I laid in my bed, my mind a jumble of thoughts and emotions in total chaos.
I couldn't remember a time in which I had felt so happy, guilty, sad and confused all at once.
A declaration of love and devotion by Hayden - I'd been waiting for that for so long and now it was here....it was bittersweet though and the bitter part was taking the joy out of it quickly.
My mind was racing with thoughts of Todd. Sweet, good natured Todd who had never done anything to deserve such treatment (and he wasn't even aware of it yet which made it that much worse). Todd only made the mistake of getting involved with an emotional basketcase - in all honesty, my hasty jump into a relationship with him was neither fair to him nor was it right. I hadn't been ready, I had merely been looking for a replacement....but out of that had grown a true affection and a love.
I continued to lay there, waiting to be struck by some epiphany - some sign that could show me what I need to do and how I could be happy....I knew I was waiting in vain. There were no easy answers or convenient 'outs' on this one -- I was on my own.
~~~~
"So, its a bona fide love triangle!" Erin squealed as I winced at her comment.
Susan rolled her eyes, "you're so dramatic -- its ridiculous and that stuff needs to stay in the soap operas where it belongs."
"... yeah the soaps that you watch religiously every day," Erin retorted.
I shook my head - maybe talking with friends wouldn't even help this time. Jade and Tara had gone, leaving Erin and Susan here to help me with my emotional and mental crisis.
"What kind of person does this? What kind of person accepts a marriage proposal and then puts the guy in the middle of what you call a love triangle?" I said in a glum tone. The guilt was consuming me and I hated every minute of it.
"No, in my opinion, your having second thoughts now is better than having them after the wedding," Susan reasoned. "...maybe this is just your heart's way of telling you, Todd isn't the one."
I looked at her, "this is so confusing -- I know I love them both for different reasons which only serves to make this decision even harder."
"Are you going to tell Todd about the kiss?" Erin asked.
I nodded my head, full of shame. "Yes, I can't keep something like that from him -- it would make our relationship a lie if I didn't tell him."
"I still just think its pretty sh&^% that Hayden thinks he can just waltz back in and have you again - now that he's grown up or so he says," Susan said. Her disdain for Hayden certainly hadn't diminished and from her perspective, I couldn't blame her.
"He doesn't know that," I retorted. "I haven't made any sort of decision about anything or anyone...."
Susan and Erin looked at me. "C'mon -- its kind of knowing the outcome of a game but still wanting to watch how it plays out," Susan said. "Everyone pretty much thinks you'll go back to Hayden."
I gaped in surprise, "and who is everyone?"
"Jade, Tara, me, Erin and Adam."
"Adam? When did you talk to him about this?"
"We were talking about it while you and Hayden were walking the streets of Toronto last night," Susan replied.
I shook my head in embarassment. My love life and the debaucles I had placed myself in were now entertainment fodder for my friends.
"Well, glad I could amuse everyone," I said wryly.
~~~~
I worked all day and evening on Monday - throwing myself into the operations of the restaurant in an effort to escape my personal life. I got home a little after 10pm. The reality of my situation struck me as I walked into the silence of my apartment. I had managed to hide among the noise and the crowds at the restaurant all day and it had been somewhat comforting. It hadn't allowed me to dwell on everything that had happened in the past 48 hours.
I was consumed with feelings of confusion, sadness, guilt, anger and elation all at the same time.
I was angry at Hayden for putting me in this position and angry at myself for allowing it.
I couldn't believe how I had betrayed Todd - I have never felt so unsure of my own feelings, thoughts and values and its a very unsettling experience. You grow up and live, thinking you are a certain way and suddenly things change that cause you to react in a way that betrays your very nature.
I've always been a very sensitive person - I've always prided myself on being extra supportive and extra considerate of others. I have always taken relationships seriously- even at the dating stage....the old Adrienne would have recoiled in horror at the thought of kissing one man while being engaged to another.
I closed my eyes, feeling the tears welling up again. I knew that Hayden was gone - flying to L.A. to leave me alone with my thoughts.
I had not talked to Todd since Saturday night - he'd left a voicemail on my phone Sunday evening when he'd come back from Montreal. He knew I worked all day on Monday, so he hadn't even tried my cell -- and I hadn't called him back -- I knew I needed to gather the courage to tell him what was happening and it would have to happen the next time we spoke. This was something I couldn't keep from him - he needed to know the truth, he deserved to know the truth....regardless of what the future may hold for the two of us (if any future at all), I couldn't mar it further with lies...
~~~~
I picked up the phone with a trembling hand and hit the speed dial on my phone.
"Hey sweetheart!" Todd said into the phone after the second ring.
A knot forming in my throat, almost thwarting my speech.
"Hi," I managed to remain calm but content.
We did the whole 'how was your weekend?' conversation to catch up and I knew I couldn't skate around the small talk for long.
"Would you like to come over for a bit?" I asked him.
"I'm pretty wiped out....would you mind if we got together tomorrow?" he asked.
I nodded even though he couldn't see me -- a bit relieved perhaps, that I had been given a bit of a reprieve from the impending disaster.
"Sure, that sounds fine," I replied.
"Are you okay, honey?" he asked.
There it was - the inevitable question....to lie or not to lie?
"I'm tired -- but I do want to talk to you about something tomorrow."
"Oh, can it wait though? I mean, if you need me to come over tonight, I will," Todd said.
I fidgeted with the button on my coat, trying to decide at a second's notice what I needed to do.
"Well, I think its something we need to talk about as soon as possible -- its kind of important," I said, holding my breath.
"Are you alright?" he asked with concern.
I exhaled sharply, "Yes, I'm okay...."
"Okay, well I'll be over in 15," he said and hung up abruptly.
I sat down on my sofa, trying my hardest not to cry.
~~~~
Just as promised, Todd arrived around 15 minutes later.
He hugged and kissed me hello but he could see from the look on my face that something was definitely wrong.
"What is it? Adrienne, tell me," he said, taking my hands and leading me over to the sofa.
I sat down, looking at the floor and trying to choose my words very carefully.
"Well, while you were away, you know the girls took me out for my Bachelorette weekend..."
Todd nodded, willing me to go on.
"...and we had a great time -- but....I ran into someone while I was out....I ran into Hayden..."
Todd pursed his lips and nodded, still not entirely seeing where this was going. "Okay...so you ran into Hayden -- did he piss you off?"
"Yes, at first he did....he and I talked and then the next night when we were out, we got along a little better."
That was when his face got that flushed pink color that appears on his cheeks when he's getting angry, "next night? As in, you saw him both nights I was gone?"
I swallowed, knowing this was getting more and more difficult by the second, "yeah, he was out with his friends too."
Todd looked at me, motioning to continue, "well? what happened? Did he hurt you?"
I shook my head, "No....
I could tell Todd was starting to get impatient - anger and jealousy that only seemed to appear where Hayden was concerned were struck across his features. "Adrienne, tell me..."
"We kissed," I said, closing my eyes and waiting for the fall out.
Todd stood up from the sofa, "That bastard - I'm gonna kill him!"
"Todd - calm down, stop!" I said, grabbing his arm.
Todd shook my hand away from his arm. "Are you serious? That jerk has the audacity to come on to you after everything he did to you....he kissed you, Adrienne!"
"No, he didn't!" I said quickly, feeling the tears starting to stream.
"I kissed him."