Saturday early evening continued on with festivities for my Bachelorette weekend.
I found that I wasn't even wanting to drink because the thought of alcohol had very little appeal after Friday night's excursion.
Todd called me around 6:30pm- his friends had wrangled him into going for a guys' weekend in Montreal, that's why I hadn't heard from him until now.
"Are you staying out of trouble?" he jokingly asked me and I couldn't help but wince.
"Of course," I said.....just barely, I thought cringing.
We talked for a few more moments and then hung up.
I hate to admit it -- but the text message from Hayden had been in the back of my mind all day. I just kept thinking of all of the potential issues that came along with my answer to his invitation.
If I chose to have lunch with him, how would I tell Todd? Would I lie to Susan about it?
I knew things would be a lot less complicated if I just politely declined the offer and chalked up my original proposition to drunken blather.
However, the more I contemplated it all, the more difficult the choice became....the less complicated route clearly wasn't the evident choice for me although I really hate to admit that-- it should have been, without a doubt.
~~~~~
At 9:30pm, Erin and Jade were getting ready for another evening out while Susan, Tara and I sipped margaritas in the living room.
"So, where to tonight, missy?" Tara asked me.
I shrugged. "I don't know - what are you all up for?"
Susan was in a better mood about everything than she had been earlier - thank goodness. "I don't know....its your weekend, so you should decide."
"Alright - Six Degrees then?" I suggested the popular nightspot.
The girls nodded in agreement - it was an excellent club with great live music.
By the time the girls were ready to go, I had had three margaritas --completely going against my earlier decision to not drink.
I ran to my room to grab my jacket and noticed my cell phone sitting on the bed.
I took a deep breath, flipped the phone open and saw that I had one missed call. I flipped it open, thinking I must have missed one of Todd's calls -- only to see the same number pop up that had sent the text message....Hayden.
I closed my eyes, silently cursing him for not making things easier on me.
He had left a voicemail -- "Hey Addie, its Hayden. I don't know if you got my text message but I have to back out on Tuesday's lunch plans --I have to fly to L.A. Monday for a Forest Park meeting but I'll be back later in the week- maybe we can hang out and catch up. Give me a call if you want to make plans for another day, bye."
I stared at my phone in contemplation for a moment. Once again, I was hit with a choice that shouldn't be so difficult -- for normal people it wouldn't be difficult....but this was me and Hayden...nothing about that was normal, at least not anymore.
I pressed SEND to call back the number that had last called my phone.
"Hi, Hayden? It's Addie."
"Hey Addie, how are ya?" he asked brightly.
"I'm good -- just hanging out with the girls again tonight," I said.
"That's cool -- doesn't your fiance mind? I mean, being a weekend and all and you're not with him...." he was silent for a split second. "....ya know, that's none of my business and I should just shut up," Hayden said sounding more like the shy and self conscious guy I had once known.
"No, its alright," I said, "...he's with his friends in Montreal, having a guys' weekend, while we're just hanging out here."
"That's cool," Hayden replied. "That's the thing - you always were so cool about things like guys' weekends whereas a lot of girls would flip."
I smiled, remembering how I'd always made an extra effort to never be one of those possessive, controlling girls.
Suddenly, I was aching to change the subject -- in fear of veering into territory that was neither appropriate nor conducive to my engaged status.
"Well, we're headed to Six Degrees tonight," I found myself saying and then cringed -- why was I always divulging all information to him?? This was getting ridiculous.
"That's cool - actually, Adam and I were thinking about checking that out...." Hayden said sheepishly.
Shut up, shut up, shut up, I silently willed myself not to say anything else that I may later kick myself for saying.
"Have a fun time though....and who knows, maybe I'll see you there," Hayden said after a minute.
I shook my head, "....yeah, that's cool, have a good night," I said desperately trying to play it cool and not sound like I was eager to spend any time in the near vicinity of where he may be.
We said our goodbyes and I headed back to the living room to meet up with the girls.
"What took you so long?" Susan asked.
"Sorry -- I kept changing my mind about what to wear," I fibbed, not wanting to mention Hayden again for the rest of the weekend.
~~~~~~~~
The beats of the latin music pulsed through the room and lights illuminated the dance floor - I couldn't see anyone in the club who wasn't dancing- it was amazing. The nightclub had few areas to lounge so most everyone was on or around the dance floor.
We got settled before too long with fresh drinks in hand, to survey the scene.
Susan immediately went to the dance floor with Jade and Tara in tow.
Erin and I stood back to the left corner, adjacent to the bar, sipping our drinks and talking.
"So, what do you think Todd is doing?" Erin asked.
I shrugged, "I don't know - if I know his friends, they're up to no good."
Erin laughed-- Todd's friends had a tendency to be a little more wild than he was -- but I always trusted him when he was with them. It was something I just felt inside....I knew that he wouldn't hurt me. I think that's why I have clung to him so much -- he's reliable and safe. I don't have to guess with him and there's no game playing. I knew that I cared very deeply for him and wanted to be with him but I had felt like I was working overtime to convince myself every time I had let my thoughts wander to Hayden.
Erin and I continued to talk when I heard someone come up behind me.
"....and why aren't you out there on the dance floor?"
I turned to see Hayden standing behind me with a grin on his face. He was with Adam.
Adam and I said our hello's and Hayden hugged Erin hello.
"How's the family?" I asked Adam.
"They're doing well....Noah's 10 years old now," Adam replied.
I smiled. I had watched Adam's children a few times in the past when Adam and his wife (now ex-wife) had gone to premieres and awards ceremonies. He was now married to another woman and from what I heard from Susan, appeared to be really happy.
"Yeah, he's the ever devoted husband and father...I'm just dragging him out for the evening," Hayden smiled and pushed into Adam in a joking manner to which Adam only laughed.
"So, I hear you're getting married," Adam smiled.
I smiled in return, trying to ignore Hayden's stare. "Yeah, I'm getting married next year."
"That's great, congratulations," Adam replied.
A moment later, Erin and Adam walked to the bar to get drinks, leaving Hayden and me alone, standing by the wall in the far corner.
Hayden shoved his hands in his pocket and looked at the ground. It was then that I saw a glimpse of him again -- the old Hayden - the shy, unsure guy I had first met and found so endearing such a long time ago.
I didn't know what to say, but silence was making each second increasingly more awkward.
"So, you're going to L.A. Monday?" I spoke up.
"Yeah, for a few days....Forest Park business," Hayden replied. "Work is going pretty well -- I'm starting a new film in a few months. There are ongoing debates about shooting in Canada or in Wisconsin, so we'll see."
I nodded.
Hayden looked a little uncomfortable. I found myself getting ready to make yet another stupid comment but seemed powerless to stop it at the moment.
"I was hoping you would drop by tonight so we could catch up," I said.
Hayden looked me in the eye and his smile widened. "I was hoping to see you too, Addie......but listen, the way things were, when we last spoke....I look back on that and I'm ashamed."
I shook my head, "...that was a long time ago."
"Not really though," Hayden said. "....there's no excuse for the way I was acting and I'm sorry -- I don't know what was wrong with me....I think I got a little bit of attention and I let it go to my head. It was wrong of me and I see that now, completely."
I nodded slowly not quite sure where he was going with this conversation and not sure I wanted to hear anymore.
"I look at him," Hayden said, gesturing toward Adam, who was still at the bar with Erin, "....and I envy what he has....because its real. I know that I've let go of the chance for something real and its a really bad feeling....being surrounded by a bunch of shallow people only makes me feel more alone."
I just looked at him. "....you act like your life is over....you're so young....of course you'll have chances to have a real relationship," I replied.
Hayden shook his head and looked out over the dance floor, "....I'll just say," he looked me in the eye again, "...that I know what I've lost --"
I just looked at him again, trying my hardest not to waver.
I had the most confusing flurry of emotions at that moment.
Happiness, sadness, anger and confusion hit me in waves --
I shook my head, "....damn you."
Hayden looked at me.
"Damn you for saying all of this to me, now that I've found someone else and am trying to put my life back together," I said through gritted teeth.
"I---I don't know what to say," Hayden said, looking confused.
"You don't need to say anything else, you've said enough -- all that I want to hear," I said.
I could feel tears welling up in my eyes and I rounded the corner to walk out the back door, with Hayden on my heels.
"Please, Addie, wait a second, stop!" Hayden said, grabbing my elbow to whirl me around once we were in the dimly lit back lot.
"Why? Why do you this to me?? Why do you have this effect on me?!" I yelled aloud.
Hayden stepped back, "...what?? What are you talking about?"
I was bold now. "I mean the fact that I'm getting married to another man and you still have the power to make or break my day with something that you say or do!"
Hayden stood, watching me, breathing heavily between the anxiety of it all and running to chase me down the parking lot.
"You toyed around with my affections for a long time after we broke up -- I kept sleeping with you to be close to you and you were using me....and I allowed it....just to be near you....just to feel wanted by you."
"It was never my intention to use you, I needed that connection with you too- I've always loved you," Hayden protested.
"Please save your excuses -- you wanted that connection on your own terms....that's the difference."
"I know and I'm sorry for all of it," Hayden said.
"That's fine -- but it doesn't change any of it!" I said. The severity of my anger was just coming to light for Hayden. The expanse of my emotions were being put before him for the first time. In the past, he'd known I was sad and angry but he didn't know how deep all of it had run until now.
"I'm not trying to mess up your life --" Hayden said, his tone just above a whisper. "I needed to tell you that I was sorry and that you would know that it does affect me -- knowing how much I hurt you....that's not a thought I live with comfortably.....and I'm getting what I deserve now -- he has you and I don't -- he's a lucky guy --"
"---please stop saying that!" I said in an exasperated tone.
"I can't seem to say the right thing here!" Hayden said, throwing his arms up.
"Just please stop saying how lucky my fiance is! Right now, I don't think he'd feel very lucky to have me!" I shouted.
Hayden's arms dropped to his sides and he just looked at me for a moment in confusion.
Then, I stepped over, grabbed the back of his head and pulled him into a kiss - an angry, intense and passionate kiss.
The kind of kiss that leaves you completely dazed and breathless.
Then, I pulled away and without another word walked back toward the club.
I could feel his eyes boring into my back as I walked through the lot, knots of fear, guilt and anger all welling up into my stomach.
I had done that on pure impulse to shock him and now I felt quite honestly like the worst person in the world.
Whatever bad things may happen to me now, I think I deserve it.