"What was that about?" I asked approaching Susan.
Susan looked disappointed that I had seen Hayden, "It was nothing....he was just saying 'Hello.' I'm sorry....Adam said he'd be out of town."
"I don't care about that," I said. "I am just wondering what gives him the right to approach my friends," I knew I was being bold - it was alcohol-induced for sure but I was angry.
"Adrienne, please....just leave it," Susan said cautiously. She knew me well - she could tell I'd reached my drinking limit.
For the most part, I could be the 'fun drunk' of any group -- but sometimes, if there was already resentment or anger present, it seemed to be enhanced with intoxication.
Susan tried to stop me but I brushed her hand away as I walked wobbily over to Hayden, who was standing with the blonde girl from before.
"Hello!" I said, approaching Hayden who looked genuinely surprised and not at all sure of what to expect from me.
"So, are you drunk as usual?" I asked him.
Hayden just looked at me for a second, "actually I've had one drink all night...but thanks for asking."
"Well, good for you! That's a first!"
"Adrienne," Hayden said sternly.
"What? I'm just speaking the truth, Hayden....you're all about being honest, right?" I said, looking right at him.
Hayden narrowed his eyes and a second later I felt someone pulling on my arm.
"Hey, we need to go....now," Susan said, looking from me to Hayden to the blonde girl.
"Why? The night is young and I'm here having a wonderful conversation with Hayden and his lady friend," I replied.
Hayden looked quizzically at Susan, waiting to see what she would say.
"I know but we really need to go -- besides Todd is looking for you...he thought you left," Susan said.
"Oh Todd, I forgot!" I said. "It was nice seeing you both," I said, walking away quickly, thinking over and over what a stupid person I was....why couldn't I just deal and let it go?
"What are you doing, Adrienne?" Susan asked, still holding my arm as I walked back to the bar.
"I don't know....just don't remind me about this tomorrow, alright?" I asked shakily.
"Are you alright?" the blonde girl asked Hayden as he watched from across the room.
His attention snapped back to the girl beside him.
"Yeah, I'm fine -- hey, it was very nice to meet ya....I'm gonna be heading out now though," he said quickly with a smile and walked away toward the door.
~~~~
Susan and I were singing along to the radio in the cab - I'm sure it was quite annoying to the poor cab drivers who have to drive the drunks home at 2am.
Susan had already decided to stay over and sleep on my couch. We pulled up to my apartment, paid the cab driver and stepped out.
Susan noticed before I did, "oh my god..."
"What?" I asked, turning to look at what she had seen.
Sitting on my porch, bundled up in a big coat and sitting in my swing was Hayden.
~~~~~
Hayden watched us walk up the sidewalk to the porch.
"What are you doing here?" Susan asked.
"Susan! Let me handle this, please!" I said, cutting her off.
Hayden stood up from the swing.
Susan took my key, walking past Hayden without so much as a word, unlocked the front door and stepped inside.
Hayden just looked at me.
"What?" I practically yelled. Most of the effects of the alcohol were gone -- now I was just angry and frustrated. "What do you want from me?"
Hayden looked down, "I wanted to make sure you would be alright -- you looked pretty out of it at the bar."
"It's not your job to protect me," I retorted.
"Maybe not, but that doesn't mean I've stopped caring about you....for some reason you seem to think that," Hayden said.
"...because if you really cared about me, you would just leave me alone," I said, feeling the tears ready to stream. Damn alcohol.
Hayden shut his eyes -- "I've hurt you pretty badly-- but I can't turn away without knowing you will be okay..."
"I'll be fine -- I need to do this on my own but this is hard and you aren't making things any easier for me...." I said. Hayden nodded quietly, looking sullen.
"I'm sorry," was all he said.
I was silent for a moment and then made a bold question known. "What would you have done if I had stepped out of the cab with a guy?"
Hayden looked at me, "I don't know, honestly. I hadn't really thought about that."
I merely smirked in response. "Can you really just be my friend?....could you watch me date other guys?"
Hayden swallowed hard, thinking. "Once again, something I hadn't really thought about either.....probably not."
I nodded. "That's the predicament I'm left with -- I can't be with you so I don't want to have to watch someone else be with you, even casually.....maybe someday we can be friends -- but not right now," I said.
Hayden nodded in response.
We were both silent a moment. Hayden turned toward the porch step.
"I promise, I won't bother you any more -- but if you do decide that you want me as a friend someday-- when you're ready, I'll be here."
That said, he turned and walked down the sidewalk and over to his car.
I shook my head, watching him leave and then turned to enter my apartment.
~~~
"What the hell is wrong with that guy?!" Susan exclaimed as I walked in the door.
"He's struggling -- just for different reasons than me," I replied.
"Well that's not good enough!" Susan yelled. "He chose this -- so now he has to deal with it...he wants to be able to date who he wants but still have you there, hanging by a thread, waiting for him to grow up.... f&^% that!" Susan was angry by this point.
I sighed, not wanting to talk about it anymore.
~~~The next six months went by in a flurry. I was finishing up graduate classes and working 50 hour work weeks at the restaurant. Hayden had kept his word- I didn't hear from him a single time. Inevitably, this made things easier with each passing day.
He had been gone most of the time, off on locations everywhere from Thailand to Rome.
I always heard rumblings that he was dating this starlet or that starlet but none of it seemed to stick. I guess in the back of my mind, I was glad -- that meant that it wasn't just me -- I couldn't keep him but neither could anyone else.....
I had actually begun dating Todd - the guy from that night at Guvernment. He had been so sweet and supportive throughout the whole emotional mess of things.
We've been dating for the past six months and things are wonderful. He even asked my father's permission before giving me a beautiful engagement ring this past Christmas.
I finally felt happy and complete -- I had clinged Hayden from my life and from my emotions....at least I thought so.
Apparently, fate had one more joke to play at my expense.