heart as she embraced Davey's hands.

Everyone waited and watched silently as the two went through their vows, guided by the priest.

"I do," said Davey, and then in turn Ashlee.

"I do."

"You may now kiss the bride."

I smiled as my two close friends melted into each other.  Ashlee was now my sister, and my brother was a married man.

 

3^rd Person-

                "You can't have a kid!  It'll ruin your figure," James teased.

                "I don't care, James, this is serious," Ashlee scowled.

                "Then I'm happy for you and Davey.  It'll be fun to be an uncle."

"James…" she sighed, sitting on the edge of the bed, looking down at her hands.

"What is it?" James said, worried now.

"It's.. I mean.. I think… You're not going to be the uncle."

"What?"  He made sure she wasn't just teasing.  "What do you mean?"

She looked at him, eyes pleading.  "The timing isn't right.  It's not Davey's baby."

James sat beside her, horrified at her words.  "Am… I the father?"

"Yes."  Ashlee was crying.

He embraced her and held her close.  "Are you absolutely sure?"

She nodded into his chest. 

"Does Davey know?"

She shook her head fervently.  "I don't know how to tell him.  He'd kill us both."

They were quiet for a moment; two old lovers together again.  But not for long.

"What are you going to do, babe?"

"Have the baby, for sure."

"And Davey?"

She thought.  "If he finds out, then I'll deal with him."

James interrupted, “And if he doesn't, then he'll be the proud father of his own nephew."

 

Davey-

                I lied in bed beside my wife.  She pretended to be sleeping, but I knew she was not. 

Rolling onto my side, I nuzzled her neck with my nose.  She opened her eyes and smiled weakly, reaching up a hand to stroke my cheek.  This was not her usual  reaction.  She was being sullen.

I sat up on my elbows.  "What's wrong, princess?"

"Davey," she answered, thoughtfully.  "What would you say if I told you I was pregnant?"

I felt my face brighten with a smile.  "Really?"

"Yes," she answered, not meeting my eyes. 

I touched her chin so she would look at me.  "That's wonderful!  Isn’t it?"

Slowly, she smiled.  "Yes it is, love."

She kissed me deeply.

Eventually we settled down to sleep again.

I was going to be a father.  I smiled down at the angel in my arms.  She was asleep now.

I kissed her forehead.  "Sleep well my sweetheart."

 

Ashlee-

                I clung to Davey's hand as we sat together in the waiting room of the doctor's office.

"Ashlee Grant," called a nurse, appearing from behind the door.  My husband and I stood and followed her.

I smiled at Davey, showing him that I was nervous.  He slid an arm around my waist and gave me a reassuring squeeze.

We talked to the doctor and I had an ultrasound done, along with a few other tests to see if I was healthy.

"Your baby is two months old," Dr. Williams said.  "The baby seems well, as do you.  Have you been lightheaded?  Feeling stressed?  Morning sickness?"

I nodded, answering the middle-aged man's questions.

"Alright, I'll give you a prescription that will help with that a little, and you can make an appointment for another month.  If any problems come up, feel free to call me."

Davey and I rose to go.  When we were halfway down the hall, I had a thought.

"Davey, I left my purse."

"I'll get it for you," he offered.

"No, I'm not huge yet, boy.  I'll manage."  So I marched back into the small room.  The doctor was still there, finishing a note.

"Doctor, I have to tell you something."

"Yes, Mrs. Grant?"

"Davey isn't the father of the baby.  His brother is."

The doctor nodded grimly.

"Is there a test we can do to make sure?"

"Several.  There is only one we can do while the child is in the womb, though, and it's a bit unsafe.  Any way you will be able to wait until after it's born?"

But I wanted to know now!

I nodded.  "I don't want him to know," meaning Davey.

"Alright, I will keep your secret.  Anything else Mrs. Grant?"

I shook my head, thanked him, and fled.

Davey rose to meet me from where he had been sitting in the waiting room.

"That took forever.  Did you get your purse?"

I shook my head.  "I forgot I didn't bring it.  Sorry Davey."

He frowned, knowing that wasn't the case. However, he drove us home happily, both of us sharing ideas about how our small family was going to change once the baby was born.

Once we got to our small, homey apartment, I treated him to a fully romantic evening, ending not so quietly in our roomy bed.  He was the only man I loved, no matter that the babe in my womb held his half-brother's traits.  That relationship was dead, and this one was very much alive.

"I love you, princess," he murmured.

"I love you with all of my heart, my prince." 

I meant what I said, and I knew that he believed me.

 

~

"Oh thank you guys," I gushed, hugging my mother-in-law and beaming at all my friends.  They had just thrown me the greatest baby shower a girl could ever wish for.  I was due in a few weeks, and there was still so much work to do.

 

James-

                I sat in the waiting room of the hospital.  Around me sat my mother and father, and a small number of Davey and Ashlee's friends.

She had gone into labor late the night before, and all of us were waiting to see the new addition to the family.

Early in the morning, Davey entered the room.

All of us there jumped up to surround him.

He smiled weakly.  "It's a girl.   A very healthy little girl."

Mom hugged him.  He hugged back.

"Ashlee though… she's not doing good.  Her heart is racing.  She needs you guys."

Keeping ahold of Mother's hand, he led the small group around the corner and up to a big glass window.

"That one's mine, Ma.  The tiny little girl."  He pointed.

Lying in the big plastic crib with the label "Grant" on the front was the smallest baby I had ever seen.

"She's beautiful, honey," Mom told him.  He kissed her cheek.

"I want to see if her mother's alright."  My brother lumbered down the hall with the gait of a proud new father but also in the slow step of an extremely worn out man.  "Ashlee, are you ready for some visitors?" Davey asked, and then allowed us to pile into the small room.

Her face lit up, and she hugged each of us—Mom, Dad, myself, and her three friends.

"I'm so glad to see you guys," she said, smiling.  Her voice sounded weak nonetheless.

"You know what you need, Ashlee?" noted her friend Alyssa. "You need some flowers."

"I'm sure they have some in the gift shop downstairs." said Mom.  "Why didn't we think of that earlier?  Let's go get some."

Mother and Ashlee's friend hurried out of the room.

Davey murmured, "I'll go check on the baby," and drifted out also.

My tall father smiled at Ashlee.  "Anything you need?"

"No," she shook her head.  "Thanks though, Mike."

Dad glanced at his watch.  "If it won't seem rude, I must bow out.  I have work to be getting to."

My sister-in-law shooed him, and he left, leaving me alone with Ashlee.

I looked around the room, avoiding her eyes.

"James," she whispered, her voice so soft that I barely heard her.

Finally, I looked at her.

"She has your eyes."

I stared at her blankly.

"When I first looked at her, it scared me half to death.  Like I was looking at you.  Small, dark little mirrors."

"I'm sorry, Ashlee," was all I could think to say.

She held her hand out to me.

                I took it.

                "I am too," she answered.  "My only hope is that Davey won't notice.  It's been a miracle he hasn't suspected yet.  It came too early for it to be his."

                "Ashlee," I bowed my head. "Will you ever forgive me?"

 

3^rd Person-

Davey and the nurse came in with the little baby, interrupting James and Ashlee's conversation.  The two exchanged an awkward look as Davey helped his wife sit up.

"She's so beautiful," James said, smiling as Ashlee held her child.

"Do you want to hold her?" the mother asked softly.

James took the tiny girl and settled her into his arms.  At first, she shrieked, but then snuggled closer to his warmth.  He looked down at the babe.

She blinked at him and cooed in the way only a small newborn can.  He drew in a quick breath when he noted the girl's eyes.

Davey had placed himself beside Ashlee on the bed, cuddling her, and James looked up at them now.  "What is her name?"

Ashlee reached up and stroked her husband's cheek.  "What do you think, sweetheart?"

Davey kissed her fingers.  "Nicole."

Ashlee smiled and added a second name, "Besita, like your mother."

James turned back to the little girl.  "So Nicole Besita Grant, has anyone ever told you how much you look like your mother?"

Laughing he gave the baby back to her mother.

The boys' mother then returned with the three friends following.

Decorating the room with flowers and balloons, one of them cried, "Oh, she's so adorable!"

 

Ashlee-

                Davey opened the door for me and I went inside our small apartment, holding baby Nicole on my arm.

I gasped and then laughed, seeing the room decorated with streamers, flowers, and a big sign reading, "Welcome home Ashlee and Nicole!"

                Turning to my husband, I asked, "Did you do that?"

He smiled, dazzling.  "Yeah, me and James and Ma."

I hugged him, being careful of the baby.

"There's more, honey," he said, taking my hand and leading me into the new nursery.

"It's beautiful!" 

The walls were painted pink and had a border with Disney princesses on it.  The room was complete with a huge white crib in the center, where I now placed my small child.

She complained at first, but then she quieted.

"Sleep well, my little girl," I whispered to her, and then went to explore the rest of my house.

Everything I needed was in its place.

I drifted into our own bedroom.  Smiling, I noted that the room was cleaner than it had ever been.  There was also a picture of Nicole in her first moments of life.

I pranced back to the nursery, happy as possible, to find Davey crooning softly to our baby.

"And I'll teach you how to dance, and boys will fight over you, but you'll refuse them because you're waiting for your only one.  And you'll be good to your old dad, kiss him on the cheek every day.  And make him so proud...”

I came up from behind, wrapping my arms around my beautiful husband, squeezing him tight.

"Hey girl," he said, turning around to kiss me gently.  I smiled, and he picked me up off my feet, carrying me away to bed.

 

Davey-

                I singed the book, setting my one year old daughter on the floor.  As the door clicked open, I took her hand and let her walk unsteadily through it.  We entered the large sitting room.

                "Brother!" Rosie, my twin, cried, jumping up and coming to me.

                "Hi sister," I answered, leaving a kiss on her cheek.

"And who is this little beauty?" she said, bending down to take Nicole's tiny hands.

My twin sister had lived in this enclosed place for over six years.  Although she had spent the first four years here as a patient in rehab, the past few years he had become a counselor, helping others in addition to being helped.  Because of this, she had been required to spend a year and a half without visitors as she went through extensive training.  She had just graduated a week ago, and had no idea I even had a child until then.

"This is Nicole, Rosie.  Nicole Besita."

"Nicole Besita Grant, is it, baby?" she crooned, picking up the small girl.

Nicole screeched and giggled, pulling at my sister's hair.

Rosie smiled one of her biggest smiles, and looked at me.  "She's so darling!"

Going over to a large blue couch, she asked  "How have you been, Davey?  How is your wife?"

"I'm good.  Tired."  Nicole began to get bored and fussy, so I handed her my keys.  "She makes me so tired, but happy.  Ashlee and I are happy."

"Why didn't she come too?"

I racked my brain for an answer, to no avail.

Rosie supplied it.  "She doesn’t like me, never has, because of what… of what I did to James."

I nodded, slowly, regretfully.  My pretty wife had never gotten over how my sister had hurt her one-time boyfriend. 

I felt my hands ball into fists.

To my surprise, little Nicole reached up to me, crawling into my lap.  She snuggled up to my chest, almost as if she noticed my sudden flair of anger.  I took a deep breath, calming myself.

That was the thing that was the same about my twin and I.  Both of us had the horrible habit of not thinking before doing something.  It was then that I noticed the almost frightened look my sister was giving me.

"What is it?"

She looked down at the small child in my lap.  "She has James' eyes, brother."

My little girl grinned up at me, her shiny black eyes beaming.

I took in a breath.

 

James-

                I was sleeping alone in my bed when suddenly I saw my sister in the doorway.  I began to struggle to get away, but it was as if my whole body was glued down to the bed.  As my sister moved towards me, she seemed to float on air.  With every step she took, her clothing fell from her shoulders like a cloak.  I started to scream, and her hand reached towards me.  At first, my cry was silent, but the moment her hand touched my waistband, my scream echoed throughout the room.  She recoiled suddenly, hiding her nakedness.

"James…  what's wrong?" she asked, but it was not my sister's voice that reached my ears.  It was Ashlee's.  Before my eyes, my half-sister's body morphed into that of my sister-in-law and former lover.  I stared.

"But… you're married to my brother!" I murmured as she kissed me, her lips like fire.

"What do you mean?  The child is ours!"  With a wave of her hand, the one year old child appeared on my knees.  Ashlee took her daughter into her arms, holding her against her naked breast.  In that moment, Davey burst into my bedroom, finding his wife there in my bed.  He roared with anger, grabbed the little girl, and hurled her from the window.  Ashlee threw herself at Davey, screeching with rage.  I ran to the window.  Instead of the usual two foot drop to the ground, it was as if we were atop a high skyscraper.  The child was falling slowly.  I spared the couple behind me a last glance, but they were oblivious to me, instead making crazy love to one another.  I flung myself from the window, diving to catch the fallen daughter.  Somehow, I found myself falling directly underneath the girl.  I held her close to my chest.  As we fell, it felt like years, and the child in my arms began to grow.  It was as if I were watching a movie of her life.  I saw all her shortcomings, all her joys, everything that would happen to her.  Just before our bodies slammed into the concrete ground, I saw Nicole as an old woman, and for the first time her eyes met mine.  In her eyes I saw the reflection of myself as a young child, and my small body hit the ground, cushioning Nicole's fall, causing my own death.

I jerked awake.

I found myself lying on my bedroom floor, wrapped tight in a sheet, covered with sweat.

Struggling up from the floor, I turned on the light, and tried to steady my breathing.  If this had happened in earlier years, all I would have done would be to run to my brother's room and crawl into his big bed.  But this was not that time.  Instead, I had to fend for myself, because now I lived alone in my small dorm apartment. 

I padded to my refrigerator to find a bottled water.

Downing the cool liquid, I sat on the couch and picked up the phone, dialing my brother's number.

 

Ashlee-

                Faintly, I registered the phone ringing in the kitchen.  I shook Davey's shoulder.

He opened his eyes slightly and muttered, "It's your turn, Mommy."  He thought I was waking him up to take care of Nicole.

Making a face at him, I struggled out of bed.

"Hello."

There was a moment of silence and then—"Ashlee."

"James… what's wrong?"

I heard him whimper and drop the phone, cutting us off.

I hurried back to Davey.  "Honey, wake up.  I think James is in trouble."

My husband groaned and rolled onto his stomach.

"James can take care of himself," he said, voice muffled by his pillow.

 

Davey-

                My wife continued trying to wake me, even though all I truly wanted to do was keep sleeping.

                "Davey!"  She pounded her fists on my back.  "Please at least get up and call him!"

                With a groan, I pulled myself up and went to the phone.

                It rang exactly five and a half times before it was picked up.

                "Davey?" I heard my brother breathe into the phone.

                "James, Ashlee said you were in trouble.  Are you okay?"

                He took a deep breath and dove into a long string of Spanish.  "¡Hermano, hermano, me chocan mis sueños!"[1]

                I hadn't spoken Spanish in years, not even to my mother who was native to Mexico.  Suddenly I missed the days when I was fluent in the language.   "¡Ay, James, ingles por favor!"[2]

                "Ay, ay hermano, lo siento."[3]  He paused for a moment of thought, and I noted the ragged state of his breathing.

                "James, what is going on?  It's three in the morning!"

                "I had a dream," he answered, "like the ones I had when I was younger, when I was cutting, remember?  Rosie was there, and then Ashlee.  You found her with me, and then… you threw Nicole out the window!  …Davey, when was the last time you saw yourself in your daughter?  When did you see her future?"

                 I didn't know how to respond.

                "Dávid," he said, using his Spanish accent to say my name,  "Nicole will live a long life, you don't have to worry about that.  It's just… history often repeats itself."

                "James, what the hell are you talking about?"

                "Nothing, Dave, forget about it.  All I needed to know was that everything was okay.  That's all.  Buenas noches."[4]

                And with that, my half-brother hung up the phone, plunging me into silence.

                "Oh precious, lonely silence."  I laughed at the pun I had created.  My brother's last name was Scilence.

                When I returned to my wife, she asked, "Is he okay?"

                "Yeah, just had a nightmare, that's all."

                There was quiet as Ashlee snuggled against me, falling to sleep again.

                "Beautiful," I murmured questioningly, kissing the top of her head.  "Why does our baby have James' eyes?"

                I felt her stiffen in my arms, but she did not answer.

                "Ashlee?"  I looked to her for a reply, but she simply placed a kiss upon my lips, keeping her eyes closed.

                "I donno, baby, go back to sleep."

                My thoughts were at an unrest, but somehow my body took control, spiraling me out of consciousness and into sleep.

 

Nicole-

                "Exactly fifteen years and two months ago, on this day, my parents were married.  My father was 24, and my mother had just turned 18.  From even before this, their relationship was very strange.  Besides the obvious fact that they were over six years apart, the entire reason they were together at all was because of my uncle, my father's half brother.  Three and a half years before the two were married, this uncle was dating, online, the woman who would become my mother.  My uncle was 15 at the time and my mother was 14.  My uncle lived here in Arkansas, and my mother lived in Wisconsin.  Around this time, my father's twin, my aunt, was doing something very, very wrong to my uncle.  At night she would go into his room, touch him in sexual ways, and arouse him enough to get what she desired.  If this were you, don't you think you would have low self-esteem? 

My uncle couldn't handle it.  He tried to kill himself. 

While he was in the hospital recovering from an overdose of prescription drugs, he asked his older brother to talk to his girlfriend.  My uncle, however, during the two week duration of his hospital stay, made friends with the people in the rooms around his.  One of these people was an older woman who had a granddaughter his age.  My uncle as fascinated with this girl at the time, and left my future mother to date her instead.  For my mom, this was devastating.  Meanwhile however, my uncle's brother had let himself fall in love with her. 

Although their relationship was extremely trying, they made it work online for three entire years.  Eventually they met and were married.  Seven months after this, I was born.  Even though my father rejoiced in the birth of his first child, there was something peculiar about me.  There was a secret being kept, and remained hidden up until a few days ago.

                One night, my father and I had been out bowling, just for fun.  When we returned to our house, we went in quietly, only to find my mother and my uncle arguing in the bedroom.

                'I hate you!' I remember her screaming at him.

                'It's not my fault you wanted to keep her even though she was mine.  I told you not to!' was his reply.

                My mother answered, saying "You wanted me to kill your baby?!"

                My father was shattered by this news, that my uncle was truly my father, and he let his brother know it.  My family was in turmoil.

                The next day, we found my uncle lying dead in his garage, the car running.  He killed himself this way, a way he had been pondering since his failed attempts when he was young—death by carbon monoxide poisoning."

                I looked out into the crowd.  My mother was crying on the shoulder of the man that raised me, the man I loved as my father.  My grandmother, too, was there with my grandfather, shedding tears.  My entire family was there mourning for my uncle, along with so many people whom he had touched in his tragic life.

                "And now, all of your here must know in some way the feelings felt by my uncle, my true father.  I know I do.  I also know that James Angelo Scilence left an incredible mark upon us all.  One that daily challenges us to make better of ourselves, to make things easier for others who come behind us.  One that teaches us to just keep trying, otherwise thing just… end.  He knew that life is a hypocrite, and there is no way to avoid it.  Just keep going, keep struggling.  Even though he knew this, and told us all, he just couldn't take this world any more.  Geniuses often can't.  So today, in memory of this man, I pray that we all do what James tried to do, see the goodness in this world, and keep struggling against all the lies which every single one of is holding, giving in to sheer truth."

                I moved down from my spot behind the podium, sending my uncle's coffin a sorrowful look, and returned to sit beside my father.

                He hugged me tightly.  "I love you, princess," he said into my ear.

                "I love you, Dad," I said back, letting us both know that everything would be alright, even with my twisted family's lies and screw-ups.  We would survive.  Broken, or together.  A family for life.