May it please the court...

The Original Kings of Comedy: Saw this one @ K-10. One of only six people in the theater, and I was the blackest. Rather enjoyed the opening monologue by Steve Harvey, which relied heavily on making fun of "Rae-Rae" Carruth. Let's remember, he did try to hide from the FBI in the trunk of his car. It was good to bathe myself in 2 hours of funk-soul brutha comedy. Take yo cracker-ass comedy and watch you some "Will & Grace," honky. I'm gonna drop some "snaps."

To Be or Not To Be: Rental. VHS. Ouch. I was watching the old AFI "100 Best Comedies of the Century" list on rerun on the godawful Fox Family Channel, and they mentioned this old flick. I could have sworn they said Jack Benny was in it, but he was nowhere to be found. Later do I find out that I got the Mel Brooks (1983) updated version, and not the original (1942). Damn! Not all that funny. I think my tastes have changed. Mel Brooks isn't as funny since my voice changed. Worth the rental just to hear Mel Brooks (as Adolf Hitler) say, "Heil, myself!"

2001: A Space Odyssey: I'd never actually sat through the whole thing before. (But you can actually watch the thing when you have huge chunks of non-girlfriend time to burn.) HAL is one bad mutha. (Shut yo mouth! But I'm talking 'bout HAL...) "I'm sorry, Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that." I actually rented this one (DVD, thank God) for research for an upcoming Western Herald article. You know, after two hours of watching monkeys hit each other with bones, evil computers, dead astronauts, funky FX, and the weird old dude/Star Baby montage, I came to realize that this is a very unique film, and only a loser with this much free time could possibly join me in such a conclusion. I rock.

The Odd Couple: The original. VHS rental, again. (Ouch, again.) Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau kickin' it ol' school. You know, any movie including failed suicide attempts are flat-out hilarious. A good movie. Holds up over time. Number 17 on the AFI "100 Best Comedies of the Century" list. Best line? "Don't point that finger at me unless you're prepared to use it."

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9/23/00 -- Exhibit C in the Comissioner Needs a Girlfriend File:
A late-night Saturday shopping trip to Meijer
So I leave work and realize I have nothing to eat. Rather than being social, or licking my cupboards, I head to Meijer. I get:

Two (2) eye of round steaks - This was to be the Commish's main course, prepared stylishly on the George Foreman Lean Mean Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine. The Commish had A-1 on hand, and decided to go for steak this balmy Saturday evening. Besides, the "eye of round" cut tends to be of even width, which is of prime importance when using the dual-sided George Foreman Lean Mean Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine. I cannot understate the even width concept here.

One (1) jar, Jif "extra crunchy" peanut butter (28 oz.) - The Commissioner is coming dangerously close to the end of his PB reserves. This, because he's been spending his lunch half-hour at home on work days. Irony enters the situation when you consider that he polished off his loaf of bread earlier in the day, yet the Commish did not purchase bread on this Meijer trip. So he now has 28 ounces, plus the remnants of the old jar, but no bread upon which to spread the peanutty goodness.

One (1) box, Rice-a-Roni, Chicken flavor - Since the Commish lives alone, he often makes an entire pot of rice as a meal. Granted, rice is intended strictly as a side-dish, but you have to make the entire pot. It works for China, so the Commish enjoys his pots o' rice from time to time. This purchase added to the rice reserves.

One (1) box, Rice-a-Roni, Beef flavor - Because you can't eat chicken flavor all the time.

One (1) package, Oreo brand sandwich cookies - They were on sale. Impulse purchase.

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9/29/00 -- Exhibit D in the Comissioner Needs a Girlfriend File: Parallelism with Tom Arnold So the Commish gets to thinking... perhaps these lengthy and absurd diatribes could actually be used to lure women into the open, where they would be easy to ensnare. Perhaps, an entire site dedicated to the selection of the Commish's lovely lady? You know, like sort of a "virtual pimp." And then he started wondering if anyone has tried something like that before. And that's when it hit me. I am Tom Arnold.

Clarification: When this post was made, Tom Arnold had a sad, sad website called "MarryTom.com" where he was just begging for women to e-mail him with marriage proposals. Of course, now he's on the "Best Damn Sports Show Period," and has worked his way out of the funk of 2000. (That show, by the way, has the worst damn show title, period.)

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11/3/00 -- Exhibit E in the The Commissioner Needs a Girlfriend File:
The initial excitement, then horror in reaction to The Facts of Life Reunion Movie

From the October 27, 2000 issue of Entertainment Weekly, "(Lisa Welchel, a.k.a. 'Blair') will star in a Facts of Life reunion movie next year on ABC." This announcement made my heart go pitter-patter. All my favorites, back again! Look, it's Natalie, still huge and fat and disgusting! Look, it's Blair, still hot, in a more mature, Mrs. Robinson kind of way! Look, it's Tootie, now a militant black rights activist! And... oh, no... no... no! Welchel: "They've actually talked to (Nancy McKeon) about doing a cameo in a coffin, because the show would revolve around Jo's funeral. Which, if Nancy wants to put the Jo character to death, I guess that's the way to do it." Nooooooo! Not Jo! Not sweet, lesbian, angry Jo! Dead? I won't stand for this, I can't stand for this. If you have a reunion show, it must involve all of the same characters, in all of the same roles, and it must be happy. Happy, dammit! You can't bring everyone back to Eastland, just to say, "Hey, screw you, we're looking at the corpse of our beloved character!" You can't have a Seinfeld reunion if it revolves around Kramer dead. You can't have a Cheers reunion at an AA meeting. You can't have a Happy Days reunion if the Fonz has traded in his leather jacket for a blazer. No! Jo is not dead! Jo will never die! Kill fat-ass Natalie if you want, but not Jo. All of this makes me want to cry. Honestly.

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11/16/00 -- Exhibit F in the The Commissioner Needs a Girlfriend File:
The Doomed Chicago Apartment Search

Shouldn't be hard to find an apartment in a city where a couple million people live, right? Wrong. Dead wrong. Two weeks ago, I head down there to check out some places.

The first place I go to smells funny, but it's big. It has 2 bedrooms, which is nice, but it's across from Humboldt Park, which looks like a great place to sell drugs at all hours of the evening. I swear, I practically had to pull the hypodermic needles out of my shoes on the way out.

Apartment #2 was on a nice street, but in the middle of frickin' nowhere. Seriously, no grocery stores, no gas stations, only liquor stores. You might be saying, "Commish! You can live on liquor." Well, that may be so, but I need solid foods as well. The door to this apartment looked like it had been smashed in by the police, which is a bad sign. The creepy-ass caretaker showed me this one. He looked at me with his cold, dead eyes and tried to force me to decide. Uh...

The final apartment on this trip was across the street from a lovely abandoned building. I showed up, and this fat guy rolls out of his car and starts speaking in broken English. I explain that I'm here to see the apartment, and he replies in some quasi-Russian mumbling. We go up to this apartment, which would be just the right size if I didn't need to move through it, and there's a hole in the floor. That's right. A hole. In the floor. I ask questions. All the guy says is, "Is clean." I ask more questions. "Is clean." Hey, man, is there parking? "Is clean." Will you fix the damn hole in the floor? "Is clean." Hey, man, this place looks like ass. "Is clean." Sheez.

With time running out, I made another trip to Chicago. The plan was to move the day before Thanksgiving. This means that this trip would be my last chance, if things were to progress according to plan.

The first apartment had a great ad. It listed all kinds of fabulous features, and it was right within my price range. I called the lady and left a message on her machine. She called back and left a message on mine. No, she would not let me see it at 11, but I could see it at 10, if I called her that morning. Well, I get up right and early, drive the 150 miles to Chicago, and this place is in a nice, nice neighborhood. The problem is, Yahoo gave me some horrible directions, so I got a little lost, and showed up at 10:30 (Chicago time). So of course, bitchy Real Estate Lady was not going to be bothered with me. Too bad, it looked like a great place...

About 3 blocks from this first place was a courtyard building on a quiet, tree-lined street. The place looked nice as well. Not as nice as the first place, but still. I was supposed to meet Virgil, the caretaker, at noon. So noon rolls around, I get out of my car, and pace around in front of the building like a moron. I do this for about 15 minutes. Virgil was nowhere to be seen. Strike two.

With only two scheduled places left to see, and the need to find a place that day, I began to get nervous. Still, I held out hope. I head over to Sheridan, which was an extremely busy street. From the outside, this building looked nice, but not as nice as the first two of the day. I got out of my car and milled around, hoping that Virgil didn't work here, either. That's when Dave came out to meet me. I envisioned "Dave" as a good, solid American name. That's when he spoke in the same accent that the "Is Clean" Guy used... As we walk into this building, my keen sense of perception tells me that it's old. As I walk up the stairs, I hear a sound I hadn't heard since my last visit up the stairs in Ford's Theatre in Washington, D.C. When I enter the apartment, we've got good space, but the floors need work. As I walk through the living room, I notice that no place on the floor is exactly level with any other part of the floor. The bedroom and dining room were so oddly and trapezoidally shaped that no piece of modern furniture would fit. Nice kitchen, though.

So now I have one place left on my schedule. I visit a guy in my Second City class, Damon. Damon lives in a nice place, and pays about what I pay in Kalamazoo for my apartment. (Why can't I find a place like this? I ask myself.) Damon makes a few phone calls to other apartments in the area. Most places he leaves messages, which won't be returned until the next day, but he does get through on one. We head over to a decent street, but the building in question leaves something to be desired. For one, it has intercoms and two doors before you get to the stairwell, but the doors have been slammed so many times, they wood around the doorframe is gone. This means you can walk right in. Bad sign. This, and the fact that the manager's apartment had a name on the intercom listed as "menager." So we buzz the apartment "menager." No one answers. Virgil probably killed her in her sleep. One place left.

The last hope. I psyche myself up, in hopes that I can make wherever this place is be my home. Damon comes along. Nice neighborhood, right at the north end of Lake Shore Drive. Okay, everything seems good. Nice building. Surrounded by nice buildings, except for a vacant lot next door. Not too bad. Locked security doors. Good. Mark, the agent, shows up. Nice guy. (He must have escaped axe-weilding Virgil.) We hit the elevator. Old, but decent. Then we get to the actual apartment. I walk in, and it's small, but liveable. I'd have to get rid of some of my furniture, but I could do it. Really small bathroom and kitchen, but I could do that. Carpet was a little banged up. Door to the bedroom had what appeared to be a fist-sized hole in it. Hmmmm... but, but, but what's that... sound? It's the El. And there it is again. And again. And again. I look out the window. This building is virtually adjoined to the frickin' El. I would be living in the Blues Brothers' apartment. Damon tries to tell me I'd get used to it. Yeah. Sure. Still, I'm weighing the possibility. It remained the most promising of all.

Then I started thinking. So I'd be paying $200 a month more than what I do now, for a smaller, dirtier, louder apartment. I'd have to move in the middle of winter. I'd move out as soon as the lease was up. I'd be unemployed. This wasn't what I had envisioned... So I get pissed. I had zero time to make this decision. While I would like to live in Chicago, I didn't want to live in any of these apartments. So I did the only thing I could do: I backpedaled. Called Walnut Trail and gained a stay of execution for my lease. E-mailed the general manager at Best Buy and preserved the part time job I've had for the last 5 and a half years. And I'm back where I started.

Now, what does this have to do with me not having a girlfriend? Well if I had a girlfriend, it would be possible for me to split rent with her and we could get a nice place in Chicago. But I have no girlfriend, and I have no apartment in Chicago. I bet Virgil's got a girlfriend...

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9/17/02 -- Exhibit G in the The Commissioner Needs a Girlfriend File:
TiVo Fills the Void

On his way out of the cradle of culture that is Best Buy, Commish breaks open the wallet to use as much of his discount as he can before he gets turned away like a common customer. I've pulled the trigger, purchasing a TiVo. An expensive item, to be sure, but given the strange hours of my real job (read: one that won't fire me for arbitrary reasons and one that provides me with vacation days and benefits), TV is harder and harder to keep up with.

TiVo is pretty damn cool. You can rate the shows you're watching and TiVo begins automatically recording those shows and shows like them. Sometimes, this results in mismatches, but more often than not, TiVo gets it right. You can literally fly through commercials. I barely even notice them. Even if you decide to watch live TV, TiVo gives you a drop-down display like you get with DSS, so you know what program you're watching, even if it's in commercial. Due to TiVo's massive recording capacity and no need for tape, I can now watch more TV than ever before. Every conceivable hour of the day (normally reserved for interpersonal relationships) can be filled with relaxing, calming, non-threatening network and cable programming. More TV means less time spent thinking about a girlfriend, or lack thereof. And would a girlfriend take the time to learn and record my favorite shows? I think not. Clearly, TiVo is better than a girlfriend. At least, that's what I tell myself to justify the purchase and to prevent self-immolation.

To bring everything full-circle, TiVo is set to record the Facts of Life reunion movie mentioned in Exhibit E above. Commish missed it during its initial showing. TiVo will never let me down.

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9/26/02 -- Exhibit H in the The Commissioner Needs a Girlfriend File:
TiVo Backfires

TiVo is great. However, I'm now watching a great deal more TV than I used to. TiVo is like a giant sucking black hole of TV, its massive gravitational force pulling in anything and everything I could possibly have an interest in watching. Three particular TiVo selections have given me reason to add an entry here.

The Facts of Life Reunion Movie: High anticipation left largely unfulfilled. The film centers around the Thanksgiving-time reunion of the girls with Mrs. Garrett. Blair has moved up in the world, marrying a guy whose surname is "Warner." (Thus making her Blair Warner-Warner.) Tootie is hosting an AM talk show in California, where she is referred to as "Dorothy." She has a daughter. Natalie is still morbidly obese, though the stretch marks on her face are more prominent. She's a news producer. Jo does not show up. Thankfully, she's not dead. A lame cameo by her (Canadian) husband explains that she (now a police officer) had to transfer some criminal to California so he can testify against a mobster or something. In her stead, we get Jo's daughter, who is, predictably, a tomboy. The Good: Tootie is hot and has a great rack. Blair is still pretty hot, though her clothes do not reveal as much rackage. Jo's daughter also has a huge rack, despite being 14 or so years of age. Blair's license plate: BLR WTCH (har har)

The Bad:

A horrific, close-up shot of Mrs. Garrett's shaking ass as she mixes something in a bowl.

Natalie.

Much of the plot focused on Natlie's two boyfriends, who each showed up for Thanksgiving. Neither is supposed to know the other is there, so we're subjected to the old, sad subplot last used in a "Saved by the Bell" episode where Zack tried to simultaneaously date two girls at once, without letting either one get wise.

After Natalie's two (yeah, right) boyfriends find out about one another, the girls hold a competition to decide which one Nat should choose. This ends up with both men wearing nothing but underwear. Ugh...

The other old, sad subplot is that a restaurant critic is coming to judge the food of the Blair-owned hotel they're all staying at. No, they don't know the identity of the food critic. Yes, they assume one of Nat's boyfriends is the critic. Yes, the real critic shows up at the end and loves the food. (Note to all sitcoms: You can never surpass the "Fawlty Towers" version of this, so don't try.)

No Jo.

The pathetic explanation for Jo's absence.

Natalie could never have one boyfriend, let alone two. If she did have two, they would fight each other not to go out with her. Furthermore, when she does choose which man she wants, that man should laugh at her, not kiss her on the mouth.

So, you take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have: The Facts of Life Reunion Movie.

The Civil War: Yes, Ken Burns's documentary series is running again on PBS. This time, I'm recording each episode (with TiVo's help). I remember in middle school, I was forced to watch this. Now, I not only watch it, I tape it and embrace it. At least I am spared the shame of purchasing this on DVD. And yes, I did contemplate that. This is a very well done documentary, though I have now poured roughly 10 hours of my week into it, so far. The week is not over. Shelby Foote is a badass.

Big Brother 3: Lisa won. I lost (a whole three months of my life).

So there's this show called Cupid, created by Simon Cowell of American Idol fame. A 25-year-old girl from Detroit is put up for auction (more or less) and her whore friends act as judges over the men who come before her. You're a 25-year-old fairly attractive woman, and your best friends are a divorced hell-spawn who works at a hair salon and a spineless, whiny shrew who looks like a Jim Henson creation.

The girls stop in Chicago, Miami, New York and L.A. to audition suitors. In unbelievably bad American Idol style, they imitate Simon when dismissing the guys. "Oh, please!" rampaging hell-beast might say. Or, "Uhhhh... no," whines the sissy broad who's likely never had a boyfriend. And through it all, the prize sits smiling vacantly, looking to either side for approval.

But here's the thing that hits Commish's ignition: "Lisa is most attracted to a man with intelligence and a sense of humor, someone who can keep up with her active lifestyle. The qualities that are least attractive to her are lack of ambition--personally and professionally--as well as a fear of commitment. Her ideal man is someone who is trustworthy, honest, driven, genuine, secure and confident, but not arrogant. He needs to be a great listener, but, most importantly, someone who makes her laugh."

Listen, if "someone who makes her laugh" is "most important," why isn't she head over heels for David Letterman, Steve Martin or Robin Williams? I'll tell you why. It's a damn dirty lie. Saying you want a man with a sense of humor is like saying you want Magellan steering your lifeboat. It'd be nice, but you'll take whatever you can get. A woman who says she wants a sense of humor only thinks she wants a sense of humor. Don't all women say this? Isn't it all just a front? Why are 75% of the men who made it past the initial rounds stock traders? Is it because stock traders have a higher incidence of intelligence, humor, honesty and confidence? Nay. Those guys were picked because these shrieking harpies are out for Dead Presidents.

Give credit to Anna Nicole Smith. At least she was honest enough to snare a wealthy walking corpse. This nag is looking at the wallet first, and the heart of the man carrying it second.

And she's an advertising copywriter, for crying out loud! How would you like to have kids with a woman who wrote a Polident commercial?

I don't know if I'm angrier at the say-one-thing-do-another Universal Woman Code or the fact that I'd get bounced within two seconds of walking into the room. But I'm not an equities trader, so what do I know?

Methinks any chance I have at finding a chick will evaporate whenever Blind Date gets canceled.

Because of my jacked up work schedule, I work three days in the morning and two days until midnight. So invariably, I sleep in hella-late on Saturday and Sunday. My weekend (Monday and Tuesday), the pattern continues. I sleep in even later. And that makes it even harder to wake up Wednesday, for the early start of my week.

When I woke up around 4:30 p.m. on Monday, I basically knew my weekend was shot. So that's when I came up with Brilliant Plan #273.™

Brilliant Plan #273™ involves me not sleeping the entire weekend. Since I got up so late Monday, I'd just stay awake more then 24 hours. Then, when I went to sleep early on Tuesday night, I could sleep for like a dozen hours and wake up totally refreshed for work Wednesday. Perhaps, even early. So now the question became, "What the hell do I do with more than 24 hours?" This is where Brilliant Plan #273™ begins to show simliarities with Plan for Guaranteed Failure #714.™

My goal? To catalog every single videotape I own. While this may seem like an easy task for those of you with 4 tapes scattered around your den, this is a nightmarish hell-scape for me. I have over 70 videotapes. And these aren't your typical one-movie-per-tape Blockbuster jobs. These are mostly 8-hour blank tapes, filled with all sorts of oddities since my family first scored a VCR like 15 years ago. And indeed, such a monumental task would take every bit of concentration I could spare for more than 24 hours.

Among the items inexplicably saved in my collection...

5 episodes of Ernest's old Saturday morning show, Hey, Vern, It's Ernest! Simply godawful, in retrospect.

Stanford Jennings' kickoff returned for a touchdown in Super Bowl XXIII, January 22, 1989. Not the whole game, mind you. Just the kickoff return. At the time, I thought it might have been Ickey Woods, and having never seen "The Ickey Shuffle," I wanted to tape it to check it out. (I was 11 years old. Lay off.)

9 movies/programs I've since purchased on DVD.

However, there were many cool finds, as well...

Highlights from the December 21, 1997 NFL Primetime, wherein Barry Sanders eclipses 2,000 yards. At a game my father, brothers and I attended, no less.

Several useful stories about the 1997 Star Wars rerelease and the hype surrounding 1999's Episode I. These come from CBS News, 60 Minutes, CNN's short-lived Entertainment Weekly program, and the Fox special hosted by Howie Long (?!?), among others.

An old, now eerie appearance by Chris Farley on Conan. He continually berates himself and then sings a song called, "I'm a clown, but I cry." How did we not see that coming?

The Wayne's World 2 MTV Special. Funnier than the movie, actually. They do this Top 10 Babes of the Year list. Seeing them riff on Rebecca Gayheart's Noxema commercial is outstanding. Plus, you've got the whole, "I'm a leprechaun" thing over and over. And there's an entire segment dedicated to trying to figure out Bjork. (Good luck.)

A special called John Stossel: Men, Women & the Sex Difference. It's this really cool show about how men and women are biologically different. The best part is how he talks to femi-psychos like Gloria Steinem and tries to rationalize with them. (No, a woman doesn't make a good firefighter. Yes, there are differences in how our genders react even days after birth. No, women should not be bodybuilding.)

And there were things I knew I had, but I'm glad I saved them, anyway...

The Human Face - A fascinating documentary series done by the BBC, starring John Cleese and Elizabeth Hurley. It's all about how we use our face to communicate, how important it is in daily life and why the people with symmetrical faces are more beautiful. Also cool, the part where they reveal that there isn't necessarily a "tell" when you lie. But, there are these things called "micro-expressions" where your brow lifts slightly during a fib. To demonstrate, they play back the Clinton classic, "I did not have sex with that woman. Miss Lewinsky." Sure enough, he's busted.

Second to None and The Laugh Track - documentaries on the Second City process. Both the Conservatory (which I've done) and the Main Stage (which I want to do more than anything).

A lengthy discussion of comedy with Steve Martin - "People laugh more when it's cold. People laugh more when it's dark." Plus, there's an old film he does where fabled comedy writers ask him, "Steve, what's the proper amount of time to wait between a joke and a punch line?" Steve replies, "4.2 seconds." And the writers applaud him.

A&E Biographies of John Candy, John Belushi, Gilda Radner, Steve Martin, George Lucas, and Saturday Night Live. The SNL one is particularly meaningful. They spend a week with the cast and the guest star as they prepare for the show.

And lots and lots and lots of really great movies. (Just not quite great enough to merit a place in my glorious DVD library.)

So, what does all this mean? Well, my video tape library is much more organized now. 70 tapes have been catalogued down to the last minute. And aside from a few strays I need to rustle up, I now know where almost everything I've ever taped is located. This is the type of time-consuming, mind-numbing, obsessively anal task that can only be completed by someone with complete and utter devotion to television programs he taped years ago. Even the slightest deviation from the goal could throw him off. So thank God I didn't have a woman prancing around, distracting me from the task at hand. Brilliant Plan #273™, I declare you a total success! (Take that, hypothetical time-consuming girlfriend.)

Side note: Archiving and organization would not have been possible without TiVo, the sexiest device known to man.

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11/2/04 -- Exhibit K in the The Commissioner Needs a Girlfriend File:
Election Night, TiVo and Dan Rather

Your official Dan Rather quadrennial mental breakdown:

7:41 p.m. - "This is more complicated than the wiring diagram for some hydroelectric dam dynamo."

7:48 p.m. - "You know, we may need Billy Crystal to analyze this before it's over."

7:51 p.m. - "One's reminded of that old saying, 'Don't taunt the alligator until after you've crossed the creek.'"

8:01 p.m. - "Play a verse of Johnny B. Goode in Illinois for John Kerry."

8:05 p.m. - "George Bush is sweeping through the South like a big wheel through a Delta cotton field."

8:07 p.m. - "This presidential race is hotter than the devil's anvil."

8:36 p.m. - "What Kerry needs is the equivalent of Tom Brady coming off the bench and bringing him from behind in the race."

8:39 p.m. - "The presidential race (is) swinging like Count Basie."

11:44 p.m. - "No question now that Kerry's rapidly reaching the point where he's got his back to the wall, his shirt-tails on fire and the bill collector's at the door."

11:52 p.m. - "John Kerry needs something on the order of a 55 or 60-yard field goal to win this."

12:10 a.m. - "John Kerry's in the position of, if you want to use the metaphor, he's got to draw to an inside straight. But hey, sometimes you get the right card and you hit that straight."

12:11 a.m. - "Vice President Dick Cheney would not have flown all the way out there (Hawaii) overnight and put that lei around his neck and sort of hula-danced, if you will, unless he thought there was a chance of carrying that out there."

12:14 a.m. - (To Joe Lockhart) "I know that you'd rather walk through a furnace in a gasoline suit than consider the possibility that John Kerry would lose Ohio."

12:15 a.m. - (Also to Joe Lockhart) "What about Michigan? It's been out there for a long time. Is that making your fingernails sweat?"

12:37 a.m. - "This presidential race has been crackling like a hickory fire for at least the last hour and a half."

12:37 a.m. - "No one is saying that George Bush is not going to win the election, and if you had to bet the double-wide, you'd have to bet that he'd win."

12:37 a.m. - "We keep talking about Ohio if you've been tuning in and out or you put the baby to bed or you went to pop the cap on an adult, or otherwise, beverage..."

12:42 a.m. - "John Kerry has a... his lead is as thin as turnip soup."

12:45 a.m. - "If a frog had sidepockets, he'd carry a handgun."

12:50 a.m. - "You know that old song, 'it's delightful, it's delicious, it's de-lovely' for President Bush in most areas of the country."

1:03 a.m. - "Do you hear that knocking? President Bush's re-election is at the door. Knock, knock, knock."

1:06 a.m. - "Is it a case of, like a swan, every feather in place above the water, but now below, they're paddling like crazy and worried about Ohio?"

2:18 a.m. - "Folks, these are the kinds of nights that give campaign managers a case of the hives or something. That's one reason so many of them drink a lot."

2:41 a.m. - "If this thing gets any closer, somebody's gonna have to call 911, call the police, call a nurse, call somebody."

2:54 a.m. - "Keep in mind they're absolutely, teetotally, meemotally convinced they're going to carry Ohio."

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9/17/05 -- Exhibit L in the The Commissioner Needs a Girlfriend File:
The Endless Job Search

Since my... ahem... dismissal from the lovely Fox Chicago, I've applied at nearly a billion places of business. I initially kept track of my applications, then gave up, saddened by the growing list. When applying for unemployment benefits (which would later be denied) I had to keep track. Here is a listing of the places I've applied since the end of July (items in red indicate an eventual interview):

7/27 - First Business Network - Broadcast News Producer 7/27 - Slack Barshinger - Junior Copywriter 7/28 - Marketwire - Associate Editor 7/29 - ComCast SportsNet - Producer 7/29 - WBBM-TV (CBS) - Producer 8/3 - WBBM-TV (CBS) - Writer 8/3 - WMAQ (NBC) - Writer 8/7 - WLS-TV (ABC) - Special Projects Producer 8/12 - Sara Lee - Communications Manager 8/12 - CLTV - Executive Producer 8/12 - TIC Broadcast Group - Central Content Producer 8/16 - WTTW - Associate Producer 8/16 - Strategics, Inc. - Media Relations Specialist 8/16 - FastWeb - Education Relations Coordinator 8/16 - Orbitz - Manager of Corporate Communications 8/16 - Potbelly Sandwich Works - New Store Marketing Manager 8/25 - Making History - Documentary Writer 8/30 - Chipotle - Local Store Marketing Consultant 8/30 - City of Chicago - Library Associate 9/2 - Harpo Productions - Associate Producer 9/2 - MediaLink - Writer 9/2 - Kaplan - Copy Editor 9/5 - Abbott Laboratories - Art Director 9/6 - American Medical Association - Reporter 9/6 - Company Unknown - Customer Service Rep. 9/7 - RR Donnelly - Director of Media Communications 9/8 - Children's Memorial Hospital - Associate Director of Campaign Communications 9/8 - Northwestern Memorial Hospital - Editor 9/8 - Paladin Staffing - Proofreader/Editor 9/9 - Challenger, Gray and Christmas - Writer/Editor 9/9 - PR Newswire - Assistant Editor 9/9 - DownBeat Magazine - Associate Editor 9/9 - Blockbuster - Clerk 9/15 - Coca-Cola - Associate Communications Media Manager 9/15 - WBBM-TV (CBS) - Writer/Producer 9/16 - Best Buy - Product Specialist 9/16 - Circuit City - Product Specialist 9/16 - Tweeter - Product Specialist 9/20 - The Jerry Springer Show - Associate Producer 9/22 - WLS-TV (ABC) - Staff Stagehand 9/22 - WBBM-TV (CBS) - Producer or News Writer 9/22 - Merchandise Mart - Director of Public Relations 9/22 - National PTA - Writer/Editor 9/27 - Electric Artists - Metro Editor 10/3 - Chicago Public Radio - News Producer 10/3 - Avenue A/Razorfish - Copy Writer 10/3 - AFSCME - Communications Coordinator 10/3 - Government Finance Officers Association - Marketing Communications Writer 10/5 - Company Unknown - TV Producer 10/5 - The LaSalle Network - Researcher 10/12 - WLS Radio - Producer 10/12 - Starcom Mediavest Group - Media Supervisor 10/12 - Businesswire - Copy Editor 10/14 - Cars.com - Senior Web Editor 10/15 - VH-1 - Supervising Producer 10/15 - ABC - Associate Producer 10/17 - NY1 - News Writer 10/17 - NY1 - Associate Producer 10/17 - Fox News Channel - Associate Producer 10/18 - Chicago Children's Museum - Director of Media 10/18 - NBC - Writer/Producer 10/18 - News 12 - Producer/Associate Producer 10/21 - Midway Games - Temporary Quality Assurance Tester 10/21 - The Food Group - Proofreader 10/21 - WBBM Newsradio - Content Producer 10/21 - Google - Creative Maximizer Producer 10/21 - Tribune Interactive - Interactive Ad Producer 10/21 - Company Unknown - Associate Media Producer 10/23 - WLS Radio - Webmaster 10/23 - University of Chicago - News Writer 10/27 - CBS - Sales Assistant 10/31 - Newsday.com - Internet News Manager 10/31 - Word of Mouth Marketing Association - Editor/Blogger 11/2 - Associated Press - Camera Operator 11/3 - World Book - Assistant Managing Editor 11/3 - Cars.com - Copy Editor

So of these 76 jobs, I'm apparently only remotely qualified for four of them. This, despite the fact that in fewer than three years, I went from total television novice to producer in the third largest market in the country. I was in charge of a television program that could be viewed by more than three million people. This, apparently, is not impressive enough. Bear in mind, I have about 45 days worth of applying where I wasn't even keeping track.

Right now, it's all I can think about. I'm sitting here, trying to figure out where the hell I went wrong... why I'm apparently untouchable in the employment world... why 72 of these places wouldn't even grant me the courtesy of a rejection in person. So discombobulated I've become, I dropped out of Improv Olympic (the whole reason I moved here in the first place). My mind is locked in this cycle of rejection and frustration.

And if I had a girlfriend, she might be able to at least distract me for a second or two. But chicks don't dig unemployed guys. They're all about the money. I ain't got no money and I ain't got no girl. If I had a pickup truck that ran over my dog, I'd be in the world's most predictable country song.

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