I can't say that I'm not lost and at fault
I can't say that I don't love the light and the dark
I can't say that I don't know that I am alive
And all of what I feel I could show
You tonight you tonight
The next week rushed by in a flourish of activity.
I was mainly back in the office, where the daunting tasks were awaiting me from the minute I walked in to the minute I left.
I knew Sharon had to be getting some twisted enjoyment out of bossing me around -- sick wench.
I longed to be back on set-- I knew that whatever field in film production I may end up in, I really hoped for an onset position. There's nothing like the energy that surrounds a film set.
One afternoon, the following week, I was busy at the table, erasing a fourth box of dailies when I saw someone round the corner wearing a baseball cap low, almost over his eyes.
He looked up and grinned.
I looked closer, "Hayden?"
"Shh!" he said, grinning and grabbing a chair at the table.
I looked around, confused.
"I don't want Sharon to know I'm in here," he said in a low whisper.
I smirked. Sharon was relentless around Hayden -- her attempt at flirtation more or less came off as over the top desperation.
"So, what are you doing in here?" I asked him in a low tone.
"I'm wrapped for the day and thought I'd look around and see what everyone was up to," he replied.
I nodded, looking at my watch, "wow -- 11AM and you're wrapped for the day, must be nice."
Hayden smiled. "Well, Kaylen flew back to Toronto -- I really don't know anyone else and everyone I do know is working -- so its kind of pointless...."
"There's different things to do around the city," I explained, giving him a run down of popular restaurants and spots around town.
"That's cool - thanks," he said with a smile.
I smiled back at him and we sat there in silence for a second.
"Well, I am gonna go -- but hey, I'm thinking about getting a group to go back to McArthur's tonight after wrap-- you interested?" he asked.
"Yeah, that sounds fun....just let me know," I replied.
~~~~~~
Josh looked at Hayden.
"You -- want to organize a social event for us? What happened? Did I miss something??"
Hayden rolled his eyes, "No, I just think its time to lighten up sometimes -- ya know, cut loose...."
"You, cut loose....I don't think so," Josh said, taking a sip of his water and smirking.
"You're such a smart a&*," Hayden replied. "I'm serious -- Diane is here, so bring her....I'm sure Charlie will want to....and Laurie sounded into it --"
"Ah, so that's why!" Josh exclaimed, pointing at Hayden.
Hayden shrugged, "What?"
"Laurie -- you didn't have an interest in being sociable until she started going out with us....and now you're making sure she comes out with us....you like her, don't you?" Josh asked, leaning in as if he were expecting to hear a big secret.
Hayden rolled his eyes. "Josh -- c'mon...cut me some slack here, I just think I've been approaching this all wrong...always shutting myself off when I'm working - its not healthy....I want to be more a part of this group."
Josh looked at him, "Yeah, that's all fine and good -- but you never answered my question..."
"What question?" Hayden tried to feign ignorance.
It was Josh's turn to roll his eyes "If you like Laurie, just ask her out man."
"Well, thanks for the tip...but if I liked Laurie and I didn't say that I did -- it would be a lost cause....she has a boyfriend," Hayden replied.
"Ya never know," Josh said, shaking his head and throwing his cup into the trash. "I just think that you should try and level with her about how you feel and see what happens.....because to try and deny it now is just ridiculous -- its pretty obvious....and the sooner you just admit it, it will be a whole lot easier."
Hayden just looked at Josh -- was he really that transparent...was it that obvious to everyone?
"Whatever man, just come out with us, alright?" Hayden said, walking away.
"Oh yeah man-- I wouldn't miss this!" Josh said, grinning after him.
~~~~
"So, you're going out with your friends....again?" Aaron just looked at me.
I shrugged out of my jacket ---- here we go again.
"It's just a few people from the shoot.....do you want to go with me?" I asked, expecting him to give me the usual speil on how tired he was and that he worked too hard to spend his hard earned money on drinking.
Then, he surprised me --
"Yeah, actually I'd like to go -- " Aaron said, looking at me.
I must have shown my surprise to him because he said, "is that alright? Did you not want me to go?"
"Of course I want you to go," I said numbly. "I just know its not really your scene."
The bar scene had never been Aaron's thing -- he had never been a big drinker and he usually got easily annoyed by being around intoxicated people....so it had always just been better for him to avoid it -- I had enjoyed going out but had kept it to a minimum with friends. So, this really surprised me.
"Hey -- I may have to stake my claim on you to these Hollywood Hotshots."
I just looked at him and gave a light smirk.
"Seriously though, I think it would kind of be cool to hang out with Hayden Christensen -- maybe I can ask him about the big lightsaber duel!" Aaron exclaimed.
My eyes widened, "Please don't!"
Aaron looked taken aback, "Why not? I mean, he's a person -- I can talk to him...have a normal conversation...unless he's a p^%$#--"
"No, he's a nice guy -- its just....these people don't want to always be talking about their projects, especially when they're just trying to relax....it would be like talking to fans...."
Aaron rolled his eyes, "then what am I supposed to talk about? Geez, somebody's on edge...."
I got exasperated then and I wasn't quite sure why. All I knew was that the thought of Hayden even talking to Aaron about the weather had me becoming increasingly uncomfortable.
"I don't know -- let's just get ready....we're supposed to meet them at 9," I replied, changing the subject altogether.
I sighed, pulling a pair of tight black pants and a tank top out of the closet -- this could be a long night.
~~~~~
We were among the last to get to McArthur's....Aaron and I had managed to get into another argument about laundry before we left the apartment.
Josh and Aaron shook hands and I introduced him to Diane. Hayden, Charlie and Mandy turned from their seats at the adjoining table.
"Hey!" Mandy exclaimed brightly with Charlie following suit.
My eyes floated to meet Hayden's and what I found confirmed Mandy's suspicion and made me feel horrible -- he looked from me to Aaron, absolutely crestfallen. It was a look that had not been lost on Josh either as I could see when he looked from me and back to Hayden.
I managed a weak smile at Hayden to which he returned the very bare minimum.
He shook hands cordially with Aaron and we sat down beside Josh and Diane.
The rest of the evening passed slowly -- I was on edge and really couldn't relax. Aaron had flowing conversations with Charlie and Josh. Hayden avoided most eye contact with me and talked mostly with Mandy.
Aaron got Hayden's attention. "So, Hayden -- I am probably going to get in trouble for asking this," Aaron said glancing at me as he put his arm around my shoulders, "but....I have to ask -- how cool was that lightsaber duel in Episode III?!"
I rolled my eyes and avoided meeting eyes with Hayden.
Hayden was very polite and answered questions as though he were at a press conference as I kept my eyes fixed on the table.
A little after midnight, I was more than ready to go -- I guess it was sad to say that I hadn't even really been able to have a good time with everyone with Aaron there....and that thought alone scared me, because deep down I knew why.
~~~
Two days later, thankfully, I was called away from office duty because I was needed on set to assist Greg.
It had been a 6AM call and I was one of the first to arrive -- I was sitting in his director's chair, reading the day's sides when Mandy came rushing over to me.
"I have to tell you something!" she grabbed my arm and jumped into the chair beside me.
I looked at her, "What is it?"
"I just got done in make-up....and Hayden came in, with his girlfriend!"
At that moment, I felt like I'd been punched in the gut.
"What? Girlfriend??....he said he didn't have a girlfriend.....he lied to me," I said.
"No, he didn't lie -- they've been broken up....he told Josh that he just called her to have her fly out for a visit," Mandy said.
I sat back in the chair, "Wait--this girl....she's the girl who pretty much put his private life out there for public consumption?!"
I had told Mandy about my previous conversation with Hayden.
"Yeah, that's her -- she's kind of snooty if you ask me...." Mandy said in a disapproving tone.
I shook my head in confusion.
"Why would he? I mean, he was telling me about it the other day -- she sounded so cold....she was using him...why would he go back to her?" I asked.
"I don't know -- people do pretty crazy things sometimes," Mandy said.
I shook my head, completely dumbfounded.
At that moment, Mandy hit my arm as Hayden and his female companion walked through the soundstage door.
The girl was definitely stunning -- very tall and almost too lean frame like a model with flowing dark hair and blue eyes.
Hayden looked over at us briefly before ushering his lady to the opposite side of the set, near craft service.
"Wow, he didn't want her over here," Mandy said bluntly.
"Maybe he's trying to get her to eat something," I said in a tone that made Mandy choke on her drink.
I looked at her and conceded, "that came out harsher than I intended."
I saw Mandy's knowing smile and just decided to be quiet altogether.
Maybe it was for the best, I mean -- I did have a boyfriend....its only fair that Hayden be with someone too....and I barely knew him, who was I to have a say in who he was with??
.....but this girl irked me. Not only what I had heard about her, but just her presence. Even her walk exuded arrogance.
I took a deep breath -- the day had only just begun.