According to these rumors, this movie, and a few Chick Tracts, this game leads to some rather maladaptive behaviors and mental disorders such as suicidal thoughts, stealing, class-skipping, celibacy, drinking, paranoid schizophrenia and murder! So beware!!!!

The rest of the characters are so miniscule, secondary, or unimportant that they don’t even warrant any mention, but here’s a brief summary anyway:

• A couple of detectives (or maybe one’s a reporter) who arrive at the caves

• Jay Jay’s domineering Mom who keeps rearranging/redecorating his room

• Robbie’s Mom’s a forced-to-stay-at-home Mom and a drunk; his Dad’s a McCarthyist and rather estranged.

• Jay Jay’s door man has nothing important to say

• The two thugs that try to steal Robbie’s magic stones – one gets a stabbing!

• The token black guy in the biology lab with the skeleton…at least they didn’t kill him off …and he got a free dinner for four!

The story starts out in the middle of the movie, unfortunately. We get a scene with some emergency vehicles providing more lighting than we’ll ever see in this film again. They’re outside an abandoned cavern system where police and reporters describe as a game of Mazes and Monsters gone wild! The reporter informs us what Mazes and Monsters is; it’s a fantasy game where players act out and deal with their real life problems and try to acquire massive wealth. This is something I did not know. I guess next time I have any kind of problem, I’ll just take a trip to my local abandoned caves and do some live action role playing! That will solve everything! Is this effing serious?!

After this set up, we flash back six months prior to some taxi cabs in New York City …to a theme that sounds like a bad Linda Ronstat elevator song. The budget for this must have been pretty low since this song sounds like it bled over from another studio of a different type of movie and no one cared. Get used to this tune folks because you will hear it again anytime the plot calls for something romantic or pseudo thought-provoking…er something!

We endure some further character set up; we get introduced to each of the four main characters and quickly discover they all come from dysfunctional families, which has to be the reason they’re attracted to Mazes and Monsters right? I mean, normal kids don’t play this crap right?

First we meet Jay Jay. We learn quite a bit about him in these brief few moments. He’s a 16 year old college student; he has an IQ of 190; he gets straight As; he has a talking bird (a plot device for a little later); and his mother redecorates his room without his approval (and badly I might add). Oh, and let’s not forget that he’s wearing a Keiser helmet. We learn as the plot stumbles forward that he has a master collection of hats, probably because we need something to make him memorable.

Next we meet Kate, who comes from a broken home. That’s about all the dysfunction we’ll be getting from her. We meet Daniel who’s at home blabbing on about becoming a game programmer, much to his parents’ disapproval. They want him to get into the next big thing: computers! (Hah, you thought I was going to say 8-tracks didn’t ya?) Daniel just wants to play and make games rather than use that as a hobby. Because we all know there will be no such thing as a multi-billion dollar gaming industry in the near future! Dad pretty much says no programming the Pac-man son!

Finally, we meet Robbie (Hanks), riding with his parents on the way to this new college. His Dad bitches at him and complains that his Mother drinks too much. She complains that she could have been something but this is the 80s and they’ve never seen a Mary Tyler Moore show so she’s stuck in Leave-it-to-Beaver mode. Dad hates Mom’s drinking! They get to the school and she makes Robbie promise not to play that crazy game again and he agrees. So apparently, he’s got quite a history of problems with this game. Maybe he was just about to join the occult as Jack Chick would say.

Cut to the most non-college like eatery I’ve ever seen in my life. This is where Jay Jay is now a pilot with his airplane garb and scarf. He’s sooo cool! He checks out Robbie a little bit longer than he probably should and proceeds to fly on over to him when he notices him looking at the want ad for Mazes and Monsters players. Jay Jay confronts him about playing the game but Robbie declines. Jay Jay describes his Dad with a "boy wonder" reference (uggg a Robin references?!) and how his Dad bought him a car even though he can’t drive. He invites Robbie to a birthday party that’s sure to be a blast!

For some reason, Robbie actually shows up to the most boring college party I’ve ever seen this side of a D.A.R.E. event and naturally Jay Jay’s pleased at his arrival. Jay Jay’s a construction worker now, emulating the Village People or something. What’s strange about this scene is that Jay Jay just told him he was too young to drive so naturally Robbie brings him a bottle of alcohol! Um, that’s kinda creepy if you think about it ugggg!

Not long after, Robbie runs into Kate and says some cheesy pickup line that would never work (Charisma roll -3 penalty) and somehow they get talking about Mazes and Monsters (first thing I’d talk about trying to meet women). She gets excited when he mentions he was 9^th level and she says that she is too! They comment on how it’s finally nice to be able to design their own scenarios, which requires being level 9 I guess –something I was totally unaware. She invites him to join in a local gaming group but he declines. She calls the other two players for backup: Daniel and Jay Jay. They persuade him into joining the group, promising they’re not fanatics (they only play a couple times a week). Good thing because Robbie doesn’t want to hang around addicts. Using her Charisma bonus (+3) she easily sways Robbie. He finally agrees and they drink with a minor to celebrate. Those crazy college kids! D&D leads to underage drinking!!!

Here’s where we learn a few things about Mazes and Monsters. Apparently you have to have a cover letter and resume for each character (and you must read from it in Middle English dialect) in order to play this game. Everyone announces their characters, abilities, and the like. Kate plays the Fighter of the group; Jay Jay is the Rogue; and Robbie is the Holy Priest. Daniel is the Game Controller, aka the Dungeon Master (DM), who clearly has a god complex "I am the absolute authority!" We get to see the spooky dice and the cool miniatures they use as a prop for their game as well.

Next we witness the setting of the game, which is unlike anything I’ve ever seen in my 20 plus years of gaming, but hey, everyone can set it up and customize it how they see fit I guess. In this case, they like their gaming a little bit Satanic, in a dark room with a large grid table and candles lit everywhere –all this mood setting at the expense of being able to read their own character sheet, dice results, and game books. I am left to wonder where are all the missing Satanic elements like the backwards music, the chalice of blood, animal skulls, virginal sacrifices, or the flaming pentagrams, but this movie is under a tight budget. All I know is the two guys with the hair helmets better watch out rolling dice too close to some of those candles! Anyway, where are all the empty bags of chips, overflowing ashtrays, and tons of empty Mountain Dew bottles?

Next, we must endure the romantic Mazes and Monsters mix of a montage …and yes, it’s all to the classic opening song. Robbie and Kate hang out more and more, play more Mazes and Monsters, jog together like bosom buddies, and basically become a couple. There is nothing too interesting here as every movie has to have a montage. It’s hard to tell exactly how much time has elapses over this montage but then again I can say that for the entire damn movie (except when the text tells us so, of course).

After the montage is over, Jay Jay and Daniel are having a conversation while painting their miniatures –man, these guys live, eat, and breath D&D…er uh, Mazes and Monsters! Daniel is apparently Mr. Sensitive as he complains that most girls see his blond hair helmet and automatically think he’s the make-out king(!?) before they have a chance to get to know him. Yeah ok, this movie is very realistic. Jay Jay expresses his withdrawal from Mazes and Monsters, complaining that it’s been a whole three days since he’s played …and dammit, he needs a fix! They agree to schedule a fix…I mean game later in the week so Jay Jay goes to Kate’s place to check the schedule.

Jay Jay is a little surprised that Robbie answers the door –apparently he didn’t realize Robbie was taken…or maybe he’s surprised that Kate is –hell, I don’t know. Robbie invites him in but he’s not about that. Maybe he only hangs out if they’re doing Mazes and Monsters-related activities. They agree to play a couple days from then because Robbie and Kate will be busy getting busy. Jay Jay leaves, goes back to his room and expresses some suicidal thoughts (?!) to his talking bird. All depressed, he contemplates suicide, as all Mazes and Monsters players always do. He wants to do it for name recognition, naturally and figures the best place to do it would be to go kill himself in the nearby abandoned caverns(!?). He even fantasizes about the newspaper headlines (?!). So he takes his moped to the entrance of what looks to be a 3^rd grade play production set and heads on inside.

He heads down to find the perfect place to do himself in but he has a revelation instead! This would be the perfect place for a live-action role playing game (often called a LARP for you non-geekery folks). He forgets all about that suicide thing and becomes obsessed with this new idea: he will be the Game Controller, steal props from the theater and biology departments, and yelp in Middle English dialect as his friends stumble around in the dark…but I’m getting ahead of myself. Oh, before I forget, at some point here in the movie, Robbie tries to move in with Kate without her consent and the resolve it most uninterestingly. Just like Dad!

The next game, Jay Jay sabotages himself in the most bizarre dungeon situation but he makes sure to speak in third person to do it. His character sees something shiny at the bottom of a pit so he jumps down to get it, only wanting the treasure. Without any dice rolls of any kind (no spot check, no dexterity check, no reflex save, no saving throw, nothing) the Game Controller declares him dead! Damn, that trap automatically sends you to negative ten hit points! Kate says that was stupid of him and gets a little pissed because Robbie doesn’t have enough points to raise him. Robbie tries to calm the situation, and the Game Controller says he’ll have to create a new character and start over rather than pull a deus ex machina.

But Jay Jay proposes another idea…an evolution of Mazes and Monsters…and we know in these types of movies, that kind of thought will be no good for the audience. He proposes moving the game to the evil forbidden caverns with him as the new Game Controller. Kate worries about getting expelled (?!) but reluctantly agrees. Apparently solving your real life problems in a live action RPG in the local caverns is as bad as plagiarism. Everyone says "I" and Jay Jay spends the next day looting theater props and making deals with a bio lab tech on use of a skeleton.

Meanwhile, Robbie and Kate have a discussion where Robbie describes his missing older brother. Apparently three years ago, Robbie’s older brother, Hall, left his own Birthday/Halloween celebration for New York City. He was never heard from again so naturally, Robbie feels guilt about this as he gave him the money to go. Of course he has to dream about this the next night: he dreams of running through some dry ice while yelling into a tube for the echo effect. This scene is all shoddy and unconvincing.

It’s game night so they all sneak out, dressed as their characters, probably looking completely ridiculous but we don’t really know as there isn’t enough light in this scene to see a damn thing. We think they hop in a car for their first live action adventure. And if you think things were stupid up to this point folks, just sit back; the ride’s just getting started.

They arrive at the forbidden caverns where Jay Jay has previously set up some silly props. They descend a little bit before the Game Controller seemingly ditches them but it’s all a rouse for dramatic effect. He gives them some silly riddle and the skeleton pops out at with a flashlight in his mouth. They get to ask two questions and both are pretty retarded. They discover some kind of writing and decide it would be in their best interest to split up (?!!!!!!). At this point, I couldn’t help but riffing "oh sure guys…I’m going over this way by myself to plunge off a cliff and to my death."

After they split up, things start to get …well I can’t think of the right adjective to describe these "things" but you will see what I mean. Robbie starts wigging out. He screams like a banshee as a Gorvil (or whatever) monster lurches forward, which kinda looks like a rubber lizard man. Of course, his spells don’t do a thing when he pulls out his rocks (yeah I know…that sounds pretty bad) so he resorts to pulling out his dagger! He wigs out until his friends arrive and they get him the heck outta there. Unfortunately for us, Robbie remains in character and they just tell him to stop kidding around! Little do they know that Robbie’s world just busted like a fragile eggshell!

He is now Pardue, the Holy Man!!!

Robbie, in full basket case mode now blesses everything in sight, makes a map, speaks a lot in Middle English dialect, and pretty much all around acts a fool. He dreams more about his brother talking to him through a giant sewer tube dressed as the Ghost of Christmas Future. His brother sends him on a nonsensical quest to visit the two towers (Tolkien’s rolling over right now!). Oh, his brother also tells him he must give up girls! So the next day he tells Kate that since he’s a Holy Man he can no longer make love to her even though he’ll always love her. Naturally upset, she emotes how this is déjà vu She must have been with a lot of guys who got wrapped up in Mazes and Monsters, got too into their character, and became total psychos. Maybe she should switch to World of Warcraft or Everquest players?

Anyway, he hangs out less and less with the others. Meanwhile, Kate and Daniel separately venture to the forbidden caves, but not on game night. Of course they go in the dark so no one will notice and conveniently it was at the same time. I don’t know; maybe she followed Daniel there; I don’t care at this point. She can’t find him anywhere so, of course, she ventures into the caverns by herself. Now, I must say this is probably the most effective scene in the whole movie: she gets lost in the dark, in a massive cavern system, and it kinda feels like we’re lost with her. That would be a pretty scary experience I would think. Daniel shows up and guides her out by voice.

They sit in the car together and Daniel admits the reason he came was to basically cheat at the game –locate the treasure before hand (?!) because the game is that damned important to him (?!). Apparently these role-playing games are addictive as hell! They start talking about Robbie’s strange behavior and how Kate and Robbie are over (how much time has passed anyway?). So, Daniel moves right on in and they make out for awhile, because he is the make-out king and all.

We witness another pathetic college party at Jay Jay’s. Sure it’s pathetic but quite the thing it seems. You know, for a depressed 16 year old college kid he sure has some big parties; he must be a popular fellow. At any rate, Robbie roams the party with a weird look on his face…all dressed as his character again (or another version of it). Finally, he decides to vanish! The next few days, his friends notice his absence so they call around (even calling his Mom) and discover he’s nowhere to be found. They start to flip out when he doesn’t even show up to class!

They quickly assume he’s become his character and has headed into the caverns to be his own Game Controller. Yeah that’s the first thing I would deduce. They go to the cop shop and explain his absence but the police are not too worried as he’s only been gone a couple days. They mention him having a fascination with the Caverns and with Mazes and Monsters but they don’t admit to playing or going there themselves. The kids find Robbie’s map and propose to somehow sneak it to the cops. Kate totally misses the "Hall" reference in the title of the map.

All of the sudden, we realize we’re in Hell because the movie starts over…ok well, not really but they replay the first scene with all the emergency vehicles rushing to the caverns. The kids show up and slide the map under the windshield wiper and take off –anonymous geekery map alert! Pretty soon, Detective Martini (he’s not drunk I swear!) shows up to question all of the players. He’s very down on the "far out" game of Mazes and Monsters. He even suggests that this Robbie got into an out-of-control Mazes and Monsters session where his friends murdered him! Just how in the hell did he come to that conclusion when they never even found a body? The Detective leaves and they are back to square one.

Meanwhile, Robbie’s staggering around the dark streets of New York to some evil Jazz. This place will eat him alive! He better hope he doesn’t run into Jason Voorhees, but then he actually went to Vancouver. Suddenly, a couple of muggers try to steal his bag of magic rocks but he hallucinates they are big rubber lizard men! This scene is hilarious. Watch as he waves his rocks at the mugger! His mugger repellant doesn’t work (surprise) so he pulls out his dagger and stabs one of them before taking off.

He comes out of his stupor long enough to call 1-800-Collect, finally contacting Kate. He cries and tells her he’s in New York and even gives her an approximate street address. He tells her he has a bloody knife – he thinks he’s killed someone! D&D leads to mur-diddly-urder! He hangs up and stumbles down to the subway.

They go to New York where Jay Jay lives. Apparently his mother redecorated and he actually likes it this time! They research all the stuff that Robbie had left behind. These are college students, one of which has a 190 IQ and they can’t deduce anything! They keep referring to "The Great Hall" and "The Two Towers" which dumbfounds them completely. Of course, it would have helped had Kate informed the rest of them about her discussions with Robbie about his brother Hall, not to mention the fact that they both disappeared on Halloween. She is clued in on this by the plot device I mentioned before: Jay Jay’s talking bird saying "Happy Halloween!" – They finally realize after a few months that the Great Hall is Robbie’s brother and he probably went to join him!

Robbie somehow manages to stumble down into the subway where he runs into a bum that sarcastically says he’s the King of France. Man, this quest sucks! It doesn’t take long for the bum to realize that Robbie’s off his rocker because he kneels in respect to the King of France! He says he’s been on a long quest and is really scared of the noisy dragon upstairs but he wants that treasure (?!). The bum tells him not to go up there and that the dragon never comes down this far. Robbie mentions he’s looking for the Two Towers so the bum apparently gives him directions.

After what seems like 2 more months, the kids figure out that Robbie must have went to the Twin Towers so they high-tale it there, park right out in front, and waltz right on in and advance to the top floor. Someone in the party does an intuition roll and guesses correctly which tower he must have went to. They do a little boring chase scene trying to reach him before he gets to the top, giving us some inside shots of the famous towers. They make it to the top just as Robbie’s about to take the plunge!

They all yell for him to stop but he insists he’s going to join his brother, the Great Hall! He plans to use his magic rocks to fly (?!) What the hell – Priests don’t get that spell! Is he an arcane caster or a divine? Anyway, I don’t know why he’d think his magic rocks would work since they haven’t worked yet – didn’t work on the two rubber lizards so why would it work now? But then, his deductive reasoning skills aren’t up to par this moment so Jay Jay is forced to use the Game Controller card. Pulling the God complex he says that it’s against the rules and that he is the absolute authority of the game. At the mention of the word "game" Robbie kinda realizes he’s in a fuctup situation and again, he starts crying (paraphrased) "I don’t know where I am" Robbie has lost his mind!

Flash forward a year or two (can’t remember; don’t care) and the players are all employed, working good jobs, etc., on their way to visit Robbie. It seems like Daniel took his parents’ advice and got that computer programmer job after all (the non gaming one). They arrive and Robbie’s "not-drunk" Momma assures them that she doesn’t blame any of them for Robbie’s condition; she says it was a fragile time for him. Prequel anyone?

They go around back and Robbie must have been playing golf or something but the look of his outfit! He recognizes them and calls them all by their character names. Of course, they look disappointed. He talks of the enchanted pond, and the mystical forest as he points to his backyard. He babbles about paying the innkeeper but his cash mysteriously returns every morning.

The others just shrug and decide to play along…so they encourage his insanity by playing one last game! According to Kate’s narration, she’s planning on exploiting the whole situation by writing a book about it, similar to how the author of Mazes and Monsters did with the poor mentally disturbed kid described in the "steam tunnel incident" – go figure! Queue crappy theme song…THE END

• Effective scene when Kate gets lost in the caverns by herself

• Surreal seeing all the shots of the Twin Towers

• The misrepresentation of Dungeons and Dragons and RPGs

• The lighting uggg!

• The "hat" personality trait

• The suicidal monolog

• Daniel the Make-out King

• The tabloid exploitation of a poor 16 year old college kid in Michigan who had mental issues, drug addiction problems, and repressed homosexual feelings that never died in the "steam tunnels" after all. Refer to the "Steam Tunnel Incident" below

• The theme song

• Robbie’s Mugger Repellant scene

• Robbie repeatedly crying like a little bitch

• Tom Hank’s Sweater collection

• Hell, everyone’s wardrobes

• Tom Hanks has an unlimited collection of crappy looking sweaters

• D&D attracts kids from dysfunctional families

• D&D requires Satanic settings and strange voice inflections while in-character

• Fighters wear green robes and carry giant feathers

• Dungeon Masters have a God complex

• Dungeon Masters must wear hair helmets

• In the 80s, lighting was an alien concept

• Nothing says epic sword and sorcery fantasy like a Linda Ronstat-like opening theme

• D&D is a great way to pick up chicks

• You must reach 9^th lvl before you can create your own scenarios

• D&D leads to suicidal tendencies, cheating, materialism, thievery, paranoid schizophrenia, and mur-diddly-urder!

• College parties in the 80s were rather tame

• Lt. Martini: "Mazes and Monsters is a far-out game!"

• Kate: "I’m 9^th level too…isn’t it great to finally be able to make your own scenarios?"

• Robbie’s Dad: "I hate it when you drink!"

• Robbie: "Why can’t I remember?!"

• Jay Jay: "I AM THE MAZE CONTROLLER; I AM THE ABSOLUTE AUTHORITY!"

• Robbie: "Those are my magic spells; I guard them with my life!"

• Daniel, paraphrased: "Girls think I’m some kinda make-out king before they even get to know me!"

• Lt. Martini: "Was Robbie a doper?"

• What the hell is up with this soundtrack? The opening theme seems like it was meant for a different movie.

• Jay Jay seems a little too interested in Robbie; is he depressed that Tom has hooked up with Kate or that Kate has hooked up with Robbie?

• Jay Jay invites Robbie to a party after explaining he’s not old enough to drive so Robbie naturally brings him some alcohol

• What the hell is up with all the hats?

• Apparently Robbie’s "great quest" from his brother is to stumble around the streets of New York City.

• I don’t think the writers did any research on role-playing games before signing onto this movie.

Note: Keep on the lookout for gaming books such as Advanced Mazes and Monsters, along with the following supplemental playing guides!

• Tom Flips Out!: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E6AOd6r6Qi8

• Tom in the Phone Booth: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WGY1_LMiV-g

• Other Scenes:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nFIWUYr0n10

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ogrwfW1rsA4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9IkuQouJqOA

The Steam Tunnel Incident (via Wikipedia): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steam_tunnel_incident

Straight Talk on Dungeons and Dragons from Chick Publications: http://www.chick.com/articles/dnd.asp (and they would never lie!)

"It is essentially a feeding program for occultism and witchcraft"
- damn I feel left out! They must be referring to that new Fourth Edition!

"…the materials themselves, in many cases, contain authentic magical rituals."
- I guess Magic Missile is effing real!

"…Just because the people playing D&D think they are playing a game doesn't mean that the evil spirits (who ARE very real) will regard it as a game. If you are doing rituals or saying spells that invite them into your life, then they will come-believe me!"
– no wonder I have an ass load of dire badgers running around my house! Who knew?!

"One pro-D&D psychologist wrote that "There is hardly a game in which the players do not indulge in murder, arson, torture, rape or highway robbery."

- well damn it all ta Hell – where do I get a pro-D&D Psychology degree?! And who the Hell plays D&D like this?!

"Loss of Self-control-authority over self is surrendered to the DM. Depending on the personality and ego-strength of the player, this loss can be near absolute. "

- I AM THE MAZE CONTROLLER! I AM THE ABSOLUTE AUTHORITY!

"Quoting Dr. Thomas Radecki MD, a psychiatrist at the University of Illinois School of Medicine: "The evidence in these cases is really quite impressive. There is no doubt in my mind that the game Dungeons and Dragons is causing young men to kill themselves and others."

- Ya know, it’d be kinda hard to make a lot of money selling books, dice, and miniatures if your fan base has offed themselves.