I crept into the house a little after 2AM. I knew I would be exhausted the next day, but I had had a wonderful time.
That group was so energetic and such fun to be around, it was impossible to feel down about anything around them.
I walked into the bedroom and heard Aaron stirring.
"What time is it?" he asked, sleepily looking over at the clock.
"Sorry I woke you," I whispered.
He sat up a bit more awake when he'd noticed the time. "Where have you been all night?"
"I was just out with Mandy and some people from the film shoot," I replied.
He shook his head -- I knew it was coming.
"Isn't that just rich?" he stated in a sullen tone. "You have enough time to go out with them but you can't even spend any time with me..."
"I tried to talk to you earlier but you shut me down," I replied through gritted teeth. The last thing I needed was an argument in the middle of the night.
He shook his head, "let's just talk in the morning."
"Sounds good to me," I said as I quietly changed into my pajamas and crawled into bed.
~~~~
The alarm went off entirely too early -- at least it felt that way, going on 4 hours of sleep.
Aaron was still asleep as I got ready for work. He woke only for a moment as I was leaving and mumbled a goodbye.
I couldn't help but feel somewhat depressed as I headed to the studio.
I could feel my relationship with Aaron crumbling quickly. I had never expected him to treat me this way because of my schedule.
It saddened me but also filled me with anger. Why couldn't he understand what this meant to me? Why couldn't be supportive?
I came to the conclusion that he would never understand because it wasn't his dream -- his dream didn't involve such crazy, rotating schedules....and unfortunately, I was beginning to realize that perhaps he would never understand because he didn't live that way too.....maybe it takes someone else who knows what it takes in this business --
I stopped myself from thinking about it any further-- I loved Aaron. I didn't want our relationship to be over....I just felt very confused about everything...confused and hurt.
~~~
I had discussed everything with Mandy that morning.
"What a jerk!" she exclaimed.
"Mandy, no -- he's not a jerk," I replied.
"Well, he sounds like one to me," Mandy said in a matter-of-fact tone. "If he doesn't understand and isn't willing to try, he doesn't deserve you."
I shook my head -- this conversation wasn't helping either.
"Why didn't you say anything last night?" she asked.
"...because I didn't want my drama to be exposed to everyone shooting this film," I replied.
"Or maybe you just didn't want Hayden to hear you talking about your boyfriend," Mandy said, raising her eyebrows.
I rolled my eyes at that one -- "Mandy, please....stop with that....Hayden and I broke the ice and talked last night, so what? It doesn't mean anything -- " I said. "...besides, Kaylen asked me if I had a boyfriend so she knows and I'm sure she would tell Hayden, if he even cared."
The truth was, I hadn't told Mandy what Hayden had said to me away from everyone else -- how he had come there hoping to hang out with me. It would just fan the flames in Mandy's dramatic theory and I wasn't even wanting to think about it -- I wouldn't even allow myself to think about it because it would take me to a whole new level of complicated.
"Okay yeah whatever, he likes you, you know it and I think you like him too," Mandy said.
I only shook my head, clearly wanting this conversation to be over.
At that moment, Hayden walked up to our table.
"Hey guys," he said with a smile.
Mandy broke out in a grin, "Hey Hayden!"
I smiled and said hello as well.
Hayden sat down with us and we laughed over some of the previous night's events including Josh trying to sing karaoke after 12 tequila shots where his solo commenced to being a three minute ear-screeching number so off-key that everyone was dying of laughter by the end of it.
After a bit, Mandy announced that she was due in Wardrobe. She left the two of us at the table, where things turned in a slightly awkward direction. Clearly, the drinks had made the conversation flow more smoothly the night before.
I looked over at Hayden who had his eyes fixed on the table.
"So, are you wrapped for the day?" I asked.
"No, I have two more scenes this afternoon," he replied, looking up at me.
I nodded in response.
"I was wondering if you had felt alright this morning, I mean - after the drinking and all?" he asked with a sheepish grin.
I nodded, "Yeah - I'm alright....I know I'll be exhausted later today though, that's how it works for me."
Hayden laughed, "Yeah same here....but I had a good time, it was worth it."
I returned his smile, "Yeah, I had a good time too."
"Kaylen mentioned that you have a boyfriend here in Shreveport," he said in a sudden way that was almost startling.
"Yeah," was all I answered. Somehow, I didn't want to be there, talking to Hayden about Aaron -- it felt altogether too weird and further cemented in my mind something I had been trying to hide...
"Why didn't he come out with you last night?" he asked in a non-chalant tone.
"Well -- he and I aren't getting along very well right now, to be perfectly honest," I said in a grim tone.
Hayden got a look suddenly, "I'm sorry -- ya know, that is completely none of my business....to even ask....I'm sorry."
"No, its okay," I replied quickly. "I just think -- he doesn't understand what this industry is all about.....the hours, the moving from place to place for work --its all foreign to him and I don't think he really sees the point of it."
Hayden shook his head, "Yeah -- I've dealt with that too....when you're with someone who hasn't been through it, its tough to get them to understand or want to adapt to this way of living -- its not for everyone," Hayden said, pulling out a cigarette.
He offered one to me and I declined.
Hayden looked at me suddenly, "does this bother you? I mean, to be around smoke?"
I shrugged, "It's alright - there's plenty of ventilation in here." I grinned to show him I was teasing him a bit and he smiled in return.
"I know, its a nasty habit and I really need to quit," he said, lighting the cigarette.
We sat in silence for a few moments.
I got bold at that moment -- "So, what about you? Any special lady.....or ladies in your life?" I asked with a smile.
"Ladies? You think I have a harem?" he grinned, taking a drag from his cigarette.
"Anything is possible and in this industry, that is plausible," I replied.
"Well, true -- but no...to answer your question, there are no special ladies at the moment...." he replied. "I got out of a relationship a few months ago so I'm kind of focusing on my work right now."
I nodded in understanding.
I didn't press for more information but he seemed compel to go on. "She wasn't in this business -- at least she didn't seem to be...but then I found out she was actually drawing attention to the fact we were dating to get her name in the papers."
I grimaced, "Wow- that's horrible."
Hayden shook his head, "Yeah- she tried to deny it at first but it became painfully obvious after awhile....the last straw was when she became friends with some of the journalists who were writing about me."
I shook my head -- "I just can't believe that....that's so..."
"Shallow?" Hayden offered.
"Yeah - its really shallow and kind of cruel too."
"Yeah for someone like me who strives so hard to maintain privacy," Hayden said. "That's part of the reason I wanted to date someone out of entertainment to begin with -- less press and bull&^%* to deal with, ya know?"
A moment later, a PA came over to let Hayden know that he was needed on set.
"Well, duty calls," he said, standing up.
I nodded, "Yeah -- I'll be back on set this afternoon...."
"Well, I guess I'll see you there then," Hayden said, lowering his eyes to fix on mine. Our eye contact lasted just a second longer than normal before he broke the stare and I looked away.
"See ya," he said and I replied in return as he walked away.
I let out a deep sigh.
I had a weird feeling -- I knew that I could be treading on dangerous territory that could complicate my life tenfold....