That's how the cycle began -- and continued.....those late night phone calls that really only occurred when he'd been drinking way too much -- the incessant questioning of why we'd broken up, the fear that he'd made a huge mistake....yet these revelations never seemed to come in the sober light of day. He became a different person at night -- he was the person who still wanted to be with me - and it was addictive.
Then he would ask me to come over and stay with him --that's why I'm here -- because I'm weak.
The mornings usually turned out the same each time, waking to awkward silences...I never knew what to say and was always ready to kick myself for being so weak-willed. Silence always seemed alright with him -he would usually be so hungover, it was hard to make conversation anyway.
It's a ridiculous cycle that makes me feel stupid after each encounter -- but I can't help it...I find myself drawn to him over and over again.
"Can't you see that he's just using you? If he really wanted to get back together, you wouldn't just hear from him when he's looking for a late night drunken booty call," Susan always says. I know that she's right....but her lectures are not what I need right now. I've always considered myself to be a smart person -- but intelligence or maturity doesn't always win out over emotions. I can see this for what it is -- I'm not fooling myself into believing its more-- I know it should stop and soon.....its just a matter of willpower - mind over matter.
I knew I needed to call him on all of the things he would say in the dark but would never acknowledge when he was sober. The old 'Addie' wanted to believe him when he said how much he still cared about me but I knew better - it was the alcohol talking every time....he didn't want 'me,' he just wanted 'someone'.....which lead me to the question I was gathering the courage to ask one particular night here in his room.
"Why do you call me to come here and be with you if you wanted a 'single life' and freedom to hook up with whoever you wanted?" I asked his sleeping form lying there next to me-- he had passed out once again and the truth was, that was the only time I could get up the nerve to ask him such questions. It is ridiculous but even after being with him - he still had a way of completely intimidating me without even trying. Just being around him was like being around a larger- than-life force. He was by far, the most attractive man I had ever seen and the fact that he was completely oblivious to it made him even more irresistible. I knew that other women were completely drawn to him so finding another 'warm body' wouldn't exactly be a problem for him....but I knew I was only going to get hurt trying to analyze his actions, the actions that were taken under a drunken influence. He was drunk on alcohol and I was drunk on the way he made me feel when I was with him (as corny and cliched as I know that sounds)
He was one of those men who wasn't just attractive, he was stunning. I know, I continue to make excuses for my weakness when it comes to Hayden - but its a strong, powerful force - pure magneticism.
I knew that sooner than later, I was going to have to face the reality of the situation -- and part of me should be angry for the way things were turning out...angry that he was taking advantage of my vulnerability and that I was allowing it. If I ended up really hurt by it all this time around, I would have no one to blame but myself.