"Its really for the best," Susan said, handing me another tissue.
She had come over after Todd left and I had told her about what happened.
I shook my head, "Its only for the best because I created a horrible situation in which he had no other choice..."
Susan just looked at me. "Like I told you before, the fact that all of this happened at all -- maybe you aren't meant to be with Todd....regardless of what may happen with Hayden."
I wiped my eyes -- it seemed like I'd cried rivers over the past week.
"Does Hayden know? I mean, about you and Todd breaking up?"
I shook my head, "I haven't talked to him -- he was supposed to leave today."
"Maybe you should call him and talk to him about everything," Susan offered.
I looked up at her in surprise, "so, you're actually supportive of this whole thing with Hayden?"
Susan cocked her head to the side, thinking, "I wouldn't say I'm supportive of Hayden -- more like I am supportive of what you feel you need to do."
I smiled, "Thank you -- that means a lot to me."
"I just don't want you to feel like you ever need to keep something from me, I'm not that judgmental..." Susan said. "...and I'm your friend, so I'll always be here for you - even if I don't always agree with what you do."
We hugged for a moment until Susan pulled away, looking at her watch.
"I really should be heading out - are you sure you don't want to come and stay with me?"
I shook my head, "no, I think I just want to crawl into my bed and go to sleep....I think I need some time by myself."
Susan nodded, "alright - well call me."
It was around midnight - I went to my room and got into my pajamas.
I crawled under my blankets and laid there for the longest time -- thinking about what I needed to do next. I had gone from being engaged to being single in five minutes' time.
I knew the whole effect of it all hadn't sunk in yet - I was numb in a way but could start to feel the dull nag of a void. Todd's absence would really hit me as it should.
I closed my eyes, thinking.
Was Hayden really ready for more? Could I trust him?
Thoughts swimming in my head, I decided that I needed to talk to him about everything that was happening. He had left the ball in my court, so to speak.
I pulled out my cell phone and dialed his number. It was only a little after nine in California.
"Hello?" Hayden answered.
"Hi, it's Addie."
"Hey," he said, in a soft, gentle tone.
"Am I calling you at a bad time?" I asked.
"No, not at all," Hayden replied, "Tove was just challenging me to a street race."
I shook my head in confusion, "street racing?"
Hayden chuckled, "Yeah - Need for Speed Carbon, PS3."
I shook my head and laughed.
"Oh I see -- what? No parties, out on the town for your first night back in L.A.?" I asked playfully.
"Nah -I told you -- I've changed...." Hayden said.
I furrowed my eyebrows, "oh yeah? I certainly saw you at some bars in Toronto though."
"Yeah, but that was because I was hoping to see you there," he said in a gentle tone with a hint of flirtation.
My cynicism kicked in. "...a likely story," I said with a smile.
"I'm really glad you called," Hayden said.
"I am too -- I did want to talk to you about some things but I don't want to take you away from what you're doing," I replied.
"No, its fine," Hayden said quickly and I could hear the background noise diminish - he'd stepped into another room.
"What's going on?" he asked me.
"Todd and I broke up," I said.
"Oh &^%," Hayden said. "Are you alright? I mean - "
"Yeah - I told him the truth about running into you and that I kissed you....and he broke up with me."
"Oh, so he broke up with you, not the other way around?" Hayden asked. "...over the kiss?"
"Well, it was more about who I kissed - because of the underlying meaning," I said. I didn't know if I wanted to divulge to Hayden exactly how much Todd had known about my strong feelings for Hayden. Before we had become a couple, Todd had held me for hours when I had cried over my feelings for Hayden.
"I don't really know what to say -- " Hayden replied. "I mean, I'm sure you're sad about all of it....I just can't believe he'd end things over that. I wouldn't let you go that easily, at least not again...not now-- "
I sat in silence for a second. "It's because he doesn't think he can trust me....and who could blame him? I'm just really confused about things - but of course a part of me is upset about it. I mean, he was a huge part of my life - and now everything is over."
"I'm sorry if this isn't what you wanted," Hayden said. "I mean - if somehow, you had wanted to stay with him and I had a part in messing it up for you....."
"No, the truth is, I don't think any of this would have happened if I had truly been ready to marry Todd....so, none of this is your fault - I'm an adult not an impressionable child....I got myself into this," I replied.
"So, what do we do now?" Hayden asked.
"I don't know -- maybe we can get together when you get back and talk about everything," I replied.
"Yeah, I think that's a good idea," Hayden said.
A few moments later we said our goodbyes and an agreement that Hayden would call in a day or so when he was flying home.
We hung up.
~~~~
Unbeknownst to me - on the other side of North America, Hayden sat back down on the couch where Tove was playing the game.
"Are we gonna race or not? I'm doing this race and I think its rigged!" Tove said, not taking his eyes from the screen.
Hayden rolled his eyes, "If you aren't winning, you always think its rigged!"
Tove shrugged, continuing to play.
Hayden settled in to play the game - and the two went through a series of races.
During a break, Hayden told Tove about our phone conversation.
"So what now?" Tove asked with interest.
"I don't know -- but I'm determined to make things work out for Addie and me," Hayden said. "I'm not going to lose her twice."