"Alright -- we some choices here," Susan said, opening the bag she had brought with her.
"We have Chunky Monkey, Fudge Brownie or Cherry Garcia for the ice cream choices and "Scoop," "Walk The Line" or "Superman Returns" for our movie choices."
"How about Fudge Brownie for me and "Superman Returns" to watch first," I replied.
"Alright," Susan said, handing me the tub of ice cream and walking over to set up the DVD.
It was great to have company -- It would have made things even more difficult to sit here alone tonight. I needed the moral support and the encouragement that Susan had given after I explained Hayden's invitation.
"That guy -- I can't even begin to understand him," Susan had said, shaking her head. So that's great, at least I wasn't the only one completely flabbergasted by the whole thing.
We settled in, eating our ice cream and watched the movie.
Once the movie was over, we decided to take a break before our second selection. Susan went to the bathroom while I took the cartons into the kitchen to clean up.
It was nearly 10:30 by now and even though I had an early class, I wasn't about to send Susan home until I had to -- to be alone right now would be my downfall.
I was approaching this the way I approach any project or task - with motivation and determination. I would not be weak to Hayden anymore, I just wouldn't....I could be a lot of stronger than I had been and at this point, it is a matter of self preservation.
I thought I faintly heard the doorbell when I was running the garbage disposal but wasn't sure until I walked back into the living room where a befuddled Susan stood at the door with Hayden right beside her.
~~~
"Hi," Hayden gave me a small smile as I continued into the living room.
"Hi," I replied.
Susan still stood in place, really not sure what to say or do.
"You missed a great dinner, so I thought I'd bring some to you," Hayden said presenting a bag he'd been holding.
Susan's mouth gaped open unintentionally, looking from Hayden to me.
"Uh...thanks," I replied, taking the bag.
"I'm -- going to get some more, pepsi, from the kitchen," Susan said, trying to make a hasty exit.
I gave her a weak smile and silently cursed her for leaving the room to make things even more awkward. This was the first time I had seen Hayden sober since our break up.
"Well thanks for the food," I said, trying to be curt.
"You're welcome -- I'm sorry I didn't call first," Hayden said. "I...just wanted to see you."
I don't know where it came from or how -- but suddenly, I wasn't filled with longing or sadness, I was angry....and it all came bubbling to the surface.
"Hayden - what are you doing?" I asked him suddenly.
"What? Just bringing you food."
"Yeah, but the question is why?? I mean, this whole thing that's been going on lately -- its been really confusing and complicated and its just plain wrong."
Hayden looked genuinely confused. "I never meant to force you to do something you felt was wrong...."
"Yeah, I don't really believe you were thinking about me at all," I said, on a roll now. "I think you just wanted someone there and I was the easiest target -- I was less work than to go out and pick up a stranger....and I can't do it anymore....It.....it hurts too much."
Hayden's mouth dropped open, not at all sure of what to say. I couldn't tell if he felt upset or confused. He just stood there looking at me. "Is that what you really think of me? Do you think you're just a warm body to me after everything that has happened?!" he asked, incredulously.
"What am I supposed to think?? I never hear from you unless you're tanked late at night! It's surely not a relationship anymore!" I cried. "I mean - what do you want from me? You wanted your freedom, you wanted to break up and now you're here, trying to act like my boyfriend again," I said.
Hayden stood for a second, silent. He knew there was truth to the statement -- "I'm trying to be your friend and I never meant for any of this to turn out the way that it did....I didn't realize it was hurting you," Hayden said.
"Well, it is hurting me and I can't be your friend so please leave," I said in a tone that was pretty harsh - perhaps even more harsh than I had intended.
Hayden sighed, not sure whether to leave or try to talk more but I didn't give him a chance to decide. I brushed past Susan and back into the kitchen as she was walking into the room.
Hayden just looked at Susan with weak expression.
"I'm going to go - nice seein' ya Susan," he said, turning on his heel and walked out the door.