I don't own Hayden, his company, family or this chapter's accompanying song -- Placebo's 'Running Up That Hill'
You don't want to hurt
me,
But see how deep the bullet lies.
Unaware that
I'm tearing you asunder.
There is thunder in our
hearts, baby.
So much hate for the ones we love?
Tell
me, we both matter, don't we?
You, be running up
that hill
You and me, be running up that hill
You and
me won't be unhappy.
And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places..... - Placebo
~~~~~
I wiped my eyes a final time to get any residual tears away from my eyes and cheeks. I touched up my makeup and took a final look in the mirror.
"Are you ready?" Susan asked, handing my purse to me.
I nodded slowly.
I had to go back out there - I couldn't stay in the bathroom all night. I knew Hayden would still be out there and I didn't have a clue what to do or say next.
I walked out of the bathroom with Erin and Susan right behind me.
I was woozy from the alcohol and the crying - everything felt like it was moving in slow motion. I could see all the figures on the dance floor.
I glanced over to see Adam nudging Hayden who then turned to face me.
Our eyes met and we just watched each other.
I couldn't read any emotion or expression on his face.
I turned to look at Susan and it was as if she could read my mind.
She shrugged, "this one is your call, completely."
I nodded - I had to face this.
I walked slowly toward Hayden and he continued to watch me walking toward him.
"Can we talk?" I asked as I approached.
Hayden merely nodded and ushered me to the side exit to get away from the noise.
We walked out on to the sidewalk, dimly lit by the overhead street lights.
We walked side by side in silence for a couple of minutes.
"I don't know what got into me," I said finally. "I completely blew up at you about things in the past, I really shouldn't have."
"You were just being honest about how you felt," Hayden replied.
I nodded, "yeah, but all of that is better left in the past."
We were silent for another minute while I figured out to bring up the rest of it.
"....and the kiss was completely out of line -- I can't believe that happened and I can assure you it won't happen again."
Hayden stopped, pulled my elbow and stood facing me, "are you sure about that?" he asked in a husky tone, the confident bravado out in full force.
I looked into his eyes and we were inches apart - I silently willed for my resolve not to be weakened once again.
"I can't -- I'm getting married....this isn't fair to Todd, he doesn't deserve any of this...."
Hayden just looked at me for a second, then looked at the ground, shoved his hands back in his pocket and began to walk forward again.
I closed my eyes, exhaling a deep breath.
"So what do we do now?" Hayden asked.
"There's nothing we can do -- I mean, things aren't any different than they were before."
Hayden stopped and looked at me, "things are very different for me." He took my arms in his hands, "look me in the eye and tell me that you love him and that you really want to marry him...."
I looked at the ground, silent for a moment. "Please, Hayden....don't."
"I'm serious -- this is something I have to know. If you say the word, that you want to be with him and we're completely finished- I'll walk away....but I have to hear you say it."
I looked back into his eyes. "Why are you doing this?"
"...because I need to know," Hayden replied, a very serious look on his face. "To be perfectly honest, those months that went by when we didn't see each other or even speak - I thought things were over and done....until I saw you again and it hit me -- I'm not over this....I'm not over wanting to be with you."
"Do you remember what you told me?" I asked him, bound to avoid his question, at least for the moment. "You told me that you weren't ready for what I needed.....and I can't see that you would be anymore ready now."
"How do you know that?" Hayden asked.
"I don't," I sighed. "....but I don't know that I can risk everything just for you to hurt me again."
Hayden backed down for a moment and stood silent.
"How can I prove to you that I've changed?"
"I don't know--I don't know if you can or if I want you to...." I knew that was a lie but I couldn't let him know everything. I had been divulging way too much information lately.
Hayden nodded slowly, looking into my eyes again. "...well, you know what I think and how I feel - so I guess the rest is going to be up to you....if you can trust me again, or if you even want to. I'm leaving town for a few days, but this isn't over....not until you say that its over."
I exhaled deeply, closing my eyes - this had been one hell of a night.