Part 1

First of all when I learnt that I had this cancer, I was scared. But very soon, within two days or something like that, I looked back to my life and I said "Well, when I was born, there was nobody who told me "You will live hundred years, or you will live thirty years, or you will live fifty", so I said "Why do I have to expect it ?" So if I die, that's my time. And from my experience, I saw babies who died in hospitals, and I had a friend who died, a boy friend, he was 23, and I was 19 then. So I really experienced it very deeply, and it was a very difficult experience for me because I did not really understand what was happening to him. He was completely healthy, a young guy. One day he said "Oh! I had such a pain in my heart", and the next moment, he was on agony, so I had to help him, and at the same time there was somebody else in the room. We called the hospital and in 5 minutes they were there, and they were trying to bring him back to life but they did not succeed.

Then I had this grandmother who was still alive when I had cancer, and she was 102. So I saw all the possibilities. And I thought "Wow ! All right, that's my time." And it was very peaceful. I did not fight.

I remember we were lying on the bed with Hans, because we decided to take the time to talk, and he wanted to stop me. He said "Well, if you die, I do not want to live anymore." And I said "Well, forget about it, it's your life, it's your life, and my life is something else. We love each other, and it will be terrible for you, but you have to forget this idea that you do not want to live anymore, and you must get used to it and go on." And I am living now.

It was very difficult for him these days. But I have to say that at that moment, I accepted the fact I'd die. People sometimes describe they almost drawn. They fall to the bottom of the river, and then they go up very naturally, because the power of the river is so, it's turning as a spiral, and as soon as it reaches the bottom, it goes up.

But I had a lot of pain. So that was very difficult. Because I could not really sleep, I could not eat anything, in three weeks I lost 5 kilos and as I am not a fat person, so you could count my ribs and bones. I even could not drink because when I was drinking water it was also painful because I had these limps in my stomach.

Sometimes I thought "Well, I wish I could shout, that would help me" but I could not shout because we had neighbors and they had kids. So I said "Well, the kids will be terrified if I would do that." So I said "Well, it would be nice if you could take me to the forest, then I can shout." But our car was broken, so it was not possible. One time I was really shouting and they were really afraid, but I could not keep it any longer. And that helped me a lot. The sound I made , it was so funny that I could not believe that I was making the sound. Like an animal, somewhere, but what kind of animal ? I never heard something like that. But it was coming out of me from very, very deep .

So once I did that. Other things that I did: I discovered that when I was lying on the bed, very quiet, but really completely quiet, and I did not move at all, and looked outside the window as we had a window in our bedroom, and when I looked at the blue, then I am blue, the color blue, and when I am the color blue, I do not have pain anymore. So it was like a .......

- Very strange !

- Yes, it was very strange, I cannot put it differently in words, but it was really like, changing into a completely different energy, you know. And I stayed there, it was good, there was no pain, great. It was a very mystical experience, lets say. Of course there were other factors as well, as when you do not eat, you do not drink enough, you are also in a special state of mind. But as soon as I moved my finger, then I was back in my body. So it was very difficult for people around me, for Hans especially, because he saw me lying like dead, more or less. But when I was lying like that, it was all right for me. He let me do that later on, but at the beginning he was in panic, because he was afraid.

It was in the blue, you know, it was pure. Because, first was that I gave up, in the sense that I said "OK, I will die", and then I was travelling to this blue, and in that blue, I got power again. Gradually I was filled more and more with power, from I got more strength.

So I started to... I got different books, As I had to start with the treatment, I had to start from the beginning . At the hospital they told me, and I had a lot of investigations, and they told me that if I do not make these radiations and chemio-therapy, I can live approximately eight months. And after two month, I'd feel really very bad.

But I also analyzed my life and I started to ask myself "What have I really done in my life ?" And it was not the kind of school, the way that I lived, but what have I done, I mean, when did I feel happy ? Then I discovered that I feel happy when I follow my first feeling. And I do not know, may be it was the pressure from outside, but also personally my interest, that I wanted to go in the sciences. So I graduate from Slavic literature and Polish literature in Poland, and I wanted to go on to investigate literature, scientific literature, further. But there was a reason at that moment why I also gave it up. Actually the reason, I want to put it in short. That I could ask always "Why ? whey ? why ?", and I did not get an answer, you know. To the first level I got those answers, but if I got further, there was sooner or later a "why" which was impossible to answer. So I thought "That's not the way to look for what I called "the truth".

And since quite a long time, I was doing silly things, because instead of listening to this feeling, I started to investigate this feeling, when it was manifesting itself that way that for example I did not like something or I felt something strange with other people, and I was trying to explain myself "Oh ! He has a cold, or he did not sleep enough, or he was a bit tired" that was so much other things, on human level I mean, and then years later, I came to the conclusion which I already felt at the very beginning. Of course I could investigate it but I should not have denied the feeling. So I said "Well, that's a discovery, because I can use my brain, because my brain is all right, it did not go mad, but my body was sick or mad in the sense leukemia goes through your whole body . So there I will use those strong parts to help me to get those weak parts out of it. And I thought "Well, let's go back to the feeling."

And I also had, that was very important: I have a girl friend, she is a hand reader, she came to read in my hands, and she also uses cards from native Americans. And you had to choose a card yourself and she explained then what it means. And I got a spider at that moment. The spider means that I have to be like a spider in a web, I have to feel on which part of the web there is food for me, there is something for me without prejudice; so anything that comes to me, I have to handle it that way. So I started to read those papers from the hospital, and every time I read them:, I felt very bad. I felt nervous, I was crying, I could not sleep, I had nightmares, plus the pain, so I was really exhausted. And I did it two or three times, and I said "Well, you forgot, you just decided something and you don't do it. You decided to listen to your feeling, that's your feeling. Your whole system resists this, what you are touching, what you are reading, forget it, it's not for you, don't do it, because it's not good for you." So I burned those papers here in the heater. Yes, but then I did not have anything else.

And within a short time, I only had a book which I got from my father, but within a short time, within two days, I think, people started to call me with different advises, and showing me different ways of handling cancer. So I had so many information that at a certain moment, I had to say to people "Thank you, I cannot take anymore." I had so plenty of them that I could not listen to them anymore because I could not get my rest. So many phone calls and people coming here. So I said "Well, ok, now I have had enough, and what I have, then I'll try it out;" And it was not something that I consciously decided. Every time I read something and I thought "Wow ! I'll do this."

One of the things was a book which I got from my neighbor, about spontaneous recovery. And people over there in that book described cases of patients who had AIDS or cancer or deadly illnesses and they recovered from that. And they lived longer, much longer, than the regular medicine would suspect . And they collected those cases and they thought "That's interesting because the hospitals have documents from patients, they keep it for ten years and later they do not follow people. And they contacted people who lived more than ten years. For me that was a great support, because I said "Well, look, it's possible, there are so many people", and that's the investigation, it's a quite fed book. Well, not everything is in the book because I also had some stories, so I started to remember things, and I read the stories about people who did not die from cancer, who were still having AIDS for example with a high level of, how do you call them in English, white cells, but they live like that for years. And they function normally, and there is nothing wrong with them.

And I also remembered about my grandfather who discovered suddenly at the age of seventy years that he had three kidneys, because he had pain in his kidneys, and he had a regular check-up and they discovered that he had three kidneys.

What I would like to say about it is that you discover how unique you are, and I discovered there is no standard for people. Of course there are some laws, universal laws, and this universal law is that nobody is identical. So I thought that even though you have chemical reactions, and you put two things together, and you just change the temperature, for example, or you just wind up the speed of the reaction, you speed it up, or you slow it down, then you will get different things, only from two substances, and you can see it. And that is what is happening in our bodies: there are plenty of substances, an amount of those substances which are so different that to know that, and to be aware of that, I think that this is the universal law. But I do not believe in one method of healing cancer. It something which shakes your life and the information is that you have to look at your life very carefully if you would like to recover. Because may be you would like to die, which is also possible ; may be you are tired of life, I do know, there may be plenty of reasons, but if you want to recover then you really have to go deep into you life and see when did you feel happy, and when did you feel healthy. And I also have done it. I recall it like on a film, with different scenes, and then like a chemist, from a human chemist, I started to think what kind of weather it was, was I on the city, or on the countryside, what kind of people were around me, or may be there were no people around me, what time it was, and things like that, you know. And then I said "Well, that does not mean that I have to do it always, but I also have this feeling, and this feeling for me is the detector of good. And it's very easy, because when I feel good, and fit, it's alright.

(to be followed)