Johnny: I cant, besides i never said it was
Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and finds The President whooping and hollering.
"Whats the matter Mr President?" he asks.
"Nothing, I just finished a jigsaw" beamed The President
"Fantastic" replies Cheney, "How long did it take you?"
"Well the box said 3 to 5 years but i did it in a month!!"
Psssst.....
........even Jesus hates Creed...
She forgot the key and doesnt know when to come in.
China: "This wall isnt so great.."
Ethiopia: "After that long journey im famished....hey lady, those flies sure love your pregnant son"
Japan: "Whats Hiroshima, is it some kind of sushi?"
Five, one to change the light bulb and four to hold back the guitarists trying to barge there way into the spotlight
One, two...one two
Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
American Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to proude the milk of four cows. You are suprised when the cow drops dead.
French Capitalism: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
Japanese Capitalism: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.
German Capitalism: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.
Italian Capitalism: You have two cows, but you dont know where they are. You break for lunch.
British Capitalism: You have two cows. They are both mad.
Russian Capitalism: You have two cows. You count them again and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
Swiss Capitalism: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
Canadian Capitalism: You have 12 cows. You start a hockey team.
Chinese Capitalism: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
Irish Capitalism: You have two cows. You feed them potatoes and wonder why they emigrate.
Israeli Capitalism: You have two cows. They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send there calves to Harvard to become doctors, so who needs people?
Cuban Capitalism: You have two cows. They try to swim to Florida.
Australian Capitalism: You have two cows. You try to wrestle them.
Iraqi Capitalism: You have two cows. They are biochemical weapons.
Californian Capitalism: You have two cows. They are happy.
Arkansas Capitalism: You have two cows. The one on the left is kinda cute....
Disney Capitalism: You have two cows. They dance and sing.
Clinton Capitalism: You have two cows. You deny any knowledge of them.
Nevadan Capitalism: You have two cows. You charge lonely men from Arkansas to spend the night with them.
Surreal Capitalism: You have two Girraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
A man walks into a bar and he's really angry. The bartender gives hima drink and asks what the matter is.
All he says is "All lawyers are assholes"
A man sitting in the corner shouts "I take offence to that!"
"Why" asks the pissed off guy, "Are you a lawyer?"
He replies "No, im an asshole"
Fish
A few days later the old ladies doorbell rang and she was greeted with a limbless man in a wheelchair.
"Ive come about the ad in the paper" said the man, "As you can see i have no arms so i cant beat you, no legs so i cant run away"
"yes" said the lady "but are you good in bed?"
"how do you think i rang the doorbell"
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions
First cow: "Have you heard about that mad cow disease thats going around?"
Second cow: "Yeah, Makes you glad your a penguin doesnt it"
They all get out and look at the problem
"I cant do anything about this, its a hardware problem" says the software manager
The hardware manager looks at it and says "Maybe if we turn the car off and then on again, it will fix itself"
Then the marketing manager says "Hell, 75% of its working, lets ship it!!"
Officer: Sir you were going at least 75 in a 55.
Man: No i wasnt i was going 60
Wife: Oh Harry you were doing 80
Officer: Im also going to have to give you a ticket for having a broken brake light.
Man: But i didnt know i had a broken brake light
Wife Oh Harry you've known about that light for weeks
Officer: And im afraid im going to have to fine you for not wearing a seatbelt.
Man: But i only took it off when you were walking up to the car
Wife: Oh Harry you never wear your seatbelt
Man turns to his wife and yells: Oh Shut up woman!!
Officer: Ma'am does your husband always talk to you in this way
Wife: Only when he's drunk.
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek Men and 1 Greek woman
2 English Men and 1 English woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman
The two French men and the French woman are living happily in a Menage-a-Trois
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of visiting the German woman
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for both of them
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting intructions.
The two Chinese men have open up a liquor store, a laundry, a restaraunt and a pharmacy and have got the Chinese woman pregnant in order to supply the workforce.
The two American men are contemplating suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm tree's make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her a lotmore and treated her better than either of these two do, but how her relationship with her mother is improving and how there isnt any tax and at least its not raining.
The two Irish men have divided the island into north and south and have set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture cos things get a little bit hazy after your fourth bottle of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied cos at least the English arent getting any either.
Martin Luther King: I envisige a world in which chickens can cross the road and not have their motives called into question.
Saddam Hussein: This was an act of unprovoked rebellion and we are entirely justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on the chicken.
Grandad: In my day we didnt ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road and that was good enough for us.
Fox Mulder: You saw the chicken cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens do you have to see before you belive?
American: To steal jobs from hard working americans.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Einstein: Did the chicken cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
The first woman said "My husbands a phsycologist and before we make love he brings me flowers and candy, i like that"
The second woman said "My husbands a mechanic, so when we make love its a little rough but he really gets my motor going and i like that."
The third woman said "My husband works for Microsoft, so he sits ont he edge of the bed telling me how good its going to be when i finally get it"
None. He fell.