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Coming To Terms With God
Welcome to one of my hidden rooms. In this one I want to share some of my new found insights about what I have learned about God over the years but yet did not really grasp it until just recently. Now I am not some authority or well studied theologist, but I to have come to some sort of terms with God and I share it here for anyone who would like to read it.
There has always been an issue among people who are Christians and/or seekers and feel that God does cruel things. I am no exception to this. I have had my share of wondering why God puts his people through some horrendous situations that are hurtful and even fatal. There are those who question God's love, soverienty and even existence because of the things that go on here on Earth. While answers don't really bring about any real resolution, a change of heart - in light of what is learned about why God does the things that seem bad but yet are for are ultimate good - does bring about some peace.
Simply read within the pages of the bible and you see God's people suffering, there is Joseph whose brothers first threw him in a pit and then had him sold into slavery. Who can forget Job whom God allowed to undergo severe grief, pain and suffering at the hands of Satan who got God's permission to do so! Then there are the Apostles who were all killed for their faith by their persecutors. Not even God's son Jesus escaped being tested, tried and even killed. So whatz up? Of course if you read the entire accont of these people, none of them have a sorry ending, everything comes out right, and in some cases, better that before. However not even that is any real consolation unless it really gets into the heart of the matter - literally
Now as I already just got done saying, I am not some theologist, I am just an average person making my way through life. I am not going to preach - Heaven forbid! And I do not want to just spout off a bunch of "answers" because they mean nothing to those who feel disappointed in, or just plain untrusting of God. It's not my place to try to "minister" or to remove the proverbial speck from your eye when I still have a board in mine. Again, I am only sharing some things I have learned.
Back between 1991 and 1993, I had done a stint with what is now called the International Church of Christ. I had actually started going to their services in 1988. Later when I moved to Denver, I took up going to the church affiliated with the ICOC there. It was there that I was baptized. In those 2 years or so, I learned some things but I never internalized them and so basically I had knowledge but no real influence. I eventually quit going. I spent most of the 90's being bitter about my childhood and school years. You can read more about this in My Dark Days if you wish. I want to keep this short so as not to be boring or preachy. It was after my 39th birthday that I learned the wonderful relief it is to forgive those who have "sinned" against me, it trully feels good to no longer have those "sore spots" and hard feelings when I remember things gone by. Now this may not be a big deal to you - as you may not have the same issues to deal with
but as for my taking God to task about his love for me and such, I cannot blame these things on him and be bitter at him. Firstly, he did not perpertrate them against me. Just because he did not come an make them not happen does not make him bad. The "term" I came to with God on this issue was: How would I have known the beauty of forgive and forget unless I had something to forgive and forget. I can see why God would not take away my hard times before they could do their work so he could show how wonderful he is when he does his work. This of course does not make the bad things done against me any less bad but I can't say that something good - wonderful is more like it - did not come out of all this.
Now I cannot say that my crush on Clay Aiken is condoned by God, but perhaps there are some good aspects that have come from it. I already said that since I "fell" for Clay I quit lusting, well at least by 90-something%!! There is more than that, however. My crush on Clay caused me to see him more intently and see all that he stands for and basically, to some degree, a living and breathing example of what a person following Jesus is really like.
When I found out about Clay moving to L.A. I felt angry, not at him but that he was joining the ranks of Hollywood and all it's glamour, parties, and drama (ie Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez!). It was this situation that made me think "in God's shoes" - if you will, due to a lack of any other way to describe it. It was not like Clay moved from Denver so it wasn't some selfish interest such as not wanting him to leave. It was more my concern for him and his spiritual walk. I saw L.A. as a threat to his moral and wholesome characteristics that I really admire in him. They are what made me quit lusting for him in the first place.
Now here go the "in God's Shoes" part: Late one night I started thinking about what I would want and why if I could have my way regarding Clay and his well-being. I thought of various situations.
Situation 1: A.) Clay moves to L.A. and got caught up in the scene and became badly compromised in his beliefs, morals etc, but becomes the next Barry Manilow or Elton John. OR B.) Clay stays in Raliegh and never got any further than the A.I.
Situation 2: A.) Clay moves to L.A. and got caught up in the scene and became badly compromised in his beliefs, morals etc, but becomes the next Barry Manilow or Elton John. OR B.) Clay stays in Raliegh and never got any further than the A.I. and hates me for wishing this option on him for his own good and resorts to calling me hurtful names relating to my being gay but none the less he would pull out of that bitterness and later apologize and go on to be a wonderful teacher.
Situation 3: A.) Clay moves to L.A. and becomes successful at both singing and staring in movies but must compromise his beliefs and morals to do movies that require steamy love scenes, criminal activity. Also would start doing more sexy songs as well as being racy on stage at the concerts because that is what sells. OR B.) Opt not to do any of that and his career in the entertaiment world would be over within 2 years but his life would not be compromised.
Situation 4: A.) Clay moves to L.A. and got caught up in the scene and became badly compromised in his beliefs, morals etc, but becomes the next Barry Manilow or Elton John. OR B.) Stays in Raleigh and gets into Country or Christian music but is not as successful as he would be making adult contemporary/pop but he does not become compromised in his beliefs, morals etc.
Situation 5: A.) Clay, as Jay Leno put it "in training camp" (for becoming gay) moves to L.A. and got caught up in the gay scene but none theless becomes the next Barry Manilow or Elton John and then somehow met me and we live "happily ever after" (YEAH RIGHT! Feed me some more B.S.!), or B.) While in Raliegh, discovers he is having gay feelings and seeks spiritual help and is able to overcome those feelings and gets married, has a family and lives happily.
Situation 6: A.) Clay moves to L.A. and got caught up in the scene and became badly compromised in his beliefs, morals etc, but becomes the next Barry Manilow or Elton John. OR B.) Stays in Raliegh, gets married, has a family but than an ensuing divorce strips him of his family, reduces him to a "weekend father" and has to pay child support but cannot have much input as to rearing the child. However, his relationship with God becomes stronger as a result and in the end he is blessed even more but not after a 10 year bout with bitterness and anger.
Situation 7 - WORST CASE SCENARIO: A.) Clay moves to L.A. and got caught up in the scene and became badly compromised in his beliefs, morals etc, but becomes the next Barry Manilow or Elton John. OR B.) Does not even bother with American Idol, but joins the military. While in the military, is shipped out to the Iraq war where he is killed.
Here is what I chose in each situation:
Situation 1: I chose B. It was not a hard choice. I care more about Clay's spiritual well-being than his success in the entertainment world. Of course I would miss hearing his beautiful voice. Perhaps he could make recordings in his hometown and sell the cds to the locals or on the internet. I would buy it.
Situation 2: I chose B again. Now I don't know about you but rejection hurts, especially when you confide in someone and they turn it against you. Don't think I did not choose this easily. I was in tears as I thought this one through. Getting called names that depict you as a lesser person becasue of being gay (in my case) really stings, and to have someone like Clay Aiken slam me with that would probally break my heart. I suppose God feels hurt and the pain of rejection from his children when they go and get angry and do not want to communicate with him or have any doings with him all because he was looking out for thier well-being, even though he had to "hurt" them. Now everything God does is out of love, justice or just plain good, and to be made to feel like his actions - especially out of love - are malicious or mean spirited probally hurt even more.
I once read a book Aaron Carter's mother wrote about her younger son. In it she mentioned that she would be willing to resort to "knocking him down a couple pegs" (not sure if that is word for word) in regard to not letting his success go to his head, she wanted only the best for him. Perhaps Aaron cannot appreciate this as a kid but will understand and appreciate it when he is older.
Situation 3: B. Again his spiritaul walk, and wholesomeness is far more valued in my eyes than a hit movie or cd.
Situation 4: B. Since Clay grew up listening to Country, it would not be that much of a difference, except for maybe those fans of his who hate Country or Christian music. As for Clay, he has already shown that he has potential for both. When You Say You Love Me has a bit of Country influence and his take of Steven Curtis Chapman's two classics I Will Be Here and More To This Life are a testament to his abilities in the Christian market.
Situation 5: B. I WOULD NOT WANT CLAY TO BE GAY IF MY LIFE DEPENDED ON IT!!!! Nuff said!
Situation 6: B. Again, choosing this is no "Walk in the park". I know how it feels to be bitter, in some twisted way it can be fun but it's a diabolical kind that makes life a prison. However, the good that would come from his becoming closer to God and a better person makes this "necessary evil" choice the one.
Situation 7: DON'T ASK! Of course the "right answer" would be B because we know that Clay would go to be with the Lord in Heaven. There would be no more strife and hardships, no more temptation and no more sadness. I know that Clay's morals and spiritual walk would not be in jeapordy, but none-the-less, I would be consigning him to his death. Could I just go and do this without a heavy heart, without any feelings. This is not some video game or high school exam. A real life would be at stake. On one hand, this life would become corrupted by sin...and on the other, it would be snuffed out. I could go and think that God is like some computer and just consigns lives to hardships without any sense of emotion or feeling for the people in question. I could think this, but would it be true? Can I trully from the bottom of my heart think that God is like this? Honestly, when it comes down to the line, I do not think I can. As for me consigning Clay to his death for his own good... there is a posibility that I might choose the "right" answer. However, I would probally end up in a mental hospital.
If I, a mere human being have a hard time making choices like this, can I say that it's cake for God? Okay, I can but can I really believe it. I guess if I am a fool, I can. God made us in his image, if things and people can make us feel good, bad, angry and joyous, it stands to reason that the same can be said of God. I don't believe Jesus's walk up to where he was to be crucified was a cake-walk!
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