"Don't tell me, again last night?" Susan asked me with a serious look. We had met for lunch that afternoon to catch up since I hadn't seen her much lately. I guess in a way I was purposely avoiding her although I'm not proud of it....I just can't hear another person confirm what I already know in my mind to be true. I have to handle this in my own way.
"Yes, but I really don't want to talk about it -- because that was it, that was the last time," I replied, hoping she would just drop the subject.
Susan just looked at me, not at all believing what I was saying.
"So, how's work?" I asked, desperately changing the subject.
"Great actually!" Susan perked up, "I just landed another account!"
"That's terrific!" I replied.
Susan was one of the top reps at her Advertising firm. She had gotten an internship there in college and had excelled to an excellent full time position after graduation.
We laughed and continued our lunches-- all was well. It felt really good to just be talking about something else and to not be constantly analyzing and wondering. It was way too time-consuming not to mention completely exhausting.
I was bound and determine to clinge Hayden from my life -- I knew it would have to be that way. I would never be able to bottle my emotions enough to just be his friend -- it wouldn't be any healthier than this ridiculous debaucle I was already currently involved in where he was concerned. The real obstacle would be in actually accomplishing this goal.
We were finishing up our lunches when I felt my cell phone vibrating in my purse next to my feet. I reached down to see if it was anyone calling from the restaurant. To be surprise, Hayden's number was flashing on the screen.
I looked at Susan, "It's Hayden."
She looked at me and said wryly, "has his drinking spilled over into the daylight hours as well?"
I gave her a dry smirk and looked back to the phone.
"Be strong," she said.
I closed my eyes and set the phone back in my purse, letting the call go to my voicemail. I would be able to tell if he left a message -- and I have to admit, he did have me curious as to why he'd be calling in the middle of the day. That was a new gesture in our current mess.
"Interesting," Susan said. Despite her efforts to be the nay-sayer for my own good, she had a way of treating the situation like one of her soap operas to catch up on the latest drama and emotional treachery.
"I don't know and I don't care....I'm serious," I said, taking a final bite of my salad.
Soonafter, she and I said our goodbyes and I headed back to campus for my only graduate course of the afternoon.
I took a deep breath, retrieving the cell phone from my purse - seeing that I had a new voicemail. I dialed the voicemail number and listened.
"Hey, it's Hayden," the voice began. He sounded like his usual self - "I was wondering if you had any plans tonight- Tove and I are entertaining some agency reps that are working on a Forest Park project and I wanted to see if you would be my dinner date - Spago, tonight 9pm. Let me know if you would be interested, bye."
I sighed deeply, now more confused than before. I shut my eyes, wishing and hoping for a way to know how to handle this -- I knew I needed to walk away. I needed to be away from Hayden for good this time....but for him to go and do this? This was starting to cancel out the thought I had imprinted in my mind - that I was just a late night hook-up....it was starting to cancel out the reasons I had convinced myself to walk away in the first place.
I was at a total loss - not at all sure of what I should do - my logical, cynical side willed me to call him and decline - my emotional and curious side willed me to accept the invitation and at least try to understand what was going on here.
I remembered Susan's words from earlier, 'be strong'.
I flipped my phone open and with a shaking hand, returned Hayden's phone call. He picked up after the first ring.
"Hey Addie!" he said brightly.
"Hi Hayden...how are you?" I fumbled.
"I'm alright -- how are you? I guess you got my message?" he asked.
"Yes, I did....and thanks....but the truth is, I don't think I'll be able to make it," I replied.
"Oh," I could hear the disappointment in Hayden's voice over that simple word. "I'm sorry to hear that...I was really hoping you could make it...I know Tove would love to see ya."
I shut my eyes, silently willing myself to stand my ground. "I know and I appreciate it...I really just have a lot of work to do and I think its better if I just stay home, but thanks for the invitation."
"I understand, maybe next time," Hayden replied.
"Yeah, maybe."
We both fumbled with what to say and eventually just said goodbye.
I sighed another deep breath I hadn't been aware that I was holding.
I opened up my phone again and dialed quickly.
Susan was back at work and the phone went to her voicemail so I left a message - "Hey Susan? It's Adrienne. I was thinking if you didn't have any plans tonight, maybe you could bring a movie over to the apartment...a movie and plenty of Ben and Jerry's ice cream...I think I'm gonna need it."